Lily Foxglove 4.1

Hey =] Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story and the reviews that I've had have been really appreciated. I know that this needs improving so any ideas and critisisms will be really helpful and welcomed I know this part's short, but the whole chapter is too long to post all at once. Hope you like it!


I was happily enjoying my tuna mayo sandwich, before I was interrupted by Elliot placing his tray on the table where I was sitting. I carried on eating, minding my own business, when I looked up to see him watching me. I quickly put my hand over my mouth in case I had any food around it.

“Don’t worry, you haven’t got anything around your mouth,” he said with a smile, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

I slowly removed my hand from in front of my mouth and he carried on talking.

“I was just thinking,” he continued, “you’ve lived next to me for how long?”
“About seven years,” I replied, slightly confused.
“And how many times have we spoken?”
“I’d say, including today, about three times.”
“Exactly,” he replied suddenly. “We’ve been neighbours for seven years and we’ve hardly spoken at all.”
“Yep,” I replied, not knowing where he was going with this.
“I think we should have a ‘get to know each other’ session,” he concluded, studying my face to see my reaction to his idea.
After a minute of silence in which I’d looked over to see Roxy sitting with Blake, I nodded my head.
“Yeah, why not.”
“Okay you go first,” he replied.

As usual, when I’m required to think on the spot, my mind went blank. Eventually though, after a few encouraging nods from Elliot, I blurted the first things that came to mind.

“My name’s Lily Emelia Foxglove. I’m fourteen years old and my birthday is the 24th of August. My favourite colour is pink. I love music and my favourite band is ‘One stormy night.’ I lived in Bristol with my Mum and Dad until I was eight, when my Mum met Paul. I then moved to Beer. My Mum and Paul got married and around a year later, my evil half sister Pansy was born. That enough?” I asked, feeling as if I had just recited my life story so far.
“Any hobbies?” he asked, sounding genuinely interested.
“Well music if that counts,” I shrugged, “and I’d love to be a journalist when I’m older.”
“Cool.” His eyes shone with enthusiasm. At least someone’s having fun.

I smiled politely and went back to eating my lunch. After scoffing half a packet of salt and vinegar crisps, I looked up to ask Elliot about himself. It was only fair that I found out about him too. As I opened my mouth to speak though, he yawned.

“Am I keeping you up?” I asked. Waiting for him to respond, I noticed what looked like bags under his eyes.
“No, it’s not you. It’s just that I’m so tired,” he answered. “I haven’t been able to get to sleep lately. All I can hear is talking outside and it’s driving me insane.”
All of a sudden it clicked. If I could hear Paul at night, so could Elliot.
“Did you see who it was talking?” I asked, suddenly full of excitement. I felt my heart beat quicken and a few butterflies enter my stomach.
“I saw three people, but I couldn’t see their faces,” he said, screwing up his face as he tried to remember. “Judging by the voices I would say that it was three men.”
“Could you hear what they were saying?” I asked, desperate to know if Elliot had anymore information than I did. The butterflies multiplied in anticipation.
“I couldn’t hear that clearly,” he replied, “but they were saying something about caves.”

All of a sudden, Roxy ran past our table with tears rolling down her cheeks. My first instinct was to follow her into the toilets where she had gone, but another part of me wanted to stay and talk to Elliot. Deep inside I knew that Roxy was my priority, even if we weren’t speaking.
“I’m really sorry,” I said, standing up and shoving the remainder of my lunch into my bag.
“Where are you going?” Elliot asked, raising his eyebrows.
“A friend needs me,” I replied, slinging my bag over my shoulder and turning in the direction of the toilets.
“Don’t you want to know about me?” he asked, dejectively. He looked stung; his eyes no longer shining.
“Maybe some other time,” I called back over my shoulder.


Thanks for reading!

Whoo, first comment!

I think this has to be the best written part so far, in my opinion. That's all I can say really.

Oh, and Elliot sounds kind of cute. Where can I find my own one?

Hi I really enjoy this story! I love how you have brought Elliot more into it, he seems so sweet There really aren't very many nitpicks here! Great job

before I was interrupted by Elliot placing his tray on the table where I was sitting.

I think you could say something better than 'placing' here, maybe it could be more of a forceful action so she would more likely be interrupted? You could maybe describe the sound- like clunked or clattering, for instance 'before I was interrupted by the clattering sound of Elliot's tray on the table where I sat.' or just describe how he places it down- 'by Elliot banging his tray down onto the table where I was sitting'

“About seven years,” I replied, slightly confused.
“And how many times have we spoken?”
“I’d say, including today, about three times.”
“Exactly,” he replied suddenly. “We’ve been neighbours for seven years and we’ve hardly spoken at all.”
“Yep,” I replied, not knowing where he was going with this.

You say 'replied' here quite a few times- I'd maybe replace one or two of them so you are not repeating it

Waiting for him to respond, I noticed what looked like bags under his eyes.

You wouldn't really need to say 'what looked like' as you can already tell just by looking that they are bags if you get what I mean. You could possibly describe 'dark purple shadows under his eyes' instead of just saying bags to add more description but that's just as extra thing

All of a sudden, Roxy ran past our table with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I'd add a bit more description to Roxy here- like her mascara running, hair coming lose, that sort of thing as its quite a brief mention here.

“Maybe some other time,” I called back over my shoulder.

As she is calling this back over her shoulder an exclamation mark might work better than a comma.

Overall: This is a really well written piece, really not many nitpicks at all! I look forward to reading on and finding out about what is going on with Roxy, its a nice cliffhanger to leave it at

I'd maybe add just a bit more to the conversation with Elliot when it gets to the part that Lily is quizzing him on what he can hear, how Elliot reacts. If I was in his place I'd be a bit suspicious as to why someone is asking so many questions, so that's a possible emotion you could show here. I think maybe after she has blurted out all about herself, she might feel a bit embarrassed so you could add in something about how she feels after she has revealed more on her life.

I loved this part! Sorry for the lack of helpfulness, this part was pretty polished already! *star*

Hey!
Sorry it took so long to get round to reviewing this, I've just been so busy with that project and stuff :/ However I'm done now
On to the review!

Even though you mention this isn't the beginning of the chapter, the introduction was good. It starts off so normal, 'i was happily enjoying my tuna mayo sandwich'. That phrase immediately makes me think that something is going to happen, because I know that this sentence will most probably be followed by 'when this this and this happened' or in your case 'BEFORE this this and this happened.'

Grammar
Grammar-wise there isn't any thing wrong here. I love your writing style and it really makes it appearance in here. I could never write like this. Your work is so easy to read but it's also really good and makes you want to read on... so good work .
I did however find a few nitpicks

As usual, when I’m required to think on the spot, my mind went blank.

You change tenses here, this was probably done on purpose but it is a bit confusing. I would stick to one tense in this sentence if I were you. You could change it to something like:
'As usual, like in any other moment when I was required to think on the spot, my mind went blank'
Or something along those lines.

I felt my heart beat quicken and a few butterflies enter my stomach.

Again I understand that you purposely kept 'enter' in the present tense, but in my opinion it would work better as 'entered'. It's your decision though, read the sentence with each one and see which sounds better to you.

Dialogue
This was very fluid and very easy to understand. I never had to go back to re-read something a character said to understand what they meant. The characters seemed real in the way they talked, it wasn't 'robotic' so to speak. I could actually imagine this dialogue going on between two actual people.

“I was just thinking,” he continued, “you’ve lived next to me for how long?”
“About seven years,” I replied, slightly confused.
“And how many times have we spoken?”
“I’d say, including today, about three times.”
“Exactly,” he replied suddenly. “We’ve been neighbours for seven years and we’ve hardly spoken at all.”
“Yep,” I replied, not knowing where he was going with this.
“I think we should have a ‘get to know each other’ session,” he concluded, studying my face to see my reaction to his idea.
After a minute of silence in which I’d looked over to see Roxy sitting with Blake, I nodded my head.
“Yeah, why not.”
“Okay you go first,” he replied.

The above dialogue was great and proves all that I said.

Characters
Lily seems a shy person... but I may be completely wrong on this.

“My name’s Lily Emelia Foxglove. I’m fourteen years old and my birthday is the 24th of August. My favourite colour is pink. I love music and my favourite band is ‘One stormy night.’ I lived in Bristol with my Mum and Dad until I was eight, when my Mum met Paul. I then moved to Beer. My Mum and Paul got married and around a year later, my evil half sister Pansy was born. That enough?” I asked, feeling as if I had just recited my life story so far.

All that made me think she was nervous when talking to him and because she was so uncomfortable she just blurted her life story out.
Does Elliot have a crush on Lily? It's just that it seems that it's odd he suddenly starts properly talking to her after years of living right next door. If I'm right then does she like him back? I would suggest adding more about how she feels towards Elliot, even if she doesn't like him. Maybe you could say that she feels uncomfortable about the fact that he's taking so much interest her if that is the case.
The relationship between Lily and Roxy seems sort of forced. It looks to me that sometimes Lily only helps Roxy because she thinks it's her duty as her friend? As in, she loves her because she's her best friend but sometimes she has to force herself to make that extra effort?

All of a sudden, Roxy ran past our table with tears rolling down her cheeks. My first instinct was to follow her into the toilets where she had gone, but another part of me wanted to stay and talk to Elliot. Deep inside I knew that Roxy was my priority, even if we weren’t speaking.

Above Lily does not want to go with Roxy, but thinks she HAS to. Maybe you could elaborate more on this? And if I'm wrong in that assumption, try to make it seem otherwise?

Great job on the whole!
PM me with any questions.
xxmimixx