Avrils Academy Of Cosmic Stars

Celia strolled slowly, tapping her fingers deliberately on the side of the brick walls, looking in awe. How am I doing this? . . . Am I? Celia’s train of such intricate thought was broken by the sharp ring of her mobile phone. Caller Id told her it was Jane. Mum. Her face crumpled for a moment, her mum never called her mobile, what was wrong? The creases in her face ironed out and she tentatively pressed her finger to the answer button
“Hey mu-“
“Get home now Celia” Jane whispered in an urgent and distressed manner.
“Why Wha-?”
“NOW” and the phone went dead.

Beads of sweat broke out on Celia’s forehead. Colour flooded her usually translucent cheeks, as she placed her battered pink phone in her left back pocket. She was two hours away from her home. How on earth am I supposed to get there now? Celia had no clue; her mind was racing a mile a minute, why did she have to get home now? Why did mum sound so antsy on the phone? It wasn’t like Jane to be like that; it took a lot more to scare Jane Bregan than the average person. Fear stuck in the air like an unwanted smell, Celia had no more time to think she had to start walking and fast. Feet strutting along the bustling streets of London, her hair flowing behind her like a long sheet of black satin, and her unnaturally enchanting blue eye’s focused on the road ahead of her. She found herself tutting at every slight obstruction: cat, dog and even buggies. She glanced at her watch; she had been walking for twenty minutes straight. She decided to take a brief three second pause and closed her eyes.

When she opened them again she found herself in a very different place. Her front garden gate. The seconds ticked by as it took her mind to process this. She had made it home within twenty minutes of an average two hour walk. How the hell did I get here? Once again, Celia had many questions but this was not the time. She hurried to the front door and pushed it. It was already open, Crap thought Celia. Crappity crap crap.

Celia went straight to the living room. Empty
“Through here honey “Called Jane from the kitchen voice wavering slightly. Celia walked slowly, catching her breath composing herself better, shaking off her inhibitions and stretching out her hands. With a slight flutter in her stomach, she pushed open the kitchen door. She gasped in response to what had greeted her in the kitchen.

Three men two of which seemed relatively middle aged and the other considerably older, sat around her kitchen table-laden with untouched snacks- smiling up at her. Celia noticed that the two middle aged men wore pale blue cloaks with prominent gold stars and the elder one a navy cloak with star-like
crosses. Hmmmn strange but why is his cloak different Thought Celia looking intensively at the eldest of the three.

“Aaah she’s graced us with her presence at last “whispered the eldest of the men wearing an unfathomable expression. He fondled with his greying beard his eyes burned full of ancient knowledge had not left Celia’s face since the moment she walked in. Celia ignored this, her eyes took in the yellow and pale blue tiles of the ageing kitchen, the thinning, worn lino and the ancient toaster and matching kettle that sat side by side looking ever miserable as they searched for Jane. The room was barely ever used by both of Celia and Jane at the same time. Come to think of it, not for eight months ever since Adam died. Her mind drifted back looking for memories.

The aroma of pancakes drifted throughout the house until it reached upstairs where Celia and Adam had been playing with the family cat smidge.
“Mmmm boy your mummy sure makes great pancakes let’s go and hunt for them Celia” and with that Adam took her on his back and he jumped down the flight of stairs. Adam pushed open the door and . . .
“Rawr” Screamed Celia and Adam at the same time. Jane jumped two feet in the air with grace even though she had been scared. Jane looked ever beautiful she had been wearing a pink and white pinafore her hair pinned up neatly but a few loose curls tumbled around her neck her eyes a chocolate brown warmed, illuminating her face at the sight of her daughter and husband.
“God Adam you scared half the living daylights out of me,” pushing his arm playfully, her eyes moved over to Celia who still was clutching on to Adam’s back “And you, Tiger ” Jane scooped Celia in her arms “I think it’s time the Tiger had her dose of pancakes don’t you? And of course we can’t forget Mr Lion” Jane said placing Celia in her high chair and setting a plate of pancakes and an assortment of fillings on the plate for Adam a bigger version of what was on Celia’s plate. Jane stood watching the two lovingly.

The memory faded
Celia found her and she didn’t like what she saw. There she was pressed up on the farthest kitchen wall her hands clutching her tea which - Celia knew – had gone cold.
This is not good. Why isn’t mum’s hair beautiful? Why is her face full of worry creases?
“Mum what’s going on?”
“I Think you should let us explain” said the youngest of the men not taking his eyes off Celia even though the question was aimed at Jane.
Jane nodded imperceptibly, too frightened too speak.
“Well, Young Star I am under the impression that you know very little about your father?”
Celia nodded, to choked up to speak out of sadness because they spoke of her father or of fear, she knew not.
“Adam Bregan, a cosmic star, a great man, potential to be an ancient one. your father he had powers. Invaluable ones, if he hadn’t . . . umm . . . you know,” he looked very uncomfortable at this point this comforted Celia slightly.
“We probably needn’t have come here but due to his death”, he choked out the word, the man was rambling fortunately the other man came to his rescue. He spoke in a very business like fashion. Celia didn’t approve.
“Since his death the powers in you was awakened. Think hard, have you been able to do things recently that you couldn’t explain especially when you feel calm or happy?” Celia wore a guilty expression.

Of course there had been, just that afternoon she’d been making flower buds blossom before their time just by tapping her fingers on the side of the wall. But before that she was able to do things like catch her keys before the fell and save her ball from sinking though the ball was in the middle of the pond. Celia hadn’t told Jane about any of this so she had to pick her words carefully. She looked directly at her mother,
“So, what’s going on? What’s happening?”
Jane was white with fright and shook her head. The three men wore very satisfied smiles at this point.
“This means you must attend Avril’s Academy of Cosmic Stars”
“Wha-“
“It’s a place where you’ll learn to control your powers and you have a lot to learn Celia Bregan” Said the eldest of the ancient ones staring at her intently. This made her uncomfortable, as if he was scrutinising her, judging her by her looks but Celia had no space in her mind to dwell on this. Her mind was creating questions quicker and even more complex than ever thought possible. Finally her burning question was answered, but would she of rather not known. Happier. Silence and boy was it intense. She knew not what to do now.
“Honey you have a choice now you either go to this Academy or stay mortal which means you won’t have any recollection of this meeting and that you ever had powers at all. It’s up to you honey you decide your call you take your time” Jane’s voice was calm but her eyes showed unmistakable pleading.
One of the men started muttering Jane gave him a death glare and the muttering ceased. Even through this Celia saw the uncontrollable emotion. She doesn’t want me to go. Not after dad, but how much more can I take of this unconventional town? For how much longer. Yes this may be my home but it’s time to leave the ghosts behind and move on . . . or is it?

“Give me an hour “Celia said in barely a whisper before walking out of the tension ridden kitchen. She walked like a new lamb to the staircase and held on the banister, stroking the dent there fondly. She finally understood what happened that day why mum was so scared and once again she let her mind wander searching for memories.

“Careful Adam” Celia heard her mum call but she didn’t want dad to be careful. They were having fun.
“Don’t be a prude, Jane, Let loose have fun” replied Adam but then his thumb hit the banister and the whole house shook
“That’s it no more” cried Jane and she took Celia off Adam’s hip.

Memory fades out
That’s dad’s power super strength. Celia’s mind had no time to wander anymore. She only had fifty-eight minute’s left to do what had to be done. She wasted another two minute’s debating if she had made the right choice but then decided No more thinking I’ve made my decision and with mission on mind she raced upstairs.

Somewhat thirty minutes later, Celia made her way down the stairs followed by the thump of a suitcase, hers. She made her way back to the kitchen, being sure to leave her suitcase outside.
“I’ve made my choice “Celia’s voice rang clear and harsh in the air. Jane stared warily at her daughter and then glanced at the men.

“I’ve decided,” she took a deep breath “That I will go to Avril’s Academy of Cosmic Stars”

^_^ Hi there~ Welcome to YWS! Make sure that you review a few other members' works soon to try to keep to the 2:1 review:posting ratio. C: Anyways, let's see what you have!

I. Little Things

Celia strolled slowly, tapping her fingers deliberately on the side of the brick walls, looking in awe. How am I doing this? . . . Am I? Celia’s train of such intricate thought was broken by the sharp ring of her mobile phone. Caller Id told her it was Jane. Mum. Her face crumpled for a moment, her mum never called her mobile, what was wrong? The creases in her face ironed out and she tentatively pressed her finger to the answer button

Alright. Let's take this first paragraph to just go over a few little rules that are usually good to abide by, BUT! can be ignored if you know exactly what you're doing and why, and if they add to the story or something like that.

I. Adverbs -- Avoid adverbs religiously {hehe, irony}

I know that it's fun to tell exactly how a character did something and it helps you weave a rich picture, AND that adverbs are the quickest way to do that. However, it's generally seen as kind of a cop-out and it's actually usually unnecessary {I should stop using adverbs now. Teehee.}. For example, concerning dialogue:

"But I hate you," yelled Sarah, vehemently.

You don't need the adverb, because you can tell from the words what kind of tone would be implied. In most cases, the same kind of principle can be applied to adverbs used elsewhere. For example, here in your passage. If Celia is strolling, she's certainly not strolling quickly, right?

stroll
–verb (used without object)
1. to walk leisurely as inclination directs; ramble; saunter; take a walk: to stroll along the beach.

See? The adverb is already implied in the definition, which means you do NOT need to say that she strolled slowly. C: Consider going through this whole piece to see where you use adverbs and CHECK if you need to use them or not. Try describing actions in more specific ways than just saying 'deliberately' or something, BUT be careful that you don't just add some super long phrase that means the same thing as an adverb. Like, if you said she tiptoed carefully, don't change it to 'she tiptoed with extreme and quiet care'. Know what I mean? ^_^

II. Independent and Dependent Clauses

Now we're going to take a look at another sentence in this passage.

Her face crumpled for a moment, her mum never called her mobile, what was wrong?

These are, basically, three complete and distinct sentences. You can split them all up if you want to, and you SHOULD, in some way. Let's pretend that you cut off 'what was wrong', capitalize it, and put it in italics, and just look at the first two sentences together. If you take them that way, you have a comma splice.

Comma splices can be fixed in a few different ways. The first possibility is to separate them into two different sentences by using a period or semi-colon instead of a comma. The second is to use a conjunction between the two of them and keep the comma. The third is to change one of them into a dependent clause by using some kind of dependent word like 'when' or 'because' at the beginning of one of them. There's a difference between:

'I went to the store, I needed some eggs.' and 'I went to the store because I needed some eggs.' The 'because' makes it 'because I needed some eggs', and now you need to connect it to something else because it just became dependent! -claps and jumps up and down- Try looking through the rest of this story to fix more problems like these. C:

III. Over-Description

Now, this is probably the section you can listen to the least because it all depends on the author's style. C: Still, maybe just read through it and see if you can pick up anything helpful from it anyways. xD

Not everything needs to be described completely.

Writing, in my opinion, is about finding that balance between providing the images for your readers and letting their imagination take over the rest of the job. If you describe every single thing, you leave nothing to the imagination, and although you'll have painted a vivid picture, I'm sure your reader will have become bored and abandoned the writing before the end. Here's where I found the first problems of this:

Beads of sweat broke out on Celia’s forehead. Colour flooded her usually translucent cheeks, as she placed her battered pink phone in her left back pocket.

A. Have you started sweating that much when you got nervous? Is this just a description you used to show nervousness instead of describing how it normally would have happened? I mean, if that's what happens to you, then keep it, but it's never happened to me, so it makes me suspicious.

B. Hmm. Translucent?

–adjective
1. permitting light to pass through but diffusing it so that persons, objects, etc., on the opposite side are not clearly visible: Frosted window glass is translucent but not transparent.
2. easily understandable; lucid: a translucent explication.
3. clear; transparent: translucent seawater.

If her cheeks looked like that, I think they'd be kind of creepy. D: It feels like you added an adjective just because you thought it would feel empty if you didn't describe it, but you really don't need to. C:

C. Battered and pink. I mean, it's good. It's a nice little thing to slip in there, and it would have been almost unnoticeable, except that it's smushed in there with all these other descriptions so that it seems like just another descriptive phrase. I, personally, like this little description the best. It gives a sense of specificity and personality to the scene. So, if I were you, I'd try dropping the other phrases and keeping this one. I mean, it seems pointless, and unless the phone is going to be very important in the rest of the story, it is! But I like it. <_< Sue me.~

ANYWAYS, moving on~

Another thing that you have a big problem with is dialogue punctuation! =D I'mma link you to an article about it rather than typing it all out here. C:

CLICK HERE!

Since I gave you a few things to work with there that apply to the whole piece, I'm going to try to refrain from pulling out any more nit picks and just commenting on the story. C:

Feet strutting along the bustling streets of London, her hair flowing behind her like a long sheet of black satin, and her unnaturally enchanting blue eye’s focused on the road ahead of her.

But just notice that this is like a huge dependent clause -- there's no action or subject or anything like that. xD It's a fragment thingy.

I would also recommend either calling the mom 'mum' or 'Jane', because it gets confusing to switch between the two. Then, also, please italicize Celia's thoughts, maybe? C:

Hmmmn strange but why is his cloak different Thought Celia looking intensively at the eldest of the three.

Would YOU wonder why one of the cloaks is different instead of wondering what the heck those strangers were doing in the kitchen in the first place?! I wouldn't! Why does Celia? xD

whispered the eldest of the men wearing an unfathomable expression. He fondled with his greying beard his eyes burned full of ancient knowledge had not left Celia’s face since the moment she walked in.

