with the sweat of your brow (1/2)

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(A/N: So here is my 'minimalist' piece, as promised. Gotta warn you though, I didn't follow my own rules. There are still some rough parts, but I hope you guys like it. I will be posting the other half very soon.)

--

In the morning, as he walks to work and before the city is awake, the pear trees standing in the dew reach their black arms towards the stars, gathering them from the heavens. Shadows beg at their bases. The air pricks his nose and the smell of grass and mud and hardwork rubs away the sleep in his eyes. He walks alone. He smokes a cigarette. It is cold, but he has his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He always keeps them rolled up. It keeps him good. It keeps him thinking of work, waiting for work, mindful of work. He walks alongside the rows of precise trees. He can see the several cigarette tips a little farther up the orchard, where they will pass out the picking bags and take role for the day. The grass is thin and wet. Red mud cakes his boots and makes his feet heavy. When he decides to scrape it off, it will peel off like a fat leech.
Light is just beginning to fertilize the valley.

**

His son will learn the word homo today. They will shout it at him from the street corner. They will laugh and smoke and spit. His shoulders will roll up to his jawline and his back will hunch forward into his jacket. He will try to make himself seem smaller. His black eyes will dim in the streetlights. His mouth will turn dry and his hands will harden into tight little fists, his fingers retreating into his hand like snails into their shells. Homo, homo, homo. They will follow him as he walks to the school. They will throw things at him. They will try to tease some sort of man out of the boy. But they have the wrong definition of man. They think that a proper man will cuss and wear his pants low. This is too bad. Men also beat their women and smoke marijauna joints behind the minute market. Their words will die in the air, but their barbs remain stuck in his skin, like little bee stingers. He will turn around eventually and tell them to piss off. He will get in a fight. These things happen. It is unavoidable. He will come home with a fat, rubber lip and a black eye and poison in his words.
Things will get better.

**

The picking bag has straps that you cross and put your head through. He places it over his head. It rests against his belly and chest like a nursing infant. They have a camping lantern hissing on the plastic table with styrofoam cups of water and coffee. There is a smell of white gas in the air. The men are laughing and scuffing the ground with their boots and waiting for the tractor to come. He looks up again. He sees the light from the east scrubbing up the sky, wiping away the soot left behind by the night. The trees hustle. He can see their branches, heavy and cupped with fruit. The pear bodies soft and round in the half-light, like the secret parts of a woman. He can hear the tractor coming now. Chuffing and grumbling up the row. The other men can hear it, too. They drop their cigarettes and step on them with their heels. He checks the the buckles on his picking basket. The orchard keeper sitting behind the plastic table reminds them that he doesn't want any pears that aren't as big or bigger around the middle than his index finger and thumb pressed together. Rows twenty-two through forty today. He tells them that if they bruise any fruit he'll take it out of their pay.
The headlight of the tractor bumps around the corner, fingering through the trees.

**

His son will learn the word home today. He knows what it used to be. It used to be casa. Now it is the old tenement within walking distance of the orchard. It used to have walls of plywood and a roof of corrugated aluminum and when it rained it would chatter and rattle all night long. Now, it has walls of plaster that are spread with flowery strips of paper which sag and smell. The roof is soundless. They have a plastic card key to get into their room. They also have three forks. One of them is silver. They never use it. They keep it in the drawer with the squeaky track and wheel. He will go to school again today. He will see the kids who beat him up and he will hate them. Their black, horsefly eyes. Their baggy white t-shirts and their thick fingers and heavy knuckles. Their upper lips sparse with thin black mustaches and their Cadillac with its low wheels and chipping paint. But he will be sensible. He will keep his head down. Maybe back home he would have defended himself, scrapping in the hot dust: an honorable thing. A necessary thing. But here, he does not know the rules. This place is too big. The city swallows him up, like some seamonster from a depthless trench. The streetlights that regard him. The predation of the smog and the seduction of low-hanging clouds. And these people. The curb-sitters. The chewers, the spitters, and the gangsters.
He will not forget.

