Stripped Bark

x

Thanks for doing it!


This was really great, I got something from this poem that I haven't yet seen. (Thus the topics I choose for challenges)



Anyway, right now I have a 60+ Chem review due tomorrow. *Leaves room for a critique later*


I will be back! I promise. ^^


---Jon---

Hi Hannah!

I have to say that I really loved this poem. It all flowed together so nice and was very beautiful to read. I could see the theme/idea of nervousness all through it, so you certainly attained that goal.

I'm afraid I don't have much more to say, cause I'm not good at poetry reviews. I just thought I should say something, since I really liked this one. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey there! I'd like to review your poem today!

This is a very unique poem. I liked the imagery you conveyed here, as well as some of the choice of words. ^^

Hannah wrote:He sees her legs are sound and shapely,
firmly planted in the ground:
___ a graceful maple sapling,
___ victim to the Abenaki.
If she stands like marble, she hopes,
___ he won't choose her. This part is a bit confusing for me. Maybe it's the way the sentence is arranged...?

But no! Her arching, graceful branches
bleed emotion and worth through her leaves; Very dramatically done, I like the tone here.
___ they quiver in inspiration. I think 'from inspiration' is better that 'in inspiration
___ Foil to the steadfastness
takes to nervous flight and tumbles, circling,
___ so he chooses her. Sorry, but I find this part confusing as well.

Now stabbed and ruined and stripped This is a bit overdone. Maybe try replacing 'ruined.'
of dignity, she weeps her sticky syrup-tears.
___ Within, a life frayed,
___ exposed to judgment.
Now he sees the fear that boiled beneath,
___ wonders why he chose her. I think it's better when you put '______he wonders why he chose her

Those are the only problems I can find. Overall, this was a creative and dramatic piece of work. Good luck in the contest!

Keep up the good work! ^^

Hannah wrote:He sees her legs are sound and shapely, Lovely metaphor there.
firmly planted in the ground:
___ a graceful maple sapling,
___ victim to the Abenaki.
If she stands like marble, she hopes,
___ he won't choose her.

But no! Her arching, graceful branches The exclamation mark fits in a good way, well done for that!
bleed emotion and worth through her leaves;
___ they quiver in inspiration.
___ Foils to the steadfastness
take to nervous flight and tumble, circling,
___ so he chooses her.

Now stabbed and ruined and stripped
of dignity, she weeps her sticky syrup-tears. I like this line, but maybe something other than "sticky syrup-tears" or take the dash away ^^
___ Within, a life frayed, The simplicity of this sentence is lovely
___ exposed to judgment.
Now he sees the fear that boiled beneath,
___ wonders why he chose her. Gotta say, love the ending!

Couldn't really find anything wrong, although; what's up with the underscores?

Beautiful poem, keep writing!

h