Idealism of An Aesthetic Youth

The time came where I could stand it no longer, no longer live an put up with the sick world that is known to modern man as “Society”. The whole idea of a monotonous lifestyle: one ruled by habit and discipline, and controlled by the government and media, has no appeal to me, an adventurer and one who has a fiery lust for the freedom of the open wild. For the term doesn’t make sense to me, Society. The way we live. Carrying on day by day, half-awake, completing the same useless chores that we have been forced to carry out everyday of our lives. I know now that this cannot be my life, will not be my life.
Standing atop the peak of the “Dutch Draw” in Utah, finally enlightened me, and convinced me that I could do amazing things with my life... be truly happy. It opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t have to live like the rest of the world; my life can have meaning... I can make a difference.
I know not where I will wander, but I am sure that I shall head away from the traces of modern man, that haunts the earth without rest; like an undying spirit. I will spend my days growing closer to the earth, experiencing things that many believe to be impossible. To the top of the highest mountain, to the savannas of Africa. From New Zealand to the states, I will explore it all. My nation will be the earth, and to the earth i will pledge my allegiance. The world is not separate, a mistake made by humanity. I will walk this earth with an open mind, away from the poison of society I will flee. My knowledge will be superior, and I will learn what it means to experience true happiness on this earth.



Brooks Callaghan
March 2009

Hey there! Cool statement, dude, I hope I can be helpful here.

Okay, first, you might want to remove your full name from it, just a safety measure, you understand.

Your piece itself was very solid, but I have a couple questions, and the first is: does this have a specific purpose? Is it something you plan to share with people to explain your life's goal, are you going to use it for a class or assignments, I'm just wondering who your audience is, because that's going to affect how you present yourself.

You have a lot of great examples for the way you want your life to be, the worldview you plan to embrace: standing on the mountaintop, all the places you mean to visit, ect. My advice would be to do something like that for why you hate "Society" so much--not that your points aren't valid, but more concrete examples besides "the same useless chores that we have been forced to carry out everyday of our lives." Do you mean your specific chores at home? Or the "chore" of daily human existence? Either way, giving examples helps to solidify your point, and brings your reader a greater understanding of what you mean.

Glad to have read this, hope I helped!

Hey thanks. I appreciate your input. As for a couple of your questions, I do mean the daily chores of human existence: getting up and working, and just doing the same thing every day... afraid to come out of their comfort zone. It doesn't have too much of a purpose yet, just had to write down some of my feelings one night. I hope to build on this somehow, but I haven't decided on what to do yet. Alot of my views are closely related to that of Chris McCandless' views. He was the one who first inspired me to change the way I want my life to be. Thanks alot for the input, and I hope to have some more of this kind of work in the future.


Oh, and Brooks Callaghan is not my real name

Hi there! Grammar first, alright? You made several mistakes:

zoorah12 wrote:The time came where This should be when, since you're talking about a specific point in time, as opposed to a place. I could stand it no longer, no longer The repetition of no longer here is amateur-ish. Also, I think you should use a period or semicolon to seperate these two thoughts. live and put up with the sick world that is known to modern man as “Society”. The whole idea of a monotonous lifestyle:Nix the colon and substitute for an em dash. one ruled by habit and discipline, and controlled by the government and media, Again, nix the comma for an em dash. has no appeal to me, an adventurer and one You don't need the "and one. who has a fiery lust for the freedom of the open wild. For the term doesn’t make sense to me, Society. The comma before Society is unneeded. A simple period will do just fine. Also, Society should be in italics, for emphasis. It's probably just a stylistic thing, but it works better in my mind. The way we live. Carrying on day by day, half-awake, completing the same useless chores that we have been forced to carry out everyday of our lives. I know now that this cannot be my life, will not be my life.
Standing atop the peak of the “Dutch Draw” in Utah, You don't need that comma. finally enlightened me, Again, don't need the comma. and convinced me that I could do amazing things with my life... The three dots, which I have yet to find the name for, are unneeded and should be substituted with and. be truly happy. It opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t have to live like the rest of the world; my life can have meaning. I can make a difference.
I know not where I will wander, but I am sure that I shall head away from the traces of modern man, that haunts Don't need that comma and haunts should be simply haunt, no s. the earth without rest; Simple comma would do in place of that semicolon. like an undying spirit. I will spend my days growing closer to the earth, experiencing things that many believe to be impossible. To the top of the highest mountain, to the savannas of Africa. From New Zealand to the states, I will explore it all. My nation will be the earth, and to the earth i Capitalize I, and this is probably another stylistic thing, bit I'd capitalize Earth. will pledge my allegiance. The world is not separate, a mistake made by humanity. I will walk this earth with an open mind, away from the poison of society Since you capitalized Society when you used it before, you should capitalize it again. I will flee. My knowledge will be superior, and I will learn what it means to experience true happiness on this earth.



Brooks Callaghan
March 2009

This is a really powerful message. I mean, society's not all bad - you just have to bend the rules a bit -but I really don't see the draw of comercialism and conformism either. When you were talking about the places, I could literally imagine myself there.
I agree with gyrfalcon. You don't really state why you don't like society. The more specific you get, the more people will be able to relate to what you're saying. As it is, it's too general.

Thanks! Yeah, I get what you both mean. I'm spending some time fixing it before putting it up

I liked the way this piece was almost poetry, and the way it flowed was rather beautiful.
The grammar sounds fine, and the imagery is very well done. The only thing I would say though, is a bit more elaboration on why you hate 'Society' so much. Your points are valid, but your opinion, and the way you have put it across is very interesting, and I would like to know more. But, it doesn't need to be a thousand word essay either, because the piece is short and sweet, and it is very inspiring. So, to sum up, a bit moe detail please, I enjoyed this!

Thankss

hey there,

I really liked this short piece, and yes, although it does a little more description on why you dislike society, I can relate to it better.

It doesn't try to convince you to believe the way you do, its more an explanation. I like it for this, as I agree entirely with the message being displayed, the same day to day job or school, to follow the same paths as others before does not excite me.

This is a great piece, and although I would fix up a little more description in places, I would not lengthen it too much, the short nature of it appealing to me. You say no more than you need to, which is just perfect.

I have to say that I liked it! A lot!
Perhaps because personally I sympathise with what you write and feeling trapped/in a dead end is one of my worst nightmares.
It is a lovely piece of writing, and so powerful!
As for the length? I think it's good at this length.
Too long would make it a bit monotonous and rantish, whereas this length is brilliant as you've fit in what you need.
All in all, I really enjoyed reading it and I hope you get to do lots and lots of travelling!

Indie.

thank you