**

The tractor is pulling a platform with wooden benches bolted to it where they will sit. He climbs on to the back and chooses a seat and sits with his picking bag on his lap. The others get on, too. The man who sits beside him smells of tortillas and sleep. He has a transistor radio held up to his ear. There is grainy, flat latino music coming from it. He listens with a solemn face. The driver looks over his shoulder and nods and pulls his tractor around and back down the row he came from. Exhaust is warm on his face. His picking basket bounces on his knees like a happy child. The branches of the trees grope at his face, like the fingers of blind women. The tractor tires spin mud. The wind is cold and he pulls tighter into himself, rubbing his hands together. The drone of the music. Damé fé, damé alas, damé fuerza para sobrevivre en esta mundo. There are pit toilets in between every twenty trees or so, hunched in the morning light. He can see a slow mist rising from the ground – spirits with hunger in their fingers. He can see old fruit lying on the ground with split skin and mushy flesh.
The stars have gone home.

**

His son will learn the word illegal today. He will learn that he should stay away from cops and keep his head down as much as possible. Don't look anyone in their eyes. Be respectful. Keep your sleeves rolled up. Show that you are a hard worker. Stay quiet. Words get you in trouble. He will walk the streets while his father is working. The soles of his sneakers will become worn down and hot. He will do everything right and no one will know him. He will find the railroad tracks. He will walk on the rails, arms held out and tipping for balance. He will see the old hobos with toothless mouths. He will see the cop cars on the street and he'll freeze up, ears pricking, his legs wobbling. They will not see him. He's just another poor mexican. He blends in with the slummy neighborhoods and the grassless lawns: woven into the picture. Digested. He will realize this himself eventually. He will become tall and thin. His ribs will hug and dip like plowed farmland, his feet will grow, his teeth will ache. He is a normal thing – part of the cycle. He is just there. He might fade and wither. His face might stretch, elongate, collapse and his jaw might become hard with pride. His limbs might bend and shrivel, like broken cornstalks. But no one will know.
And he will learn to love the anonymity, like one comes to love the partner of an arranged marriage.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Stay quiet. Words get you in trouble.

I think this would be better as, ‘Stay quiet: words get you into trouble.’

lawns: woven into

I think this would be better with the inclusion of ‘he is’ – ‘lawns: he is woven into’.

His ribs will hug and dip like plowed farmland, his feet will grow, his teeth will ache. He is a normal thing – part of the cycle.

These were my favourite two lines – I love the imagery here. It definitely sticks with the Minimalist concept, too.

I loved the characters, the father and the son, and how you showed their thoughts even despite it being third person. I also loved the descriptions you used—like, ‘Light is just beginning to fertilize the valley.’—which I thought was incredibly powerful and intense; although it was just a short sentence (for this particular example, at least), it was perfectly written and – just lovely, really.

In general, I really enjoyed reading this, and these were the only things I could find to point out. There were no grammar or spelling mistakes that I could see, and… well, I just really enjoyed this. (: Hope your contest goes well, and I hope you get more reviews on this; you deserve them.

This is incredible, and I can’t wait to read (and review) the second part. c:

Side-note: I also quite liked the (working?) title for this – it echoes the idea of how the father is eager to work (and to do something he knows, something he understands, whilst he’s in this new place; or at least, that’s how it seemed to me), and it’s so simple and effective, it’s great.




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Wow, that was brilliant.
A few nit-picky things:

This may just because I go to an inner-city school, where a lot of people smoke marijuana, but saying "....and smoke marijauna joints", is a bit repetitive. If you just say "joints", it generally refers to marijuana.
"Don't look anyone in their eyes" is normally "don't look anyone in the eyes".


The lines at the end of each 'section' were really cool and just trippy in general. I love how you change the verb tense between the father and the son. Really reminds me of La Muerte de Artemio Cruz. Keep writing! =)




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Ah Kylan, this is beautiful!

He smokes a cigarette. It is cold, but he has his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He always keeps them rolled up. It keeps him good. It keeps him thinking of work, waiting for work, mindful of work.

I think that sentence is unnecessary.


There were parts, where I thought the sentences were too choppy. For example here:
And these people. The curb-sitters.


You could make the two sentences as one. But, then again you might have done that deliberately. The pauses here and there, add a mood to the story. So, the choppy sentences didn't actually bother me, but I just thought I would mention that.

His shoulders will roll up to his jawline, and his back will hunch forward into his jacket. He will try to make himself seem smaller.


Added a comma in there.

I haven't got much else, but praise for you.
I love your similes, your choice of words, and the whole rhythm you've got going in this piece. I really enjoyed reading it. It wasn't so much the action or the characters, but it was the way you used your words that gripped me. Very, very beautiful.


