*untitled moments*

When i'd scream you would just run away
when i'd cry out you never stayed by my side
were you there for me
like i thought
or were you just my

tourniquet?

instead of blood
hopes
instead of outter pressures,
you crushed me
destroyed my heart
on the inside

why?
i scream over and over again
why?
why oh why oh why?

why did you rip up my roots?
why did you burn my sanctuary
to ashes?
why did you drop me from
your ever strong arms?
why did your always watchful eyes
leave me?

you left me to fall
your loving gaze slipped away
with my hopes
dreams
and balance

now i fall.

Please be mindful that "Lyric Poetry" does not necessarily mean Lyrics. Meaning, this is not the place for songs. "Lyric poetry expresses the wishes, the hopes, the joys, and the sorrows of the author." Therefore, if you have any Lyrics, please feel free to post them in the Lyric section located here: forum/viewforum.php?f=41



Thank You.

For me looks like more like lyrics to a song than lyrical poetry. I'm not sure whether that was intentional or not. But since you posted it in this section I'll review it from a lyric poetry point of view.

When i'd scream you would just run away
when i'd cry out you never stayed by my side
were you there for me
like i thought
or were you just my

First of please capitilize all your 'i's where they should be.


Secondly:

Poetry tends to be a little lenient when it comes to punctuation, but I've learned that punctuation helps many times. You first stanza looks very barren without commas. And I also see a place where a question mark would do good.

why?
i scream over and over again
why?
why oh why oh why?

I'll be brutally honest here, I don't like this part too much. It seems very cliche. The repetition of the 'why' seems as if you weren't able to DESCRIBE the anguish. They leave me dangling, wanting some sort of explanation. Now, don't get me wrong, poetry does not need to make 100% sense, but it is more enjoyable when the reader can understand and FEEL the EMOTIONS.

Quite frankly, right now your poem is slightly cliche. It has not much ORIGINALITY. But, I do see potential. I like some of the words you have chosen. However, we need more originality. Make it very different and unique from all the other cliche poems out there based on broken hearts. Make us truly feel the emotions, so much so that the poem GRASPS us and words relate a whole world, a whole reality to us.

Hope I was of some help.

By the way, I have capitalized those words above on purpose. I want you to think about each word and its concept, what it stands for, and how it can help your poem.

I also recommend that you read some good poetry. That always helps me.

Keep writing!
-Zehra

ok, thank you. i've never pictured them as lyrics, i just pictured me writing my sorrows of the 3 minutes i wrote this in that format. and since it did say sorrows, i put it under this.
umm. i dont capitalize my "i"s for certain reasons.
yes, i was rushing through, (i havent been able to write on real paper for days, so this computer thing is new for me) so i forgot the commas. normally i'll be able to edit it.
like i said, i wrote it in 3 minutes (at most) so i know it was cliche adn thats not what people want here.
like i said, i work better on paper. *shrug*

thank you very much. i will try and remember to do all of that <minus the capitalizing the "i"s, no offense> when i write my next poem