Viva La Vida: Chapter II

CHAPTER II

The dice rolled down the smooth tabletop. Double fives. Jade cast a look in the martini-man's direction and was met with a blank stare. "Oh, I see," Jade realized. "You've heard sketchy rumors of this game, muddled descriptions of how it goes. But you don't actually know how to play do you?" She raised an eyebrow.
The man coughed, and shuffled his feet. "Well, no," he admitted, speaking for the first time that evening. "You're right. I've heard talk of this game, how hard it is, how nerve-rackingly terrifying it can be. I've also heard how very difficult it is to stop once you've begun." He gave each one of the silent veteran players a glance. "Like an addiction," he said loudly, purposefully. Each man trained their eyes on the table in front of them, biting their lips. "But hey, I'm a risk-taker." the man continued. "This, this rush of nervousness and adrenaline and total fear. This is what I live for. It is, essentially my life. And when I heard of the game's title, 'Viva', well..." he smiled. "it just seemed like fate." The man's eyes lost focus behind his Armani glasses, as if he was reaching back quite far into the recesses of his mind. "I had to try it. I was diagnosed with leukemia about a year and a half ago. The doctors say there isn't much time left. So I thought to myself, 'Daniel live what is left of your meager existence to the absolute fullest.' And that's what I've done. Skydiving, bull-riding, traveling all over the world. I've done it all. But its all been physical, the risks, the damage, the consequences. It would have all affected my body. I needed a real mental challenge, something that would have given me a true scare. I've got no family, no heirs, nothing else to live for." he smiled sadly. "I've just got about 6 months and whole lot that you want. Money. Power. Influence. It all means nothing to me now. I've got nothing to lose. So yes," the man's eyes took on a hardness that was not there before. "Tell me how to play." he finished firmly.
Jade's lips spread into a greedy smile. "I shall, but first let me say this:" Jade's eyes were trained on his, focused and unblinking. "You're wrong. Dead wrong. There is always something to lose."

Hey! Tex here. I haven't really given a review lately. *hangs head in embarrasment and shuffles feet* But oh well. I'm reviewing now!

First off, Grammar:

1) This was kind of hard to read, what with it being one really, really long paragraph. If you could make it two or three smaller, it would be easier on the eyes and less daunting.

2)

"it just seemed like fate."

The first letter of the first word should be capitalized.

3)

he smiled sadly.

Same as number two.


4)

"Tell me how to play."

I think that the period should be a comma.

5)

"I shall, but first let me say this:"

The ":" should be a comma, if I am not mistaken.

That's all I can see.

Second, Nitpicks:

A) Each new person's dialouge should be another paragraph.

B)

Each man trained their eyes on the table in front of them, biting their lips.

Honestly, I wouldn't think that grown men would do very much lip biting.



That's it! Overall, interesting. I remember this commercial for a movie about a person who only has so long to live, so she does everything everyone ever wants to do. It reminded me a bit of that.

As tex said, and as in your fist chapter, you need to break this up. One long chapter is hard to read.

On a good, well actually great note, your first to chapters have ended with a cliffhanger, which is good. This makes me want to continue reading.

Let me start this off by saying I did not like this piece. And ill tell you why. The dialog comes out unnatural and the whole thing here is odd. Some chick comes out and asks this guy if he knows what the hell hes doing playing this game... and then this guy does some weird irish shuffle cuz he doesnt even know what the hell hes doing. For some reason, oh yeah hes dying so lets go gamble even though we dont know how to. disliked the characters immensley. Also...

It is, essentially my life.

I dont know if anybodys mentioned this to you but if they havent, I would consider their review lightly... because that comma is ungramatically correct and should be replaced with ... for the desired affect your looking for. But ill give you the ending I liked.

Okay so far. You definitely have a storyline, which is good, although the plot appears a bit vague. After reading Viva LA Vida I and Viva LA Vida II, the story has a "mob" atmosphere that is emphasized by the drinks, the gambling, and the Italian woman. Some short but helpful tips would go as follow, separate the dialogue between different speakers while keeping a careful watch on length of individual paragraphs and plan out the situations. The key feeling for this part is that it feels like a continuation of the first, and while that is good, it is short and does not really provide enough details to establish itself uniquely while bridging the two parts. This is often very hard to do YWS has a great section under the resources button above which can help you customize your story the way you want while sticking to the fundamentals of good writing, although I personally believe there is no such thing as bad writing, although I suppose slang and other indecent terms chucked in to a story could always change my mind, but going back to Viva LA Vida, the entire theme has market you just have to "live as your character" temporarily, to build their world in a way that captures your readers imagination. I tried to keep this short, as you indicated above, but I sincerely hope it helps.

Best Regards,
-Elitehusky

Okay. I have to admit, I didn't read this all the way through. Not because i thought it was bad, but because it was hard to read like Tex said.

I think this chapter was lacking some critical description. I thought this was part of the reason that it was so hard to read. I suggest re-writing it making it a little more descriptive & you need to break it up.

I think this could be a really good story. I would likr to read more.

*Archer*