I cannot pretend I love you.

Wrote this some time ago.




Hayleylucy
14

I cannot pretend I love you,
When you have chased me away,

I cannot pretend I love you,
For the day has yet to begin,

You cannot pretend to love me,
As you have fallen from my side,

You cannot pretend to love me,
Since the world has been silent.

There is a bond between us,
That has decayed over time.

The love that was once there,
Has become forever idle.

The peace that was once whole,
Has broken through time.

There is only one thing,
We now, and will forever, share.

And that is the hatred,
The hatred of the war.

The futile ways of the world,
And the harmful rays of the sun.

The never ending cycle,
That will soon break the unbreakable.

h

Faery007 wrote:I cannot pretend I love you,
When you have chased me away.

I cannot pretend I love you[s],[/s]
For the day has yet to begin.

You cannot pretend to love me[s],[/s]
As you have fallen from my side.

I liked this, it's trustfully. The flow is nice, the structure is okay, but the caps really bug me(fix it) so let's see the second part.

Faery007 wrote:You cannot pretend to love me[s],[/s]
Since the world has been silent.

There is a bond between us[s],[/s]
That has decayed over time.

The love that was once there[s],[/s]
Has become forever idle.

The peace that was once whole[s],[/s]
Has broken through time.

There is only one thing[s],[/s]
We now, and will forever, share. This sounds a bit strange. I suggest you remove that comma and do this: "we will now and forever share."

And that is the hatred,
The hatred of the war. You'll have to ask someone else about this. This kind of repetition sounds good for me, but many have said that's wrong.

The futile ways of the world,
And the harmful rays of the sun.

The never ending cycle[s],[/s]
That will soon break the unbreakable.

I can't say that is the best poem I've ever read, but it is good. The punctuation is horrible, to be honest, but that can be fixed viewarticlebody.php?t=39518

Ending also doesn't make some big impression and for this kind of poem it definitely should.
Besides that, I liked your poem, especially the rhyme in the middle of the verse that makes the poem flow much smoother.
---Stay yourself.

thats really good

thats pretty good

This poem is kind of in the Plains of Asphodel right now. (For those of you ignorant of Greek mythology, that was the place where souls who were neither good nor bad went after death.) In limbo. I mean, it was okay; but it didn't blow me away or anything. I think the "hatred" part comes too soon, without enough explanation. You go from: "I can't pretend I love you" to "I hate you." Rather a jarring transformation. You need to do some work on this. Keep trying though, my stuff sucked at first too! (Not that this sucks at all; I'm just making a point).