1. This makes it seem like all of the men are wearing unfathomable expressions and although that's possible, I don't think it's what you meant. <_<;; You could say 'who wore an unfathomable expression', but I don't think you REALLY need to put that part in there anyways.
2. Fondled? Really? It makes the sentence unintentionally funny. Plus that whole sentence hardly makes any sense because you don't have any punctuation and I can't tell where one part of it stops and where the next begins. You'll really need to go through this to edit for stuff like that. D:

Of course there had been, just that afternoon she’d been making flower buds blossom before their time just by tapping her fingers on the side of the wall. But before that she was able to do things like catch her keys before the fell and save her ball from sinking though the ball was in the middle of the pond. Celia hadn’t told Jane about any of this so she had to pick her words carefully. She looked directly at her mother,

Uh... okay, when I got to this point I was really disappointed. D: This sounds almost JUST like Harry Potter. Plus, you'd think a sensible girl in these times would be a BIT perturbed if she could make flowers bloom and stuff. >_<;;

“Honey you have a choice now you either go to this Academy or stay mortal which means you won’t have any recollection of this meeting and that you ever had powers at all. It’s up to you honey you decide your call you take your time” Jane’s voice was calm but her eyes showed unmistakable pleading.

So, why does her mom get to remember?

Memory fades out

Very abrupt. You might want to work that in better.

II. Overall

Overall... it has a bit of potential. I mean, haven't we had enough of magical schools popping up where we didn't know they existed? I don't mean to be harsh, but unless you have some super twists up your sleeve, it might turn out to be just a knock-off of something already done before.

Besides that, you really need to get down to editing. Many of your sentences are difficult to read because you didn't punctuate them properly.

The characters, I would say, are pretty flat so far. I definitely admired your use of memories to convey what happened in times past and I'd say that gives a bit of dimension to Celia, but I hope you'll develop her more as time goes on.

^_^ Hope I helped a little bit~ Keep writing!

PLEASE feel absolutely free to PM me at any time for anything. If you have questions about this critique, if you'd like me to take a look at the next part, if you have questions about YWS in general, my inbox is open to you. C: Welcome to the site~

-Hannah-

Thank you for reviewing it. I will fix the nit picks as soon as I get back from work.

Couple of things.

First of all all the descriptive writing.

I gave it to a friend to look at and she said it lacked description. She wanted description of everything to give a clearer picture but i guess I went overboard. It was fun thinking of all the ways things could be described.

I mean, it seems pointless, and unless the phone is going to be very important in the rest of the story,

It will play a big part i just haven't got round writing it yet.

Translucent

Celia is half albino i didn't know how i could emphasize that more and translucent seemed like a cool word. **Goes to thesaurus to seek out another word**

I would also recommend either calling the mom 'mum' or 'Jane', because it gets confusing to switch between the two. Then, also, please italicize Celia's thoughts, maybe? C:

Everything in Celia's Mind was in italics and all the memories. Stupid damn computer changed it. I should of read through it afterwards but being on the computer all day after work starts taking it's toll and as today is mothers day I might not be able to fix them.

The whole Jane/Mum thing Celia and Jane's motherly bond isn't as strong as it should be. I'M trying to show the whole what can i call it coldness perhaps by not calling her mum in her thoughts.

whispered the eldest of the men wearing an unfathomable expression. He fondled with his greying beard his eyes burned full of ancient knowledge had not left Celia’s face since the moment she walked in.

I get that i should put who wore a unfathomable expression. Or would a comma of worked there?

Uh... okay, when I got to this point I was really disappointed. D: This sounds almost JUST like Harry Potter. Plus, you'd think a sensible girl in these times would be a BIT perturbed if she could make flowers bloom and stuff. >_<;;

It honestly isn't like Harry Potter at all. She isn't a witch okay she is ever so slighty but it all unfolds in the rest of my unwritten story. Difference between her and HP she knew she was different she was expecting it see how Celia wasn't shocked, it's what she wanted.

So, why does her mom get to remember?

Her husband was a Cosmic Star and actually that's a good point why does she get to remember agaisn something to work on thanks

Memory fades out


Very abrupt. You might want to work that in better.

If you could PM me with ideas i would be eternally grateful.

Overall... it has a bit of potential. I mean, haven't we had enough of magical schools popping up where we didn't know they existed? I don't mean to be harsh, but unless you have some super twists up your sleeve, it might turn out to be just a knock-off of something already done before.

Thank you for saying my work has potential **hugs**

It's not a magic School She can't learn new things. She learns new things about herself. Once again a comparison to HP in HP you learn new things about several subjects.

AACS <Avrils academy of cosmic stars>
She only learns a way to control her power/s which is currently two.

making flower buds blossom

Making things happen before it time

catch her keys before the fell and save her ball from sinking though the ball was in the middle of the pond.

Stop/Save things

TWISTS

There will be many or should I say obstacles but I haven't got round to writing it.

Chapter 2 will take some time as have yet to write it


Thank You And I will work on what you've told me to work on.