Burn the hospital.

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(A statement on one of my previous works said that even in my poem's abstract understanding its hard to get a grasp on what I'm saying or alluding to, so in indents I will put the line's meaning or inference, and even the actual phrase's completion. though for the most part it isn't said unless necessary for verbal use.)

A shot to the temple and a blow to your ego,
that's what these admonishments about nothing are.
A slap to the face with and appreciative smile,
you can get angry hon, only six sins left for today.

Three down, since you saw me alone on a fine midnight hour.
Three down, the medications wearing you thin right now.

So rest up honey, (and) put your vindication up for a spell,
The stress isn't good for you, I'm sure release would do you well.
So hang my suggestions up and leave them with my caution,
I'll call for the last time, hoping to get that comforting dial tone.

Three down, you know you look lovely in a sterile hospital gown.
Three down, only one more hour till I can come back around.

See me again, yeah, in the light I found most flattering;
back when I was well rounded, in touch, in style, in vogue, in love.

Dreaming here, in a mass of others forgetting their worries,
trying here, to remember what it means to be 'us'.

Three down, oh well it only burns on the way down your throat,
Three down, aren't they adorable; our conceptions at late.

A shot from a thimble and a blow from a whore
that pretty much sums up my crimes for the court.
They slapped on some irons for a pitiful sight,
I'm due after you the devil's sure had a good time.

You left me out,
you've lost it now.
These are selfish thoughts, and I must admit.

We need a better end.
Last edited by Eraqio on Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.




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Yay!

Hi Eraqio, June here! :D

Let's see! Corrections first, other stuff later ;).

A slap to the face with and appreciative smile,

you can get angry hon, its only one (of several) deadly sin(s).



• and there should be an ;).

• And, its there should be spelled with an apostrophe, dear. it's.

busy here, oh, trying my best not to loose my self-respect.


• loose there should be lose, dear.


So!

Fabulous job here.
I really, really enjoyed the structure here; it gave a "different" appeal to the poem, and also demonstrated your style effectively.

The connectivity between events of this was absolutely fabulous-- the description ansd everything here was absolutely fantastic!

Sorry for the quality of this review, dear. I'm kind of short on time.

Keep up the great work, Eraqio ;). Loved it.

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners