Listless

This was an entry for the 100 Moods challenge on Livejournal. This was mood prompt number 59 - Listless. For the challenge, I chose to use Greek Mythology, and here is Narcissus' story, as I interpret it. (Or at least, the end of his story.)

--

I cannot move anymore, and I am uncertain if I want to or not. My body aches at every breath; I dare not move too swiftly, but could I stay here for eternity? It is a place of beauty, indeed, but it is doubtful that one could exist here for long.

The pond spreads out in front of me, wide and unimaginably deep. It glitters and sparkles as hazy daylight descends upon it, and it is lovely enough to stare at for hours on end – but it is the figure in the pool that has brought me to my knees, leaning so close to the water that I could touch it (if my limbs would still work, if my mind could still order them as I once so effortlessly did).

He is lovely. Broken shafts of sunlight flit across his black hair, and golden light stirs in his blue eyes. But he is as exhausted as I am, for we have been reaching to each other for weeks; his eyes are sunken, his full lips thin, and his cheeks are gaunt and hollow. I want to touch him, but my body does not; my body cannot anymore.

I will die soon. I know it, and he knows it. He gazes at me with tears in his eyes, but they are tears that do not fall, and my own prickle and burn with such. At first, I would have reached out to try and touch his face; I would have attempted to cup his pale, lovely cheek in my hand – but I had never been able to before. The water laid between us, barring our touches; it distorted him and making my heart fall and my hand stop short. And now I am dying, and I do not have the will to move through the water.

Unless…

No. I cannot.

But perhaps… Perhaps I can.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I can – and I will.

I will join him.

I close my eyes (and I know that he closes his; for he always knows what I am thinking, what I am feeling, and he is always eager to copy) and slowly move my muscles. I flinch – my body screams out. My muscles rage and roar, and my lungs constrict. It becomes hard to breathe (as if my body is trying to stop me, as if nature wants me to remain alive), and I have to pause momentarily to catch my breath.

But I have a plan, a final goal, a dream to fulfil. If I am to die, I will die with his lips upon mine, and with our hearts singing in our chests. I will not die before I achieve this; of that I am certain.

I slowly plant my hands on either side of me, and lean forward. I know he leans forward also, and we kiss – water laps at our faces, blurs our eyes and tricks our senses, but we are kissing!

Someone—something?—laughs, and I try to draw back. But I can’t. My eyes are blurred by tears and pond-water, and my lips ache for more, pulling me closer even as I try to get back. No, no, I don’t want to die! I have kissed his lips, I have almost tasted absolute perfection. I need more!

The laughter comes again, and I feel clammy hands wrap around my throat. My hands try to shoot up, to rub at my eyes, but something is pinning them to the ground; a pair of thin, pale, blurred hands. I’m being pulled slowly to the water – and then my face is beneath it, under it… it is all around me!

I kick out, but hit nothing; they are too fast, impossible to touch – it is as if they exist not at all. Again comes the laughter; and now I can see, I can see the pool full of grinning naked women with the smiles of sharks – sea-goddesses, nymphs perhaps.

They drag me down deeper, then deeper; the pond truly is endless! I will die in half-darkness, it seems; caught in light and dark now, just as before I was caught between love and life.

“Narcissus,” one whispers, cackling. They repeat my name, laughing coldly amongst themselves, but far above, far behind, I hear my name echoed with such passion, such fervour, that even beneath the water my tears fall.

A pair of clammy hands stroke my neck, and another my face, as it becomes hard to see – and to live. My hands lash out still, even as my lungs twist and burn; I cannot kick out now, and it is useless. I still land no blows upon them, and they drag me down deeper still. I cannot see anything, now; just darkness. (But I can still hear: their shrill laughter; my feeble, choking gasps.)

Oh, gods! I am a fool; and now I shall die, and be a fool evermore.

Hi Sinnful! Jon here!

I don't know why you would choose this tale to describe 'listless'. This tale is about a man who sees himself in a puddle/pool and falls in love with himself. He is eager to love himself, or the person he sees anyway. This story doesn't match the word. Anyway, here I go.

I cannot move anymore, and I am uncertain if I want to or not. The pool spreads out around me, glittering and sparkling as hazy daylight descends upon it

This is a very quick beginning. Try to describe the scenery more. You say the pool spreads? If it is spreading it means it's getting thinner and thinner. Like if water was spilt on the ground. In the tale of narcissus it is like a pond of sorts. Try to fix that.

golden light stirs in his blue, blue eyes.

This little bit seems too dramatic. "His blue, blue eyes." Just say blue eyes, it'll sound better this way. Plus, it gets redundant, not something you want.

At first, I’d have touched his face, cupped his cheek in my hand, but for the water barring us, distorting him and making my heart fall and my hand stop short. And now I am dying, and I do not have the will to move through the water.

You start out by saying I would have touched his face... Then you describe that he is in the water. You do not say exactly why he does not touch him. You hint maybe that it might distort him, but, you should give an example of where he did do it and he wont again.

No. I cannot.


Yes. I can.

Very contradictory here. You should put in a middle line saying something like, "But maybe I can." Then go on and say, "Yes. I can."

