Like a Button: Parts 1 & 2

Deleted. Thinking about publishing.

Hi there, my name is lilymoore and I’ll be your reviewer today.

(1)They helped save me when I was drowning.My father had died the previous year and my best friend had just moved to the United States. I was alone, until they swooped in and rescued me. They saved me from being alone when I was going to enter the scariest grade for teens: junior high.

So this is an important issue I want to bring to your attention. It mostly has to do with the way words translate onto paper. Sentence 1 is misleading. It can make your readers think that she physically drowned. You need to make sure that you add words in an order that allows readers to understand the meaning behind them.

“Come on, Dakota!” Delilah told me. “You can do it!”

Here is a prime example of word usage. This definitely deserves a more powerful word, something that really sets the action off. (also, if I’m sounding a bit harsh, I’m sorry. I’m just a big meany)

I glanced up from the ditch that lay in front of me to look at my two best friends: Delilah Roberts and Rory Smith; both of them basking in glory because they had already conquered hopping the ditch.

This paragraph is a prime example of the over usage of a word. Perhaps the second words could be changed into “expanse” or even “great expance.”

Their many years of friendship had contained multiple occasions of crossing the ditch but I had only done it a few times, most times taking as long as that time.

This sentence definitely sounds messy and should be cleaned up. It is very muddled and hard to understand.

She used the other hand to swipe a piece of hair out of her green eyes and then proceeded to stare at me.

I like how you very easily added in detail without being so blunt. This is a prime example of being subtle about adding description.

I sighed and attempted again with little luck.

I don’t completely understand this line. How do you attempt to jump over a ditch have only little luck? Either you fall in or you make it, don’t you?

I felt me feet leave the ground as I made the little leap.

I think you meant for “me” to be “my” if I’m not mistaken.

I smiled and inhaled a breath of the forest’s fresh pine scent and let it out.

So, at least in my opinion, “inhaled a breath” just sounds awkward. Try something like “inhaled the perfume” or “inhaled the aroma.”

I ducked my head.

I don’t understand why she’s ducking here. This needs a little clarifying.

I didn’t find much else wrong with this. It has a good beginning and really shows the way friendships work. Good on ya!

Not only that, but I have a feeling that the song and the line you ended with are assumed to be almost a foreshadowing of what is to come.

Hi lakegirls! I always like reading your stories. They're so delightful.

And this story, it seems, is no exception. I like the three characters that you have here and their relationship with each other. While I'm usually not attracted to stories like this, what you have done with this one has piqued my interest, and if this is only the first part, then please PM me with the next one when you post it, as I would very much like to read it. I see no grammar or punctuation errors either, so it looks like you're all set there. A very good little story, if I do say so myself.

And, that's pretty much all I have. Sorry, I just don't comment a lot when I really like something. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi,
Thank-you! I'll be sure to fix that and I will be posting more within the next hour hopefully. I have it written, just not typed up yet

Love,
N

Hey there!

I like this story. It's really sweet, and explores friendship in a different way. When I read it, it kept my interest until the end of the story. It was a nice piece. I didn't notice any errors as well. I'm looking forward to more of your work.

Keep up the good work, and keep writing! ^^

Five Years Later


“We thought about putting it there. What do you think, Dakota?”

I turned my head towards my best friend, Emma Carter, and glanced at the banner that was being held by two boys who stood on ladders. I titled my head from side to side and nodded.

“Yeah, that looks fine.”

Emma smiled as I turned my gaze back to the other side of the gym where Delilah Roberts stood. I tried to figure out why my old best friend’s eyebrows were knitted and why her boyfriend was shaking his head laughing.

“Hey, Emma… I’m going to check out things on the stage,” I called already walking away from the chaos of putting up a single banner.

“Kay,” Emma said looking away from the still slanted banner.

She went back to directing the boys as I slowly walked to the stage, not wanting it to look like I was in a rush. Delilah shook her head, faking a laugh just as I was close enough to hear what she was saying.

“You can’t be serious,” She said to the brown haired boy standing in front of her. The boy tipped his head towards the ground and then looked up to the ceiling groaning.

I watched out of the corner of my eye, pretending to check over the to-do list that Emma and I had formulated.

Delilah’s blue eyes held fire in them as she stared at her current boyfriend, just like they had on the day of the fight.


Mine, Delilah’s and Rory’s friendship was – well… a difficult one. The first few years had been bliss, just Delilah, Rory and I, but once we entered grade nine things changed. Delilah found a boyfriend and became bitchy and obsessed with herself while Rory and I remained friends, for a little while at least.

Delilah had stomped on me; not literally but figuratively speaking. She completely left me for her boyfriend. We had been on edge the whole summer before grade nine, bitching at each other and never agreeing but I never thought it would end our friendship.

We had made a list that summer, of the things we wanted to do. One had been to get a tan so naturally practically everyday Delilah and Rory would come over to my house so we could bake in the sun. Then after we would lounge in pool, letting our skin cool down while we sipped lemonade and joked about how we wouldn’t be able to go out in public looking like lobsters.

