I'll probably end up deleting this since I'm uneasy about posting it.
Okay. Big. Big. Big. BIG note. This isn't love. This isn't a spilling out truthful feelings like most of my writings because over the past few months, I've been through a lot. (Most of it is the reason I haven't been on YWS or writing for that matter.)
Have you ever seen a movie and there is sex scenes? This short, 4 paged story deals a lot with sexual content. I don't want to offend any one but it's writing. Writing doesn't have to be pleasing to everyone's ears. I really just want to get this off my chest. About 75% of this is from my own, first hand experience and thoughts so please at least respect that before bashing me down. Some of you, like Kat! know that I'm a good, loving and caring person and that we each have our downfalls so don't bash down on me from writing something that might offend you. There is a lesson at the end of this, by the way. Once again, this is almost like a vent before I'm taken away from my computer again...
To be quite honest, I never thought a day in my life I would keep a diary. Then again, to be quite honest, I never thought a day in my life I would be in an all-girls boarding school…
It happened a year ago and I miss it more than anything. His name was Ashton and he was mine for at least every night I desired him. At the time, I was heavy into smoking marijuana and I swear on my grave, I would give anything to have my beautiful bowl at my fingertips again. I had my red hair down at my waist and it was straightened to perfection or curled to beauty everyday. I miss that, too (Boarding schools do have regulations, sadly). I wore the sexiest but most expensive clothes I was able to buy, I was never a tease though. I always flirted because I honestly did like having a boy go insane over me.
Most girls who didn’t know me would read the above paragraph, call me a ‘whore’, ‘slut’, ‘too wild’ or my personal favorite, a girl going down the wrong path. In my own world, everyone has a different path, though. I honestly think there’s one path for everyone because at the end of every mistake, there’s always that hope to keep going down the path. I lost that hope long ago.
Back to my point, diary. I was a girl who was building my path in high school, though. I was in ninth grade, I was beautiful, I was fifteen, I had amazing friends and I had pot at my hands any time I felt the need, too. That’s what having a dealing sister does to you. I also had the upper classmen potheads and lacrosse players to depend on, and that, diary, is what having a senior brother does to you.
So, Ashton. He was in the grade above me; he was sixteen. He was amazingly hot in my opinion and I bet he still is. He was tall, lanky in an attractive way (he would look so bad all built up. You know how some skinny boys have really nice, decent sized muscles? Meet Ashton!) He had six pack abbs, boy! He had pretty blue eyes and dark, dark hair. Man, did he ever look like the Italian he was.
A lot of girls thought Ashton was gorgeous, but not in a football player way. A way where you’re like ‘he’s a man whore’ type person. Especially considering the fact that everyone, even the teachers, knew that Ashton was involved with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and doing everything else good kids wouldn’t dream of doing. I’m sorry to say that I was on that same page. Welcome to my life(:
Ashton was also a jokester, too. He did make some teachers laugh, some scream and some suspend him. Being the Italian he is and the full bread Italian I am, we both had Italian class together. That’s where I really got to know him. I was already friends with most of his but I never got close to him, I was almost intimidated to. Then I did, and that’s where this takes off.
First, it was doing Italian homework together. Then it was smoking pot together. Then it was ‘You’re my really good friend’, and as much as I didn’t believe it, I liked the way it came from his lips. He was so unbelievably hot to me I couldn’t control myself and on that Monday afternoon, I pounced on him. He was a bit taken back but knowing Ashton, he was all down for it. That night, we just made out.
The next weekend, the second day of winter break, my parents were out of town and my sister threw a party. With Ashton living a few houses away, he walked over and we were in my basement on the ratty old bed. He was teasing me about my cat getting all my attention. I placed the cat on the floor (well, I actually threw him in a loving way… if that’s possible) and the next thing I knew, Ashton’s tongue was down my throat. It felt so good. One of the best feelings in the world is to know that the guy that looks so tough, so in control is moaning beneath you.
