Here is my first draft of chapter 1. Please help me figure out how to make it even better.
(NOTE: Second draft follows below)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Vampires of San Pedro: Thirst
Part 1- Hunter
Chapter 1
Awakening
Something was seriously wrong here. I woke up, my mind racing. Everything felt so strange. It wasn’t like being me at all. There was more now, but I didn’t quite know why, or how. My arms and legs felt too strong. My body lay too still. An icy chill permeated every sense.
I took in my surroundings all at once. The room was small, with a curtain down the middle. My gown barely covered me. A machine nearby gave an uneven beep every few seconds. Tulips sat in a vase near the window, bright yellow and green. I squinted, trying to adjust my eyesight. I heard someone breathe, and I turned. A man slept nearby.
I blinked, and everything got really freaky really fast. Nothing had the right colors anymore. The flowers became pale blue, and the sleeping man’s face glowed red. I blinked again, hoping my eyes were fine, and the colors returned to normal.
“What the hell?” I whispered.
That’s when I noticed how hot I was. The room felt like a boiler, yet I didn’t sweat. I glanced out the window. Big mistake! I covered my eyes as quickly as I could. The light from outside was too intense. I closed my eyes as fast as I could.
I held them shut tight for a few minutes. Surely, I had to blind after that. Hesitantly, I opened them again. Maybe I’d keep my gaze inside the room this time.
I noticed myself in a mirror across the room and gasped. That reflection couldn’t be me, no way. My hair wasn’t jet black, and I definitely had more sense than to give it such uneven red streaks. Why was my skin so pale? And, what happened to my eyes?
I stared at the horror of two bright yellow eyes.
Someone sneezed. I jumped as I realized I knew exactly where it came from; three floors up, and two rooms down. A wash of sound struck me; nurses talking, patients coughing, children laughing, mothers crying, machines beeping, tubes sucking.
Hearts beating. Lungs wheezing.
“Stop it!” I shouted as loud as I could. It continued, but noticeably softer. What in the world was happening?
My scream woke the sleeping man. His heart beat incredibly as he started. Then he saw me, and joy ran across his face.
“Jess,” he said. “You’re up. Excellent.”
I nodded. A perfume crossed my nostrils. I’d never smelled it before. Something started moving in my mouth, a bitter, gooey liquid. That wasn’t spit, was it? Some fell back into my throat.
That’s when the thirst started. It seared against my throat. Was there anything in the world that could end this?
The man crept over and sat at the foot of my bed. He rubbed his hands across my legs in a loving way. He smiled, and a single dimple announced itself merrily.
“We’ve been so worried about you, honey.” He said. He was shorter, about my height, with curly red hair. His face was freckled, and he had green eyes. It was a nice face. And, he had this woody, smoked ham kind of smell. It made that bitter spit run thicker, and my stomach exploded as it reached it.
I didn’t recognize him. It was like a veil had fallen over my mind. Memories crept forward, rushed the veil, and then fell back, defeated. He should have been familiar, but he wasn’t. Who was he? I wanted to be lost in that face and scent forever.
“I missed you,” he said. He leaned forward, and kissed my cheek. His lips felt so warm against my skin, like the sun in the middle of winter.
He pulled back from my face as quickly as he’d kissed it, grimacing.
“I’m sorry,” I said my voice shaking and raspy, “is something wrong?”
“Nah,” he replied, “it’s just…you’re so cold.”
I nodded again.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
He smiled again, showing that dimple. “Absolutely.”
“Should I know you?” I stuttered. “Because, obviously, you know me. Quite well, apparently. But, I don’t seem to know you.”
He frowned. “Jess, it’s me, David.”
David. I ran that name through me brain. David?
“David who?” I asked.
He stood up, looking at me weird. “David Allen. You’re boyfriend. High school heartthrob, don’t you remember?”
I grimaced now. “Honestly, no.” I wanted so much to say yes. I just couldn’t.
“I’m going to go get Dr. Abrams.” said David.
“Okay.” I said as he left the room. Who was Dr. Abrams?
Dr. Abrams apparently was my physician. She was taller than either of us, with frizzy black hair. She smelled of honeysuckle. This is so weird, I thought. Why does everyone smell so amazing? I didn’t.
David sat on the edge of my bed. Dr. Abrams looked at me, paused for a moment, and then nodded.
“Good morning, Ms. Parker. You gave us all quite a fright, there. We thought for a long time you weren’t going to make it.” She sounded confident, but puzzled.
“What happened to me?” I asked.
“Something snuck in your window over a week ago.” David said. “It bit you. We don’t know exactly what it was. The police thought maybe some kind of dog.”
I didn’t remember any dog. I told Dr. Abrams that when she asked.
