The Celebrindal

Howdy! Thanks for clicking on this thread. >w>
Even if you don't finish it, I'd love a comment on what you did read.
Oh~ this is (obviously) not complete.

The Celebrindal

The roaring ocean was just beyond Anna's open window. A chilling, salty breeze woke her from a pleasant sleep. She pushed away the white sheets and lay still. Fluttering and billowing, her window's pearly curtains occasionally brushed against her bare skin. Anna was amused by the soft tickle as the curtains seemed to playfully caress her. Eventually she rose, and awkwardly set her feet on the sandy floor. Her bed barely rose from the bamboo and stone parquet, so when she did this, her knees came to her chest.

In a lethargic fashion the girl stood, rubbing her eyes vigorously, and softly padded her way to the French doors, which were adjacent to the door opening into the interior hallway. The two connected doors featured splendid, glassy panels that revealed the beach beyond. When she simultaneously opened both doors, a strong gale met her, whipping through her thick, copper hair. Anna was not taken aback by the harshness of the gust, or the pungent smell. While the saltiness was somewhat enjoyable, other odors such as fish amalgamated, creating a unique odor which she fancied.

Wearing only a thin nightgown, she ventured into the bright and vast realm of sand and sea, leaving the doors open behind her. The colors were rich and saturated. The sand was not pale or rough, but soft and golden. The ocean was a vivid and striking azure. Anna placidly ambled towards the water's edge, enjoying the balmy sand and breeze.

After touching her naked toes to the rolling surf and assessing the temperature, the young girl sprang forward, deeper into the frothy waves. Minutes later Anna emerged from the water, with a wondrous grin and sopping hair. She giddily clamored ashore, and sprawled out in abeyance. The blazing sun drew away the wetness, leaving a thin, salty crust on her tanned skin. She slowly pulled her fingers through the tangled mess of crusted hair, and laughed heartily.

"What's so funny?" she heard from behind, and then turned to see Clara, her governess. Clara wore a frivolous, effulgent orange wrap dress, which Anna imagined would taste like overripe mango. "I see you failed to change into appropriate attire for swimming, again?" Clara grumbled in a teasing fashion. After flashing a lavish grin, Clara sat beside Anna and tousled her hair.
"Would you like orange juice with breakfast today, Madame?" she said playfully.
Anna sat up with a wild grin and spoke barely louder than a whisper, "Yes, orange juice would be magnificent!"
"Pancakes?" Clara said in anticipation.
"Of course! What sort of Saturday would it be without pancakes?!" Anna exclaimed in mock horror.
Clara smiled, and then pulled the girl up. "Now go take a shower."

While Anna scampered to the bathroom, Clara began preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Anna returned from her shower just in time to help ladle the last spoonfuls of thick, creamy batter onto the griddle.
"It smells great, Clara. Thanks." she said gratefully, as she piled four steaming cakes onto her plate and lathered them in butter. Clara did the same, then grabbed the pitcher of fresh orange juice out of the refrigerator. Anna found two forks, the syrup and some napkins before leading the way to the outdoor patio.
After taking a seat at the mosaicked table, while Anna was concentrating on shoving the sticky bits of pancake in her mouth, Clara began to hum. The tune was light and wistful, and it reminded Anna of a sea shanty.
"What is that?" she asked with a smile, after taking a swig of tart juice.
"Oh, just an old song. Your mother taught it to me when we went to school together, which was quite some time ago. She knows more about it than me; you'll have to ask her about it when she gets back." Clara mumbled, as she appraised her progress on the pancakes. Then a gleam of remembrance flashed in her eyes and she pulled an envelope out of a well hidden pocket.
"I almost forgot, this came in the post today." she explained.
Anna happily accepted the letter and tore it open clumsily. Her pale eyes darted over the few short lines of script. "It's from Mom and Dad! They've reached Cape Leveque and spent a day on Sunday Island. It says they'll begin the journey to Canberra this weekend, and should be back to Bali in just over two weeks!"
The rest of the meal went without conversation as they lost themselves in thought. That is, until Anna thought to ask about the day's schedule.
Clara replied, "Well, I should do my job and teach you something. But that can wait until after lunch. I say we hop on the sail boat for a few hours. Sound good?"
"Yeah!"
After packing sandwiches, Anna and Clara set off, spending five pleasant hours in the bay before returning. And as Clara had promised, the rest of the day was spent on studies. Before retiring for the night, the girl and her governess agreed to a cup of tea on the beach. The brilliance of the night was insurmountable, and they took delight in every shining star. As Clara gathered the cups and saucers and prepared to return, Anna was caught by a very peculiar noise. It was like a horrendous monster breathing in, and suddenly the roar of crashing waves became eerily muted. The sand now stretched further than usual, and rather than ocean, flopping fish lay near.
"Clara?" Anna asked with frozen lips.
With hesitance, the woman lifted her gaze. Blazing fear poured over her, burning into her nostrils, throat and chest.
"What do we do?" mumbled Anna in a crackling voice. But before Clara could answer, a surge broke the horizon.
Forceful torrents of water came upon the pair, tossing them asunder like rag dolls. Stunned by the swiftness, they could do little more than succumb to the current. The ripping water carried them towards the house while catching every object that had once occupied the shore. Despite the efforts to find each other, both were lost in the rapid waters. Anna's choking gasps and screams were drowned out by the roar and splashes as she bobbed in and out of the blue abyss.

