[deleted]

Thanks for reading and for the reviews! Greatly appreciated!

Hey =]

I'll do my best to review this but I really couldn't find that much wrong with it.

away, - The comma should be a full stop

where Malc laid, - I think 'lay' would sound better than 'laid'

Thalia said, “What’s wrong?” - The 'W' should be lower case

and Thalia memorize, - I'd change the comma to a full stop

wringing her hands, - Comma should be a full stop

Blood! - This seems like a thought, I think it would be better in italics if it is.

That was it! I’d use a chair to help me grow taller and hopefully reach what I needed to. - Again, if this is a thought then it should be in italics

but clung to the wall I in time - I don't think 'I' is supposed to be in this sentence?

I knew where most everything was - I don't know if this sounds right...Maybe re-phrase it. 'I knew where most things were.'

Finally, though, I found - I don't think you need the first comma

off the seat - 'off of the seat'

with Malc between them on their makeshift stretcher. - Maybe describe what they made the make-shift stretcher out of as I found it hard to picture what it looked like. Was it wood? etc

-I would assume - to try and ease the flow of blood. - 'I'd assume it was to try and ease the flow of the blood'

looked up and said, “Do you think he’ll be okay? - The comma should be a full stop of the 'D' should be lower case

rand - I think you mean 'and'

Overall;

I still think this plot is interesting and I'm desperate to know if Malc is ok and what/who hurt him. The only thing I would add is that you should try and watch your sentence length. Some of the sentences are almost three lines long and are hard to read. If you break them up then they're easier to translate and take in as a reader.
Also, make sure that thoughts are in italics so that the reader knows which parts are thoughts.
I did enjoy reading this though and I'm looking forward to the next part

I hope I've helped!

xDudettex

Hi me again! I like where this story is going! Your right too, I think this part is needed as if you just jumped from the man being hurt to another event it wouldn't really work, every story needs some calmer parts in between

She looked relived when she saw us coming-she gave a brief smile which faded almost as soon as it had come, and stood up from her crouched position. “Mother!” she called, for we were still about five yards away, “You have to help him! He just fell over and there’s hardly any heartbeat and I-I didn’t know what to do!” Now she looked scared and miserable and I felt sorry for her because I knew she liked to help if she could.

You say 'she' quite a bit here, I'd maybe add in the sisters name once or twice or maybe say 'my sister' at some point so you are not using it so much.
I'm not sure about the last sentence- I think you could reword it a bit to sound better. You've already said 'looked' so I'd maybe change that and I'm not sure about starting with 'Now' either, the last explanation of why she feels sorry for her seems a little tagged on the end. Perhaps something like this-
'Her expression showed her fear and how miserable she was. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her- I knew she liked to help wherever she could and not being able to do so was obviously causing her a lot of distress.'

Ma and I arrived at the spot where Malc laid, me stumbling down the side of the hill, panting after her.

I think 'laid' should be 'lay'.

She took out from her dress pocket one of the things she’d grabbed before running out the door.

This sentence sounded a bit awkward to me- maybe you could rephrase it a little to something like 'she drew out one of the objects she'd grabbed from the house from her dress pocket.' or 'From her dress pocket she took out one of the things she had grabbed from the house earlier.'

I observed all this with idle curiosity, wondering what was wrong with him if even the smelling salts didn’t work, but then I got distracted by a rabbit that just happened to be passing by. I stared at it, and for a second it stared back, then when I took a small step toward it, it bounded away under some more bushes.

I love this added part about the rabbit- I think it really shows how a young girl would be distracted and adds to the scene
I'd maybe change 'but then I got distracted by a rabbit that just happened to be passing by' a little though. Instead of passing I'd say how it was passing and I think you could start this as a new sentence instead of adding it on the end of the last one. So maybe something like this 'I was momentarily distracted though as a rabbit hopped by.'
I'm not sure about 'some more bushes', it sounds a bit vague- 'a clump of bushes' might work better.

Suddenly, Ma let out a wordless cry, and I quickly gave my attention over to her,

I'm not that sure about 'quickly gave my attention over to her' I think you could phrase it better to show how she snaps out of her daydreaming. Perhaps something like 'I quickly snapped my attention back to her,' or 'my attention was quickly pulled back to her,'

“Good,” Ma said, wringing her hands,

I'm not sure if the action of wringing her hands fits that well in here, she does seem distressed but kind of in control of the situation so I would think that whilst she is instructing her daughter she might either focus her entire attention on her or be busying herself with the man. You could mention something about her locking her eyes on her to tell her seriously, perhaps commenting on her expression instead.

She shooed me quickly away and I heard her start to tell Thalia instructions for how to build a makeshift stretcher.

