confusion

THIS IS NOT FINISHED !
but i dont want to spend more time on it if
its not any good, so please tell me what you think (:


I'm dead. I must be. It's the only logical expanation for why i feel this way. With my whole body feeling broken and bruised i couldn't possibly be alive. My sore red eyes see nothing but blackness, my body shakes with dry sobs. I can feel my heart beating steadily in my chest. But for all intents and purposes, i'm dead. I have to be. I must be in hell.

Yes, that's it. I'm in my own person hell. Run by misery, aided by pain. And all i could think was him.

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Falling in love. It's something every decent human longs for. someone to love and be loved by. Like that new Nickleback song 'Gotta Be Somebody' But whne you reall take a look at todays society you see people rushing love. I mean, seriously. how many teenage girls have really been in love?

I know of at least one; me. Falling in love is amazing. It's true what they say. Your days are brighter, you do smile more; everything changes. I've learned so much from love. I love him. Just at the sound of his name i get butterflies. His voice is what i long to listen too every second of my life. I never meant to hurt him; but sometimes, accidents happen.

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It happened so fast. In the blink of an eye, the snap of fingers, i loved him. Now, most people would say 'how sweet!' or 'how romantic'. But truthfully it was neither of those things.

It was the lsat day of school beofre winter break. The teachers had all the kida watching a movie. All it took was one whispered sentence from those lips of his.

"What movie is this?" At the sound of his smooth voice a chill ran down my spine. Butterflies erupted in my stomach. I had to catch my breath. I could feel his silky brown hair grazing my shoulder. My brain temporarly froze; i strained to come back to reality.

"It's Alvin and the Chipmunks," I replied; praying he would say something else.

"Okay, thanks." I could sense him sinking to the ground behind me. I exhaled slowly, thinking feriously.

6 years. 6 years. How could I have known him for 6 years, practically grown up with him, and suddenly fall for him? 'this is not possible.' I told myself firmly. My thoughts continued to race as the movie slugged forward. He was my best friend. Out of bounds. No. And, to make things even worse, he had loved one of my other best friends less then a year ago. I was way out of line.

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"Oh, come on Brady," I pestered him. "just tell me."

"no," He said shaking his head, making that perfect shag of borwn hair fly in different directions.

"Tell me who you like!" I demanded. Yes, i was asking the boy i loved who he had a crush on. I narrowed my blue eyes in his direction as i crossed my arms. Next thing i know, his laugh is ecohing through my head, his smile lighting the room. I sharpered my glare. "Are you laughing at me, Brady Duncan?" I saw him raise an eyebrow, a smile still plastered on his face.

"Maybe," He laughed, dodging as I threw a punch at him. I stopped moving to pout at his 5' 8" frame.

"Hey losers," My idiotic brother david greeted as he entered the brightly lit living room.Rolling my eyes i relaxed my pose. I didnt really want to know anyways. It would hurt to much to hear him talk about another girl the way i longed for him to talk about me. I didnt know if i could handle it, but i needed to know. I hoped it was me; even though i believed my hopes to be in vain.

It's the only logical expanation for why I feel this way.

With my whole body feeling broken and bruised I couldn't possibly be alive.

Please capitilize the 'I''s, that's first grade stuff. Sorry, that sounded harsh...

But for all intents and purposes, I'm dead.

Again?

[s]Yes, that's it.[/s] I'm in my own person hell. Run by misery, aided by pain. And all I could think was him.

I don't think the first part is nesscarily needed, but keep it if you want. And again with the "I".

Someone to love and be loved by.

Like that new Nickleback song 'Gotta Be Somebody'

Sorry, but I don't think this referance is needed. It's probably just my personal opinion. But, if someone was reading this they would only care if they acutally heard the song...

But whne you reall take a look at todays society you see people rushing love.

There are a lot of mistakes in this...please fix it.

Just at the sound of his name I get butterflies.

His voice is what I long to listen too every second of my life.

I never meant to hurt him; but sometimes, accidents happen.

I'd change it to: I never meant to hurt him. But sometimes, accidents happen.

It happened so fast. In the blink of an eye, the snap of fingers, i loved him.

It was the lsat day of school beofre winter break.

Fix the mistakes in this. I know what you meant but, you can see the mistakes.

The teachers had all the kida watching a movie.

I think you mean't 'kids'.

All it took was one whispered sentence from those lips of his.

I think instead of "Those lips of his," you should say, "From his lips."

My brain temporarly froze; I strained to come back to reality.

"Okay, thanks." I could sense him sinking to the ground behind me. I exhaled slowly, thinking feriously.

This is just confusing to me. Why would he be sinking to the ground? Were they sitting on the floor? When you said "Feriously?" What did you mean. Is that even a word?

6 years. 6 years. How could I have known him for 6 years, practically grown up with him, and suddenly fall for him?

Spell out the numbers.

He was my best friend. Out of bounds. No.

Maybe you could've explained earlier that they were best friends. And what does the "out of bounds" thing mean?

"Oh, come on Brady," I pestered him. "Just tell me."

Yes, I was asking the boy I loved who he had a crush on.

I narrowed my blue eyes in his direction as I crossed my arms.

"Maybe," he laughed, dodging as I threw a punch at him. I stopped moving to pout at his 5' 8" frame.

Okay, glad that's over.

So, I guess to put it nicely, this story was a bit cliche. It's that whole, "girl likes best friend but best friend likes girls best friend. Girl gets upset because best friend doesn't love her," type thing so far. I think you could probably make something original out of this.