In the utter terror, Anna's mind was dominated by only the drive to survive. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in her abdomen, and the world began to grow faint. She pawed at the newly warm area and discovered a protruding object: it was a shard of her mosaicked table. In seconds an icy clarity fell upon her, followed by a pang of sadness and realization. As the inevitable darkness descended, a vague outline of a ship flashed before her eyes, finally flickering out like the flame of a candle.







There was a soft warmth, then muttering. The words grew louder and louder until they shot streaks of fire from her ears into her head. But there was still a blackness, which could not be reprieved by any amount of noise or sensation. Then, though she hadn't realized it was happening in the first place, the swaying stopped. Her body felt too still for an instant, until she was moved by many fondling hands to slick, chilly surface.

"We are here to honor the ending of a perfect Life cut short." said a stout man in an impatient tone. "This girl will now serve under the captain-" he paused to adjust his spectacles and lean in closer, "Kabric- She will serve Kabric on the Celebrindal." Hushes rippled though the crowd. The man squinted his eyes in agitation to quiet the murmurs. "I want no trouble from you folks. The decision has been made by a power higher than my own."

"But surely, Jyrom, you cannot allow it!. Kabric is no more fit to be captain than I am to be an... an Ojinga! It's an outrage he's still serving after the incident!" a towering figure shouted. He was a shipbuilder, bulky and powerful. In contrast, his eyes had a sparkle of wisdom and gentleness. He continued less gruffly than before, "Haven't enough payed the price for his recklessness? Must more innocent people be lost because of him?!" Water began to swell in his eyes as he looked to the boundless blue sky.

Jyrom glanced down, then lifted his gaze to see the faces of the dozens before him. They were all citizens of Deshrahka. They all deserved to be safe. "I will talk to Court. They will reconsider, certainly." he stated with more resolve after each spoken syllable. Kind words of thanks were rejoiced.

"Who will take the girl now?" asked an Ojinga, crouching oddly. Agitation could be heard in the voice, though it was assumed to be either natural or a reaction to the previous comment.

Suddenly, the sound of clicking boots echoed across the square, alerting the gathered citizens to the arrival of a lanky young man with lemony yellow hair. Unaware of the gaping mouths and horrified expressions, Kabric leapt atop the podium to stand beside Jyrom.

With a charming grin and dramatic bow, he exclaimed, "Please excuse my tardiness, kind people of Deshrahka!" then paused in glee, "I see you even delayed the Revival for me!"

"Get off the stage ya' damn fool! Jyrom agreed to appeal to Court! You'll be demoted fer good!" Harrison shouted and then muttered, "You never should have been acquitted..."

"You heard, Kabric! Get out of here!" a women screamed. In shock, Kabric stared numbly at the crowd which was now throwing various objects his way. His faced flushed deep shades of rose as he processed the entirety of the situation. "I-I..." he stammered, "I never meant to hurt anyone. You know that. Jyrom?"

"They have the right to know they're safe." Jyrom whispered. A bout silence caught the crowd, until the Ojinga once again spoke.

