For All the Murdered in the Cold Ground

Musical Girl wrote:Suffocating,
drowning,
unable to move.

I'm dead;
I should be numb.
I'm wasting away in a make-shift coffin
[s]aren't these supposed to be bug proof?[/s] This verse is rather uninteresting.

[s]well,[/s] Mine isn't, CAUSE
I cant move;
I'm dead, This verse is repeating and it doesn't do any good to a poem.
but I can feel[s]...and see....[/s]
viewarticlebody.php?t=39518 This article is all you need here. Be sure to read it.
I still have these last few senses.

They start off nice,
not biting me too hard,
staying near the toes-
good thing I'm never going to walk again.
You've got a problem with syllables here. This verse is just too opposite from others in the stanza.
They work their ways up,
eating my skin.
I see myself going, though their disgusting mouths
can just imagine it flowing down their throats.
I hope they die.

my fingers, toes,
all that are left are,
bones;
now it's on to my hair and clothes.

hours later,
those are gone
and I'm still here;
they work down through my lungs.

my lungs are rotted Two lungs--->not good.
their debris fills me
now my intestines and liver are gone
all that's left are bones

Away with my baby blues and lashes
away with my mind
away with my memories
away with brain cells
away into their bulging stomachs.

no way to defend myself
no way to scream
because in the murder I have been in
no one will be able to see
for the bugs...

have eaten me.

darko.demark666 wrote:

Musical Girl wrote:Suffocating,
drowning,
unable to move.

I'm dead;
I should be numb.
I'm wasting away in a make-shift coffin
[s]aren't these supposed to be bug proof?[/s] This verse is rather uninteresting.

[s]well,[/s] Mine isn't, CAUSE
I cant move;
I'm dead, This verse is repeating and it doesn't do any good to a poem.
but I can feel[s]...and see....[/s]
viewarticlebody.php?t=39518 This article is all you need here. Be sure to read it.
I still have these last few senses.

They start off nice,
not biting me too hard,
staying near the toes-
good thing I'm never going to walk again.
You've got a problem with syllables here. This verse is just too opposite from others in the stanza.
They work their ways up,
eating my skin.
I see myself going, though their disgusting mouths
can just imagine it flowing down their throats.
I hope they die.

my fingers, toes,
all that are left are,
bones;
now it's on to my hair and clothes.

hours later,
those are gone
and I'm still here;
they work down through my lungs.

my lungs are rotted Two lungs--->not good.
their debris fills me
now my intestines and liver are gone
all that's left are bones

Away with my baby blues and lashes
away with my mind
away with my memories
away with brain cells
away into their bulging stomachs.

no way to defend myself
no way to scream
because in the murder I have been in
no one will be able to see
for the bugs...

have eaten me.

When ever you write a poem, make sure that your caps are right. Punctuation too. Most of us think that's not important, but it is.
I like the words you used in here, but they're all "just for themselves" and they don't fit with other stuff in your poem. Another major problem in here are repetitions-they don't sound too good.
I also disliked your ending-it's nothing special. Although I didn't liked the poem, I'm sure you're see what's wrong when you read that article ( viewarticlebody.php?t=39518 )

2/10

I'm dead.
I should be numb
I'm wasting away in a make-shift coffin
aren't these supposed to be bug proof?