He was so experienced and the next thing I knew I was giving him a hand job. To hear ‘I’m so ready to fuck’ escape his lips made my whole body shiver. Was I ready for that? No. So I stayed quiet and that’s when we heard people coming and we stopped. An hour later when watching a movie away from everyone else, he asked to continue our “rendezvous” from earlier and once again, he was moaning telling me ‘He liked when I played with him’. To most people, that sounds ‘dirty’ or ‘wrong’ but to me, I was so into it.
A week later, I was at his house and he asked to see my boobs. I was still self conscious so I refused and he said it was perfectly fine. We watched TV until my mom called telling me it was time to go home. After that, we didn’t talk for a while since school was out. The first week back I didn’t see him either since we had mid-terms. I felt like he didn’t want to talk to me since he wasn’t texting me either.
Then one day I decided to text him and things were back to ‘normal’. You could think he was using me, but in a way yes he was. Then again, in a way so was I and he was fine with it. So, I was too, diary.
A few more times of us fooling around, it lead to me giving him head. I’m not going to lie to you - it was fun! Haha. I know, I know. “You’re a whore!” But I think you have to try something before you judge it. Really, you really, really do. And just to get this off my chest, Ashton did finger me and it felt amazing as well.
Pretty soon, you all know what this lead to:
“If… if you get bored [of head] then can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“Do you want to fuck?”
NOW! Most people would stop and think: of course not! I’m fifteen, I want to lose my virginity to someone I love. No. I liked fooling around with Ashton and I wanted more of him. I didn’t believe in love anymore, it happened to me once and it doesn’t last. Nothing can last forever. So, I said this:
“Sure!” And it happened. Ashton took my virginity for an hour straight and I loved every moment of it. Oh, I loved having sex with Ashton. It was any time I wanted it, I had it. The way he moaned in my ear like he was weak only made me feel more in charge. The way we wrestled with each other and the seductive kisses on my neck as I closed the door of his bedroom and locked it from behind me, the way I liked how we were friends in the process. None of that awkward ‘I love you’ bullshit. No. I liked being in a friendship with a lot of benefits.
Then, one day after Ashton and I did it, I went home and my parents looked at me weird. A week later, they found out and I thought I might have died right then and there. They pulled me out of school after a freaking drug test as well, finding out about my marijuana habits, and placed me in this year round, all-girls boarding school. I was to be here until they felt I was ready to go home.
At this stupid place, they asked me to take off all of my piercings (ears, nose, belly button and both hips). They couldn’t really do anything about my tattoo on my hip that extended to my pelvic bone but who could really do anything about it, it’s not like anyone here was seeing it. They took everything that might be ‘sexually-related’ in my life out and left me with the same, boring uniform, short red hair and no makeup. After being so frustrated these past few months, I’ve written my first and only diary entry. This is my last because I’m going home tomorrow. There, I get my makeup, music, clothes and hopefully my piercings back! I’m so excited! I played the whole ‘lesson learned’ card because the moral of this whole post is to explain this: I was sent here to change, and deep down I didn’t want to.
To me, those words are strong because when I go home I will smoke marijuana again. I will listen to Lil’ Wayne religiously, I will see Ashton again (who had mailed me some letters actually while I was here) and I will be the highlight of my own life again. I miss myself and to let people know, not everyone changes. It’s not always about being good to have fun. I am a smart girl who can play stupid. I get great grades, I have my life planed out and I have had it planed out since the seventh grade. I dedicate everything to completing it and I save up money for it (I’m at three grand in the bank right now). High school for me right now is just a bypass until I graduate. All I’m waiting for is to go home, smoke a bowl with my sister, chill in the fields with my friends and cry on their shoulder on how much I’ve missed them, and at last get Ashton to myself at night. I’m sorry I can’t change, but to me, this is my life and I enjoy it. I refuse to give it up and quite frankly, I love it. Goodbye, I’m going to bed early because I’m excited for tomorrow to come.
...
(Haters make you famous, as the saying goes)