"Idiots! The girl! We haven't the time to waste. Arrangements can be made later, hurry and begin the Revival!"

Severely embarrassed by his negligence, Jyrom waddled down the steps of the elevated platform on which the Grand Podium sat and quickly tottered to the marble slat in the center square. While the crowd turned to watch, Kabric dashed silently away in shame.

"To truly honor this Life," Jyrom said while looking over the girl, "we must give it a second chance. Another beginning. That is why we have come together today. Please hand me the Whiting." When Jyrom's gloved hands were almost wrapped around the sealed jar of Whiting, a jolt from a nearby docking vessel concussed the entire platform on which the square was built and the jar slipped, shattering against the cobblestone in the next instant. Many faces watched in horror as the powder turned a sullen shade of gray.

"The Whiting! It's ruined!" shouted the shipbuilder.

"Nonsense. It's just reacting with the humidity. That's all." Jyrom said weakly before wiping the sweat from his brow. He then let out an anxious chuckle while reaching for a pinch of powder. "I'm sure it's fine." he said, but as he touched the Whiting it fizzled on his fingertips and evaporated completely.

"Hurry!" the Ojinga gasped, "Use a shard of the jar to pick some up!" Jyrom nodded, not questioning the wisdom of the hunched figure. However, as he sprinkled the powder upon the girl, it was clear something was amiss.
The powder hissed and spit violently as it brushed the icy skin of the girl. Dark patches developed on the spots of contact, only to fade in the next instant. Then a chime sounded in the distance. If the girl’s spirit had not been awoken yet, it never would be.

As the wind stirred, bringing mist from the docks across the plaza, the girl’s eyes finally fluttered open. When she rose, Jyrom looked into her pale eyes and became worried. He could see no tranquility in her spirit.

“Do you know who you are?" Jyrom asked pensively.

"I'm....not sure. I definitely don't know who you are though." she said with a smirk.
Surprised by her humor, Jyrom stepped back, staring with wide eyes. "Aren't you going to introduce yourself?" she said with less patience.

After clearing his throat, Jyrom spoke, "Well, child... I am an important person, which is all you need to know. Now, I need to know, do you remember anything?"

"I'm not sure what you think I'm supposed to remember. I know I'm me, but doesn't everyone? What a silly question..."

He breathed a sigh of relief, the Whiting worked after all.

"Wait, do you know where..." the words trailed off as her face contorted in frustration. There was a prickle of ice that numbed her skull when she tried to think. "There is someone. I'm not sure who, but someone. Someone is out there, I need to find them." she whispered.

"Oh, dear...This is not good, not good. No, this is bad. Oh my..." he stuttered. The crowd that had been inching forward now began to murmur and scoot away.

"What have you done?! She's a monster. No one can bring back a part of their mortal lives without corrupting the entire city!" the Ojinga hissed.

"Hush!" he shouted. "The girl will be fine, I'm sure all this nonsense will simply fade away. Am I right, girl?" he said with an edge of malice.

"I-I...I can't make this feeling go away!" she cried. "I'm sorry. There's a hole, in my chest. I know it wasn't always like that. I don't know why. Can you help me?" the girl pleaded, collapsing to the ground.

Jyrom stepped back once again, "No child, we cannot help you. I, like everyone else who inhabits this place and knows of no other land, have been cleansed of our mortality. We have only learned of our past existence through writings that were recorded before time itself drew breath. You belong in neither Heaven nor Hell, yet you lack the body to grace the living. Where you belong, I don't know. But you must leave us, please."

For the first time, the girl took in her surroundings. Not only was there blue sky above her, but below her as well. At the far end of the square protruded wharfs where magnificent ships docked and prepared to set sail into a blue beyond that was not water, but air. In the other direction a clock tower stood, reaching into the clouds far above and dwarfing all other structures of the city below.

"Wait," said the Ojinga, "I should tell the girl her name before she leaves, in case she never remembers her mortal name. Come here girl." Slowly, the girl walked towards the strange figure. "I divine the true names of our spirits," the Ojinga, who upon closer inspection bore no particular resemblance to either gender, explained. "Hmm..." it murmured, taking the hands of the girl and enclosing them in its own. "Demaris. That is your name. May you fare well the journey home and find the one you seek."