“You said over a week ago?” I asked. “How long have I been out?”
Dr. Abrams sat down. “I know this may seem hard to accept, but you’ve been in a coma for the past ten days. It’s now October 21st.”
“Jessica,” she continued. “It’s very important that you try to do something for us, for yourself. What’s the last thing you remember?”
I bit my lip. Couldn’t she tell that I was trying to remember? But the veil was still shut tight. Something did float just passed it, though.
“I remember something…golden. Something brown. No, wait, it’s a bear; a stuffed bear with golden wings. I’m sorry, I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s what I can remember.”
“It makes sense,” David said, beaming. “I won that bear for you at a carnival the night you were attacked.”
Oh, so that’s why I got a warm feeling when I thought of it.
“David,” Dr. Abrams said, “I think it’s important that we let Jessica get some rest now. She’ll be awake again later.”
“Ok,” he said, “I’ll stay here.”
Dr. Abram’s smiled. “David, you’ve been here for three days, ever since her parents left. She’ll be ok for a little while longer.”
He smiled softly, and looked at me.
I’ll be alright,” I said, “trust the doctor.”
He laughed lightly. “I’m going home, and I will be back in the morning. “ He flashed a grin in my direction. I wished he hadn’t; it only made my hunger and thirst worse.
They left, and I was alone with the beeping of my heart monitor. I had no clue what was going on. But, apparently, I was in good hands.
Dr. Abrams snuck back in after a few minutes. That puzzled look was back in her face. She was nervous or excited about something; why else would her heart beat so fast?
She checked the charts at the foot of my bed, and the glanced up at me. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. She went to the beeping machine, and checked it. I felt more than saw her look back at me. She was really worried now. She bit her lip, took the charts, and left.
*****
Sleep never came for me. I tossed and turned, but never really lost consciousness. I settled for just closing my eyes and lying still. It felt relaxing.
The funny thing was, moving felt relaxing, too. Each muscle seemed ready to spring into action at any time. I didn’t need rest. It was stupid to try and get it. But, that didn’t seem right.
The sun set (thank God, I could at last stop squinting), and I was checked on periodically. Each time it was Dr. Abrams herself. She followed the same routine, looking at my charts, at the machines I was hooked up to, and then left, papers in hand. Each time, I pretended to ignore her.
A man came in and fiddled with the machines for a little while. He was careful, and so calm, I really shouldn't have noticed his prescence. But, I did. Heartbeat, breathing, blood moving. Why could I hear all that?
I tossed again. Finally, I decided that since laying flat on my back required the least amount of energy at all, that’s what I wanted. I opened my eyes. The wall clock read ten pm.
“Dr. Snow,” I heard Dr. Abrams say. It unnerved me how clear her voice was; she was at the nurses’ station, three doors down.
“What is it, Amanda?” a rich, baritone voice spoke.
“I wanted to get your opinion on something.” Rustling paper told me she’d handed him something. “This is the chart of the young girl in 1357. Animal bite, and severe allergic reaction.”
There was silence. Then, “This can’t be right.”
“That’s what I thought, as well.” Said Dr. Abrams. “I had the technician run a diagnostic on all her equipment an hour ago.”
“And?” Dr. Snow asked.
“Everything’s working fine.”
I heard him ruffle through the papers again.
“Her body temperature has dropped six degrees in the last half hour alone? Fifteen in the last three hours?”
“I know,” Dr. Abrams said. “And look at her blood pressure.”
He checked, and then whispered. “It seems normal.”
“That’s the chart from six hours ago.” Dr. Abrams said. “Now, look at it.”
“100/70. Wow. That’s getting there.”
“If it gets any lower, I’m going to run some tests, see if there is any internal bleeding. The allergic reaction could be the source, but I don’t want to miss anything if it isn’t.”
*****
Apparently, my blood pressure did keep falling. About six in the morning, my head started getting light. That bitter taste radiated everywhere. I was so thirsty, I couldn’t speak at all.
They wheeled me around in my bed for half the morning, running they’re tests. I began to get sick of the whole thing.
Darkness was always before me. My eyes stayed closed, not because of choice, or because of a blinding sun, but because I couldn’t keep them open any longer. And the darkness invited me enter it. I wasn’t ready to do that, but it was getting tempting.
The only thing that kept me alive, I think, was my thirst. It grew to an obsession. It was all I could think of, and at the same time, I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I wanted to die, because it might end the suffering. But, then I thought of David, and his precious dimple. I couldn’t leave him, not when he so obviously needed me, wanted me.
I wanted him, too. My mind lay constantly suspended between dreams and awake. In the dream, he was there, kissing me, caressing me. His warm skin felt precious against mine. I wondered if, little though I knew him, some love for him remained in me.
Halfway through that morning, I crashed. My heart stopped beating altogether. The darkness moved to hug me, surround me in coldness and death. Fear clutched at me. There was no way I was going to give in, but I wondered if I had a choice.
I didn’t think so. And then the brown bear with golden wings danced for me. I laughed like a child, and watched it play. It was so easy to be young here, forever, with nothing but a dream. I almost forgot my fear of the darkness.
But, then the sun was pouring through my window again. I opened my eyes, awake and alive. The sunlight glowed even harsher than last time. When I blinked, I went back into that world of strange pale blue and stranger oranges, reds, and yellows. A familiar shape leaned in forward.
“David,” I called. “David, you’re hear. I was so scared I lost you.”
He whipped a tear away from his cheek. “Me, too.” He said.
I blinked again, and everything returned to normal.
Three people sat around my bed. Two were in their mid-to-late thirties. He was wearing a tan sport jacket, and she yellow dress. The third was a little taller than me, but I could see how I might have once looked like her. He hair was an amazing brunette.
I guessed at who they were. “Mom? Dad?”
The smiled. “Hi, sweetheart.” My dad crooned. “How are you doing?”
“Better,” I said.
“Hi, Jess.” Said the girl. I couldn’t remember her name, my own sister.
“Hi,” I said. Our eyes danced around each others for a few minutes until it became clear I had no idea who I was talking to, except for the ties between us.
“Sarah,” she said. I smiled.
“Right, Sarah. Sarah, my sister.”
“Twin sister.” She replied.
The mirror across the room reminded me how changed I was. Yet, I could still see a resemblance. Beneath my sallow skin and eyes, we had the same shape of chin, and nose; both were sharp.
David reached over and rubbed my shoulder. I smiled.
“How are you?” my dad asked again.
“Better,” I said. And I was. The thirst had died down considerably. In fact, I felt just the opposite. I was full, almost uncomfortably so. I looked around for the reason why. There wasn’t anything really different. I was connected to more tubes, more machines that beeped pointlessly (they were all slower, I noticed), but there was a difference. A sack hung on a tall IV arm; its contents were blood red.
David pated me, my parents moved closer, and even Sarah seemed generally at eas. I looked in the mirror again, and my heart raced. Something had changed since the last time. My eyes, which were different before, had now turned absolutely wrong. Instead of green, or even yellow, they glistened a disgusting crimson red.
“What the hell happened to my eyes?” I asked.
“Jess, calm down.” My mom said. “Dr. Abrams will explain."
I was still worked up when Dr. Abrams came in a few minutes later. She carried my chart, and a paper cup.
“We haven’t quite figured it out, yet.” She answered as I demanded to know what had happened. Her mouth formed a distinct pout. “It must have something to do with the allergies. I want to run a test.”
“Oh, doctor, she’s had enough tests,” my mom complained.
“Don’t worry, it’s very simple.” Dr. Abrams continued. “Jessica, do you feel like drinking anything?”
“No,” I said, “I’m fine.”
She pouted again. “Well, if you don’t mind, would you drink this please?"
What was it? I grimaced, but obeyed.
I tossed it back easily, but spit it out. That bitter stuff was still in my mouth. Apparently, the two did not mix well. The spit burned against the new inturder.
“That’s disgusting,” I said. “I can’t drink this.”
Everyone looked at me nervously.
“It was just ordinary water,” Dr. Abrams explained. She put on a pair of gloves. “Would you mind opening your mouth?”
I did, and she put a huge cotton swab in. She rattled it around, and pulled it out. The tip had turned slightly green, and was odorless.
“I’m going to send this down to the lab for analysis.” She said. “I’m sorry we didn’t think of this sooner. You’re cut was so clean where the animal bit you that we didn’t think to check for continual poisoning.”
All faces went pale. I heard each heart, but mine, race a little faster. Mine felt weary.
“Mr. and Mrs. Parker, could I speak with you for a minute?” Dr. Abrams asked.
“Of course,” my dad replied. They left. Dr. Abrams shut the door. David and Sarah leaned in closer to me.
“Mind if I turn on the TV?” David asked. “The ballgame is on; Oakland versus San Pedro.”
“Of course not,” I told him. “I know how you like your football.”
He smiled. “It’s baseball, love.”
Sarah scooted closer to me. She was putting on a brave face. I could hear how hard it was for her to stay calm.
“No offense, Jess,” she said, “but you look like shit.”
I smiled. “Yeah, I agree. Oh, well, at least the eyes go with the hair.”
She laughed.
