<Untitled Prologue>

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Bring on zee comments! :D

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A bony finger stabbed the bright, flashing red button, as if it had offended her greatly. The speaker crackled to life and static hummed along with the disapproving voice.

“Mediocre,” The lady hissed, her mouth pulled into a grim, taut line. “Put more of your body weight into it.”

“I. Am. Trying.” Growling through his clenched teeth, the boy swung his fist backward before slamming it into the metal, hearing the satisfying groan from the android. It collapsed in a heap, spread out in front of him vulnerably, like a prey offering itself to its predator. For a moment, the boy bent down to inspect his handiwork: a nice dent in the titanium where his knuckles had collided with. Lifting his left feet up, he brought it down on the android’s face.

He looked up at the lady for further instructions, knowing that the sickening crunch was all the confirmation he needed. “Happy now?”

Behind the glass, the lady folded her arms, her hair arranged in a neat, tight bun, as if she had been born with that hairstyle. “I do not like your tone, Preston.”

“I do not like your tone, Preston.” The boy mimicked, scrunching his mouth up disrespectfully. “My name is Quinn.”

The lady untangled her arms and brought them to her temples, massaging them. Curse my luck for presenting me such a disagreeable and headstrong child.

“How did I do?” Quinn demanded impatiently, tapping his foot on the cement, his arms akimbo.

The lady regarded the boy furiously, responding coolly, “Need you ask?”

“Duh,”

“Do not expect an answer from me, if you continue to display such arrogance, boy.”

“Fine. Would you please tell me how well I performed?” Quinn implored with false humility, retrieving his towel from the corner of the containment unit.

Following a brief silence, the lady snapped, “Don’t let your hopes up on being chosen as an Alpha. That was a pathetic excuse for a training session. I expect better results in future. Now get out of my sight!”

Slinging the damp towel over his shoulder, Quinn punched a code into the keypad beside the steel door. It slid open and the boy sauntered out, “Thanks for nothing, old lady!”

She could hear her teeth gnash together, eroding whatever was left of her enamel after her previous sessions with that insufferable child. Such impudence!

It was not to be tolerated. Absolutely not.

“The boy may be rude, but he is good. We should consid-“

“Mr Collins, I do not recall asking for your opinion.” The lady interrupted sharply, her piercing gaze causing the stout man beside her to shrink back even shorter than he already was. “The decision is mine and mine to make alone. You will give your views only when you are asked, otherwise you are…?”

“A s-silent observer, l-lady M.” The man stammered, clasping his sweaty hands together tightly.

“Am I clear on that subject?” She barked.

“Crystal,” Mr Collins gulped, scurrying out of the room as soon as the lady waved her hand in dismissal. He had learnt his lesson. You only speak when you are spoken to, by a formidable lady such as M.

M stood quietly, looking into the empty containment unit and scrutinised the android. She wanted to declare the boy as a terrible fighter, nothing exceptional.

But such an admission on her lips would be a lie.

What really bothered and irked her, was that the boy knew it. And he knew that he stood on a higher platform than her.

The woman’s lips twisted into a frightening smile.

Time to change that.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
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Very nice Meep :)

I don't like reviews that pretty much say "I loved this", but you should know that I love this.

The relationship between the woman and the boy has been exploited to what I feel is full effect here, so good job.

A couple of points nevertheless. First, once you have given us names, you can use them. I know you did use the boys name, but "the man" gets tiresome, Mr Collins would do perfectly well. In fact, sometimes, the most effective way to refer to characters in a piece is how the focal character would refer to them. So, perhaps you could refer to Mr Collins as Mr Collins, but Quinn as the boy. This is not 100% necessary, but I think it's a pretty solid idea.

Now, your biggest problem... Actually with you it's not as much of an irritation as it is with most people. You have saidophobia. That is fear of the word "said". You tend to use hiss, growl, demand, mimic, and any other word that might care to enter your imagination instead of "said". Like many acclaimed writers suggest, I suggest only using a word other than "said" under desperate circumstances. ie. There is ambiguity. Your dialogue should be emotive enough that you do not need to describe manner of speaking.

The reason for this, as given by Orson Scott Card, is that your mind doesn't register "said" as being a word, and simply reads over it. You don't want your reader to be torn away from the dialogue itself.

Now onto the couple of grammatical fixes:
A bony finger stabbed the bright, flashing red button, as if it had offended her greatly.

You do realize that you are referring to her finger as "her", don't you? This is a little off putting.

a nice dent in the titanium where his knuckles had collided with.

Where his knuckles had collided with it.

“Duh,”

You want a period, not a comma.

M stood quietly,

Who is "M"? If she is the woman, introduce us to her properly, if you don't want to, call her "the woman", I don't think it does much harm yet.

You have shown us so much character in so little space, it's really good!
:)

Thanks for the great read
Have a good one! ;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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I already did the nitpicks earlier, and like I said then, there isn't much to fix. First of all, I liked the way you describe action, way better than I do I'd say.

“Crystal,” Mr Collins gulped, scurrying out of the room as soon as the lady waved her hand in dismissal.
you know I have an intense dislike for using the term "crystal"? there's nothing really to change there, I just don't like the saying.