Hello, hello!

First off - dialogue grammar! Yours is wrong. :-O
Don't worry, it's a very common mistake. Basically, instead of
"Hello." She said. which is what you have now, it should be
"Hello," she said. See the difference?
Check out this article and you'll be good to go.

Now, the actual story, yes?

There was a soft warmth....Her body felt too still for an instant, until she was moved by many fondling hands to slick, chilly surface.

Okay. So she's just died, right? And now she's waking up (or whatever) in this place (or whatever), and she's aware of the warmth and the muttering and the hands and the surface. And she's hearing all these people (or whatever) talk about Ojingas and Whiting and Revival. And I, as the reader, have no idea what's going on, or what any of that stuff is.

Which - don't get me wrong - that's absolutely fine. But neither should Anna. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd like a little more confusion and feeling on her part. Zomg, I've just died! But...what? Who am I? Where am I? What is this? What's going on? Who are they? What am I doing here? What's an Ojinga? You know? So, while showing us what's happening, I think you could also give us a look into the main character's head. Yes.

This, of course, is all me assuming you want to keep the story in Anna/Demaris' POV. Although I suppose you could also write it in Third Person Omniscient, but then you'd have to include Clara's and Jyrom's thoughts and...yeah, I like what you have. But I'd like more of it, if that makes sense.

Anyway. I think you have done a wonderful job with this so far, with creating a world and characters and plot and all pulled off with smooth writing. Well done. The only suggestion, then, or rather remark, is that it's a bit confusing. I understand that you don't want to give everything away at once, but it's also bad if the reader is going wait, what? through the entire thing. It took me a couple of reads to really see what was going on; and I'm still not sure I've got it.

I'll be looking forward to seeing this develop, so keep writing!
-Mars

Thank you so much! <3
xD I thought I fixed that dialouge thing, oops. n___n;;

I'm so glad you brought up the confusion aspect, I think I need some help.
The problem is, she doesn't really remember living yet, so she doesn't miss it. All she knows of is the now, except for this strange inkling. Have you ever had an operation or procedure with anesthetic that keeps you slightly conscience so you can respond but afterwards you don't remember anything at all? It's really the strangest thing. Actually, it's kinda of what inspired me. So~ to everyone else in Deshrahka, mortal existence is sorta of like remembering being born. You know of it, but certainly can't recall anything about your own. Do you have any thoughts on how I could portray that sort of enigmatic view of their own existence being limited to the present and that it's completely natural and unalarming? (If that makes any sense. n__n;; )
Also, because the 'people' are the true form of their spirits, there's sort of this zen thing I'm going to go into with how they perceive themselves as far as inner contentment and what not.

Hey! I enjoyed reading your story. You had beautiful description and I could really imagine the scenes. Especially the scene in the beginning. I like where you're going with this and it's an interesting plot. I agree with Mars when she says that maybe Anna should be a little more confused. But, if you have a different idea that's fine. So, keep writing! PM me if you add more!

-Colleen

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:Hey! I enjoyed reading your story. You had beautiful description and I could really imagine the scenes. Especially the scene in the beginning. I like where you're going with this and it's an interesting plot. I agree with Mars when she says that maybe Anna should be a little more confused. But, if you have a different idea that's fine. So, keep writing! PM me if you add more!

-Colleen

Thanks! n_n
I will. : D

Eek! It's long! xD
Ah, well. Length is no matter.

Clara smiled, and then pulled the girl up, "Now go take a shower."

That second comma should be a period, dear.

After taking a seat at the mosaicked table,

According to the spell-check, "mosaicked" isn't a word. Perhaps rephrase it?

She knows more about it than me, you'll have to ask her about it when she gets back.

That comma should be a semicolon. Semicolons are used to separate sentences that have similar thoughts. They can also take the place of conjunctions. Don't feel bad, though. A lot of professional authors don't use them correctly either.

They've reached Cape Leveque, and spent a day on Sunday Island. It says they'll begin the journey to Canberra this weekend, and should be back to Bali in just over two weeks!

You don't need those commas before "and". When we read it, we don't pause. Thus, the comma should not be there.

