Jamais Quitter [3]

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Aline had slit her wrists on Friday.
The doctors were releasing her today. In all, she had spent three nights in the hospital, meaning that today was Monday.
As soon as Savannah arrived with clothes for Aline to change into, she could leave. She had signed her released papers, talked to the doctors, the whole shebang. She only needed Savannah and a bag of clothes.
With the sheets pulled back off the bed, Aline hung her legs over the edge. She kicked back and forth, watching her feet swing in the air like lengthy trapeze artists. Then, putting her thumb and index finger on her knee, Aline gathered skin and pinched it. It didn't feel like much, maybe a small bug biting her. She let go and pinched herself with her nails.
That didn't hurt much at all either.
What were the most sensitive parts of the human body? They had taught her in Anatomy, but now Aline couldn't remember.
Just as one came to mind (the neck) and she had brought her fingers to her throat, there was a knock on the door and Savannah walked in. She was staring at Aline blankly and holding a duffel bag.
Aline was quick to put her arm down to her side.
“Hi, Aline,” Savannah said, as if speaking to a child. “How you feeling?”
“Oh, you know,” Aline said.
Though Savannah looked like she was waiting for a reply, Aline had no intention of finishing her sentence. Instead, she jumped off the bed and took the bag from Savannah.
Aline dug through it, finding a black shirt, a pair of jeans, a bra, and underwear. Honestly, Aline was surprised Savannah had found anything in the mess on her side of their room.
When Aline handed the bag back, she noticed Savannah was staring at her wrists, which were still wrapped in bandages.
“Really,” Savannah began, finally removing her eyes from Aline's wrists and staring her in the face, “how are you feeling?”
Aline bit her lip and feigned a smile. “I feel like I want to put my own clothes on.”
It took Savannah a moment to compose herself. She smiled a little, muttered, “Sorry,” and left the room.
Aline closed the door behind her.
She'd never had a conversation with Savannah before now, or at least not one longer than a greeting. Now, Aline had a feeling her roommate would try and get buddy-buddy with her. That was the last thing she needed: a lively, religious girl trying to be her friend.
With a single movement, Aline slipped the sack-shaped hospital gown over her head. She examined her body now, while it was naked and exposed. Something tempted her to find other areas to pinch, prod, scratch but she knew she shouldn't.
Aline walked to the other side of the room, then back to her bed. Her body felt liberated without any clothes on.
With reluctance, she started to dress. One leg through her panties, then the other, leaning on the bed so she didn't fall over. Aline always found bras awkward, but she felt more awkward without one and put it on anyway. Shirt and jeans next. Once finished, Aline went to the door and let Savannah back in.
Savannah crept in slowly with a weak smile still plastered on her face. Aline watched as her eyes first looked at the bandages on Aline's wrists, then came back up to her face. Aline realized it was going to be a problem keeping anyone's eye contact for a few weeks.
“Can you leave now?” Savannah asked. She looked around the room with wide eyes, as if a doctor would poof in and inform Aline that she had forgotten to sign this or that form.
“Yeah,” Aline muttered. She rubbed the tips of her fingers on her jeans. The fabric felt foreign. Looking down at her hand, she felt the fabric a few more times, spreading her palm then pulling it together so her fingers ran over it.
“Are you... okay?” Savannah whispered.
Laying her hand flat against her leg, Aline jerked her head up. She had forgotten Savannah was there.
“Sorry. Let's go.”
Aline walked past her and out there door.
What an idiot thing to do, she thought to herself. The feel of denim had been forgotten, even though she had only been in the hospital for four days. Aline had gotten used to the sterile bed sheets. Her jeans had distracted her and she had looked like a nut case because of it. Savannah was probably going to be extra careful to get a word in about reading the Bible and going to church, since she must now think Aline was more than a little psychotic.
When Aline came out into the hallway, she realized she had no idea how to get out of the hospital.
It frightened her. She had been brought here with no memory of ever having come in, ever passing through the doors. Now that she could leave, she didn't know how.
Chuckling a little to get rid of the fright, Aline thought about how ironic that really was. Maybe it meant she wasn't supposed to leave.
Savannah cut in front of her and, thankfully, continued walking. Aline hadn't wanted to follow her out, simply because it felt like something a weak person would do, but she also didn't want to have to ask for directions. That would be worse.
As Aline followed behind Savannah, her head lowered as far as it could without loosing sight of her guide. Suddenly, someone grabbed her shoulder. Aline's first reaction was to flinch and grab for the hand resting on her shoulder. When she made contact with the warm thing, she felt embarrassed, dropped her hands, and turned around. She wondered if Savannah had stopped, too.