I'd maybe add 'as I turned to go' or something similar after 'she shooed me quickly away and'. Instead of 'heard her start to tell Thalia instructions' I think 'I heard her start to instruct Thalia on how to build' might run a bit smoother.

I wrinkled my nose, remembering how much I hated seeing the thick, red liquid-I always had, though I didn’t know why.

I'd maybe just leave the last part as 'I always had.' as I think 'though I didn't know why' sounds a bit tagged on the end and the sentence might run easier without it

I passed the trees again, and finally went into the house, blinking, my eyes trying to adjust as the dark assaulted them.

I think both 'passed' and 'went' here could be replaced with more interesting and descriptive words. For 'passed' you could instead say something about sprinting past or something like that to describe her speed as she went past them and for 'went' maybe something like 'burst' or 'erupted' to show her entrance.

I wondered how I was supposed to get the ingredients because they were on a high shelf and I couldn’t reach them. I looked around the room and spotted the high-backed wooden chairs we had around the table.

I'd maybe use a better word than 'I looked around' here- maybe 'my eyes searched' or 'my eyes scanned'. I think something like 'clustered' or 'crowded' instead of 'we had' might work well to describe how the chairs are around the table.

I’d use a chair to help me grow taller and hopefully reach what I needed to.

As she's not really growing, I'd maybe say 'make me taller', this kind of sound like from a child perspective and I know it is but not (as far as I know) at the time she is recounting the tale so I wouldn't think she would speak like this at this point, only when recalling what she said if that made any sense!

but clung to the wall I in time to keep from falling

I don't think 'I' should be here, I'd maybe have 'just' instead.

I knew where most everything was

I think this needs to be reworded- something like 'I knew where most things were' or 'I mostly knew where everything was'.

Ma even said once that if I kept that up, then I’d inherit her trade someday.

I'd change 'that up' to 'it up' and I'd leave out 'then' as I don't think you need it.

At the time, I didn’t really know or want to think about what that meant because it meant not being a child anymore and I didn’t want to grow up. But I wasn’t thinking of that at the time

You say she didn't what to think what that meant then say what it meant so I'd maybe reword it a little, perhaps changing one of the 'meant' to something a bit different like the one could be 'would lead to' or something similar. You have 'at the time' then you say 'but at the time' and you are referring to two different times but it is kind of confusing. I'd refer to at least one as to what time you are talking about so for the second you could say 'But I wasn't thinking of that as I searched through the herbs.'

and sitting next to some chopped up dill leaves. The yarrow hidden beside some dried rose bark in another jar

You use 'some' twice here and as you probably know by now, I'm not that keen on it I think you could maybe change it either once or both of the times to something else like 'a pile' or 'a jar' or something similar.

Finally, though, I found it way in the back in a plain brown bottle and snatched it up.

I'd say 'at the back' instead of 'in the back' or 'way back'.

I could see our sheep grazing a hill or so over and a man who was probably my father walking behind them.

I'd add a little detail to the man- just a small amount or something on how you can tell it was a man as I know he was quite far away. So perhaps him being strongly built or what colour he is wearing, just so there is something on how she could presume it was her father

Pa’s eyes, too, were the same as mine and when he smiled they crinkled around the corners and lit up with a sparkle of laughter.

I'd move 'too' to after 'same as mine'.

He was slow to act, but if something endangered us he’d come to our rescue quicker than a flash of lightening. And once he made his mind up about something it was almost impossible to change it.

The second sentence here doesn't seem connected to anything, I think you have enough information on him to leave it out.

I looked away from the figure and sat down, growing bored, while glancing up at the blue sky.

You say she looks away then you have her glancing up at the sky but its phrased so it sounds like its the same time which is kind of confusing. I'd have one or the other so it is just one direction she is looking in

No clouds to play games with today, so I occupied myself by making pictures with the leaves of the oak tree as a breeze passed by.

you say 'today' whereas before you were referring to everything in the past tense so I'd maybe change this to something like 'There were no clouds to play games with that day,'.

his stomach as padding-I would assume - to try and ease the flow of blood.

I don't think you need the second dash here.

Thalia was busy helping Ma put Malc on the bed that was Ma and Pa’s, and I walked over wondering what I should do, and also what would Ma and Pa do-where would they sleep-if Malc was occupying their bed.

I'd use a different word to 'put Malc on the bed'- maybe 'heaved' or something similar to show the effort it is to move him. The thought about where they would sleep seems a bit random, it kind of fits in with a child's thought though. I'd maybe have it separately, perhaps commenting on the strangeness of a thought at that time. For example- 'A thought popped into my head of where Ma and Pa would sleep were Malc to occupy their bed despite the seriousness of the situation.'

I noticed that Malc looked extremely pale, the whiteness of his skin making his dark hair and brows strikingly stand out.