With hesitance, the woman lifted her gaze. Blazing fear poured over her, burning into her nostrils, throat and chest.

You've written the story from Anna's point of view. Since it's not third person omniscient, don't skip around to other people's thoughts or emotions. However, you could say that the fear was evident in Clara's expression.

She pawed at the newly warm area and discovered a protruding object; it was a shard of her mosaicked table.

That semicolon should be just a colon.

an Ojinga!

What in the world is an Ojinga?

[/quote]Jyrom glanced down, then lifted his gaze to see the faces of the dozens before him. They were all citizens of Deshrahka. They all deserved to be safe. [/quote]
Bah! Again! You switch viewpoints!

And that is where I must leave you, since I have spent half an hour on reviewing just a little over half of your story, and I have to go. I'll review the rest at some other time. If I forget, feel free to bug me.

But! I agree with Mars. You don't give enough of Anna's confusion. I mean, she just died. If I just died, I wouldn't just accept it. I'd be freaking out.

Hey! <3 Thanks for the grammar corrections!
xD I thought the same thing about the word mosaicked at first, but I looked it up and it is actually a word.

Alright, I have a really dumb question. I don't really want it to be 3rd person limited, so how can I make it all omniscient? It's particularly important later because I'll be focusing on another character for awhile.

XD The ojinga will be elaborated on soon.

Okay, another dumb question. n_n;;
It's the same as what I said to Mars. It would be great if you could give some advice on how to portray the 'otherworldly' characters' bizarre perception of existence. I really need to let the readers know they aren't human, especially mentally.

I look forward to the rest of your review! <3

Hi, apart from some small mistakes pointed out below, it was good. You used great language and excellent descriptions. I could almost picture the scene. I would suggest that you break it up into smaller bits, as when I first looked at it, it did seem long and intimidating. Posting it in parts makes it easier to digest!

"Now, go take a shower."

^^ Notice the comma? There should always be some form of punctuation where a pause is present when reading, or in speech!

"Oh, just an old song. Your mother taught it to me when we went to school together, which was quite some time ago. She knows more about it than me; you'll have to ask her about it when she gets back." Clara mumbled, as she appraised her progress on the pancakes.

Hmmm, this is good! I like it. It is a subtle, but yet imposing way of describing the relationship of the characters! Nice work!

That is, until Anna thought to ask about the day's schedule.

that caught me off guard, you say it like you are speaking. You should change the 'that is' to something else.

As Clara gathered the cups and saucers and prepared to return

This should be a new paragraph. My English teacher had this thing, TiP ToP,
'Ti" = time
'P' = Place
'To' = Topic
'P' = Person
Anytime one of the above changes, you start a new paragraph. This is skipping from the dinner/deck setting to the (What I take is a ) tsunami.

"What do we do?" mumbled Anna in a crackling voice. But before Clara could answer, a surge broke the horizon.

Forceful torrents of water came upon the pair, tossing them asunder like rag dolls. Stunned by the swiftness, they could do little more than succumb to the current. The ripping water carried them towards the house while catching every object that had once occupied the shore. Despite the efforts to find each other, both were lost in the rapid waters. Anna's choking gasps and screams were drowned out by the roar and splashes as she bobbed in and out of the blue abyss.

I want to hear/read more about the powerlessness that they felt. This seems to me that you were rushed while writing, and you haven't put as much descriptions in as you do with the rest if the piece.

As the inevitable darkness descended, a vague outline of a ship flashed before her eyes, finally flickering out like the flame of a candle.

Again, this is really quick. I feel that there should be more here. Expand on what your character is feeling.
The next part should also have some *** separating the paragraphs. This assures that the reader knows what happens. I was a bit lost until I realized that they were at a funeral.

Okay, I think that this got me entirely off guard, or you haven't explained this clearly enough. Really, I have no idea what is going on. Could you please explain what has happened, in another post. I do want you to continue with this, as it has a promising beginning. But what you have here makes no sense to me. Please post what you are trying to say in a reply. Then I can help you make it clear. I want to see this story develop... Keep writing!

Hello again, Sura! Sorry it took me so long, but I'll try and elaborate/help/reply to your reply to my reply.

Do you have any thoughts on how I could portray that sort of enigmatic view of their own existence being limited to the present and that it's completely natural and unalarming?