One day, however, Rory stayed home due to a grounding she had brought upon herself by lying about spending the night at Delilah’s when she really had spent it at the cottage for half the night with a boy she liked. So Delilah and I were by our selves.

Delilah was acting extremely moody that day, remarking nastily about almost everything I said. Finally, after fighting for a little over two hours Delilah cracked.

“What the fuck is your problem, Dakota?”

I stared at her, bewildered. “My problem? What the fuck is yours?”
That was the first time I had ever used that word but it soon became frequent in my vocabulary when complaining about Delilah.

Delilah looked shocked, but then she smirked.

“Wow, little Miss Priss’ learned how to curse,” She had announced lathering up her leg with more tanner.

Normally I would have just taken it, like Delilah had expected me to, but I didn’t. My anger was boiling as much as the sun that day and Delilah had set me off.

“Well, Delilah where do you think I learned it but from a trash mouth like you?” I knew it wasn’t the best come back but I was hoping it had at least stung.

Delilah’s eyes turned livid as she placed the lotion next to her. “You know, Dakota, you can be a real bitch.”

“I’m a bitch? Delilah, have you even listened to your self this summer?”

She glared at me and pulled up the straps of her bikini.

“Well I’m sorry we can’t all be Miss Perfect like you.”

“I’m not Miss Perfect. I just know how to act in public.”

“What by being clingy?”

It was my turn to glare.

“That’s all you’ve done since Anna left for Boston and we became friends. You’ve just clung and I’m really starting to get sick of it. Why can’t you just leave me alone for once? I’m sick of being friends with you, Dakota.”

I could feel the tears starting to make their way down my face.

“Leave,” I told her through gritted teeth.

Delilah’s eyes grew wide in what I knew was realization. “Oh my god. I’m sorry, Kota. It’s just… I want… you know…”

“Leave!” I shouted at her.

Delilah looked bewildered this time. “Dakota, I’m sorry,” She tried.

“Leave! You… you stupid bitch! Just leave. I’m sick of you! I don’t care if I ever see your face again.”

“Dakota…”

“Just leave,” I said weakly. I put my head in my laps and waited for Delilah to gather her things. I could hear her quiet foot steps as she walked past me and then slowly down my steps.

After that we were never the same. We did forgive each other but I could never forget the venom in her voice or how hurtful her eyes looked. We were friends again but there was always tension between us, so it didn’t work, we couldn’t really be friends.


“Well then, you can just find another date for the prom,” Delilah said loudly enough to bring me back to reality.

I glanced at them again, wondering the boy had said to set Delilah off. I turned around so I could lean against the stage and so I could have a better view of the fight.

“Lilah,” The boy said.
Delilah just glared at him. “No, go. You can find someone else, you obviously want some time like you said.”

“Lilah, I meant after the prom. It’s tomorrow. Where else will I find a date?”

“I don’t know or care, Bryan. You’ll find someone else, since that’s obviously what you want,” Delilah told him taking her cell phone out her purse. She flipped it open, read the tiny screen, and then her fingers started moving over the keys.

The boy Bryan shook his head. “You’re unbelievable, Delilah,” he commented grabbing his coat. He shoved past Delilah and walked towards the gym door.

I noticed Delilah watching him out of the corner of her eye while she continued to text on her cell phone. Once the click of the gym door issued Delilah threw her phone back into her purse and sighed. She groaned, hopped up on the stage and quickly dug her cell phone out again. I noted how idiotic it was of her to put her cell phone back in her bag again if she was going to need it.

Delilah jabbed at the numbers and then held the phone to her ear. “Mom? Hi. Can you pick me up after school?” She bit her lip while she awaited her mother’s answer. Her face fell in what I learned many years ago was disappointment.

“Oh, okay,” She said. “Bye.” She groaned angrily and roughly shoved the pink phone back into her purse.

“Hey! Dakota!” Emma shouted from the middle of the gym.

Hi lakegirls! I'm here to take a look at this second half.

It's an all right second half. While it is put together rather well, it feels like it is kind of a letdown when compared to the first half. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I like about it, like the argument between Delilah and Dakota, which I thought was well crafted and well executed.

It's just, it doesn't quite measure up to the first part. It's lost a bit of the quirkiness and innocence. That's not wrong in itself, in fact, it's necessary for this piece. It's just something you might want to address a bit better. Like, at one point you mention something about Dakota cursing for the first time. You might want to expound on that, have her tell about how this is the real beginning of her becoming a worldly girl, or something to that extent. Do you see what I mean?

Anyways, still a well written story, but it needs a little work before it can become great. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey lakegirls! Sorry about the delay. Just a quick point-- normally things are neater and more organized if you post each segment of your story in a seperate thread, dear. You might consider posting the third installment in a new thread. If points are an issue, it's not hard to go out there and review! And there are always people willing to donate.

both of them basking in glory because they had already conquered hopping over it.

To start on a happy note, this is very nice description.

Alright, so I want to make a point about the first paragraph. This is a whole bunch of telling, hun. You are just informing us that these girls are friends, and we just have to take your word for it.

“Fuck!” Rory and Delilah belted out the only curse word I wouldn’t say.

