Do you see me?

Are you really seeing me?
The me that hurts?
The me that needs you to notice,
The one that needs help?
Or are you seeing the me that you want to see?
The one who’s invincible?
Steady and sure?
The smart one, the strong one?
The one who never needs help,
never needs saving,
or a shoulder to cry on?
If cared enough to look then you’d agree
That you’re way better off than me.
You tear me down,
to build yourself up.
I'm hurting on the inside,
but i smile on the out.
It hurts so much,
but no ones ever noticed.
It’s because they don’t want to.
I’m the strong one, remember?
I’m not allowed to be weak
For other’s sakes.
I’m not allowed to cry,
Because it scared others.
I’m not allowed to be me,
Because of what people need me to be.

Wow. I'm not a poet, so i don't know how to critique this, but its amazing. I can totally understand what the poem is about, because thats how i feel. Its powerful and deep, conveying desperation and showing what real courage is. I love it!
Saphirra

Hi there! I'd like to review your poem today.

I think that you have a pretty good concept, but when you put it to words, it doesn't really work out. When I read it, I felt as if you had some difficulties trying to convey your message, especially at the beginning, and I got slightly confused. The end was OK, but you need to improve on the beginning part.

Also, to make your poem more 'attractive,' you should add some of those 'beautiful language,' such as metaphors. This will not make the reader feel bored while reading it.

And also, these lines:


"I'm hurting on the inside,

but i smile on the out."


Don't forget to capitalize the 'i' there!


Anyway, I think you had a good idea, but the only problem is that you can't express it well. Don't give up though; keep trying, kay?

Good luck and keep writing!

Ha ha. Sorry about the great thing I'm eating cereal. So down to business! I really enjoyed this poem! I like the point that you kept it simple and to the point. Your emotions come out clearly and the reader can really understand what you are trying to say. Some recommendations to make it better would be to take out a few verses here and there because it sound like you are repeating the point a bunch, just trying to fill space. Another thing you could try is using one kind of big word somewhere just to give it some texture. Hoped it helped!
Kay

oh my gosh. im crying! that is so full of emotion. and its how i feel all the time. im so sorry if thats how you feel too.
its very well written. its not very often that someone can capture so much emotion in a poem, but with this one you can feel the person's pain. you feel it as if its your own. you feel the need to have to hide everything in yourself, so noone sees it.
keep on writing!

Gemini wrote:If you cared enough to look then you’d agree

but I smile on the out.
It hurts so much,
but no one has ever noticed.
It’s because they don’t want to.
Because it scares others.

I don't really get the last line, sorry. Can you clarify?
Great poem. Just made some changes.