Oh my god

since you all wanted me to change it, then I have:


I touch his soft red rosy lips,
Trace the pattern with my finger tips,
He grins at me and strokes my cheek,
All handsome kind and completely sleek,

His eyes are a pool of crystal blue,
But then he begins to eye me too,
My heart is thudding in my chest,
His eyes looking south, east, and west,

I feel all sticky, sweaty and mad,
Cause I can't stand the fact that he's a lad,
My heart stops working as he kisses me sweetly,
Then carries on as he lets me go neatly.


I am very proud of this poem! tell me what you think of it!

Edit: Changed it as you see. I am from up north in britain, so I don't know if you say lad for a boy anywhere else but that is what we say, and plus, I am a kid who has written it, so before you say it seems childish, consider the facts. But other than that! I hope you like it!

iCarlyfan wrote:I touch his soft red rosy lips,
Trace the pattern with my finger tips,
He grins at me and stokes my cheek,
All handsome kind and totally sleek,

His eyes are a pool of crystal blue,
Mine could be but aren't as too,
My heart is thudding in my chest,
His eyes looking south-east-west,

I feel all sticky, sweaty and bad,
Cause it seems a tad awkward, only a tad,
My heart stops working as he kisses me sweetly,
Then carries on as he lets me go neatly.


I am very proud of this poem! tell me what you think of it!

Your rhyme sounds forced and those commas make me so I suggest that you replace them with periods.
One more thing--->who is he?
5/10

darko.demark666 wrote:

iCarlyfan wrote:I touch his soft red rosy lips,
Trace the pattern with my finger tips,
He grins at me and stokes my cheek,
All handsome kind and totally sleek,

His eyes are a pool of crystal blue,
Mine could be but aren't as too,
My heart is thudding in my chest,
His eyes looking south-east-west,

I feel all sticky, sweaty and bad,
Cause it seems a tad awkward, only a tad,
My heart stops working as he kisses me sweetly,
Then carries on as he lets me go neatly.


I am very proud of this poem! tell me what you think of it!

Your rhyme sounds forced and those commas make me so I suggest that you replace them with periods.
One more thing--->who is he?
5/10

'he' is a mystery, I'll try improve it then.

iCarlyfan wrote:
'he' is a mystery, I'll try improve it then.

Thought so.

iCarlyfan wrote:
'he' is a mystery, ...

Thought so.

Darko......that's a little harsh...don't you think? I thought it was pretty good....if your just starting.. Ignore him....I think he's just grumpy. >> *Darko*

Yeah, all my reviewes are kinda harsh, but that's just me. There are many others who don't agree with me and that's fine.

The rhyme really felt forced, and you sacrificed coherency for rhyme scheme. Not good. And, where are the periods? You used commas for periods which is not good at all. You do not need to end each line of the poem with a comma. If you break a line in the middle of a sentence and in a place where normally there would be no comma, do not add a comma. Please. Punctuation gets abused enough as is.

He grins at me and stokes my cheek,

I believe you meant "stroke"

Mine could be but aren't as too,

What? o_O As I mentioned before, you toss out coherency for the sake of rhyme scheme. Being able to understand the poem is important.

Also, I think this poem belongs under Dramatic rather than Narrative. There's not much going on story-wise.

I touch his soft red rosy lips, Good alliteration, catches my attention!

Trace the pattern with my finger tips,

He grins at me and stokes my cheek,

All handsome kind and totally sleek, "totally" makes this sound childish, possible rewording?



His eyes are a pool of crystal blue,

Mine could be but aren't as too, Er...sense in this? Your eyes could be blue, I'm lost

My heart is thudding in my chest,

His eyes looking south, east, west, "and west" would not only make more sense but would also even out these two lines perfectly



I feel all sticky, sweaty and bad, Poem was good up until this line

Cause it seems a tad awkward, only a tad,

My heart stops working as he kisses me sweetly,

Then carries on as he lets me go neatly.

This poem was good at first and then turned a little too immature further on. The rhyme's did seem a little forced, but that is understandable because I know how hard it is to do this when you really want to! Going along with my above suggestions I also think you should get rid of some of those commas and completely reword the last stanza.

[spoiler]6/10[/spoiler]

I like the reworked version.. and good for you, changing the wording around to make the poem stronger. I get so sick of people who put their things up for critique but don't change a thing, because they argue that its "supposed to be that way." Ughh
The rythm is really even and nicely paced; i dont like all the words but its really vivid, all in all.
i give it an eight out of ten, and im full of viruses and infectious disease.
so you probably deserve more.

I really liked it!! I especially like the first stanza. I like the description. Not exactly your word choice, but it was still really nice!! Also the ending kind of threw me off, but overall it was a job well done!

this isn't bad. it seems like a lot of the rhymes are forced, but the overall impression is okay. the poem needs more descriptive words to keep the reader's attention. also, this might have been better if you didn't constantly make yourself change the idea to rhyme. however, i understand the temptation to rhyme for the sake of recitation!

overall, it wasn't bad, but you can do better!