Keep writing!
-Zehra
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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I thought that this was brilliant, Kylan. Usually, when there's a story with a lot of details and similes, it bores me after all, but I couldn't stop reading story until the end.
I like the way that the title related to the story so well, and that you could tell the characters' emotions so fully, even though it wasn't first person. I couldn't find anything wrong with the story that other people hadn't already figured out, except for that in the sentence 'He's just another poor mexican,' you didn't capitalize the word Mexican. I only really saw that because I'm a perfectionist.
I thought that this was an amazing story, and I can't wait to read part two. Keep writing, man!
-AdrianaConnor




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Hey Ky!

Well, I liked this but I do like everything you like. But instead of telling you that I like it and just being done with the review, I'll tell you what I liked about it so that you can know what you did right.

The switch from father to son was done beautifully and I didn't feel rushed or left-short through each change. The transitions were perfect and even your words... Usually, I have to tell you to tone down your similes and even though you broke some of your rules and used more than one simile, they were woven perfectly into this story.

I like how you keep saying "His son will learn...and then go on to explain what happened. It's like we're there, experiencing everything this kid is going through and I like how you paint the portrait of this man trying to teach his son the ropes the best way he can.

Favorite part:
They will try to tease some sort of man out of the boy. But they have the wrong definition of man. They think that a proper man will cuss and wear his pants low. This is too bad. Men also beat their women and smoke marijauna joints behind the minute market.


For some reason, when I read this part, it struck a chord. I love those pieces in your stories that just make me smile.

I will read the next part later but keep writing and I'll keep reading.

Great job,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Sorry it's taken a few days for me to get to this, Kylan. >_<

I. Little Things, First Time Through

where they will pass out the picking bags and take role for the day.


I think you mean 'roll', because it's short for roll call. =]

His black eyes will dim in the streetlights.


I think this is kind of awkward sounding, because, first of all, why would they become dim when hit with light? If you meant to say that they /are/ dim EVEN when there is light, then perhaps you should make that clear. Otherwise, if you don't want to, 'dim' on its own, though correct, still sounds weird without 'grow' or something else. =]

They will try to tease some sort of man out of the boy.


I LOVE that line.

The picking bag has straps that you cross and put your head through.


I don't like the reference to the 'reader' or just the general 'you' person. =[ It breaks up the flow you had going, so I think this information would be better phrased if it were more impersonal. n_n

He sees the light from the east scrubbing up the sky, wiping away the soot left behind by the night.


I really love this line as well. It is fantastic. Pure gold.

The trees hustle.


But I don't like that line. >_< First, it doesn't really make sense to me because it's just so darn vague. Then, you go on to explain something else about the trees that has nothing to do with this line, so it's like it was plopped in there with no meaning. D;

like the secret parts of a woman.


I dislike this phrasing. 'Secret parts' makes it seem more childish than the rest of the work. It's like 'oh, secret, we can't talk about it.' If that is what you were going for, I suppose that's okay, but it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the language in this piece for me.

The man who sits beside him smells of tortillas and sleep.


Beautiful.

woven into the picture. Digested.


Also beautiful.

II. Overall, Second Read

Kylan, I really love the way you went back and forth from the father to his son {or was there more than one father and son? o_O}. /That/ part of the consistency I liked. What I did not like so much was the way you had those little gratuitous sentences at the end of every piece. They're nice to make a dramatic point every once in a while, and I do like them in Holy Rolling because they kind of tie the pieces together. In this piece, you have something else working to do that, so the sentences just seem tacked on and, to be honest, rather forgetful.

I also appreciated the dirty tone you kept throughout the whole thing. It felt honest and a little like Steinbeck, yes. That dusty California feel. So, I enjoyed it, though from this side of the half-way mark it seems like an art piece, with no real plot. I mean, that's fine in its own right, but yes. n_n

Thank you!
-runs on to the next half-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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Pure beauty.
I love the way you explain everything, using it to connect.

That's the whole point!

It's pretty strange at how you use your words.
But I like it!

I think the only things I saw wrong were a few typos.


Other than that,
amazing!
Then I find,
I feel this passion grow,
To face all that's been lost,
It's not too late to give control now.
Got YWS?



I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47