Redemption [1.2]

Okay, this is probably the longest part. So, sorry about that. As always, comments and suggestions are appreciated.

Shane returned her smile and placed his hands on his hips. He felt worse then ever, but, it was worth it when the announcer spoke. "Shane Mitchell has beaten his own record by two seconds." Finally, he felt like he had really accomplished something.
Shane smiled to himself, walked off the track, and up the bleachers. Nathan ran up to him. "Amazing," he sighed. "No words can express it. Like always. Listen, Jason isn't coming so I was wondering if you could fill in for him."
Shane didn't know how to answer this. He felt really sick, and, he wasn't sure if he could run anymore. Nathan's face was pleading. He always watched Shane win. Why couldn't Shane help him shine just once? "Sure," Shane squeaked. He tried to comprehend why he would be so sick all of a sudden.
Nathan smiled. "You're the best." He walked off to tell the rest of his relay team.
"Raine, you have to go soon," a girl near Shane said in a high-pitched, squeaky voice. The kind of voice that bothered everyone.
"I know," the person Shane assumed was Raine replied.
"You have to do well. This is your last year with this team. You know you can beat the girl’s record. Maybe you can even beat that kid that wins every year. For the guys," the first girl encouraged.
"Probably not, he's really good. Who is that kid anyway?" Raine asked.
"Shane Mitchell, he's right there," Shane felt his face flush as they went silent. Slowly he turned his head in their direction.
One of the girls had brown hair and brown eyes. One looked familiar. She twirled her red hair, with blonde highlights, between her fingers and smirked. Her eyes were a shining hazel. He knew her from somewhere; he just couldn't put his finger on where. Suddenly he remembered the day his mom died, and the elevator. He knew she remembered him; she probably wouldn't have if it weren't for his stupid eyes.
It was like everything Shane thought before happened. He knew he would see that girl again; he always thought he would see her again. He thought she was a sign. Now, here she was.
Raine glanced at Shane one more time, and walked off towards the track. "Good job, Shane," the other girl said pleasantly and blushed.
He nodded, and walked over to his team. They all high-fived him, and he sat down next to Nathan. "They think that Raine girl will beat your record," he whispered.
Shane nodded. "Let's watch," Nathan suggested.
Shane stood up but as he did, he felt like he would throw up. He sat back down. Nathan grabbed his arm, "Come on!"
Nathan dragged him towards the fence. Shane leaned against it heavily to support himself. Raine was in lane four, like Shane was. Slowly, Raine pulled her hair into a messy ponytail and assumed her starting position.
Shane felt dizzy and really wanted to sit down, but, kept watching. He saw the referee lift up his arm and suddenly, he heard the pistol sound. Raine flew past the person in the fifth lane. He could tell she wanted to win.
She really wanted to beat him. Like always, Shane felt like if she didn’t win, it would be his fault. At least, that's what he thought; he was always thinking about things that made him feel worse about himself.
The person in the sixth lane put up a hard fight. They kept passing each other. Raine slowed down until the end, then, she sped up and flew past the person in the sixth lane and crossed the finish line. She smiled, and walked off the track confidently.
"Raine Clark has beaten the girl’s record. She was two seconds away from beating the boy’s record," the announcer called.
Nathan high-fived Shane. "Still number one," he said with a smile. Shane nodded weakly and stumbled backwards. He sat on a bench and took a few deep breaths.
"You don't look so good," Nathan said. "Maybe you should get something to drink." He reached inside his pocket, and grabbed a five dollar bill. He handed it to Shane.
"Thanks," Shane said, in a barely audible whisper. He pushed himself off the bench, and walked towards the concession stand. Raine was being congratulated by a few of her friends. Part of Shane wished she would've beaten his record. Somebody else could have the glory besides him.
The line for concessions was long and for most of the wait he was struggling to stay standing. He stepped up to the counter and ordered water. He took a large drink and noticed Raine looking at him. He thought he saw her smile, but, he was probably wrong.
Shane walked back towards his other team members and sat down. "Our relay is soon," Nathan informed him. "Are you sure you're up to it?"
"Yeah," Shane answered.
"Okay," Nathan said.
Shane waited impatiently for the other events; he just wanted to go home and sleep. "First call for the boys 1600 meter relay," the announcer called.
