Un-named

Can you hear me? Be honest, do you really, truely, hear me? Not only what I'm saying, but the things I don't. The little things I don't really want anyone to know, like how the lady sitting at a table across from me needs to go on a diet cause her ass is huge.
Can you hear me screaming inside for the only one that ever really did hear me? I doubt you can, she was the only one.
But now she's gone, not dead like in most cliche love stories, though I guess that's what this is. I almost wish she was dead in a way. Don't get me wrong, I love her. Honest to whatever diety runs this damn world. But if she were dead, I think it would be less painful. Because the only reason she's gone is because I pushed her away. I'm the one that made the sparkle in her beautiful eyes dim, and then fill with tears.
That ache in my heart that started the day she left is all because of what I did. And now five years later I'm sitting in a cafe writting all this down, trying to get that ache to go away.

At first glance she was a pretty girl, but then most are. Pretty, but not one you'd do a double take at, some never took that first look. To my knowledge, I was the only one who looked that second time, though it did take me awhile. I'm glad I did, I found the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet, inside and out. She was better looking than any Victoria's Secret model Miss World mix you could ever come up with. She had more brains then Einstien and a bigger heart than a whale. her outllook on life was more interesting than Plato and Socrates put together. And what most amazing was she was as blind to this as everyone else.

Hello, Bueberry! I'm going to review your story, so, here we go...

Be honest, do you really, [s]truelly[/s] truly, hear me?

But now,[/b] she's gone, not dead like in most cliche love stories, though I guess that's what this is.

Because the only [s]readon[/s] reason [s]sh'e[/s] she's gone is because I pushed her away.

And now,[/b] five years later, I'm sitting in a cafe [s]writting[/s] writing all this down, trying to get that ache to go away.

At first glance she was a pretty girl, but then, most are.

She had more brains [s]that[/s] then[s]Einstien[/s] Einstein

Her outlook on life was more interesting than Plato and Socrates put together.

Hey, I'm learning about Plato and Socrates. Sorry for the random comment.

And what most amazing was she was as blind to this as everyone else.

I'd change this to: The most amazing thing was, she was as blind to this as everyone else.

Overall, this was a good, solid start. I'm interested to see what you have in store for this. Keep writing!

Hi,
Great story! I love how you thought of it while washing the dishes. I'm horrible for that. I actually have a book that I write all my ideas down in so I won't forget. Now on to your review.

All my edits, concerns and comments will be in bold.

Can you hear me? Be honest, do you really, truly, hear me? Not only what I'm saying, but the things I don't. The little things I don't really want anyone to know, like how the lady sitting at a table across from me needs to go on a diet cause her ass is huge. - A little harsh, but terribly funny!
Can you hear me screaming inside for the only one that ever really did hear me? I doubt you can, she - I'd italicize that, for emphasize. was the only one.
But now she's gone. Not dead like in most cliche love stories, though I guess that's what this is. I almost wish she was dead in a way. Don't get me wrong, I love her. Honest to whatever diety runs this damn world. But if she were dead, I think it would be less painful. Because the only reason she's gone is because I pushed her away. I'm the one that made the sparkle in her beautiful eyes dim, and then fill with tears.
That ache in my heart that started the day she left is all because of what I did. And now five years later I'm sitting in a cafe writing all this down, trying to get that ache to go away.

At first glance she was a pretty girl, but then most are. Pretty, but not one you'd do a double take at, some never took that first look. To my knowledge, I was the only one who looked that second time, though it did take me awhile. I'm glad I did, I found the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet, inside and out. She was better looking than any Victoria's Secret model Miss World mix you could ever come up with. She had more brains then Einstien and a bigger heart than a whale. Her outlook on life was more interesting than Plato and Socrates put together. And what most amazing was she was as blind to this as everyone else.

I really enjoyed this, just watching the spelling errors. These are only suggestions so you do not have to listen to me. Always make sure to check then double check your work, though.

Keep up the good writing! I look forward to more of this story

Love,
N

Hi bueberry! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'm dropping in to give you some help with this story!

This is a well put together little piece of work. I see no big grammatical errors, nor anything else that looks out of place. Overall, this is a solid bit of writing.

But, I have to question something about it. It doesn't seem much like a story, or an essay, more like something you might write while getting inside a character's head. This isn't a bad thing, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that some people aren't receptive to such things. They'll say stuff like, "This makes no sense," and not give you a very good review. I'm not saying this to get you in trouble or anything. I'm giving you a piece of advice, so that you can be better prepared for such stuff in the future.

So, like I said, a very solid piece of writing, but not quite a full story. PM me if you have any questions about what I've said. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice