Boys vs Girls

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Boys vs. Girls
The War Begins

Sean Gordon sat in his tree house with his two brothers Connor and Max. The boys were watching the moving van pull up to the house next door through their telescope. A couple men hopped out of the truck and opened the back.
Sean had brown hair and eyes. He was thin and tall just like Connor was. Connor and he were identical twins and ten years old. There older brother Max was eleven. He was sturdy built and had blond hair and brown eyes. Max was in sixth grade and Connor and Sean where in fourth.
“Hey look at this,” said Connor peering through the telescope, “the movers are unloading bikes and baseball bats and basket balls.” Sean lept up from the floor in delight.
“Yes they have kids,” he said pumping his fist into the air. Max crossed his arms firmly. Sean knew that already but there Mom could have been wrong. She said that there were three kids moving in next door.
“That doesn’t mean that they are our age,” Max said. Connor and Sean knew he was right. They new they shouldn’t get their hopes up.
“That doesn’t mean that the kids are boys either,” Connor said.
“Oh don’t be silly,” Max laughed, “What girls have roller blades?” Sean nodded. He didn’t know any girls with roller blades. He didn’t know many girls either but that wasn’t the point.
“Well let’s go find out,” Connor said and he started down the rope ladder. They boys followed him and they walked down the drive way and into the neighbor’s yard.
In the yard there were three blond girls the Gordon boys had never seen before. Just then Sean had a horrifying thought. What if they were moving in next door? That would be terrible!
As they got closer Sean could make out their features better. The tallest blond had blue eyes and her hair was tied back in two low pig tails. She was lightly tanned and had a box in hand. She was wearing a pair of light jeans and a pink t-shirt.
The second girl was also carrying a box and had very light blonde hair. Sean thought that it was so blonde it could be white. She had it pulled back into a low messy bun and was wearing jean shorts and a lime green sweatshirt. The next girl was identical to the first but her hair was in a braid. She was wearing jeans and a blue T-shirt. Sean knew that the third and second girls were twins. All three girls were wearing a pair of black high top sneakers.
“Hi,” Max said approaching them, “My name is Max Gordon and these are my brothers Connor and Sean. We live next door. I’m eleven and Sean and Connor are ten.”
“Hi,” said the tallest girl, “My name is Caroline Sanders and these are my sisters Amy and Monica. I’m eleven and the twins are ten.” Caroline extended a tanned arm. Just then Sean noticed a gold charm bracelet on each of the girls’ arms. The charms were the initial of each girl’s first name, a dog, a microphone, a crown, an angel, a mermaid, and a sign for there horoscope. Caroline’s was a crab and the twins’ one was a goat.
When Max didn’t shake Caroline’s hand so, she pulled it back slowly. She cocked an eyebrow as though the boys had done something weird.
“So what are you doing here?” Connor asked.
“Moving,” Monica said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. The Gordon’s looked at each other confused.
“Moving In,” Amy said rolling her eyes, as if the Gordons had done something stupid.
“Eeewww!” cried Connor, “We’re going to be living next to a bunch of girls!” Sean wrinkled his nose in disgust. All three Gordon boys we not happy at all. They knew that boys were better than girls and were not interested in living near a pack of females.
“Do you have a problem with that?” Caroline said glaring at the Gordons.
“We were expecting boys,” Sean said uncomfortably. He was liking the situation less and less. He put on his Mets cap.
“What is the problem with girls,” Amy said she took out a Yankees cap from her box and slammed it on her head. Sean didn’t like these girls one bit and the fact that Amy was Yankees fans didn’t help him see the good in them.
“Every thing,” Connor said staring coldly at the Sanders.
“Is that so,” said Monica retuning Connor’s glare.
“Consider us enemies,” said Max moving his face toward Caroline’s. Caroline moved her face up to Max’s. Sean thought that they were only about an inch away from each other.
“Good,” she said and she turned and walked into her house. Her sisters just glared and followed her.
“Lets get out of here,” Max said, “I can’t stand in this yard another second.” The Gordon boys marched back into their yard scowling. Sean pulled his Mets cap down over his forehead.
Sean thought that that was a waist of his time. Not only did he find out that there wouldn’t be any guys moving in at all but instead girls. To make matters worst one of them was Yankees fan.
Anyone could tell that Gordon boys and the Sanders’ girls were not going to get a long well at all.
Last edited by Broadwaylovercf on Tue Mar 24, 2009 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi,
Welcome to YWS! We have a rule here that you must review two pieces before posting something yourself. I read only up to half of your story because it is so long. You might want to cut into four or five parts then post. A lot of people might not read it all because of the length. While I'm sure it is a good story, please shorten it and post again. Then I can give you a real review. Cute name too!