The characters are introduced, their relationship is covered at least in the surface level... this is a good point where to start from. One thing did strike me however. The lack of anything interesting, anything to pull us in and keep us wanting for more. This was well written but so... normal, this would work well in the beginning of the book in a store, but since in YWS you can just skim off to another story, you should give something to make us want to read right from the start. 'Tis good you ended the prologue in a sensible fashion rather than an abrupt, non-endish way. Well written, even if there is nothing to hook you in. Keep on writing. 8)
If the road is easy, the destination is worthless.




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Meep! Hello, darling! Music here. :)


A bony finger stabbed the bright, flashing, red button, as if it had offended her greatly. The speaker crackled to life and static hummed along with the disapproving voice. Wonderful description, by the way.


“Mediocre,” [s]T[/s]the lady hissed, her mouth pulled into a grim, taut line.


“Duh[s],[/s].


“Do not expect an answer from me[s],[/s] if you continue to display such arrogance, boy.”


“Am I clear on that subject?” [s]S[/s]she barked.


But such an admission on her lips would be a lie. I love this line. Just thought I'd tell you.



Okay! Done with grammatical corrections. Now on to Music's [hopefully helpful] impressions!

I liked the story idea. I didn't quite get it, but, then again, that's really the point of some prefaces! So good job with that!

Your descriptions were good. It was mostly dialogue because it's written in third person, so that's understandable.

The characters personalities were clear, decisive, and precise. I got what type of person each character was; good job!

Overall, I quite enjoyed this story! I'm looking forward to more, Meep!

Love,
Music. :)
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Formerly known as music_lover_7311.




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hahaballoobuh here! I think that this is a very good beginning, for it leaves the reader thinking, "Okay, so obviously, this isn't from the 20th/21st century, but where are they, who are they, WHAT are they, and what is going to happen next?" It's a good beginning, but some punctuation/grammar edits:

“Crystal,” Mr Collins gulped, scurrying out of the room as soon as the lady waved her hand in dismissal. He had learnt his lesson. You only speak when you are spoken to, by a formidable lady such as M.

Mr. Collins

The "Mr" is an abbreviation for "mister" therefore, it has a period. I don't know if that's just some formatting that is linked to a certain culture or country, but mostly, you see a period after the abbreviations for Missus and Mister

And I agree with Music. The introduction to the character "M" and her nickname is important--don't leave it out!

“Am I clear on that subject?” She barked.

__?" she barked.

“A s-silent observer, l-lady M.” The man stammered, clasping his sweaty hands together tightly.

__l-lady M," the man stammered,

We should consid-“

Just letting you know that the " is backwards at the end . . .

“How did I do?” Quinn demanded impatiently, tapping his foot on the cement, his arms akimbo.

I LOVE THAT WORD!! I thought that I was the only person who knew what it meant!!

“I do not like your tone, Preston.” The boy mimicked, scrunching his mouth up disrespectfully. “My name is Quinn.”

Preston," the boy mimicked.

Lifting his left feet up, he brought it down on the android’s face.

He has two left feet? I think you meant: Lifting up his left foot, he brought it down upon the android's face.

Overall, well done. Like I said, good beginning. It has a hook, so you should keep writing!
How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
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Meep, this was awesome!!! I was totally hooked and I was really sad when I left the last words. Can't wait to read more. Now, on to the editing part of my review!!!

I didn't see much wrong that the others haven't gotten already, but there is one. *stands tall as pride fills me*

I expect better results in future.

This is just a tiny mistake, but I'm pretty sure 'the' in front of future would sound oh so much better. ^-^

Um... Make sure to fix this.

Lifting his left feet up, he brought it down on the android’s face.

I hope he has only one left foot, unless he's some sort of alien or deformed person. If so, please clarify. ^-^

Well, that's about it, seeing as I'm not one of the first to post. But, still, I really enjoyed this and hope that there will be more to this.

@;~ Saph
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I would just like to say well done. I really liked how you started it out with a lot of desciption and such. It caught me at the very begining.

“Mediocre,” The lady hissed, her mouth pulled into a grim, taut line. “Put more of your body weight into it.”


'The' dosen't need to be capitalized.

“Duh,”


You need a full stop instead of a comma.

Behind the glass, the lady folded her arms, her hair arranged in a neat, tight bun, as if she had been born with that hairstyle. “I do not like your tone, Preston.”

“I do not like your tone, Preston.” The boy mimicked, scrunching his mouth up disrespectfully. “My name is Quinn.”


Okay, I like how you described the boy mimicking the lady, it's obvious he dosen't like her, so good job with that. But why does the lady call the boy Preston. Is Quinn the boy's midlle name? Is it his nick-name? This is only a suggestion, but why don't you put more information about this. I don't know if you were planning to in future chapters or not.

Overall, I really liked it. I think your weakest point (oh and trust me it's not weak at all :D ) is imagery. You used it really well in the begining, but then it kind of disappeared near the middle. Other than that, great job! Tell me when you post more.
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

~A Very Potter Musical - Dumbledore



It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey