The Kings Opal part one of chapter one

The Kings Opal

Chapter One

I was roughly thrown to the floor; the blindfold ripped off. I blinked in the dazzling light, my head stinging from the axe wound. Blood dripped down my face, my neck, my chest. A soldier pulled my head back with a fistful of hair. I was forced to look upon her.
Oh, she was beautiful! Dangerously beautiful. Robed in numerous silks of every shade of purple, she was not underdressed. Her long hair, curls of spun gold, flowed to the stone floor. Her skin was pale, the delicate pink shade a noble lady’s should be. I might have noticed this, had I not seen the malice in her eyes.
“Three years,” she said, stepping down from the throne, “since I last saw you, Tahno.”
My breathing was ragged.
“Three years that you have been resisting me. Why Tahno, when all I wish is for your good?”
I was silent, fighting desperately against her enchantment. She had a sickeningly sweet voice.
She stepped gracefully nearer, one feminine hand reached out to touch my wound. “How this must hurt you,” she said pushing her fingers slightly deeper into the wound.
I did not flinch.
“I can make them stop hunting you,” she whispered, the promise like a cool drink of water. Poisoned water. “With one word, you will be worshiped.”
She dragged her fingers down the side of my face and to my neck.
“What a pity,” she murmured, “that you had to be hurt this way. I did not wish it…” Her voice trailed of in mock sorrow.
“I’ll not serve you Anor,” I said, “do not ask.”
“Tahno, you are the last human alive who stands against me. How lonely that must feel,” a hint of frustration and contempt tinted her voice. “You will never succeed. Surrender to me!”
“Never.”
Anor pulled me close ‘till her face was only inches from mine. I stared into her glittering black eyes.
“I know of the ring Tahno. Bring it to me and I shall spare you. You will sit by my side and rule with me.”
“You have no right to sit in that throne.”
“Bring me the ring!”
“I’ll die before I give it to you!”
Anor released my neck and reclined in the throne again.
“You’re wrong Tahno. There are some fates much worse than death. Take him to the dungeon.”
One of the soldiers struck me on the head.
I passed out.
*

Hello, I'm here to [s]ruthlessly rip apart[/s] review your story!!!

The Kings Opal

I'm assuming that "Kings" is showing possession and not multiple kings here... In which case it should be "King's". I'm just assuming here

I was roughly thrown to the floor; the blindfold ripped off.

The semicolon is misused here. Semicolons are used in place of a comma and bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet) and in this case you are simply using it in place of a comma. Commas are your friends. Use them.

I might have noticed this, had I not seen the malice in her eyes.

But he did notice this... He just described it all to us...

Why Tahno, when all I wish is for your good?”

There should be a comma after "Why" as well because she is addressing Tahno outside of the direct sentence.

one feminine hand reached out to touch my wound.

I would assume that the hand of a woman is feminine I would use something like "fair" or "slender" in this particular sentence.

she said pushing her fingers slightly deeper into the wound.

There should be a comma between "said" and "pushing".

Anor pulled me close ‘till her face was only inches from mine.

I don't think you should use "'till" outside of dialogue. It really isn't necessary and it kind of pulls you out more than "until" would.

I passed out.

...I don't know why, but I have this strange feeling that this might happen a lot


Okay, this is well written and rather interesting and I hope you decide to continue it. I'm just silently praying that the ring isn't anything like Lord of the Rings... But I have faith in you I like how this tells you quite a bit simply through dialogue, just be wary of the trap of info-dumping in dialogue. I didn't really see anything too bad in here, just be careful Yay for foreshadowing!

-Lydia <3

Heya there! Lydia covered most of the grammer and all that. So since she's done all that, I'm going to cover some other stuff! Exciting, eh?

I blinked in the dazzling light, my head stinging from the axe wound.

Whoa! Axe wound? How did he get hit in the head by an axe and live to tell the tale? Or was it just a slight skim of the axe blade? Maybe the stinging wound reminded the MC of how he had recieved it?

I was forced to look upon her.

Well, before he looked at her, what did the room he was in look like? Was there large windows to the left, was the floor made of marble? Was her chair on a step like thing? What?

Blood dripped down my face, my neck, my chest.

Okay, the blood dripped. But describe how it felt. The thick liquid running down his cheeks and neck. Dripping off his chin.

“Three years,” she said, stepping down from the throne, “since I last saw you, Tahno.”

The comma after throne could be changed to a period. Capitilizing since would add to this ^_^ You do this often throughout this piece.

“Tahno, you are the last human alive who stands against me. How lonely that must feel,” a hint of frustration and contempt tinted her voice.