I was under the impression that these girls were nine or ten, maybe eleven. I don't know, but this just seems jarring for such a young age.

Delilah had stomped on me; not literally but figuratively speaking.

We realize that she didn't literally step on her; there's no need to add that next part. Instead, describe with imagery how she was stomped on. Was she crumpled and tossed like yesterday's newspaper? How does it feel? Does Dakota regret losing their freidnship, or is she better off without Delilah anyway?

bitching

You've already used this before, and repeating it in such a sweet story is almost vulgar, dear. Isn't a less harsh word you could use?

[s]EDT: I accidentally clicked Submit too early, but I'll be back to finish soon![/s]

Hey, so sorry for the wait! I'm here to finish, though. Honestly. Truly. I've just been crazy busy.

Delilah, have you even listened to your self this summer

your self = yourself. You don't have too many spelling or grammar errors, but I thought I'd point out this one.

Alright, in this section with the arguement between Delilah and Dakota, why is all of the dialogue in italics? You can have a flashback without italics; in fact, it's more of an all-or-nothing thing. I suggest either putting italics on the entire scene, or keeping it all in regular formatting.

I put my head in my laps

laps = lap, unless Dakota is a mutant freak with more than one lap? No? Ah, then, perhaps just edit this.

Characters, and all of that good stuff that goes along with them.

So far, I can't really connect with your characters. This could be for many reasons.

1.) We aren't inside their hearts. None of their emotions are coming through to the readers, becuase you haven't put any in, dear. Now, sometimes writers do this as a stylistic choice, keeping the readers seperated and detatched from the characters. And sometimes that works perfectly well. Here, though, with the type of story it is (teenage love/friendship, high school) we need those crazy high emotions. How do you do this? You can tell us how the world suddenly stops spinning, you can show us that Dakota has been broken and ripped in two by the girl she once considered her best friend.
We need to feel what they feel, when they feel it.

2.) We also need to know *why* they feel it. Every person, fictional characters included, have reasoning and logical capabilities. They have thought processes behind every word they speak, and every move they make. They have mental calculations before doing something, and mental reactions after something has been done. As the writer, it's your job to connect us to these people you've fabricated out of your own imgination; nobody but you knows them yet, and it's going to stay that way until you let us know them through letting us into their heads and their hearts.

3.) The whole of your characters' personalities and lives revolve around this friendship so far. While it's good to grab onto the plot and dive straight into it, as you've done well here, we also need some background information on these people. By reading your story, you're asking us to care about these people. How can we care for, as an example: Dakota, when all we know is she thinks Delilah is a [insert bad word here] and can never be her friend again? Can we love your characters based on the fact that they all think they're right, and everyone else is wrong?

Sorry, love, but no. You have quite promising girls developing, and the plotline you've chosen has so many opputunities to let the readers in on every aspect of these people, from their favorite soda to their religion to their temper to if they are allergic to hornets. While you may not give us all of this information in the long run, knowing little tidbits will help you connect to your characters during the writing process.

Whew! That said...Plot

I can't be sure where you're going with this so far, but I can tell you that you have a pretty solid foundation to start your story on. Only, you need to start it now. So far all we've had is the typical teenage/high school angst, with break-ups and fights and tears and broken hearts. To make sure you stay away from cliched grounds, you'll need to expand on the main conflict and plotline of this story very, very, soon.

Sunny-side up!

So, now for the praise! All of the good things about this peice I'm saving for the end. First of all, you can write! Yay! Your grammar is excellent, your spelling almost flawless, and I can tell that you've taken the time to go over your posts and proofread it yourself before handing it to us. Kudos, dear! While your tone of voice can be expanded, what you have so far shows that you can handle first person-- which not everyone can --and keeps me interested on what's going to come next! While your characters are still very underdeveloped, they have the potential of being great. Why? Because you've added all of this glorious conflict!



Hope this helped, and you can ask in my thread for another review later, if you like.

~Evi

I feel so bad.

I really meant to review this a long, long time ago, and I didn't. I'm disappointed with myself. -_-

Anyways, let's go for a shot at this.


There aren't any grammar/spelling errors so I'm going to bullet, kay?

• Characters -


I got a feeling that the characters were pretty much well developed throughout this, but I don't feel that you exposed enough of them to us. It feels like you are holding back a bit, and I think you should let them show to their full extent.

I could feel and get a good sense of the peer pressure that lies in this story. You did a good job with that, honestly. I just want a feel of more emotion, and more personal touch to this.


• Description -

I honestly think you did pretty darn good with it. You didn't overload us with it, nor did you leave us hanging and wondering why this and this was so.


• Plot -

It's a bit earlier on to see where you're going, but you have the steady ground of school, teen life, and friendship going here, and it's great.



Be sure to continue this, please, and drop me a PM when you do? I'd review it much faster.

Anyway!

The boy Bryan shook his head.

This part was iffy-ish. There should be a comma after boy, but do you even need that part? Why not just Bryan shook his head?


So, sorry for the lame quality of this review; I had honestly thought I reviewed this already. I think I did, and I lost the review or something.

Anyway, hope that helped.

Juniper