you know, you could have said something

I wrote this with two friends on a field trip to the science museum.

one day i found a dime in the street
i kicked it onto a juicy slab of dog meat
and as i listened to Limp Bizkit's beat
my underwear exploded in a cloud of white heat
flames licked my ass as i took a seat
on a toilet and shat a million gallons of milk sour
when who appeared at my greatest need and his greatest hour
but my father and my sister with her beautiful red flower
she said "have you seen Daddy's beautiful white tower?"
it made me blossom like a peach
"tell me, brother, what techniques can YOU teach?"
i said "nay, my fair sister, now tear me a square of toilet paper
one for me, and one for my fellow capers
now i don't care 'bout its make or its shape or its
gruff rough and tough texture so coarse and comforting
it makes me bleed buckets
i'll pay anything for it
as long as it's worth the ducats"
at which point father said "suck it"
and my sister pointed at her cherry's core and said "fuck it"
they're a sick couple, my dad and her
scratchy as sand and painted like burrs
i stuck my fingernail under my anus
we fucked existentially, like Albert Camus
until he called me a fussy ignoramous
i told him "fuck off my brown shit is famous
i'm an artist, dammit, an Oscar nominee
so take your nappy ass weed and get outta my tree"
suddenly it began to rain and the water seeped through the walls
and the eyes of the dolls shifted left, shifted right
the silent sound of long-past deaths echoed through the halls
my lungs filled with aching life, i drowned
ferocious was the hound
in the house, in the kitchen
shattered silverware and blood
on the tiles - just a smidgen
yet still the maiden voiced her cry,
ceaseless were her blurred thirsts for lust
it was all i could do to indulge her with a forward thrust
THAT'S HOW I FUCKED HER
TIGHT WET PUSSY
LUBRICATED COCK
GRUNTS FROM MY THROAT
AND A HAND ON MY GLOCK
THE BARREL OF THE GUN I
SQUEEZED AGAINST HER TEMPLE
SHE MOANED "AHH UHH"
BEFORE I PULLED THEEEE TRIGGER
CRIMSON CAN OF PAINT
SOMEONE WHIPPED IT AGAINST THE WALL
AND HER MANNEQUIN BODY AT MY FEET

.......
And this is what taking a dump can lead to children.
DON'T TAKE A DUMP OR YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS!

Also....
Oh God, this ... this....

First off, it was so totally wrong and I thought it'd be innocent but it wasn't and as much as I tried to figure it out in my head it just wouldn't make sense...!!!

Second, it rhymed, which annoyed me and seemed to make it not make sense.

Thirdly, thy were the last lines all in caps?
What was this guys issue?

TIGHT WET PUSSY
LUBRICATED COCK
GRUNTS FROM MY THROAT
AND A HAND ON MY GLOCK

What's a glock?
Sounds like a Germin chicken.

That doesn't make sence at all for me. It just seamed like a bunch of obcene meaningless garble. It did whyme though, which is good. I did come though, even though it was nc-17, so I cant really talk. So I'll zip it now.

It reminds me of something me and my friend would co-write, lol.

Well, this was excruciatingly crude, but rated fairly for it. I don't...exactly...follow it. I get the whole part about taking a shit and fucking family members, but not much else. It wasn't exactly well written as much as it was, or so seemed, a way for you to get your feelings out.

I can't... I don't... I am... unable to finish a sentence. I'm really just trying to find the point in this, and I'm not coming up with anything. It just seems... wrong... And if you were looking for a reaction in writing this, then you got one.

And TBR - A glock is type of gun.

I'm going to be brutally honest about this...pointlessly obscene.

Yeah, really obsene. I give it a grade G+ .

And i think he knows a glock is a type of gun. Hence the trigger pulling part. duuuur

[size=18]There's quite a few references to other things other than dumping and fucking your family members, but I don't know quite what!
I do like "her mannequin body at my feet" rhymes cleverly too. This is kind of alternative, I like it.[/size]

PinsandNeetles wrote:Yeah, really obsene. I give it a grade G+ .

And i think he knows a glock is a type of gun. Hence the trigger pulling part. duuuur

I know... I was talking to TBR.

This poem sort of screams pervert about its author.

Seriously? Are you freaking serious????? You have AGOT to be kidding me. This was bland. The rhyming was, to sugar-coat it a thousand times over, at best mediocre. Your characters were paper-thin, undeveloped, and flat unrealistic! Your syntax? I don't even want to begin to encroach upon that subject. The language, the diction, the poor-chosen word choice! You were horridly obscene, for the sake of being obscene. No one would choose to read this! Not simply because it was disgusting, disturbing subject matter, but also because IT WAS NOT ANY GOOD. If you're a member of this site, you can do better. So DO BETTER. I want to see better things from you.

I sincerely apologize if I am being too harsh, but I want to be honest with you.

I hope to see better from you in the future.

Pyro

To be completely honest I didn't really get the point you and your friends were trying to make and show the readers..
To me you all made sentences just so it rhymes. It was too long for a poem and it was too long as it didn't make much sense. I hope you improve your poetry skills because I think you might have some potential.
Good luck in the future.

,WritingAway