I hope to see more of your work soon and I hope that you like YWS!

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem




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You may want to shorter this into several things. I read about half and it seemed to lengthy to be 1 post. Judging from what I did it read it did not seem descriptive, more that you were just listing the information instead of elaborating and making it seem like an intriguing story.




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Hi!

Sean Gordon sat in his tree house with his two brothers Connor and Max.


This is just a suggestion, but this is the first sentence of your story and doesn't really pull you in. Actually, it is kind of boring. Try making it a little more interesting.

Connor and he were identical twins and ten years old.


Say Connor and Max, it doesn't sound right when you say Connor and he

There older brother Max was eleven.

Their not there

Max was in sixth grade and Connor and Sean where in fourth.

Were not whre

“Yes they have kids,”

It sounds kind of awkward when you say "Yes they have kids". It sounds like he is saying yes, they have kids, like he already knew that but he is actually just realizing it. So, maybe try "Yes! They have kids!" or something like that.

Sean knew that already but there Mom could have been wrong.

Their not there.

They new they shouldn’t get their hopes up.

Knew not new

“Well let’s go find out,”

When you put an apostrophe there you are saying he is saying "Well let is go find out." Which is wrong, so it would just be lets.

They boys followed him and they walked down the drive way and into the neighbor’s yard.

The not they

As they got closer Sean could make out their features better. The tallest blond had blue eyes and her hair was tied back in two low pig tails. She was lightly tanned and had a box in hand. She was wearing a pair of light jeans and a pink t-shirt.
The second girl was also carrying a box and had very light blonde hair. Sean thought that it was so blonde it could be white. She had it pulled back into a low messy bun and was wearing jean shorts and a lime green sweatshirt. The next girl was identical to the first but her hair was in a braid. She was wearing jeans and a blue T-shirt. Sean knew that the third and second girls were twins. All three girls were wearing a pair of black high top sneakers.


None of this description is nessassary. Plus, it is all telling and not showing. You can incorporate some of this into showing, but this is just too much telling.

The charms were the initial of each girl’s first name, a dog, a microphone, a crown, an angel, a mermaid, and a sign for there horoscope. Caroline’s was a crab and the twins’ one was a goat.


Again, too much desciption. The bracelets don't have a role in the story, so no need to describe them so much.

When Max didn’t shake Caroline’s hand so, she pulled it back slowly.

Take out 'so'

All three Gordon boys we not happy at all.

Were not we

“What is the problem with girls,” Amy said


It is a question, so it should be "What is the problem with girls?" Amy asked

“Every thing,” Connor said staring coldly at the Sanders.


Everything is one word

“Is that so,” said Monica retuning Connor’s glare.


"Is that so?" It's a question.

Sean thought that they were only about an inch away from each other.


Wouldn't he notice that they were only about an inch away from each other?

Sean thought that that was a waist of his time.

Waste not waist

To make matters worst one of them was Yankees fan.

Worse not worst

Anyone could tell that Gordon boys and the Sanders’ girls were not going to get a long well at all.


Along is one word.



So, overall, you need to do some showing and not so much telling. Your story is tell after tell, and that makes it less interesting. What did their yard look like? Their house? What was the weather like? Also, it is a bit cliche. New neighbors, they don't like the new neighbors, they become enemies. Just something to think about.

Keep writing!
~Mateeah



It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore