My Fair Maiden

I know about my rhyme scheme, don't pick on it. (It's meant to be)
~~~~~~~~~


By this Hallow I compare thee,
What life hath lived with immortality?
The soul grows ever so fervently,
In the deep of one's own mysticism -- Decant thee!

Ruby swans can't fly high,
Through meadows or valleys that crystallize.
For the ruby and crystal do not mix,
This is the danger that thou should equip.

Liquid turns to rock formations,
The trees up-root and fly away.
This is just a circle of madness,
Do the solidified fish even get rest?

Departing, departure, departed,
The life of this wicked land.
You only have a morsel's regret:
You now must deal with life itself.

For it was only but a dream,
One you never wanted to wake from.
Pack your bags and put on your suit,
This is reality, now move, move, move!

Hey Jon! June here!

So, Official YWS Challenge Maker, eh? Just for having that as your custom title, I present to you a challenge: Get your 5th review star before May.

Anyway!

Your rhyme scheme is-- (just kidding )

So!

By this Hallow I compare thee,

I know I sound ignorant asking this, but, what is the definition of the Hallow you are using here? From my understanding, I have always thought it to be "to make holy," right? I'm just a bit curious, because it's capitalized here, dear.

(Just so you know, in your third line, you have a double space between so and fervently; you need one, dear )

Decant makes me curious as well, dear. I'm assuming you're meaning like, to remove, right? My understanding of the word decant is related to decanter (a glass bottle, you know) and decant is like to "pour out from"; however, I'm sure that this has some other meaning, right?
But! Reading further when you speak of liquids, I'm on track, sort of?


Anywhoooo!

Again, pardon my ignorance, dear, but! What do you mean by ruby swans? I am assuming that throughout this, you're using metaphors and such, but it's a little hard for me to understand.



Like, the only thing that like... disappointed me about this was how you used "thou" at the beginning, and switched to using "you" in the later stanzas.

I like the repetition you used here, too. The departing, departure, departed and move, move, move gives a unique twist to this, dear . Absolutely loved it.

Well done on the whole thing! Definitely enjoyable... but!

Jon, you will have to explain this poem to me xD. I'm probably totally misinterpreting this.


Juniper =D

I can't honestly say I understood this, but that doesn't stop me from liking this. I liked your use of archaic language (making the modern wording of the final stanza all the more interesting, I'm guessing you were using archaic language to give the rest of the stanza a dreamy atmosphere?), and there was some excellent imagery here. Particularly "The trees up-root and fly away."

Anyway, good poem, there was clearly a lot of thought put into this. Apparently I'm better than most at understanding old-fashioned literature (as in literature written in old English, or with tons of unnecessary latinate words, as was common in the early modern period), but then most people I know can't read modern literature, so it's not surprising that really I don't know what in God's name you're talking about.

This was really fun to read! I didn't quite get where you were going with it, but I really liked your use of words. Like springrain said, you were using metaphors and such right? What did you mean by ruby swans? I haven't read poetry in so long, but I'm glad I decided to read yours.
...I'd say more, but springrain and Face Engine said it all for me.
Great job!

~CBA