An Angel Dropped

Not sure if this is the pefect place for it but "Other" just seemed wrong along with "Romance." So Fantasy it is. Thank you in advance for reading.



An Angel Dropped

She tumbled to the ground like a star dropping from the sky and connected with the earth in a crumpled tangle of milky white flesh and cobalt silk.
Though she indeed looked quite dead, for she should have been under the circumstances, an ominous presence hung over her as if at any second her eyes would flutter open, air would fill her lungs, and her body would acquire animation.
For a fortnight, she remained still. Crisp autumn leaves began to consume her delicate form and the moonlight began to fade from her skin, becoming only a glimmer.
But her heart still beat within her chest, a slow uniform pulse that refused to fail, and sweet, blissful thoughts still ambled through her consciousness, spinning delusional myths through her mind.
No; she did not stir until that fourteenth day, when the sound of rubber-soled sneakers slapping stone steps echoed into the clearing, the snap of a padlock perked her ears, and the crackling of rust flakes and old metal paint falling from they’re place on the stout iron gate became audible.
Every step resonated like a whip-crack as the boy approached. He had a hansom build with broad shoulders and long limbs; though dressed in modern attire, he possessed the look of an old-fashioned gentleman.
He didn’t see the crumpled thing immediately for by this time, autumn had hidden the fallen angel in a blanket of brown and orange. But a glimpse of vibrant blue silk caught his eye and the whole picture expanded from there.
His immediate thought was that she was in fact dead. What else could explain her motionless form or the deathly-white appearance of her skin? He stood in the clearing, unsure of his next move. His eyes picked her apart critically, noting the way her dress fell on her skin, how the brown of the fallen leaves matched the color of her hair almost perfectly, even the way her arms fell, one draped delicately over her stomach while the other lay under her head as if she was merely asleep.
But curiosity pushed him forward and he took a step nearer. The snapping of dead foliage under his feet resonated in the clearing and he hesitated, looking back at the church up the hill, back down at the stone step leading up to the old stone cathedral ending on the small iron gate that guarded the steps. Should he fetch help?
He turned back to the corpse and nearly fell to the ground when he saw her sitting up right, curiously picking leaves from her hair, very clearly alive.
“Oh, um, hello,” she spoke with a rather embarrassed grin on her face as if she had just been caught walking out of a stranger’s apartment in the same clothes she had worn the day before.
“Hi.” It was all he could muster under the circumstances. She started to stand up and he took a step back, fearful.
There was silence between them for some time as she gathered herself off the ground, shaking away her autumn blanket and straitening her silk gown, trying her best to cover herself though it had little effect. The cobalt dress dropped low in the front and even lower in the back and slits had been cut up the side showing off a pair of beautifully formed legs.
When she had determined that she was proper in appearance, she turned to the boy. “May I ask just as to where I am?”
“You’re – uh, this is – We’re in Virginia,” he eventually managed to sputter out, still staring at the miracle he had witnessed with his mouth gaping wide and his eyes darting about wildly.
“Oh, really. I’ve never been to Virginia before. This is a very nice place. Very…peaceful,” she replied. “So, what’s your name?”
“My name?” He hesitated, as if he had forgotten his name all together. “It’s Jason.”
“Oh, Jason, that’s a cute name. My names Afriel.”
He looked at her curiously and with good reason. Not only was her name a rather peculiar one but she was, well, not dead. Yet he was witnessing her very-much-alive movements and watching as a glow returned to her skin and a twinkle flashed in her crisp green eyes.
“Uh, that’s a pretty name,” he said, still in a state of near-shock.
“So, do you know where the gateway is?” she rambling on as if everything seemed pretty damn normal to her. “Whenever they kick one of us down here they try to make the gate pretty obvious.” She scanned the clearing before spotting the gate and its many stairs.
Afriel pranced forward gracefully, peering at the gate with curiosity, knees bent and head cocked to the side as she examined its simple form. She reached out toward it with interest but kept her fingertips from actually gracing the antique metal, as if she would burst into flames at the touch.
Jason wondered if maybe she would.
“What are you exactly?” he asked without thinking. She jumped when he spoke and spun around in a flash of blue and crisp dark-brown.
“Oh, well, I’m what old legend would call an…an…Angel.” Her face was small and looked back at him with an expression saying ‘please don’t be frightened.’
“That’s cool,” Jason said following a forever of silence.
“Well,” she smiled and straightened her back, “what’s at the top of those steps?”
“It’s a church,” he answered, his big green eyes glancing up at the towering brick structure, admiring the stain glass windows and careful architecture.
“Well then I suppose I should be returning.”
“What do you mean?”
She looked up toward the church and the same complacent look on her face. “Well, I’m still, you know, not supposed to be here. And the gateways are the only way back up. So, I should probably go.”
“Oh.” He was disappointed and it read on his face, even if she couldn’t see it.
“So, I believe I’ll be seeing you around. Not soon, but I promise I will be seeing you,” Afriel responded and swept his hand into hers. “I’ll miss you, Gazardiel.”
And without another word, she pushed the door gate and pranced up the stairs, all at once sprouting a pair of graceful white wings and disappearing into the fresh morning sun.