The comma after feel should be a period. Capitilize a because it is the beginning of another sentence.

Anor pulled me close ‘till her face was only inches from mine. I stared into her glittering black eyes.

Some more description to this paragraph. Did Anor smell of something? Like strawberries? Did she have anything in her teeth or did her breath smell? Bad examples I know. What did her glitterin black eyes remind the MC of?

Description: Ookaay. You could defiantly use a lot more in this piece. It's really dialogue driven. Add more action into this. More description. Your story will defiantly improve. I hope that didn't sound wrong.

Characters: The MC doesn't seem to have much thought on what's going on. Show us more emotion from him. Along with Anor.

Overall: This is very interesting and I'm already hooked. You've left us off at an interesting spot. The plot seems rather interesting, especially the information you've given us through the conversation that was held. Just add more actions to the characters and description.

Hope I helped! PM please when you post more up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

OKay, I liked this story so I'd figure i'd try dissecting it for ya. Those two before me pretty much chewed all the meat off this bone but i'll give it a try to see if i can find more ways to help. =)

Blood dripped down my face, my neck, my chest.

I agree with medow lark here. You can make this sentence better with a little more description. Also, YOu can make this sentence more personal by using"I felt" or something like that.

Oh, she was beautiful! Dangerously beautiful.

okay, here is a case where it all comes down to revison. A good rule in writing and perhaps one of the most important is this: Omit needless words. Short and to the point. You'll probably be better off taking this part out.

Robed in numerous silks of every shade of purple, she was not underdressed.

considering you just said she's robed in numerous silks, I'm pretty sure we can infer that she's dressed. This would be a perfect chance to use some kind of description. "Robed in numerous silks of every shade of purple, she was a Godess among men." something like that.

Her long hair, curls of spun gold, flowed to the stone floor. Her skin was pale, the delicate pink shade a noble lady’s should be.

Okay in the second sentence, your second part that goes "the delicate pink shade a noble lady's should be." That part kind of puts me off. Maybe you should re-word it as "the delicate pink shade of a noble lady" that sounds better. But there is some good imagery here.

I might have noticed this, had I not seen the malice in her eyes.

other than the fact that your MC sort of contradicts himself with this sentence you also should consider using words like had carefully and more sparingly. They tend to make your sentences passive which is a big no-no. But i can see where you're going with this sentence maybe if you rephrased it like "If not for the malice in her eyes, I would have been impressed." something like that.

“Three years,” she said, stepping down from the throne, “since I last saw you, Tahno.”
My breathing was ragged.

this i like. I can see you're adding suspense here by sort of pausing the scene with descripition. But you can also take this moment to describe little bits of the room. Or better yet address the guards in the room. they should be cocky right now. In the presence of the Queen. I dono show some of their personality.And the queen's personality. She should be playing the game that all villians do when they just caught the hero. I mean THIS is HER Moment! I mean you should be LOVING this moment, my friend. This is when YOU the writer get to SHOW your reader something about the character. That's the best description there is. You never want to have to tell your reader that Your character is beautyful and that she's devious. That's when you know you've got to go back and fix something. =)

I was silent, fighting desperately against her enchantment. She had a sickeningly sweet voice.

okay, lets talk about this. Adverbs. They are i have to say simply(arghh even that adverb kills me) the most addictive tools to use in writing. Adverbs are NOT like commas. they aren't your friend. Sure tons of writers use them. But i'm telling you your description can be SO much better with out them. Adverbs are like dandelions. They appear in your lawn and they're cool, unique. But before you know it they're start appearing more and more often. And If you don't recognize them for the weeds they are before it's too late They'll take over your Yard!

She stepped gracefully nearer, one feminine hand reached out to touch my wound. “How this must hurt you,” she said pushing her fingers slightly deeper into the wound.

See adverbs you have two of them in here. I'm telling you you don't need them. =) I believe you can fight this addiction.

“I can make them stop hunting you,” she whispered, the promise like a cool drink of water. Poisoned water. “With one word, you will be worshiped.”

Oh my God! NOW ThIS is what i'm talking about. I love the simile you used in this description!!!!! And nice touch with the poisoned water thing. I'm telling you you've got some good writing you just need to revise this puppy more.

“What a pity,” she murmured, “that you had to be hurt this way. I did not wish it…” Her voice trailed of in mock sorrow.

okay i'mk pretty sure you meant to put "off" instead of "of" but i'm also gonna talk about something else here. You're good with dialoge. Not many people can say that in fact there are many famous writers out there who suck at dialogue and know it. Dialogue is much like an instrumentalist and their ability to hear pitch. You have to have a good ear for it. LIke meadowlark pointed out your script is driven by dialogue. Which isn't too bad in a sense but also you want a good mediation. Description and Dialogue should be kept about even. When you describe you don't want to get all happy and leave your reader to suffocate in your literacy. And also you're readers want action so your characters can't talk all the time.

