Majics

Eric looked out of his bed room window down at the wet streets of Manhattan below him. It had been raining for two days straight. Eric was going to kill himself. He knew it. He threw himself down on his bed and tossed his basketball into the air and caught it again. He looked around his room. The blue wall paper left by the people who used to live here was pealing, and his gray sheets were beginning to show their age. The mirror over his dresser was old and cracked in the bottom left hand corner.
Everyone said the apocalypse was the end of the world. Everyone was wrong, boredom was definitely the real end to it all. He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror. He was tall and had a sturdy build. He wasn't exactly muscular, or anything, but he was sturdy. He pushed back his brown hair and clamped his brown eyes shut. And opened them again. He could still here the rain outside his window.
Eric got up and walked down the hall into the kitchen were his aunt Mary was finally home. Her nursing uniform was still on and she was doing the dishes. Her brunette hair was starting to gray and her hazel eyes had seemed to lose their life only to leave behind a empty glass ball. He sighed and went back to his room.
It wasn't a long walk, but then again their apartment wasn't very big either. Eric remembered coming in here seven years ago after his mother had lost him to child services. Dad was hardly an option so they sent him here. He didn't like it, he didn't dislike it. It just was. His aunt was depressed. He knew it. Mary needed a doctor, she needed help. She needed things that he couldn't give her and she couldn't get for herself. Just thinking about it tore his heart to pieces. His aunt and him had never been extremely close but...Mary was all he had. Eric loved her for taking him in when she shouldn't have even considered it.
Eric looked out the window again and looked down to see some one go running by. He frowned and looked to see who it was but he couldn't tell.

Meanwhile, below the stranger looked around again to make sure she had lost her pursuers. Demi flipped up the hood of her black sweatshirt covering her dirty blond hair. Her sneakers were wet and the water was starting to seep through into her socks. Great! She didn't really have time to worry about uncomfortable socks. She kept her gray eyes down and walked quickly over the wet pavement. Her foot steps were light and swift. She glanced back over her shoulder and then seeing that no one was around she broke out into a run. her run was graceful something that looked like a cat. Her strides were long, and she almost pounced as she stepped off her foot. It was the closest she could get to flying...for now.
Her hood flew back revealing her face. She her skin was light and her cheeks were rosy from running against the cold. Having her hood down put her in danger but they wouldn't be able to catch her now. She had lost they long ago. She turned into an alley and jumped over a dumpster and ducked behind it. She looked around again, to make sure the rats and mice were the only ones who would see.
She turned to the puddle before her and said "Visona Laurent." The water trembled and then the face of her mentor came to view. He tall and his silver beard hung down in front of him. He wore his usual serious expression. His green eyes, how ever, were kind and gentle. He wore his rectangluar glasses on the tip of his nose and was reading a book when he looked up at Demi.
"Demitria," he said, "Have you located the other Majic?"
"No," she answered quickly, "There's no one who shows any signs."
"We don't have much time," Laurent sighed, "You must find the other before it's too late. Only then will you be able to complete your mission." His tone was serious and his face wrinkled in frustration,
"Yes Laurent." As much as she wanted to stay and ask how he was and if everything was okay she couldn't. Locating the other majic was all that mattered right now. She only had a few days left.
"Now, go before someone finds you." She needed no other sign than that. She was out of the alley and running before he could even ask her to be careful.

I like your basic idea, and how you let the reader guess what will happen, while still leaving room for suprise.
With that said, on to the critiqueing.
1) I think you should use comma's.

He didn't like it he didn't dislike it.

It shoud be "He didn't like it, he didn't dislike it." Remember the rules for comma's!

Hey, Broadway, I'll be your reviewer today.

Alright, so I thought this lacked a bit of detail...actually, I thought it lacked a LOT of detail. I read through the whole thing, but all I was hearing was a bunch of "he did this, she did that..." You should add a little bit more description. Depict things in an unusual way, give a little bit of an effort to show us your writing style. The individuality of a writer comes from the way that they see things, how they can compare things and WHAT they compare them to. Make it a little more memorable.

I thought the switch from Eric to Demi was a little out of the blue. After you've finished Eric's pov, you should ease us into Demi's story with something like: "Meanwhile, a stranger was darting through the alleyways a hundred feet below..." or something.

So, that's all I have to say for now. If you have more up and you want me to review it, just pm me, okay?

Ciao

It's okay but if that is just it then i am disappointed . If there is a continuation then there should be on the run like one get it and any way It is a perfect story if he or she (my memory is short) so try again with more things into it .








-------------------------------------------------
I am twig hear me roar and i like fish Yay
Feel the power of Emote ha ha ha

I actually thought that some of your descriptions were really interesting. Like when you were describing the room he was in. And the girl. The small details like the blue wallpaper and wet socks. But i do agree with the other comments. You should use variety with things like 'he said' and 'she said'.

Eric remembered coming in here seven years ago after his mother had lost his to child services.

Eric remembered coming in here seven years ago after his mother had lost him to child services.

Keep writing

Hello! I don't think I've ever met you before! *Shakes hand* I'm Rosey and I'll be reviewing this today. ^_^

Eric was going to kill himself. He knew it.

Why? He's that bored?

He through himself down on his bed and through his basketball into the air and caught it again.

~ "Through," when spelled like that, means going through something, like mud. What you're looking for here is "threw."

Look for that throughout the work.

~ Perhaps you could find some more adjectives then "threw"? It can get repetitive.

Everyone said the apocalypse was the end of the world. Everyone was wrong, boredom was definitely the real end to it all.

~ Semicolon or period instead of a comma.

~ Nice description to show how bored he is.

He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror. He was tall and had a sturdy build. He wasn't exactly muscular, or anything, but he was sturdy. He pushed back his brown hair and clamped his brown eyes shut. And opened them again. He could still here the rain outside his window.

The whole "mirror description" thing is a bit cliche and really only used in first person-- if that. Try to come up with something a bit less info-dumpy too. Like giving us all the information slowly, so we don't forget what he looks like later on.

Eric got up and walked down the hall into the kitchen were his aunt Mary was finally home.

"Aunt" should be capitalized, since it's a specific person. ^_^

Her brunette hair was starting to gray and her hazel eyes had seemed to lose their life only to leave behind a empty glass ball.

This description is, again, a bit tell-heavy. You don't really give a reason why she's so lifeless. Reasons are the key to making descriptions stick in a reader's mind.

He sighed and went back to his room.

So he doesn't ask her anything? She doesn't notice him? Why would Eric simply let her be like that?

Dad was hardly an option so they sent him here.

Why wasn't Dad an option?

Mary needed a doctor, she needed help.

Semicolon or period instead of a comma.

Eric loved her for taking him in when she shouldn't have even considered it.

Why should she have not considered it? Before this line, there are some hints that she's overworked and not well off, but they don't really form any clear reason when this line comes up.

He frowned and looked to see who it was but he couldn't tell.

Why couldn't he tell? Her hood was covering her face? She went by too fast? He didn't recognize her clothes?

Demi flipped up the hood of her black sweatshirt covering her dirty blond hair.

Comma after "sweatshirt."

Her sneakers were wet and the water was starting to seep through into her socks.

How is water seeping through?

Great! She didn't really have time to worry about uncomfortable socks.

If "great" is her thoughts, it should be in italics.

She glanced back over her shoulder and then seeing that no one was around she broke out into a run.

Comma after "then"; comma after "around." ^_^

her run was graceful something that looked like a cat. Her strides were long, and she almost pounced as she stepped off her foot. It was the closest she could get to flying...for now.

~ Capitalize "her."

~ You're telling us how her run looked without really getting into the MC's head. How does running feel to her? That would make this description less tell-ish.

~ I liked the foreshadowing in the last line. The "for now" hints that she's got some magic in her.

She had lost they long ago.

"They" should be "them."

She turned into an alley and jumped over a dumpster and ducked behind it.

You've got a list of actions here, broken up by "and"s. Usually, I like to see only one and in a sentence, and perhaps two actions. Re-work this a bit so we're not reading: she did this, and that, and that. Okay?

She turned to the puddle before her and said "Visona Laurent."

You never mention a puddle before...

He tall and his silver beard hung down in front of him. He wore his usual serious expression. His green eyes, how ever, were kind and gentle. He wore his rectangluar glasses on the tip of his nose and was reading a book when he looked up at Demi.

~Every sentence in here begins with "he," which isn't good. You want to keep things fresh by starting your sentences differently. ^_^

~ Something about glasses puts me off. I know this is a modern world fantasy and all, but where is her mentor? If he's in another world or dimension, I wouldn't expect him to be wearing glasses. If he's on Earth then him wearing glasses is okay.

"Demitria," he said, "Have you located the other Majic?"
"No," she answered quickly, "There's no one who shows any signs."
"We don't have much time," Laurent sighed, "You must find the other before it's too late. Only then will you be able to complete your mission." His tone was serious and his face wrinkled in frustration,
"Yes Laurent." As much as she wanted to stay and ask how he was and if everything was okay she couldn't. Locating the other majic was all that mattered right now. She only had a few days left.
"Now, go before someone finds you." She needed no other sign than that. She was out of the alley and running before he could even ask her to be careful.

~ Hmm, notice how every new paragraph here starts with dialogue? That can be a bit flat when it comes to describing characters. It can also be hard to read.

~ You're getting a bit comma-happy here. If you're going to capitalize the word after a tag, put a period.

~ The tag after "Yet Laurent" is a bit long and hard to follow. Break it up with some punctuation.

~~~

Punctuation: Some of your sentences are a bit hard to read because they're missing punctuation. Here is an article that deals with punctuation marks. ^_^

Description: It can get a bit tell-ish in a lot of locations, and a bit info-dumpy. "Telling" is when you simply, er, tell the reader what a character is doing. "Showing" (which is usually the preferred choice) is when you give us more what the character is feeling. Here is a good article on showing vs. telling. ^_^

"Info-dumping" is when you tell us strait out what something is, without giving us much of a reason to it. Here is a good article on general description.

Characters: Hmm, we don't get a lot on the characters here. Even though his is a beginning chapter, it would be nice to get some more feeling in these characters. You go into some emotion with Eric thinking about his aunt, but we don't get more then "it tore his heart to pieces" when he sees her depressed. Yes, that's some good imagery and empathy, but that's also the only emotion we get from him.

And, with Demi, we don't get much emotion either. Is she scared? Frustrated? Disappointed? Give us some more of her emotion surrounding this mission.

As as beginning: This was a pretty good beginning. Your plot is really driving this forward, which sort of makes up for the negative points. I'm really curious as to where this is going, though, so you've gotten a pretty good hook going!

Overall: I liked this. You could brush up on your adjectives and so forth, just to make you're you're not so repetitive, and brush up on the points I mentioned, but plot-wise, this was good!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey