Fly

Fly

Take me under-wing
I wish I were a bird
I want to fly
Fly away and leave
Leave all my troubles behind
To fly away and be free
To twirl and soar thrugh the sky
The glorious freedom of the sky
To fly like a bird
To be free to be me
To fly away and leave

eh...it was okay.

[quote]To fly like a bird
To be free to be me [/quote]


lots of stuff like that^


Alot of repeating...you basicly said the same thing but in a different way..over and over again.

Try just getting to the point and take more time. Maybe make it longer and just express more..after you flew away. other than that...pretty good. good flow!

katie

Okay... this was... interesting, It didn't really touch me and didn't seem to really have a powerful point, but I guess I will critique it...



Fly (Okay, firstly, this title immediately made me not very eager to read this. This is a very common word and doesn't really mean a lot to me. I don't think it's a very good title for the poem, but it is up to you what the title should be)

Take me under-wing (not a very intriguing way to start the poem... it just 'started'.. it didn't really create a beginning or an intrigue for the reader.)
I wish I were a bird (Okay, do you have any idea how much this phrase has been used? 'I wish I were a bird'? That's not very creative. You don't paint a picture or make us think. It seems like you're just repeating overused phrases)
I want to fly (Again, this is very overused)
Fly away and leave
Leave all my troubles behind (I like your repetition of leave as the last and first of lines, but 'troubles'? Try making us get involved with the poem, what kind of troubles? What extent do these troubles go to? and such things as this)
To fly away and be free
To twirl and soar thrugh the sky (Again, these are very cliche phrases and I don't like your word 'twirl' Twirling through the sky? That sounds just a little strange)
The glorious freedom of the sky
To fly like a bird
To be free to be me
To fly away and leave
As said before, these phrases are very repetitive and I find them very cliche.

I can't really give this a really good critique because I just don't see any powerful point of any openings where I can give you suggestions...
The only suggest you do a total rewrite and if you really want to stay on this subject, give us something to think about, use more descriptive words, and order your poem so that it will affect others.
Keep writing; you might have a good start here.
Feel free to PM me is you have any questions


btw, I like your avvie

When I read this, I wasn't really sure how to really read it. I don't know, but it didn't seem to all fit together. I actually like the title (I'm no master, don't use it just because I like it- use it if you like it), but the poem needs a bit of work with a thesaurus and your wonderful imagination!!! Keep working on it.