Ooh! That is interesting, and certainly a cool (and *ahem* ambitious) idea. I didn't get that, because right now, it reads like we should know what's going on; as if there's a prequel that explains everything that I missed. So. Yes. Now that I know a bit more about what's going on, I'm going to give you the same advice again!

Let's get into Anna's head!

I can see you getting frustrated. xP Let's get into Anna's head, but in a different way. As I and the other reviewers have mentioned, the way it's written now doesn't...really...work...so! Even though I know you want her to be unaware of a past, it's still a part of her, right? What if she were all cool and calm and unaware, but subconsciously she could feel her other life wriggling around under her skin? Then you could show how she searches her (empty) brain, wonders what that lacking feeling is, gives up but still knows that something's amiss. Etc, etc.

Hah, you can't get around it! No matter what, we need more from Anna in this part. She is your MC, after all. ^_____^

Also-you said it's like being born? You know of it but can't recall? So does Anna know of her rebirthing as soon as she is rebirthed (or reincarnated/woken up/Whiting'd/whatever)? So could you say something like:
Anna tested out her limbs, stretching out her arms and legs one at time. Next she examined her brain, pulling out all the drawers. They were empty, except for the last one, which contained a wealth of knowledge about...[info]
I mean, that's horrible writing. And it should be a lot more subtle than that. But you get what I mean.

I don't really want it to be 3rd person limited, so how can I make it all omniscient? It's particularly important later because I'll be focusing on another character for awhile.

Ah! A ha! As Explosive Pen, I noticed a switched viewpoint but didn't mention it because...I don't remember. Anyway, this could help! Because you could have Jyrom tell us what we need to know! Eg he knew that... or, you know, something. But yeah! Then you could have zen, unalarmed Anna, but a happy reader!

Anyway, to your actual question. I'm copying this verbatim from this article:

Caligula's Launderette wrote:3rd Person Omniscient - The Teller is unknown, the actor is he/she/it, no limits. Third Person Omniscient is where there are no holes barred. The writer can do whatever he/she wants. The narrator can be a god-like, omniscient narrator who knows everything, sees everything, and then it can jump into one characters head, to another's, to another's, and back and forth between all points.

Some say this is the easy way to write because there are no constrictions on it, the writer does not have to focus on one certain thing. Codswallop! -- Third person Omniscient is just as hard as any other POV, maybe even harder because you have to cover everything.

So yes. I don't have much more to say on this, except that if you do have TPO, I suggest inserting a few more of Clara's thoughts in the beginning before the storm. That way, when we hear what Jyrom's thinking, we don't start hyperventilating - but I thought this was Anna's story! Or if Jyrom is going to be the other main character, it could be just his and Anna's thoughts. Or whatever. Have fun. Experiment!

I really need to let the readers know they aren't human, especially mentally.

Mentally, the only thing I can think of is just to reiterate what I said before; let us know what Anna's thinking, and the other 'people' too if you're going Omniscient. Physically (I don't know if you meant physically as well) I suppose you'd have to have Anna look in the mirror or see the other people and describe them, like you would a normal being. Again, this is fantasy! So play around with it, see what you can come up with, what works and what doesn't.

Sorry for not clearing this up sooner! I hope this helps, and good luck!
-Mars

Hi there. Finished reading.
I noticed some grammar mistakes and pointed them out, but my computer went wacky and I don't particularly want to go back and search for them. In any case, I'm sure you'll notice when you proofread.

I would like to answer your question, but seeing as I never write in third, I can't. However, it appears that Mars did a fine job of that.

So I'll give you an overview.
You give wonderful descriptions. Just be careful not to go overboard. You focus a lot on the visuals, but I'd like some less-abused senses. Sounds and feelings, for example, or smells.
In the second half, after Anna dies, things become terribly confusing. I would, despite my lack of expertise in that area, advise you to write in third person limited. Skipping around is confuzzling.
I would assume that for the better part of the second half, Anna is asleep? This also confuses me, since I never remember her falling asleep.
So, it appears that your story has some loose ends to tie up. Once those are taken care of, I'm sure it'll be great.
Any questions, PM me.

Oh, thanks guys!
I'm sorry I've taken so long to reply.