Runaway: Chapter 4

Hey, feel free to be as harsh as you want with this. I need all the help I can get.



Jackson was waiting by the fountain when his worst nightmare came true. He had been spotted. He was walking up to the fountain when he saw a police officer. He tried to look in the other direction, but he had already been seen. He heard the officer shout for him to stay there. Jackson did exactly the opposite. He sped off, hearing the police officer’s whistle. He didn’t care though; he had to get out of here. Jackson turned down an alley, hearing the police officer’s whistle screeching behind him. It reminded of the time he irritated Livertongue and heard her screech like that. He kept running, thinking about Jayson at the orphanage. Was he all right? His thoughts soon ended when he tripped over a garbage bag. He fell flat on his face. He picked himself up and started to run again. The officer was closer now, much closer, Jackson put on an extra boost of speed and sprinted off. He looked back and saw the police man stop. Jackson grinned and slowed down a little bit. He was surprised; he hadn’t even left the area around the fountain. He had gone in a circle. He walked over and sat on a bench by the fountain. Jackson rubbed his nose and pulled back his hand bloody. He remembered when he fell and hoped it wasn’t broken. He opened his backpack to see if he had any tissues. Apparently, it wasn’t on the list.
“Hey, Jackson, there ya are! Been lookin for ya forever!”
Jackson saw the man he met earlier come up to meet him. “Hi, did you give Jayson the message?”
“No, I just went for a joy walk,” he said sarcastically. “Of course I did. There’s ‘bout thirty kids wantin out.”
“Good, half than what I thought it would be. By the way, what’s your name? You never told me.”
He sighed. “It’s Tyson. Tyson Frederickson. Any more questions ya wanna ask?”
“No need to be so stingy. You know my name so it’s only fair that I know your name. For future reference of course.”
“Hmph, I’m anything but stingy. You need to learn to respect your elders.”
“Sorry gramps. Shall I speak up so you can hear me?”
Tyson lunged at Jackson and tried to grab his arm. Jackson danced out of the way.
“Missed me. Try again.”
They spent a while tussling with each other. Finally, Tyson was able to grab his arm and wrench it behind his back. “Not bad for an old man eh? What do ya say to that?”
Jackson twisted out of it and stood in front of him. He had a taunting look on his face. “Not bad, but I’m afraid I need to go start planning’. See ya later.”
“Hey! You aint goin anywhere without me, remember?”
Jackson sighed. “Fine, but stay out of my way. I’ll be running around a lot and I’ll be everywhere. Trying to get a hiding place for nearly thirty kids still is going to be tricky.”
“Whatever ya say you’re Majesty, I’ll do whatever you say.”
Tyson was left talking as Jackson walked off. “I promise to do- HEY! Wait for me!”
Jackson shook his head at him, what had he gotten into?


Thanks for reading!!

Hi me again I like this chapter! Its quite short (which makes it easier to review ) but I like how you are switching between Jackson and Jayson's perspectives, its a nice way of enabling the reader to see what is going on on both sides. There's less nitpicks here, just mostly overall comments

He didn’t care though; he had to get out of here.

I think 'here' should be 'there'.

He sped off, hearing the police officer’s whistle.

hearing the police officer’s whistle screeching behind him.

I know he's hearing the whistle again but I'd describe it a bit differently so you are not repeating 'hearing the police officer's whistle', maybe something like 'the shrill whistling close behind him'.

It reminded of the time he irritated Livertongue and heard her screech like that.

I think it needs to be 'he had irritated Livertongue' and you need 'him' after 'reminded', I'd maybe change screech as you have just used it (unless you change the sentence like I suggested above) I know you're comparing the sounds but maybe by using a similar word it would sound better- like 'shriek' or you could change the sentence around a bit, perhaps instead of 'and heard her screech like that' saying something about her voice sounding similar to the whistle, for instance-
'It reminded him of the time he had irritated Livertongue, her curses almost identical to the squawking he heard now.'

Was he all right? His thoughts soon ended when he tripped over a garbage bag.

I'd maybe change 'His thoughts soon ended' to something about his thoughts moving onto something else, I think it could be re-worded a bit- like 'His thoughts quickly became distracted' or 'otherwise occupied' or 'came to an abrupt halt'.

Jackson rubbed his nose and pulled back his hand bloody.

I'd maybe change the last part of this sentence to make it clear what is going on, maybe you could add a comma after 'Jackson rubbed his nose' and say something about blood staining his hand. For example 'Jackson rubbed his nose, leaving a dark smudge of blood across his hand.'

He remembered when he fell and hoped it wasn’t broken.

I think 'when he fell' would sound better as 'when he had fallen'.

Jackson saw the man he met earlier come up to meet him.

I think you could say something better than just 'saw' here, like 'spotted' or 'noticed' and I think you need 'had' before 'met earlier'. I think you could say something other than 'come up', perhaps adding detail to how he is moving. Does he shuffle? stroll? that kind of thing.

“No need to be so stingy. You know my name so it’s only fair that I know your name.

I'm not sure if 'stingy' is the right word here as that refers to being ungenerous with money. Something about being on edge or wary might be more appropriate, maybe 'cagey'.

Overall: I like this part, like I said its quite short but its showing two of the characters getting to know one another a bit more and the first part adds more excitement with Jackson panicking

I think you could break up the first part so its all not one chunk, spacing it out more. I'd also add more on how Jackson is feeling, all the sensations you get when you are running fast are really good at involving the reader here. Like his heart pounding and his chest hurting, wheezing and his head thumping, throat dry etc... show how scared he is of being caught as you say at first its his nightmare so it would be a really terrifying thing for him.

You begin quite a few sentences there with 'He', I'd try and rearrange some of them so you are not starting them all the same. I'd add more detail in-between actions as it all is quite quick. For instance, when he falls over, does he scrape anything? Does it hurt and perhaps he curses himself for his clumsiness? I don't really know what the surroundings are like so maybe you could comment on the houses blurring past and the sun beating down on him or something lie that.

When he stops running and sees Tyson, wouldn't he still be out of breath? I think it might be effective for maybe the man to come and see him panting and ask whats up as it would take quite a while to recover from running away so fast. The two occurrences of running from the policeman and meeting the man again seem a bit disjointed so maybe by adding something like this in, it would connect the two.

I'd maybe like to know more on their expressions and tone of voice during the dialogue, perhaps some thoughts from Jackson. How does he feel towards Tyson?

I like how you end this part and look forward to reading more! All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want, Hope I've helped!

I like it, but as it has been said before, it's kind of repetitive. If you rearanged it, it'd be better

Thanks Pippie-dooda! That helps me a bunch! I'm working on the next part. I'm hoping it'll be out soon.

First off, your story was really interesting, but a fiew things were a little confusing. First, why was the police officer even looking for him?