I'm not sure about 'strikingly stand out', maybe 'stand out strikingly'? I'm not sure why but that sounds better to me

Underneath his dark cloak he wore dark gray pants and a tunic that had stitchery around the cuffs.

You say 'dark' twice here and also before so I'd maybe change one or two of them to something else like 'black' or 'deep'. I'd maybe change 'that had stitchery' to 'with stitchery' to flow a bit easier.

about her skill or whoever or whatever she was trying to help

'about her skill or her patient' might be a bit easier as its simpler.

What had been a carefree morning had suddenly become an adventure, and now had turned into a gloomy day.

I think this sounds a bit awkward, I'd maybe reword it a bit. 'Our carefree morning had swiftly become an adventure, now declining into gloom.' or something similar might work well.

I merely shrugged at her and after that brief question from her we were silent,

I'd simplify this a bit to flow better, maybe 'I merely shrugged at her and we both fell back into silence.'

then I grew bored, so I got up and left Thalia sitting there while I went to find something to do.

you said she grew bored before so I'd maybe phrase it another way here, maybe something about boredom creeping up on her until she just had to do something or some sort of description on how she just needed to act to take her mind off of things.

I passed by the flower gardens that Ma loved and took pride in, and noticed that the delicate puff-ball like flowers were wilting.

Instead if 'and noticed' I'd maybe say 'noticing'.

I saw a stick and picked it up.

I think you could say something better than 'saw' here like 'spotted'.

I began poking the ground with the stick, then drawing pictures, which, to my great pleasure,

I'm not sure if I would say 'great pleasure' here as there is still a lot of drama going on and I wouldn't really think she would be able to take a lot of pleasure out of something with that in the background. Maybe something a bit less, like 'amusement' would work instead.

it was so unlike the paper that Pa had gotten me last Christmas with the money that he’d worked so hard to save, and the quill and ink, too, that I found myself liking it more.

I'd move the quill and ink part to where the paper so you are not adding it on afterwards, for instance 'It was so unlike the paper, quill and ink Pa had gotten me last Christmas'.

but with the dirt, it was easy to erase.

You have just said 'erased' so maybe replace this one with 'rub out' or 'correct' or something similar.

In a little while, we both grew hungry and, unsure as to whether we should or not, went inside, grabbed some of the bread that Ma had made earlier and went back out to eat it. When we were in the kitchen, however, we saw Ma still bending over the unconscious figure on the bed, muttering to herself.

I think this might work better if you showed them entering the kitchen and seeing the mother instead of mentioning the mother afterwards. I'd maybe say something like 'crept inside' instead of 'went' here too and maybe change the second one as well to something like 'retreated'. At this point you could describe how they move and react to their mother at work instead of skimming over it.

Ma came over rand leaned heavily again the door frame. She sighed tiredly and said quietly,

'rand' should be 'and'. I don't think you need to have 'and said quietly' as its already clear who is talking, I'd maybe change 'tiredly' to something like 'wearily' here too.

Overall: I've done loads of nitpicks again sorry! I really wanted to be thorough though, I love your story I really think you have managed the little girls perspective well!

I think perhaps you could have more on her thoughts on what is happening, you have done well in showing how she would become bored and distracted easily but I still think there would be more worry and uncertainty too. How she feels on what is going on could be interesting here When she runs back to the house something on how fast she is going and the effect this has on her body might be good, I'd also add in more as to what the mother does whilst talking to her. Generally parents when talking to children take care to look them seriously in the eye and speak calmly and slowly so that the child is not scared and understands the seriousness of the situation. I'd maybe have something like that or showing how she nods encouragingly at her when asking her to fetch the herbs- that sort of thing

Quite a few times I think you used 'walked' and 'went' and 'some' and 'looked' sort of words where I think you could have been more specific to add description. There are loads of possible replacement words which would really show the reader what you mean.

I love how the story is going, really great! Sorry about the length of this review and if you disagree with any of the comments ignore them *star*

Your doing a great job! You had me hooked after the first chapter!
Although, you do use a lot of commas sometimes.
Well I'm new to reviewing but I think that you did good on this!

Heya! Me again. Also, once again, I'm too late to nit-pick. They've all been caught! So let's see what else I can do...

Characters: You show the MC's character very well here. You're doing a good job on protraying how easily bored she gets. Also how she manages to find something to do, like get the chair or erase the pictures in the dirt. Just like a child! Good job!

Description: You have plenty of description here. I could see everything clearly!

Plot: I like the story so far. You're raising my curiousity the more I read this. What's goign to happen to Malc, although I have the feeling he is going to get better, what happened to him, etc. You're doing a wonderful job so far. Good job!

Please PM when the next part is up! I must read more.

Happy Writing!

Meadow