I close my eyes (and he closes his; for he always knows what I am thinking, what I am feeling, and he is eager to copy) and slowly move my muscles. I flinch – my body screams out. My stomach rages and roars, and my lungs constrict. It becomes hard to breathe (as if my body is trying to stop me, as if nature wants me to remain alive), and I gasp and almost choke on my own eager, parting lips.

what exactly is this man doing here? so he chokes himself on his own excitement? I think this little bit is confusing. The stomach roars? So, he's hungry? What exactly is going on, you have to tell us. Also this is very sudden and out of nowhere. What? Maybe add some more to it and have something lead up to this 'fit'.

My eyes are blurred by tears and pool-water,

Every time you say pool water I think this person is a a pool. (A chlorine pool) In the real story of narcissus he is at a pond/puddle. Try to stick with these words. Make it sound authentic.

I kick out, but hit nothing.

If nymphs are strangling narcissus and holding onto his hands, wouldn't he be close enough to kick them? I think you should add in that he kicks a few of them but in the end he is taken lower and lower.

I do not know, I do not know).

I think if you repeat, "I don't know." you should have and exclamation mark after the second one. If you don't it sounds like he is just saying it in a blazé manner. But of course, he shouldn't be. I mean, he's being attacked!

They repeat the word

The word? I thought they were saying his name? Narcissus is a name, not a word.

I would buck and twist, but my starved body cannot.

You said previously that he was kicking and fighting, he all of a sudden can't now?


Overall: I liked this, I read it 2-3 times and noticed a little more of the real tale of narcissus each time. Good job.


Just pick out those mistakes and such, it'll be great.


---Jon---

Hey Sinnful! Sorry about the confusion, but I'll review this piece now.

The pool spreads out around me, glittering and sparkling as hazy daylight descends upon it –

Because of the note you made at the top and the first sentence of the story, I had assumed that this 'pool' was a pool of your MC's very own blood. If it spreads out around him, the impression is that he is the center point of him, or the trigger of this pool's formation and existance. However:

– but it is the figure in the pool that has brought me to my knees, leaning so close to the water that I could touch it

This seems to mean that it is literally a pool of water, with another figure under it. The further I read, the more I realize that this is an actual body of water, but you might want to clarify that so readers don't think it's this dying character's blood.

Someone—something?—laughs, and I try to draw back – but can’t.

Too many dashes for one sentence. Try:

Someone--something?--laughs, and I try to draw back. But I can't.

(do not ask how I can hear it all so clearly; I do not know, I do not know).

I wasn't going to ask, actually. I think you can take all of this out, just because the readers aren't questioning Narc's ability to hear them clearly until you bring it up. Then we start questioning it. So, just take out these parentheses.

Alright, so I don't really now the story of Narcissus, but I think I can guess some of his personality well enough. Just given his name, and the way you portray this figure in the water staring back at him, I can only assume that it is his reflection. And I think that's great, how you have him talking about him so convincingly like he's another beautiful person.

Too convincingly, actually, because by the end I'm actually confused as to whether the figure on the other side of the water is actually Narcsissus's double/reflection, or if it truly is another man under there. Again, you need to clarify on just who the heck this guy is, or we're going to be too confused to enjoy your beautiful word choices and flowing phrases.

Your beautiful word choices and flowing phrases.

Really, I love the language you've established here. During even his death, you've set up a very calm, gentle, and serene atmosphere-- until the very end, with the voice. You have such a sophisticated and elegant tone of voice set up during the entire story.

Ambiguity

Not sure if I spelled that right, but whatever. It's all nice and grand to have a marvelously told story with riveting characters and language like slowly falling raindrops, but if the readers can't understand what in the world is going on, none of that stuff really matters.

So, as far as I can tell, Narc (I've taken the liberties to nick-name him XD) is paralyzed. Why? You just inform us that he is, not how he got that way. He's stationed near a pool of water, in which his reflection (or possibly another random man) is under. Then, suddenly overcoming his paralysis, Narc reaches in to kiss the man because he wants to die with his lips on him? And then the water nymphs drag him under?

If that is all correct, then you've done an okay job on letting your readers know what happened However, points you need to clarify/add:

1.) How is he suddenly able to move? He was paralyzed; now he isn't. How?

2.) Is this figure under the water his reflection, or another man entirely? You don't have to go out and say it, but find some way to use those beautiful words of yours to hint at his identity. I know that this is based off of a Greek Myth, but readers shouldn't have to be aware of the myth in order to understand your story; you should give us at least some sense of who these characters are, even if you didn't necessarily create them yourself.

I enjoyed this, though it seems almost as if it's fanfiction, you know? Readers need to be at least a little aware of the myth (which I am not whatsoever) to truly understand your characters and your plot/storyline. Otherwise, we're just given a random snippet into some stranger's death. Especially for those who aren't aware of the word 'narcissistic', or however it's spelled, it's hard to figure out what exactly this dying man is doing.

Thanks, good job, and good luck!

~Evi

*I just Googled, Narcissus, and okay, I found the myth. I can fully see that after I've become aware of the myth and his story, but we should be able to understand what's going on even without being familiar with it previously.*

Hey Sinnful! Here's your long awaited review. Sorry it took so long. I was very pre-occupied. I will review your other story (I have already been able to read it, but not critique it). However, I will review it as soon as my dad is not hovering over my shoulder. Until then, here's the critique of this one:

It is a place of beauty, indeed, but it is doubtful that one could exist here for long; and beauty can be deadly.

The part in bold was a little odd, when I thought about it. This is a good line, if you know how it goes. But thinking about it, I realized "Wait, this is his point of view. This is foreshadowing what might happen (in my opinion) and he has no clue that he's going to die'. Just something to take into consideration there.

It glitters and sparkles as hazy daylight descends upon it, and it is lovely enough to stare at for hours on end – but it is the figure in the pool that has brought me to my knees, leaning so close to the water that I could touch it (if my limbs would still work, if my mind could still order them as I once so effortlessly did).

I'm confused. So you say that he's in the pool. There are a couple flaws here. 1. I don't think he'd be able to see his reflection if he were wading in the pool (I first imagined it as a chlorine pool until it dawned upon me it was a pond or a lake). 2. Even if he could see his reflection while he was wading, he would be touching it.
Did you mean that he was looking into the pool/pond from the edge?
If so, explain this so people don't get confused.

He is lovely. Broken shafts of sunlight flit across his black hair, and golden light stirs in his blue eyes. But he is as exhausted as I am, for we have been reaching to each other for weeks; his eyes are sunken, his full lips thin, and his cheeks are gaunt and hollow. I want to touch him, but my body does not; my body cannot anymore.

I close my eyes (and he closes his; for he always knows what I am thinking, what I am feeling, and he is eager to copy) and slowly move my muscles.

POV problem here. So it says "I close my eyes". So your character can no longer see. He's blind. And then it says "And he closes his" but how can he possibly know this? Does he have some extra sense or something (I never read him having one). So I would put something like "and I'm sure he closed his too, for he always..." because otherwise it makes things not make sense.

and I have to pause to grip my throat; massaging, trying to restore the flow of breath.

If moving makes it hard to breathe, and its incredibly hard to move, then why would he grip his throat and just ruin his progress? It would hurt, and then he'd have to do everything again. How about he just pause and regain his breath.

I'm being a nit pick. Sorry.

I slowly plant my hands on either side of me, and lean forward. He leans forward also, and we kiss – water laps at our faces, blurs our eyes and tricks our senses, but we are kissing!

So is his eyes still clothes (and if they are, its the same problem. Maybe 'I know he leans forward also')
I love how you had him think that he was just being tricked and not just kissing water.

No, no, I don’t want to die! I have kissed his lips, I have almost tasted absolute perfection. I need more!

This is also good. very realistic that he would want more.

I kick out, but hit nothing; they are too fast, impossible to touch – it is as if they exist not at all. Again comes the laughter; and now I can see, I can see the pool full of grinning naked women with the smiles of sharks – sea-goddesses, nymphs perhaps.

Great description! Favorite line 'with the smiles of sharks'

just as before I was caught between love and life.

I also like this line. you've got a slew of good things in this area. :

My hands lash out still, even as my lungs twist and burn; I cannot kick out now, and it is useless.

'kick out' seems very oddly phrased (to me anyways, I've never heard of it that way). I'd suggest taking the 'out' part out.

POV Problems.
This is the issue with writing in first person. Its the character telling their side of the story. So if his eyes are closed, he is truly blind to the rest of the world. Multiple times, three I think, you had him (sorry, I haven't used his name the entire time because I keep forgetting how to spell it) know something that he could have known for certain, only presume or guess. For example, though I love the line at the beginning, you had him foreshadow his own death. This, I'm sure, is definitely a nit pick. I know, I know, it could just be a reference to something else, but it seemed strange. Here's something that you could try for the future:Read over your stories and think: Is there anything that he wouldn't know, that he did?
There were only a few mistakes of this, not a huge problem, but certainly bugging me.

Description
Some of your description is absolutely wonderful, but in the beginning it was very confusing of how the pond looked like. Evi thought he was in a pool of blood, and I thought he was in a normal chlorine pool for a while, and then that he was actually in the pond. A little more description in the beginning would be lovely so that we know for sure what everything is like before we get confused.

Overall
There were a few issues and confusion, but I like the take on his last moments. As far as I can tell, you went with the myth and all, so I found it good.

PM me with any questions or anything. I promise I'll review your other request (but as I said, not near my dad)
~MidnightVampire

...... I don't know what to say... It was... Beautiful.

On with the review:
´
The punctuation is good, but.
Get rid of all those brackets. Yes all of them. Use commas or periods (semi-colons etc.) to replace these: ( )

Unless…

No. I cannot.

But perhaps… Perhaps I can.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I can – and I will.

I will join him.

Too many "yes". Maybe: Yes. Yes, I can." or "Yes. Yes, yes, I can" if you want to be more repetitive. (Four yes' is just to much. It doesn't flow well)


There isn't much more because it is a good piece. Or you have edited it to become a good piece.


Your own interpretation is a bit new isn't it?
The nymphs kill him. That's new. I liked it.