It was Manfried. He held file folders crowded with papers and had that same crooked smile on his face.
“So you are leaving today?”
His eyes appraised her body, now in normal clothing. Aline felt something sick flood into her stomach when his gaze crawled down her, but reminded herself it wasn't strange. She had done the same thing to him, anyway.
Aline nodded.
“And you will come see me on Thursday?”
Rather than affirming, Aline said, “They never told me what time.”
“Between two and four. I do not have a big schedule that day, so come when it is good for you.”
Aline nodded again. When I nurse had come up to Manfried to ask something, she turned around quickly, only to find Savannah wasn't there.
When she turned back, Manfried was walking away.
Well, damn, now she'd have to ask.
“Excuse me,” she whispered, catching up with Manfried.
He turned around. The crooked smile was still there. Aline wondered if it was his work face.
“Could you tell me how to get out--”
“Aline! I turned around and you were gone.”
Savannah had come out of no where, grabbing her arm and pulling her away from Manfried before she could say another word. Out of pure politeness, she waved to him while being dragged down the hall.
“I was speaking to my psychologist,” she whispered.
Savannah looked concerned and scrunched her eyebrows, as if contemplating the fact that Aline had a psychologist.
After a few more steps down the hospital halls, Aline cleared her throat and said, “Could you please let go of my arm?”
“Oh!” Savannah let her go and took a step away, putting her hand over her mouth in shock. “Do you not like being touched? I am so sorry! Please, forgive me. It's a habit. I do it with all my friends.”
Aline wanted to laugh, but didn't want Savannah to know she was capable of that emotion.
“I just don't like random strangers touching me.”
Savannah started walking again and Aline followed.
When they got in Savannah's car, Savannah started the engine, put her seatbelt on, but didn't pull the car out.
“Aline, I hope you don't mind me being so up front, but I have to say this.”
Leaning her head on the cold car window, Aline prepared for a Biblical speech of Horrific Proportions.
“Okay,” she whispered into the glass.
“I didn't think I was a random stranger. I'm your room mate. I don't know anything about you. I'm only your room mate, for Pete's sake--” Aline chuckled to herself. This girl never cussed, did she? “--but I brought you clothes, and I'm taking you home from the hospital, and I checked on your status late at night and...”
There was a pause and a deep breath which sounded to Aline like the kind of noise the Big Bang must have made right before it banged.
“I found you in the tub.”
Aline didn't know what to say. Of course Savannah had found her; the doctors had told her that. Someone had to find her, or how else was she in the hospital? Aline had forgotten that. She closed her eyes and quietly took a deep breath. What was it like to find someone naked and bloody?
“I found you. There was blood everywhere – still is. I'm so sorry. I wanted to clean it before you came back but I couldn't do it. I want to clean it because I had nightmares, too. Every time I woke up and had to brush my teeth or go pee, I had to go in there knowing your blood was on the tub and on the floor. I thought you were dead. I thought, I don't even know this girl and she's dead. What could I have done to save her?”
There was a muffled crying noise from Savannah's side of the car. Had Aline been more like Savannah, she would have patted her on the shoulder and said something nice. Instead, she kept her head against the window and her eyes closed.
“Can you promise me you won't do it again? It's selfish, but I don't want to think about your blood ever again. I don't want you to die either. I don't know you and I love you, Aline. How can I help you?”
The crying noise got louder, almost stifling the words. Aline wished she would burst into tears and choke up just so she wouldn't talk anymore.
“There is so much in life to live for. I always see your books; they're everywhere. Don't you want to read more books? Live for little things if you have nothing big to live for. There are big things too, though. God is up in heaven looking down at you, and He wants you to--”
Aline couldn't take it anymore. She turned towards Savannah and without expression said, “I don't believe in god. Can you just drive to the campus, please?”
The crying noise disappeared immediately. The car was shifted into reverse, Savannah pulled out from the parking spot, and before long they were driving towards the university campus.
Neither said a word to the other until Savannah had parked her car in front of their building.
“Just promise me you won't do it and I'll never mention God again,” Savannah whispered.
“I promise I won't bleed in the bathtub, unless I'm menstruating or accidentally cut myself shaving. If that's what you meant.”
Aline got out of the car, slammed the door, and started walking to their building.
Last edited by Emerson on Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Yay! Finally, chapter 3! I feel like it's been years. xD


She had signed her released papers, talked to the doctors; the whole shebang.

That semicolon should be a comma, since they're not really separate thoughts.

They had taught her in anatomy, but now Aline couldn't remember.

I'm assuming "anatomy" is the name of a class Aline takes, in which case it should be capitalized.

Honestly, Aline was surprised she had found anything in the mess on her side of their room.

I think you should change "she" to Savannah, since Aline's not the one who found the clothes.


Now, Aline had a feeling her room mate would try and get buddy-buddy with her.

Roommate's one word.

The feel of denim had been forgotten, even though she had only been in the hospital for four days.

I think at the beginning, you mentioned that Aline hada been at the hospital for three days. *Goes to check* Wait, scratch that. You'd said three nights. xD Me = smart!

I am so sorry! Do you not like being touched? I am so sorry!

Repetition is tacky. I'd get rid of that second "I am so sorry!"

There are big things too though.

Comma between too and though.

I don't believe in god.

God should be capitalized. However, if you intentionally left it lowercase to symbolize that He means nothing to Aline, I'd understand that.



Another great chapter. Your plot is developing at a good pace, and the characterization is more evident now that you've introduced us to Savannah. Nice work!
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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SUZER SISTER BRUISER! I went and quickly skimmed part two to refresh my memory.

---

As soon as Savannah arrived with clothes for Aline to change into, she could leave. She had signed her released papers, talked to the doctors, the whole shebang. She only needed Savannah and a bag of clothes.

Typo-ski. o_o

Though Savannah looked like she was waiting for a reply, Aline had no intention of finishing her sentence. Instead, she jumped off the bed and took the bag from Savannah.

Maybe just say "took the bag from her", since it's clear that it is Savannah, and I feel like that name is coming up a lot.

That was the last thing she needed: a lively, religious girl trying to be her friend.

Hm. Since there's no evidence so far that Savannah is religious, maybe point out a quick something? A cross necklace hanging on her chest maybe?

It was Manfried. He held file folders crowded with papers and had that same crooked smile on his face.
“So you are leaving today?”

Oh wow, I can't believe he just grabbed her shoulder, how forward this man here is, he is. Anyway, I think this little scene is important for the two characters, as it shows a little bit of his character's nature, and a little bit of hers. He's the type of guy to just grab somebody's shoulder, and she's frightened and embarrassed by that type of warm contact. Interesting... verrrrrry interesting.

His eyes appraised her body, now in normal clothing

Oh, snap! And then he goes and does that. Total line of intimacy is now set up.

Aline nodded again. When I nurse had come up to Manfried to ask something, she turned around quickly, only to find Savannah wasn't there.

Stupid girl, Savannah, not even paying attention.

“I promise I won't bleed in the bathtub, unless I'm menstruating or accidentally cut myself shaving. If that's what you meant.”
Aline got out of the car, slammed the door, and started walking to their building.

HA. Cute. And nasty, toward Savannah anyway.

Savannah seems like the typical I-did-not-pick-this-roommate roommate, which, having had four roommates in my two years of college (THIS DOES NOT REFLECT ON ME AT ALL AS A PERSON, I SWEAR), does happen. I mean, you don't really know the girl, you get on a respectful line of communication with her, but you never know her. This is what Savannah feels like. And, I was totally thinking "I do not like this girl, I do not like her", until her little speech at the end. Now, I kinda feel for her. I feel like she's a good contrast to Aline. She cares deeply merely because she is supposed to care (she even said she loved her! I don't think she means it, but feels she's supposed to say it).

But anyway, yes, Savannah is a total contrast to Aline. Which I like. I enjoyed their conversation anyway, and the dialogue. So, I think it necessary to always keep her somewhere in the storyline, just for contrast. And yeah, there is a sort of intimacy created between the two characters mainly because Savannah found her and, it can be said, essentially "saved" her. That is important.

This was a good part! I don't have a lot of criticism, do I? Oh well! I'm liking this story and I'll comment on anything I see as off while I read it, but right now I'm enjoying it so I will say that. :P

<3

Clo
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Okay. So I'm really happy. I've finished my math, and I've read this, which is becoming sort of an amazing story.

So I love your characters. They seem so much like real people, it's hard to realize that they are made up in your head. I love to live in their shoes, and their sticky situations. Like Clo said, I think Savannah is that type of girl that would rather not be with Aline, but is stuck with her anyway. I like it; it's a nice contrast.

So, this story is really good. I can barely find anything to complain about. I just wish you'd post more, like now. It's that good.

Thanks for the talk tonight, Suzanne! And post more! I'll get to it sooner next time.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hi there!

I've been following up with the chapters. So far, I really liked the pace of the story. It was really entertaining and done in an unexpected, unique way. Also, like BigBadBear mentioned, the characters are really good. Very alive and realistic.

I look forward to more of your work. :D
Keep up the good work, and keep writing! ^^
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