Hi This is really beautiful! Very poetic I love how it develops and how peaceful it all feels to read.

Crisp autumn leaves began to consume her delicate form

I'm not sure about 'consume', I know what you mean but it sounded a bit odd here to me (might just be me though) perhaps something like 'blanket', 'veil' or 'obscure' would work instead or something similar.

when the sound of rubber-soled sneakers slapping stone steps echoed into the clearing,

I like the alliteration! I'd maybe add 'on' after 'slapping' though.

But a glimpse of vibrant blue silk caught his eye and the whole picture expanded from there.

I'm not that keen on this, I think you could say something better than just the picture expanding from there, something about the rest of the image unfolding before him or the picture becoming clear or revealing the true scene before him might work better.

The snapping of dead foliage under his feet resonated in the clearing and he hesitated, looking back at the church up the hill, back down at the stone step leading up to the old stone cathedral ending on the small iron gate that guarded the steps.

This is quite a long sentence, I'd maybe break it up and reword it. Perhaps you could add in about him looking back for reassurance or to check he is not alone? Adding a bit of how he is feeling here like his expression- for instance a curious frown- might work well. Here's an example- 'The snapping of dead foliage under his feet resonated in the clearing and he hesitated, nervous and unsure of himself. He glanced back at the old church on the hill, the safe image of its worn stone steps and small iron gate could not help his uneasiness.'

He turned back to the corpse and nearly fell to the ground when he saw her sitting up right, curiously picking leaves from her hair, very clearly alive.

'nearly fell to the ground' I think could be changed to better describe his reaction, perhaps leaping back in shock or quickly clutching at his chest might work. If you do stick with falling to the ground, I might add something about shock in there too.

There was silence between them for some time as she gathered herself off the ground, shaking away her autumn blanket and straitening her silk gown, trying her best to cover herself though it had little effect.

I'd change the last part of this sentence as I think it comes across a little clumsily here- maybe 'straightening her silk gown in a failing attempt of covering herself adequately.' or something like that so it is shortened down and flows a bit easier.

Not only was her name a rather peculiar one but she was, well, not dead. Yet he was witnessing her very-much-alive movements and watching as a glow returned to her skin and a twinkle flashed in her crisp green eyes.

I wouldn't have 'Yet' here as the sentence is agreeing with the previous one that she is not dead. I'd maybe add a description to how he is watching her- like 'transfixed' or 'bewildered'.

she rambling on as if everything seemed pretty damn normal to her.

I think this should be 'she was rambling' or 'she rambled'.

“Whenever they kick one of us down here they try to make the gate pretty obvious.” She scanned the clearing before spotting the gate and its many stairs.
Afriel pranced forward gracefully, peering at the gate with curiosity

You repeat 'gate' a few times here. I'd maybe change one or two of the times you use it so its not repeated so much. Maybe just the last gate could be replaced with 'it' as I think that would still make sense what you are talking about
I'm not sure about 'and its many stairs' as its not the gates many stairs, perhaps something like 'and the many steps leading up from it.'

Her face was small and looked back at him with an expression saying ‘please don’t be frightened.’

I'd describe her expression a bit before saying this and I'm not sure why you say her face was small- I think you could instead comment on perhaps her wide eyes and weak smile to show her attempt at not frightening him. You could then maybe add in what you can deduce from it.

Jason said following a forever of silence.

I'm not that keen on this exaggeration- I think it could be phrased a bit better. Something about a long stretch of silence or something else might work well.

admiring the stain glass windows and careful architecture.

I'm not sure about 'careful' here, I understand what you mean but I think 'delicate' or 'graceful' or something similar might work well here instead.

She looked up toward the church and the same complacent look on her face.

'and the same complacent look' should be 'with the same complacent look'. and I'm not sure if you've mentioned a complacent look before so it doesn't really make sense to say 'the same', perhaps just 'a complacent look'.

He was disappointed and it read on his face, even if she couldn't see it.

I'd maybe rephrase this a bit as I'm not that keen on how the sentence sounds at the moment. Maybe something like 'His disappointment was made clear on his face, even though she could not see it.'

Afriel responded and swept his hand into hers.

I'm not sure about this action- it sounds a bit odd and I can't really picture what is happening. Maybe just lightly pressing her hand into his or squeezing his palm with her marble fingers or something like that would be a better action to have here in farewell.

Overall: Like I said, this is really lovely and poetic, I love how you have captured this one scene

I would maybe add more as to how the boy feels, he would be very shocked from seeing first of all what he had presumed to be a dead person then an angel but there is not much on his reaction. Something on his expression, his actions (for instance shuffling or fidgeting nervously) and even his tone might work well. I know you do say something on his eyes darting wildly at first but before and after that there is not much. Take us through what he is feeling so we can really understand what it is like, as he seems quite enchanted by the end I would maybe have more on how he got to this point from being fearful.

You describe the angel beautifully I must say, I'd like to know what her voice sounds like though. You could mention on the affect it has on Jason too. You could perhaps add something on Jason's voice as well, perhaps its squeaky in nervousness at first or something like that.

So really brilliantly done! I like the twist at the end with his name too Hope I've helped, it's all just my opinion so you don't have to take any notice really *star*

What up, Lily.

She tumbled to the ground like a star dropping from the sky and connected with the earth in a crumpled tangle of milky white flesh and cobalt silk.

This is a bit long for an opening sentence, and doesn't really grab me. The imagery is also a little unclear.

Though she indeed looked quite dead, for she should have been under the circumstances, an ominous presence hung over her as if at any second her eyes would flutter open, air would fill her lungs, and her body would acquire animation.

Why is she 'dead?'

No; she did not stir until that fourteenth day, when the sound of rubber-soled sneakers slapping stone steps echoed into the clearing, the snap of a padlock perked her ears, and the crackling of rust flakes and old metal paint falling from they’re place on the stout iron gate became audible.

'Rust flakes' isn't quite the right imagery, possibly 'the groan of a rusted iron gate,' or something along those lines.

He had a hansome build with broad shoulders and long limbs; though dressed in modern attire, he possessed the look of an old-fashioned gentleman.

Beautiful imagery; possibly a bit more detail, but not much.

He didn’t see the crumpled thing immediately for by this time, autumn had hidden the fallen angel in a blanket of brown and orange. But a glimpse of vibrant blue silk caught his eye and the whole picture expanded from there.

This isn't enough; we need more details and description. Does he reach down and touch the silk, try to pick it up, or just see the mound of leaves as a human form?

“Hi.” It was all he could muster under the circumstances.

Try to keep it closer to "he said/ she said;" the reader doesn't need to read "under the circumstances," because they already know that. I think it would be better if you took out the bold.

There was silence between them for some time as she gathered herself off the ground, shaking away her autumn blanket and straitening her silk gown, trying her best to cover herself though it had little effect. The cobalt dress dropped low in the front and even lower in the back and slits had been cut up the side showing off a pair of beautifully formed legs.

I'm sorry, but I simply can't picture an angel dressed like this; it gives a very wrong impression about her.

You’re – uh, this is – We’re in Virginia,” he eventually managed to sputter out, still staring at the miracle he had witnessed with his mouth gaping wide and his eyes darting about wildly.

This description of the dialog is way too long. Keep it short and sweet.

So, do you know where the gateway is?” she rambling on as if everything seemed pretty damn normal to her.

The swear word totally ruins the mood of your story. Also, you're getting your narrator mixed up with Jason.

“Well, I’m still, you know, not supposed to be here. And the gateways are the only way back up. So, I should probably go.”

Why did she come to Earth?

“I’ll miss you, Gazardiel.”

I mean no offense by this- and I truly mean that- but these names simply do not sound angelic to me.

And without another word, she pushed the door gate and pranced up the stairs, all at once sprouting a pair of graceful white wings and disappearing into the fresh morning sun.

Personally, I prefer her without the wings; she seems sweeter, and more real, not this ethereal being we can't relate to.

Well, it was pretty good. The only thing I didn't like really was the narrator sort of voice telling the story; it seemed very impersonal to me. Other than that, keep going; I like your work.

*Seraph*

She tumbled to the ground like a star dropping from the sky and connected with the earth in a crumpled tangle of milky white flesh and cobalt silk.

First off, I absolutely love this. It’s so vivid – I could see this perfectly, as if it was actually happening before my eyes; and that’s amazing.

I won’t mention all the sentences and phrases I love; there are so many in this story. I especially loved your scene-setting paragraphs, though, whilst the angel waits for the fortnight; very detailed and vivid, but without ever slipping into obnoxious purple prose. I love it.

from they’re place

‘from their place’.

had a hansom build with

‘had a handsome build with’.

limbs; though dressed

‘limbs; although (he was) dressed’

He didn’t see the crumpled thing immediately for by this time, autumn had hidden the fallen angel in a blanket of brown and orange.

I think this would go better as,
‘He didn’t see the crumpled angel immediately, for by this time autumn had hidden her in a blanket of brown and orange.’ (or perhaps exchange ‘orange’ for ‘gold’? It would make the imagery all the more vivid.)

that she was in fact dead.

‘that she was, in fact, dead.’

appearance of her skin?

Maybe exchange ‘appearance’ for ‘pallor’? I think that it would go better. c:

almost perfectly, even the way

‘almost perfectly; even the way’

Should he fetch help?

‘Should he fetch help first?’ would go better, I think.

He turned back to the corpse and nearly fell to the ground when he saw her sitting up right, curiously picking leaves from her hair, very clearly alive.

I absolutely love this sentence – you can just imagine the shock on his face, and the serenity on hers. Well done. (:

she spoke with

I think this would be better as simply ‘she said, with’.

her face as if she

‘her face, as if she’.

he took a step back, fearful.

Omit ‘fearful’: ‘he took a step back.’

she gathered herself off the ground, shaking

I think this would be better just as, ‘she gathered herself, shaking’.

and straitening her silk

‘and straightening her silk’

trying her best to cover herself though it had little effect.

I think that this would be better as, ‘trying in vain to cover herself.’

The cobalt dress dropped low in the front and even lower in the back and slits had been cut up the side showing off a pair of beautifully formed legs.

This seems awkward and forced – I don’t think this sentence is needed, as the previous sentence basically shows that the dress doesn’t cover her completely?

he eventually managed to sputter out, still staring at the miracle he had witnessed with his mouth gaping wide and his eyes darting about wildly.

‘he eventually managed to say, still staring at her.’
Short and simple. c:

“So, do you know where the gateway is?” she rambling on as if everything seemed pretty damn normal to her.

Awkward. Very awkward. I think that, ‘ “So, do you know where the gateway is?” ’ and just that would suffice – ‘So’ emphasises the idea that she feels relaxed and casual, and so the speech tag is completely unnecessary.

Her face was small and looked back at him with an expression saying ‘please don’t be frightened.’

‘Her face was small and she looked back at him with a calming expression.’

“Well,” she smiled

‘ “Well.” She smiled’

“It’s a church,” he answered, his big green eyes glancing up at the towering brick structure, admiring the stain glass windows and careful architecture.

Too many overly-long speech tags. Just, ‘ “It’s a church.” He glanced at the towering structure, admiring the stain glass windows and careful architecture.’ would work better, I think.

church and the same

‘church with the same’?

“Oh.” He was disappointed and it read on his face, even if she couldn’t see it.

I think, here, just a simple: ‘ “Oh.” ’ would work. That’s all.

seeing you,” Afriel responded and swept his hand into hers.

‘seeing you.” She took his hand briefly.’

And without another word, she pushed the door gate and pranced up the stairs, all at once sprouting a pair of graceful white wings and disappearing into the fresh morning sun.

Compared to your opening sentence, I found this ending sentence really quite… lacking. :/ I don’t know – I was expecting more, I guessed, but this was perhaps as anti-climactic as you can get.

I love it, it's really poetic and pretty and.. stuff.
XD
Can you please PM me when the next part is up?
I'll love your forever. ^o^
x