Moving on

By far I know this isn't my best work and many of you
are going to tell me it's really bad, but I like it so....yeah.
Go ahead-wrip it to shreads......
___________________________________________

When cruel sorrow brings
the silence of tomorrow
have the sense
to say goodbye;
walk with me,
but please don’t cry

Somewhere along the dusty row
My heart it changed a little so,
I’m asking that you understand
And remember those days near the sand.

The ocean kissed our feet
And man, the sun, it was so sweet
But now I’ve landed back on shore
And was it love? Maybe before…

Bad memories are all that’s left now
Anymore I just won’t allow
Because it hurts, you should know
Just think back to the night with snow

You had left me alone
Wind roared like a cyclone
But you never showed
Then, I guess, I should’ve tried
To breakaway and just fly.

When guilty pain brings
the shame
get some sense
to say goodbye;
don’t walk with me,
‘cause I won’t cry…

Never say "not my best work" or "not good", it makes people not interested in reading it! Have confidence in yourself and others will appreciate it more! ^^

A few of the stanza's need more punctuation where they only have a period at the end of it, and what is the meaning of the asterisk at the beginning of the stanza's? The symmetry seems to be a bit off in some lines (syllable-wise). That is pretty much all I see wrong with this poem. It was an okay concept and pretty well put together! =) Good job!

In_the_Moonlight wrote:When cruel sorrow brings
the silence of tomorrow
have the sense What were you trying to say: "the sorrow brings the silence of tomorrow" or "the silence of tomorrow have the sense to say goodbye"?
to say goodbye;
walk with me,
but please don’t cry.

[s]*[/s]Somewhere along the dusty row
My heart-it changed a little so[s],[/s]
I’m asking that you understand
And remember those days near the sand.

*The ocean kissed our feet
And man, the sun, it was so sweet,
But now I’ve landed back on shore
And was it love? Maybe before…

*Bad memories are all that’s left now;
Anymore I just won’t allow
Because it hurts, you should know...
Just think back to the night with snow.

*You had left me alone;
Wind roared like a cyclone,
But you never showed,
Then, I guess, I should’ve tried
To breakaway and just fly.

When guilty pain brings
the shame,
get some sense
to say goodbye;
don’t walk with me,
‘cause I won’t cry…

[s]Just the beginning[/s]

So...one of the moderators PMed me and he was right. I actually did nothing but corrected your punctuation and pointed at your rhyme.
This is IT: your rhyming scheme is okay, but If I were you, I would make the rhyme in a way that has the same rhyming scheme through the whole poem. 1st, 5th and 6th stanza are really oscillating with this value....

Oh...and 5/10..it's a good poem...I'm very strict about this... If poem has 8-9/10 it's almost perfect...and I mean perfect...literally.

Thanks for the critiques guys. I would edit it but I'm really tired right now.....so peace

interesting....it wasn't bad. Uh I can't critique poems but you asked. I like the idea of like how it like summer then winter cause of the sun and the snow. Good ryhmes. I suck at ryhming which you know from my last poem....crowd and sound what was I thinking. Anyway this was good you should hand it in for extra credit wait are you aloud since you had that one missing assignment or will she not count it. I'm confused. Oh well I'll ask you in class tomorow.

thanx jules! And yes I already have an assignment missing so I can't hand it in, but I definitely will next marking period!

This piece struck me as a bit banal at the beginning, but as I went along the language and inflection really surprised me.

Well done with the conveyance of feeling and sensation within each and every action.

The ending is one of those 'guess they're done' moments that really does well for this piece so congrats.

A few lines could have used some finer tuning and a bit more thought into the rhyme but other than that it is a great piece.

Thank you fro the review Eraqio! I understand what you mean about the ending part. I didn't intend for it to be that way, but I'm glad you liked the poem altogether.