BFBO - Removed for Editing.

Removed For Editing.

Hello there! ;D
I don't quite know how to critique non-fiction, so I am going to critique almost like any other story I have read. If that is a problem, tell me why don't you.

Let us begin.

I. NIT-PICKING

The heat, instead, gelled along my spine until the drops of sweat from my hair were a relief.

Truth be told, the sweat does not actually come from 'the hair' on someone's body. Hair cannot sweat. It is usually the weird sweat gland thingies near the hair.
This sentence overall kind of seems... mleh to me.
I would not have talked about that of all things, more over it is the way you said it. i understand that this is trying to make it seem like it is dreadfully hot out, and I believe it was probably dreadfully hot out, but I think you can display the fact of sweat in a different manner.

Maybe say something like; 'The heat, instead, caused my shirt to cling to my sweaty back' or something like that. I am not great at examples. xD

I was in His yard

Just to let you know, when you capitalized 'his' it made me think more over God because I grew up in a religious family. I don't think it needs to be capitalized unless you wanted to emphasize that word and you can easily use italics for that.

and it mottled with dead, flat stalks.

I believe you need a 'was' inbetween 'it' and 'mottled'. I am not sure if that is actually correct, it just seems that I have never heard a saying like that. With the 'was' it makes more sense to myself.

it was green like the grass, and peeling back.

This is just me being nit-picky. First of all, you said the grass was yellowing, not green. And secondly, what do you mean by peeling back? Becuase I have not heard that phrase before either. I thought you were describing the paint on it, and if that is true you might wish to make that clear.

and one red one that liked bees

Bushes can't like bees. Moreover bees like the bushes.

the fear gripped my heart and chest until breathing was a chore I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with.

I love this line! Good Job.

whinged

I believe my vocabulary is not as sufficient as yours. I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean. xD

I feel, as my family learnt to do

I believe it should be 'had learnt to do'. That way it makes more sense and fluent to the ears. Well at least for me it does.

So, he convinced me to continue.

I love making lines like this. It draws the readers attention in more making them wanting to know what happens next. In this case it was played out perfectly. A job well done.

the quiet determination my brother held as he pattered always forward.

'Pattered' here does make sense, but in doesn't seem to fit right for me. I believe you should find another verb to place there. You do have an excellent vocabulary so I don't think it would be much of a problem. You could say something like 'strode' or 'edged', something that displays more confidence and determination that the brother seems to have.

his hair plastered to his forehead in the rain,

This is just a small suggestion that you don't really have to comply to but I believe you could possibly tell what his hair colour was because so far it is unknown and it is incredibly hard to imagine what colour it truly is because it is a memoir and it should be as realistic as that autor wants it to be. I keep thinking light brown. xD

maybe that scared me more than my parents, Emily didn’t have the same limits

My only thought about this is that more over parents are more evil that watchers because they don't have to worry about losing their job if they do something bad to the kid. But that is only my opinion. It might have been different for you after all, this is a true story.

I’d never been a fan of the dark. I was tempted – is that too explicit? I was hungry and Chris’ hand on my own was hot, humid after the rain, and I could feel our palms sliding together with sweat.

I do not fully understand this. Were you actually hungry? Because this part and the part before it could make some readers perk their eyebrows in amazement because it can seem erotic, and it is just a kid. I am sure you never meant it that way, but the emotions are in a blur and it is hard to tell what you are actually thinking.

Mum would be home, hands on her hips, watching the driveway as the policeman slowed to a halt.

This part makes me hit my head in realization. Those guys were police officers, not a motorcycle gang! xD

The thought made me cry so hard I was asleep before the sight ever hit me.

I like this ending. Good Job.

II. EVALUATION

Psst. Usually I have other things I tend to comment on, but you seemed to do well in all of them. Your grammar and punctuation was fantastic. It was really well done. I also loved your vocabulary. You seem to paint beautiful pcictures with just your words. It must have taken a lot of practice.

Some things I would comment on is that I believe you should have given a tiny bit more description of Chris. I didn't know what to think of what he looked like. Also, the beginning didn't seem like you were a three year old, for if I was three, I wouldn't be able to do all the things you did. I only just realized I could climb a fence. xD

Other than that, I loved the raw emotion you seemed to be able to display. I think that it being an actual memory helped to add to the confusion. The memory gaps made it seem more believable because certainly not many people can remember many times when they were three. I certainly can't.

You did a good job, and I loved this. Gold Star for you!

~Incognito