Nathan and Shane stood up and started walking towards the track. They met up with the other two relay members, Ryan and Mike.
"So what order are we going in?" Ryan asked and brushed his light brown hair out of his eyes.
"I say the fastest runners go first and last so... I think Nathan should go first, and Shane should go last," Mike suggested.
Ryan nodded in agreement and so did Nathan. "Then I guess Ryan can go second, and I'll go third," Mike continued.
"Is that okay with you, Shane?" Ryan asked.
Shane nodded, "It's your guy's team. I'm just the replacement."
They nodded and stepped forward as the referee explained the rules. Mike and Shane stepped off the track. "People are probably so pissed you're running with us," Mike laughed.
"Yeah," Shane managed to say. He wanted to tell Mike that they could win without him, but refrained.
Nathan stepped into the second lane. He smiled at Shane and Mike, and they returned it with a thumbs up. Nathan clutched the blue baton in his hand as the pistol sounded.
He took off running, pretty fast. He passed everyone into first, with a generally strong lead. Ryan stood at the triangle with his hand outstretched behind him. "Run," Nathan said, out of breath. Ryan jogged slowly and Nathan smacked the stick into his hand. Ryan picked up his pace.
Nathan walked over to Shane. "Good job," Shane told him with a smile. Nathan nodded and put his hands on his hips.
Ryan kept the lead, making an even bigger gap between him and the other runners. Like before, he handed it to Mike.
Shane was beginning to feel nervous. He didn't want to let his friends down, but, he didn't feel well at all.
The referee slid him into the first lane. Shane held his hand out behind him and closed his eyes. He opened them when he heard Mike's faint voice, "Run." Shane felt the baton in his hand and started running. He wasn't nearly as fast as he was in the regular four hundred meter run. He wanted to stop and run back the other way but, kept going. Suddenly, he had to stop. His running slowed down and he stood there. He looked at Nathan who was staring at him, puzzled. He heard the other runners coming and about three past him.
"What are you doing?" he heard someone yell.
Come on Shane, you're letting people down. You always let people down, Shane thought. He couldn't let anybody else down. He started sprinting and passed two people. He finished the race in second place. He handed Nathan the baton and sprinted towards the bathroom.
It was dirty and smelled terrible. He went into one of the stalls and closed the door. As he dropped to his knees he heaved into the toilet bowl.
As he finished he heard the door open, "Shane?" Nathan's faint voice called. Shane didn't want him here. He wanted to be alone; he didn't want people pestering him asking questions like, "Are you sick?" or "Maybe we should leave and your dad can take care of you." His dad wasn't going to care. He pretty much taught Shane that you had to take care of yourself, and nobody is going to help you in the "real world."
Shane flushed the toilet and walked out of the stall. "You didn't have to run if you didn't feel good," Nathan informed him.
"I'm not sick," Shane replied. He was feeling much better now and his headache was starting to go away.
"You just threw up, you have to be sick," Nathan retorted.
"Nate, honestly, I'm not sick," Shane snapped. The only reason he was sick was because he rarely ate, and he was always nervous about his dad.
Nathan put his hands up in defense, "Okay." Nathan started towards the bleachers.
Shane swallowed, he wanted to leave. But, who was going to take him?
He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Ryan.
"Its okay we only got second. You did fine, I'm sure you stopped for a good reason." Ryan was the kind of person who was nice because he wanted to be. He made sure nobody ever felt down about themselves.
"Thanks," Shane replied quickly and tried to avoid eye contact. Ryan nodded and walked off.
Reluctantly, Shane pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.
He dialed his dad's cell phone number and waited for an answer. "Hello?" his dad answered in a raspy voice.
Shane bit his lip and questioned if he should just hang up and forget about it. "Dad?" he asked reluctantly.
Realizing it was Shane, his dad's voice became harsher. "What?" he snapped.
Shane shook his head, "Never mind," he said.
"No, what is it?" his dad asked tiredly.
"Um, I need a ride home," Shane told him and waited anxiously for a reply.
"From where?" his dad asked in the same, "I don't want to talk to you," tone.
"Track meet," Shane replied.
"I don't have time," his dad said and hung up. Shane looked at the screen and sighed. Of course he didn’t have time.

Hey me again! This was good, I feel even worse for Shane now though I don't have much time at the moment so I'll probably focus more on overall comments sorry!

Shane smiled to himself, walked off the track, and up the bleachers.

I think 'walked' needs to be 'walking' or the comma before it needs to be replaced with an and.

Shane didn't know how to answer this.

I think this might sound better without 'this' on the end as its already clear what he is answering.

He tried to comprehend why he would be so sick all of a sudden.

instead of 'be' I'd say 'feel' as be kind of implies vomiting and stuff which he has not done yet.

a girl near Shane said in a high-pitched, squeaky voice. The kind of voice that bothered everyone.

You have just describe Shane's voice as squeaky so I'd maybe replace the description here- maybe nasal?

One of the girls had brown hair and brown eyes. One looked familiar.

I'd change how you begin one of these sentence so you are not repeating 'One'- maybe the second sentence could be 'the other' or 'another'.

Suddenly he remembered the day his mom died, and the elevator. He knew she remembered him; she probably wouldn't have if it weren't for his stupid eyes.
It was like everything Shane thought before happened. He knew he would see that girl again; he always thought he would see her again. He thought she was a sign. Now, here she was.

I think you need to reword some of this, I know its supposed to be vague and I am curious as to what he is talking about but I did find some of it just a bit too confusing. Especially the sentence 'It was like everything Shane thought before happened.' I'm not really clear on what you mean. And when you say he thought she was a sign- a sign of what? I'd add a bit more detail to some of it so it is still left as quite mysterious but with enough added so it is clearer to the reader what he is thinking about

Like always, Shane felt like if she didn’t win, it would be his fault.

Why does Shane want someone on the other team to win? I was a bit confused here.

"It's your guy's team. I'm just the replacement."

I think this might make more sense phrased as either 'its your team' or its 'you guys team' as 'your guys' sounds like there is a specific guy who belongs to them and its his team if you know what I mean lol

They nodded and stepped forward as the referee explained the rules. Mike and Shane stepped off the track.

You repeat 'stepped' here so I would replace one of them.

He wasn't nearly as fast as he was in the regular four hundred meter run. He wanted to stop and run back the other way but, kept going.

I'd maybe change 'he was' to 'he had been' and I'm not sure about running the other way as that would still be running and that's what is making him sick. Instead I would maybe say something about wanting to stop and sit down in the middle of the track or something like that

Suddenly, he had to stop. His running slowed down and he stood there.

I'd maybe say something about slowing down to a standstill so that it is clear that he has stopped before you say he stood there.

You always let people down, Shane thought. He couldn't let anybody else down.

I'm not sure about repeating the sentence- maybe 'he couldn't fail anyone else' or something similar would work better.

He pretty much taught Shane that you had to take care of yourself, and nobody is going to help you in the "real world."

'and that nobody would help you' might make more sense.

"You didn't have to run if you didn't feel good," Nathan informed him.

I'm not sure about 'informed'- wouldn't his friend be concerned? This sounds a bit like he doesn't care whereas I would think he would be more sympathetic.

"I'm not sick," Shane replied. He was feeling much better now and his headache was starting to go away.
"You just threw up, you have to be sick," Nathan retorted.
"Nate, honestly, I'm not sick," Shane snapped. The only reason he was sick was because he rarely ate, and he was always nervous about his dad.

You say 'sick' quite a few times here- I'd maybe change a couple to something else like 'unwell'. I'd maybe add 'He knew' before 'the only reason' as well so it shows that this is what he thought.

"Hello?" his dad answered in a raspy voice.

'His dad rasped' might sound better here.

Overall: I like how your story is developing! I really sympathise with the main character and I am really curious as to some of the things you have mentioned throughout this piece, nice work

Instead of picking out all the sentences individually, to save time I thought I'd mention overall what I think- sometimes your sentences seem a bit jerky but this can be easily fixed by joining them together. If you also related the sentence back to the main characters perspective it would make the piece maybe flow a bit better sounding more emotive then telling. Here's an example:

Nathan dragged him towards the fence. Shane leaned against it heavily to support himself. Raine was in lane four, like Shane was.

