Never Know (Rock)

(Pretty Calm)
Walking through the corpse...
looking at the children that once cried in pain…
Seems like Jesus never came…
Well who are we to blame,
But ourselves!
------------------------------
(Rough and Calm)
So let’s free some more rockets!
Put the dead in Gods pockets!
And blame Jesus 'cause he wasn't here
Oh I feel his tears in my skin!
He still is trying to clean our sin!
But we bring them in more…
Then we beg him to open another door…
We started to destroy Earth long ago…
If we will take it away from God…
I hope I will never know!
-----------------------------------
(Pretty Calm)
As I grab my friend in battle…
Knowing that his heart will stop…
His blood all over my hand, (drop, drop…)
I didn’t even get a chance to say good bye…
Where do we go when we die?
Do we go to heaven or do we fry?
-------------------------------------
(Rough and Calm)
I will never know!
It’s my great fear!
That I am afraid to hear…
I only wish that Jesus would arrive!
Then I wouldn’t fear to leave my hive!
Seems like my life will be taken by the wraith…
Sadly I can't run, it’s my Faith…
We started to destroy Earth long ago…
If we will take it away from God…
I hope I will never know!
------------------------
(Guitar Solo)
-----------
(Echoing)
I will never know!
I will die before I will know!
I will never know!
--------------------------------------
(Rough and Calm)
Now it’s time for me to go!
Die in the first battle row!
Seems like sooner or later I will know!
It’s time for me to face life!
It’s time for me to say my last dying pray…
No, I can’t leave, I have to stay…
Angels take me away!
We started to destroy Earth long ago…
If we will take it away from God…
I hope I will never know!
-----------------------------------
If we will take it away from God!
I hope I will never know!

WOW, that is really good, it rhymes well, there is a good rhythm to the song and it'd be nice if we could hear the song. It gives out a good message as well, is it that 'god gave us all so much and yet we are destroying what he gave us?' Because I really like it and the use of words and the way you wanted Jesus to be here now. Very good. I'd like to hear it.

^_^ Here as requested, though I was about to stop in anyways. =D

I. First Impression

Alright. After reading this through once, I was left with a solid message. It's hard to articulate in words, but it feels like you're talking about war {obviously} and how we kind of just want to turn away. What I grabbed on to most was the part where the narrator was talking about fearing death, and it's kind of a theme throughout here. Like, sometimes if you're afraid on a rollercoaster, you'll close your eyes right? So you don't have to SEE if you're plummeting to your death or not. THAT was kind of the message I got from this whole poem -- wanting to turn away, not know exactly how horrible the death was.

Now, I don't know if that's what you were going for at all, but I thought my take on it could help you see how it comes off to readers! =D Well, or listeners. Teehee.

II. Stanza by Stanza

Walking through the corpse...
Looking at the children that cried in pain…
Seems like Jesus never came…
Well who are we to blame,
But our selves!

I really like that first line a lot, because it has imagery and deeper meaning, but it disappoints me that you leave it all by itself without a rhyming line. That could be for emphasis, but I think that, if it comes at the very beginning of the song like this, it will be forgotten unless you super emphasize it with the music. D; Because you have references to religion throughout here too, it's very important because it could symbolize not only the people dead because of war, but Jesus dead for sins as well.

As for the children that cried in pain, I think it would be more powerful if you could say 'that once cried in pain', unless you are talking about them still crying in pain. I like the rhyme between the lines of 'came' and 'blame' a lot -- it's a powerful section. C:

So let’s free some more rockets!
Put the dead in Gods pockets!
Then we blame that Jesus wasn’t here…
Oh I feel his tears in my skin!
He still is trying to destroy our sin!
But we bring them in more…
Then we beg him to open another door…
We started to destroy Earth long ago…
If we will take it away from God…
I hope I will never know!

I think that the first half of this stanza completely overshadows the second half, and that's kind of bad since the second half is what's repeated kind of like a chorus. Let's deal with the first half first. ;D I absolutely ADORE the way you've said this. We kill the people, then weigh God down with them, and blame it on Jesus because he's not here to defend himself. Like, that's brilliant, but it needs a better execution, especially with the line about Jesus. You could say 'And blame Jesus 'cause he wasn't here' or something like that? ^_^

The next two lines (the '-in' lines) are the weakest of the bunch. They seem kind of cliche, and although they're meant to inspire emotion, they fall short after the scene you lay out in the first part. I mean, that's just my opinion. =D Maybe you want to have some calmer things in there to give the listeners a chance to focus on the previous lines. I bet it depends on how you'll pull it off with music. C:

The last part about the door and the Earth is okay, but it gets tangled up in itself. What does the narrator hope he/she will never know? Like I said, I can reach for him/her not wanting to know how the Earth will die, but if you want, you can try to make it clearer! =D

As I grab my friend in battle…
Knowing that his heart will stop…
His blood all over my hand, drop, drop…
I didn’t even get a chance to say good bye…
Where do we go when we die?
Do we go to heaven or do we fry?

It's a powerful image that is kind of shattered by the words 'drop drop'. The only way I could see that working is if you like paused in the song and made it quiet and had the words 'drop drop' echoing over and over for a little bit with some thin notes behind it. =] Otherwise, try reworking it so it will support itself. =D I like the second part of this a lot, because the 'fry' really brings the song back down to Earth, so to speak. It's solid and gritty. ^_^ -thumbs up-

I will never know!
It’s my great fear!
That I am afraid to hear…
I only wish that Jesus would arrive!
Then I wouldn’t fear to leave my hive!
Seems like my life will be taken by the wraith…
I guess it’s my Faith…

This part could be really poignant, because you're breaking away from metaphors here and coming out to say feelings. I don't like some of the lines though, especially the one that ends in 'hive' because I think it's just put there to rhyme. D: Those two lines, together, both seem clunky and need to be reworked to be more streamlined.

I don't understand the 'wraith' and 'Faith' lines though. Whatever meaning I try to put in them, it just slips out, so I don't know if you have any way to clarify it or something. D:

Now it’s time for me to go!
Die in the first battle row!
Seems like sooner or later I will know!
It’s time for me to face life!
It’s time for me to say my last dyeing pray…
No, I can’t leave, I have to stay…
Angels take me away!

The last line of this passage can be really strong with the right melody behind it. It'll be fantastic. But the rest of this, to me, seems like filler. There's no new message in here -- it kind of seems like explaining all the other ones, and I don't know that you need that. =D

III. Overall

Once again, I think there's a good message here that you've strung through all levels of these lyrics, but I think you could afford putting some extra effort in cleaning it up a little bit and making it smoother. However, keep in mind that if this is exactly the message you want to portray, you shouldn't change things that change your message. This is your art and though I can give you my opinion on it, you should keep it at a place where you're comfortable with it.

It's really quality work! I'd love to hear it with its intended music!

-Hannah-

Thank you, I will change it a little bit. This song has lots of messages that do with God, Religion, fear, and war. You can decide about what you think about this song.

Hey, my fellow countryman.

Once again, you have a lot of expression and (it seems) somewhat held-back emotion in a song, which is, of course, a good thing. As many of us know, writing is one of the best ways to express oneself. However, because I think you're kind of letting it all out through lyrics, you have to be careful of the way you're doing it – it might come out as a little all over the place. What I think you should do is plan exactly what you want to say/tell/etc with a certain song, and try to avoid the slight rambling.

Unfortunately, I'm one of the kind people who are pretty hard to impress with a rhyming song or poem. I can't really write them myself, because I always feel like I can't express something well enough because I have to make it rhyme. And usually it happens that the rhyme comes out very awkward and insignificant for the rest of the poem. It's like "To me, your glance is like a flower, / and you don't live in ivory tower." Though it rhymes, it doesn't make any sense and the rest, whatever it could be after that, would be somewhat ruined. I felt the rhyming being just for the sake of rhyming at least in these parts:

Knowing that his heart will stop…
His blood all over my hand, (drop, drop…)

Where do we go when we die?
Do we go to heaven or do we fry?

(Although, in this part, the message is pretty strong)

I only wish that Jesus would arrive!
Then I wouldn’t fear to leave my hive!

When we look at your rhyming scene in the verses individually, we get this (choruses not inlcuded):

1. AABCCDDEFE

2. ABBCCDDAEA

3. AAABCCCADA

So it's a little – forgive the already-used expression – all over the place. Though I don't know that much about lyric writing, it's probably not so strict as I feel it is with poetry.


Then, some randomnesses:

It’s time for me to say my last [s]dyeing[/s] dying pray…

He still is trying to destroy our sin!

I'm not sure, but I don't feel that 'destroy' is the best word for this. It might be a little too harsh, seeing as Jesus is the symbol of good and pure – destroy is just... gory. =)

***


Well, I have to say that my review is a bit all over the place as well. I like the fact (and I may have said this before) that you seem to plan the whole entity pretty well, with all the 'Calm' and 'Rough' places, and you clearly know already what it's going to sound like. Respect for that. Also, I came to notice that even though you have one quite clear message in, the attention for it may get distracted by some or all the things that have been pointed out.

However, I admire you for basically having a whole album written already. This is clearly your thing – just pay attention to the polishing phase. =)

Keep doing whatever you feel comfortable with!


Demeter
xxx

Thanks alot! I will take all that in mined. But I think that you are pretty good in lyrics after I reviewed your song.

Hmm... I think I like this the most of all your lyrics. Just a personal preference, of course. The rhyming is good, sometimes even great, the song flows quite smoothly, and the lines don't feel forced. Good job Robert! Still, there are some things that need correction.

But our selves!

a good line, but "our selves" is written together. It's "ourselves"

His blood all over my hand, (drop, drop…)

What are the brackets supposed to mean here? I think it'd be better if you just take them off.

Seems like my life will be taken by the wraith…
I guess it’s my Faith…

here the second line is too short. Try to come with something to make it longer. For example making it "it's just my faith" or somethin'.

I liked this song. I'd like to hear you sing it, and I could play it with the guitar. Good work friend!

Yes, we can do that together! It could be a sad Imperial Guard song. I am just kidding, but we can try play and sing it!

Well, to be honest, I’m making this review to make more points so I’ll can make a new post because now I can’t because of this weird rules… also that I feel obligated because you are the only person that replies my lyrics lol.
Anyway, I see this is a song that speaks about the real Jesus right?
I liked the song, I read it like 4 times because I was thinking this song will be one of my very very favorites if disturbed could sing it, have you have a band to sing your songs?
You're a very dark 13 year old boy lol, I remember when I was 13, I didn’t wrote songs like this, my songs where like the Beatles or something like that.
Again. Great song, it would be exciting to hear it.
I think you need to change something, don’t really know but I think there is a little problem. Well, I need to go review something else

P.S.

Senioreta Quezada
That would be on English Miss Quezada
And I’m a man dude lol

Wow. I really really liked this. Nice job.
I gave you a star! It's so incredibly amazing, really.
My only critique and this isn't a critique at all. Is to either sing it and post a link or if you suck at singing find someone who can and post a link. I would absolutely looove to hear how it truly sounds.

Seriously could you do that? It's honestly got me a excited a little bit.

Keep up the good work.
Whooah. ARe you seriously only thirteen.Niiiice job!

Yes I am 13! I can sing it and I have a melody for it but I am tooooooooooo shy. Thank you!