There were a lot of grammar errors. You half to read this through a few times before posting it, to check for spelling errors. Reading aloud can help clear up those awkward sentences.

I feel like I'm being a bit harsh, so I'm sorry for that. Keep writing because this does have potential.

Hey Katie,

First of all, a few notes on posting things on YWS. Most people are turned off by a poll at the beginning of a story -- it adds nothing and just makes you look a tad silly. Second, it's also a good idea to distinguish your comments from the rest of the story, such as putting your thoughts in italics. I'm particularly fond of putting Author's Notes at the beginning of my pieces. ^_^ And lastly, please take the time to finish your work before posting it online! Even if it's not the whole story finished, at least find a natural breaking point so that your readers will have a reason to keep going. ^_~

Onto the important stuff!

I'm dead. I must be. It's the only logical expanation for why i feel this way. With my whole body feeling broken and bruised i couldn't possibly be alive. My sore red eyes see nothing but blackness, my body shakes with dry sobs. I can feel my heart beating steadily in my chest. But for all intents and purposes, i'm dead. I have to be. I must be in hell.

A couple things here -- you've missed a couple I's that need capitalization, and it's "explanation," which I figure is a minor typo.

On content, this is a decent start -- your reader is like, whoa, what's happening. This compels them to read further, which is good.But the problem is you seem to have conflicting ideas -- I don't think dead people feel pain, but I'm not dead so I may be a bad judge. If you changed it to "dying," it'd be less conflicting.

Yes, that's it. I'm in my own person hell. Run by misery, aided by pain. And all i could think was him.

Again, watch your I's, and another typo -- personal, not person.

Falling in love. It's something every decent human longs for. someone to love and be loved by. Like that new Nickleback song 'Gotta Be Somebody' But whne you reall take a look at todays society you see people rushing love. I mean, seriously. how many teenage girls have really been in love?

One thing -- PROOFREAD. There's a lot of typos in this, and it says that you don't care about your work. Is that the message you want to send?

Also, be careful with generalizations -- I'd like to consider myself a decent human being but I don't long for love. But you do have a good point with the "people rushing love" idea.

However, your formatting has confused me a little, but that might be something cleared up later. *stream of consciousness*

I know of at least one; me. Falling in love is amazing. It's true what they say. Your days are brighter, you do smile more; everything changes. I've learned so much from love. I love him. Just at the sound of his name i get butterflies. His voice is what i long to listen too every second of my life. I never meant to hurt him; but sometimes, accidents happen.

The problem with this is that you're telling. Nobody wants to listen to you lecture about love; frankly, most will write it off as annoying teenager talk. But what they will listen to you is if you show them love -- telling is just describing, and showing incorporates it into action, like "Mary-Beth lovingly stroked Jimmy's hair, admiring its soft silkiness."

For example. Showing is always better than telling.

It happened so fast. In the blink of an eye, the snap of fingers, i loved him. Now, most people would say 'how sweet!' or 'how romantic'. But truthfully it was neither of those things.

Telling, same as before.

It was the lsat day of school beofre winter break. The teachers had all the kida watching a movie. All it took was one whispered sentence from those lips of his.

"What movie is this?" At the sound of his smooth voice a chill ran down my spine. Butterflies erupted in my stomach. I had to catch my breath. I could feel his silky brown hair grazing my shoulder. My brain temporarly froze; i strained to come back to reality.

"It's Alvin and the Chipmunks," I replied; praying he would say something else.

"Okay, thanks." I could sense him sinking to the ground behind me. I exhaled slowly, thinking feriously.

This is showing! That's what I'm talking about. This is what readers would rather see. ^_^ Just proofread and you're set.

6 years. 6 years. How could I have known him for 6 years, practically grown up with him, and suddenly fall for him? 'this is not possible.' I told myself firmly. My thoughts continued to race as the movie slugged forward. He was my best friend. Out of bounds. No. And, to make things even worse, he had loved one of my other best friends less then a year ago. I was way out of line.

A little on the telling side, but not absolutely terrible. My real complaint is that this is a little bit of a trite and cliche topic -- girl falls in love with out-of-bounds boy who probably dated a close friend in the past or is a boy the girl grew up with. It's a sensitive area because it's been overused, but it all depends on what fresh spin you put on it, so don't sweat just yet. ^_^

"Tell me who you like!" I demanded. Yes, i was asking the boy i loved who he had a crush on. I narrowed my blue eyes in his direction as i crossed my arms. Next thing i know, his laugh is ecohing through my head, his smile lighting the room. I sharpered my glare. "Are you laughing at me, Brady Duncan?" I saw him raise an eyebrow, a smile still plastered on his face.

Other than the need to proofread, my only complaint with this is that you tell us what just happened with "Yes, I was asking the boy etc. etc." Don't! It's much more exciting if the reader figures it out on his/her own. And again, this is leaning towards a bit of trite teenage drivel, but again, it depends on how you handle it. Just know you're in dangerous territory. ^_~

Anyway! Like I said, you should find a natural breaking point in your work rather than just picking an arbitrary point to stop. This isn't enough for me to judge the overall story quality, which is where we hit a snag. I'd tell you to keep going just so I can properly evaluate how you're doing.

Just remember to watch your cliches and triteness, show not tell, and PROOFREAD. If you want me to do a detailed proofread for you (I enjoy that XD), just let me know!

Any questions/concerns? Send me a PM!

Peace,
Teague
x

idk about anybody else, but I know I really want to here more and wondering where and how far are u going with this. katie this is good writting u just have grammar issues that u need to fix.