My parents and Dr. Abrams came back in. Mom and dad did not look well. They were almost as pale as I was.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Dr. Abrams has some news for you, Jess.” Dad said. “David, you might want to turn off that television.”
David went white, too. The TV was off in a flash.
All ears and eyes turned to Dr. Abrams.
“Jessica, I have some concerns about telling you this,” she began. “But, I think it’s only right you know. Your parents agree, too. “
“I have a question for you. Would you want to know if there was nothing we could do to save you?”
David flinched. Sarah gasped. I looked at both of them, and I remembered the darkness from my dream. Would it take me here, now, in the world of reality, too?
“Yeah,” I replied.
“Ok, then.” Dr. Abrams continued. “It’s been two weeks since you came here. I have to admit I’m as stymied as when we started. I’ve never seen anything like this. I’m hoping that sample I took from your moth gives us same answers. But, it might not. Jessica, how do you feel?"
“Fine,” I said.
“Well, you’re not. You’ve suffered severe blood loss, but I don’t know from where. You’ve gone into cardiac arrest six times over the past forty-eight hours. Both your kidneys have shut down, and it’s amazing you’re pale, not jaundice. Your blood pressure is so low, it’s a miracle you’re as cognitive as you are. Pretty much they only thing I’ve figured out is that you need almost continual blood transfusions to keep you alive.” She pointed at the bag above my bed. “That is keeping you alive right now, and if we strike out on this mouth swab, I don’t know where else I can turn for help.”
*****
So, there it was. I was going to die. The mouth swab came back a huge strike out. All they could tell was that it was a close relative of rattlesnake venom. But, that closeness was like the resemblance between a house cat and a lion.
The stuff in me was the lion.
David sobbed, and so did the rest of my family. I couldn’t, and I didn’t know why. I felt it made me seem so inhuman. They were all dying with me, inside, and I couldn’t shed one tear for them.
Dr. Abrams made them leave at nine o’clock. I got hugged and kissed all around.
David was the last to leave. He looked at me, and I at him. How could he stand me? My body was so changed, my eyes a nightmare. But, he was with me, wordlessly.
There was something I’d yet to tell him. As he turned to go, I knew I had to. I wasn’t going to get another chance at this.
“David, I love you.” I said.
He turned, and smiled, that wonderful dimple making my heart flutter. He came over, and kissed my forehead. Then he stroked me face. I kissed his hand. Even with the blood transfusion, my stomach grumbled. I was dying, and I probably wouldn’t ever figure out what I’d changed like this.
He kissed my chin, and then my cheek, and went in for my lips. He wasn’t afraid of how cold I was anymore. I kissed him back. It was nice to be loved.
He left, and I laid back. If I died, right then, I would die a happy woman.
I didn’t die then. At 9:42 pm, my eyes shut. The heart monitor nearby issued a steady tone, and a team of doctors and nurses flooded the room.
*****
Something was seriously wrong here. I woke up, my mind racing. I couldn’t move at all. I was like a corpse.
That awful, terrible thirst was what woke me. It rallied though every vein, every artery. I agonized on the cellular level.
I was on my back, naked except for some green sheets. Blinding lights were above me, and I hated them. A hiss issued from my throat because of them.
Hovering over me where three men in green operating gowns. I didn't recognize any of them.
“Call it.” One said.
“Time of death, 10:41pm, October 26th.” Another replied.
They turned around, and started to leave. Panic filled me. I couldn’t be dead! No, I was here, alive. Suddenly, I found I could move. I leaned over on my side.
“Dr. Adams!” One of the doctors screamed. A nurse fianted.
“Don’t leave.” I called. “Look, I’m not dead.”
None of the doctors said anything. I sat up. All the wires and tubes where gone. There wasn’t even a heart monitor.
It happened like a bomb being dropped. Nobody said a word. One of the nurses had been moving the tray of surgical instruments. But, unaccustomed as she was to corpses sitting up and talking, she stumbled. The razor sharp knifes fell to the ground. Instinctively, she tried to catch one.
It cut through her skin so easily. Fresh, warm blood trickled out.
Now, my own instincts took over. I moved so much faster than any of them, and was so much stronger.
I looked at what I had done afterwards. I wrapped my arms around my naked body. It was so warm in here. My vision returned to those pale blues and warm reds.
Someone was bound to notice what had happened. The only reason I’d got away with killing all of them, with feeding off the nurse, was that no one had been watching. That couldn’t last much longer.
I put on of the nurses uniforms, and left. I even adopted her surgical gown. Hopefully no one would notice as I left.
I exited the operating room. A clock read 10:49. In less than three minutes, I’d ended six lives. And I’d tasted my first blood. I licked my lips. Even then, I knew it wouldn’t be my last.
Mod: Careful with the caps.
