Blessings [Prologue]

The sky was stained with a deep, bloody red hue. Strong, dusty winds blew over the sky and over the large sand dunes. As the procession went on, the clouds of dirt hanging over the land formed a clearing, revealing a mass of debris and destruction on the ground. Buildings looked as if giant termites had been eating away at them. Covering the ground was a layer of debris and rubble. Motionless figures lay at every corner in pools of red liquid.

Not a sound was heard, except for the whistling of the wind. The land seemed barren and desolate.

Then, all of a sudden, the sound of footsteps clattered onto the rubble. As seconds ticked by, small silhouettes started emerging from the ruins.

“Did we succeed?” a voice sounded; the voice of a small boy.

“I think we did.” Another voice replied, also the voice of another small boy.

The small silhouettes stepped out into the light. As the sunlight reached their faces, it became clear that they were all small boys, around the ages of ten or thirteen. Their clothes were tattered and the surfaces of their skin had tiny cuts and bruises. Their eyes were round and large, evidently surprised by the sight before them. Slung over their shoulders were weapons; firearms and guns of every kind.

Slowly and steadily, the boys walked over the land, surveying the landscape. Their breaths came out in short, shallow gasps. Sweat dripped like drops of rain from their foreheads.

Suddenly, there was the sound of heavier footsteps. It grew louder and louder at each step. The boys finally turned to face the tall figure that seemed like a tower before them.

“Good work, boys.” The figure spoke in a hoarse man’s voice. A grin curled his lip. “You have done well.” He continued. “ Let us return to base.”

“Yes sir!” the boys saluted. They knew well how to show respect; in their culture, it was very important.

However, as the boys turned to go, one particular boy lingered, with his back turned on them. His eyes were wide and curious as he looked at his surroundings. A rifle hung from his shoulders.

“We-have-done-well…” he whispered to himself.

Then, the same hoarse man’s voice split the air, like the crack of a whip:

“Ezekiel! We’re going!”

Hi Lil_Pau

What a great start to a story! Let's see what we can do to improve it though...

a mass of debris and destruction on the ground. Buildings looked as if giant termites had been eating away at them. Covering the ground was a layer of debris and rubble.

You told us that debris and rubble covered the ground before. I would suggest not repeating this, as it sounds a little... well... lets say... repetitive.

Then, all of a sudden, the sound of footsteps clattered onto the rubble.

I wouldn't say all of a sudden. I would actually say, something along the lines of, "Then, out of the deafening silence, a rush of footsteps slowly rose over the desolate landscape."

“Did we succeed?” a voice sounded; the voice of a small boy.

Try: "Did we succeed?" a voice said. It was the voice of a young boy.

As the sunlight reached their faces, it became clear that they were all small boys, around the ages of ten or thirteen.

Perhaps, "As the sunlight illuminated their faces, it became apparent that they were all youths." I think telling us their ages kind of dampens the effect that you want to achieve.

“Yes sir!” the boys saluted. They knew well how to show respect; in their culture, it was very important.

I would slightly modify this to, "'Yes sir.' The boys saluted. They needed to know how to show respect."

You have such an intriguing story line, as well as an intriguing writing style, that I will wait for the next part. Oh, and you can have a nice gold star.

Questions from the reader:
Where are they?
How could the two boys hold all of those weapons?
Who was the large man?
WHAT HAPPENED?

Those are a few things to think about. I was certainly confused, but prologues always are. You'll explain some things in the first chapter, right?

I couldn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes.

I like your writing style, though.

PM me when the next chapter comes out!

MJ

Hi Lil_Pau! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'm dropping in to give you a little hand with this prologue.

As a prologue, I believe that this works very well. I found it engaging, and it leaves the readers asking questions that they will turn the page to find the answers to. There were no spelling or grammar errors either, so you're good on that front.

However, I do have to ask you why you want to have a prologue, as opposed to just making this the first chapter. Unless you can make this stand out as opposed to the rest of the story, you might be better off just making this the first chapter. Having a prologue that just seems like a first chapter with a different name can put off some readers.

That covers my points. Like I said, it's a nice little piece, and I hope that you do a good job with the story that is to follow. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I greatly appreciate all the reviews. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. ^^
I'll start working on the next chapter.

Again, thanks for the reviews!