Anor pulled me close ‘till her face was only inches from mine. I stared into her glittering black eyes.

Here's a technique I learned. Whenever you write an intense scene a good technique is to use fragment sentences. Now, i know a lot of English teachers or strict grammar people will kick me in the nuts for saying that but it's true. Short sentences, fragments, clauses or otherwise can make a huge difference in an intense scene. It can speed the pace, add suspense, and really have your reader absorbed into the event. I'm not saying fill a whole paragraph with nothing but fragments(although i have seen that done in some books) all I'm saying is that it's okay to break the rules. As long as you break them on purpose and with a purpose. So in this sentence you can shorten the sentences. "Anor pulled me close. Her face inches of mine. I smelled a hint of her sweet scented perfume as I looked into her glittering black eyes..."

Well that's all. All of the things i pointed out really weren't mistakes. It could've all been fixed in a second draft of this. Which is something you should consider. When you write a scene you should always write two drafts. The first draft(and the more fun one to write in my opinon) is the one you write for yourself. Preferably with the door closed in a room kept to yourself. The second draft is the public draft, the one you'll be taking to eiditors to get critiqued. This one is where you omit needles words, sharpen scenes, clarify passage and well..all that other good stuff. All of this stuff that the other authors and I pointed out could be solved before hand if you read through the your manuscript, revise, and write a second draft. It all helps in the end. =) So i hope i've given you some good tips that you'll atleast consider following.

Hello! I'm JC and I'm going to be your reviewer today.

I was roughly thrown to the floor; the blindfold ripped off. I blinked in the dazzling light, my head stinging from the axe wound. Blood dripped down my face, my neck, my chest. A soldier pulled my head back with a fistful of hair. I was forced to look upon her.
Oh, she was beautiful! Dangerously beautiful. Robed in numerous silks of every shade of purple, she was not underdressed. Her long hair, curls of spun gold, flowed to the stone floor. Her skin was pale, the delicate pink shade a noble lady’s should be. I might have noticed this, had I not seen the malice in her eyes.

Darling, darling, darling....you are using the sacred first person. Please use it. This means feeling. I don't mean to reiterate but I want to feel the MC's pain. I want to feel the slash of the blindfold hitting his face as it was ripped off. I want to feel the cold scarlet blood creeping down his body like a stalker. I want to feel the roots of his hair being pulled back. I want to feel his anger at the beautiful women standing nobly in front of him. (This reminds me, it took me ages to find out the gender of your MC. I don't know why but it did. Anyways, if the woman is beautiful, make your male MC act like she's beautiful. Torn feelings perhaps of love and anger? haha I'm just making things up )

I like the desciption of the antagonist (the woman, Anor, same thing). Frankly, I misread "she was not underdressed" as "she was undressed." or "she was undressing." I was very confused. xD

She stepped gracefully nearer, one feminine hand reached out to touch my wound. "How this must hurt you," she said pushing her fingers slightly deeper into the wound.
I did not flinch.
"I can make them stop hunting you," she whispered, the promise like a cool drink of water. Poisoned water. "With one word, you will be worshiped."
She dragged her fingers down the side of my face and to my neck.

Are you a Narnia fan? This is like the White Witch's twin. Especially in Prince Caspian, where she's representing the Devil. To me, Anor = Devil. Is that what you are trying to accomplish? You emphasize Anor's beauty as if she's trying to tempt Tahno into doing what she says.
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Dialogue: I didn't like the dialogue very much of the MC. The queen was very good indeed but poor Tahno came out as some invincible hero. MC's have weaknesses. He can't just go around not flinching and standing up to the enemy the whole time. Lines like "Never!" and "I'll die before blah blah blah" are very cliche. Try to mix it up a bit.

Atmosphere: There is no setting in this story almost. Where are they? Give me details about the room they are in. Is it just Tahno and Anor? Soldiers? How many?

POV: I already said this but you are in first person. Take advantage of that. Remember, the MC can't say "I passed out." or "One of the soldiers hit me on the head." What would be better is "My head suddenly throbbed in pain as a wretched scream lept out of my bloody throat. Anor's beautiful body disentagrated (sp I know) into a blur and then disappeared into sullen darkness."

Overall: Lovely job, dear. I love the darkness and violence

JC