You could write it as something like this-
'Nathan dragged him towards the fence and Shane leaned heavily against it for support. Breathing heavily, he looked up to see Raine ahead of him in lane four- the same as him.'
So you are joining two of the sentence and also talking a bit more on how Shane feels and how he spots Raine instead of just telling the reader that Rain is in front of him

Sometimes I noticed that you used and to join ideas where a comma might be better used to flow easier. For example:

He went into one of the stalls and closed the door.

could be something like:
'He stumbled into one of the stalls, closing the door behind him.'
I also changed 'went' which is another of my comments- I thought you used some not very descriptive words where the piece would work a lot better with ones that gave more information on how the action was performed- like 'went' and 'walked'. I also noticed that you used smiling quite a lot to describe their expressions- a bigger variation in responses might be good I think more emotion is needed, how each character looks and feels and shows how they feel would really add to the story I think.

The general structure of the story I really did like though! I think a bit more detail could be added to quite a few moments- like when he buys water and after he's been sick to show the bathroom and how he feels and his friends responses.

Sorry this is unlike my previous reviews, as this part was quite long and I was short of time I thought this might be easier but sorry if its not very helpful! I love how you have revealed more on Shane and his problems and that you have not rushed the whole racing scene. I think you have done brilliantly there! Look forward to reading more!

Music, here as requested, my darling!


Grammar:

Shane smiled to himself, walked off the track[s],[/s] and up the bleachers. Nathan ran up to him. "Amazing," he sighed. "No words can express it. Like always. Listen, Jason isn't coming, so I was wondering if you could fill in for him."

He felt really sick, and[s],[/s] he wasn't sure if he could run anymore.

You know you can beat the [s]girl’s[/s]girls' record. Maybe you can even beat that kid that wins every year. For the guys'," the first girl encouraged.

"Probably not[s],[/s]; he's really good. Who is that kid, anyway?" Raine asked.

"Shane Mitchell[s],[/s]; he's right there[s],[/s]." Shane felt his face flush as they went silent. Slowly, he turned his head in their direction.

Suddenly, he remembered the day his mom died[s],[/s] and the elevator. He knew she remembered him; she probably wouldn't have if it weren't for his stupid eyes.

He nodded[s],[/s] and walked over to his team.

Shane stood up, but as he did, he felt like he would throw up.

He reached inside his pocket[s],[/s] and grabbed a five dollar bill.

"Thanks," Shane said, in a barely audible whisper. He pushed himself off the bench[s],[/s] and walked towards the concession stand.

The line for concessions was long, and, for most of the wait, he was struggling to stay standing.

Shane nodded, "It's [s]your guy's[/s]you guys' team. I'm just the replacement."

He heard the other runners coming and about three [s]past[/s]passed him.

As he finished he heard the door open[s],[/s]. "Shane?" Nathan's faint voice called.

"You just threw up[s],[/s]; you have to be sick," Nathan retorted.

Darling, you're having some trouble with your commas again! When it's a compound sentence, you need to put a comma before the conjunction! But, when it's not one, you're adding in unnecessary commas! Silly girl.


Language Usage: I thought the language was used fairly well. Your dialogue was, at most points, realistic. But, when you're telling the actions, it can get a little choppy. Example:

Nathan put his hands up in defense, "Okay." Nathan started towards the bleachers.

This line is very choppy. I don't like that you used "Nathan" twice. Try and edit this so that it flows more, darling!

Plot: It's continuing nicely. You did a nice job of bringing Raine in, and I know it'd be awkward, but wouldn't they interact just a bit more? Perhaps she turns when he's walking somewhere and their eyes meet in an odd glance for a few brief seconds. Something like that.

Imagery & Emotion: This is third person, so I didn't get as much emotion as I wanted. Try expressing it more through the type of things they say, how they say it, or through their actions.
Imagery. You did a nice job describing, but I'd like it less choppy, as I noted in L.U.

Good job! Keep it up! Please, continue to notify me when you post more! I'm sorry this came late; my internet's been down!

Love,
Music