Magic in the dark

Inspired by BleedingRose
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Swooning strolls through meadow parks,
Alleyways of mistful darks.
In the wake of sister Mary,
This her cross she is to carry.

Nothing soon of fighting back,
Mindless rest of what she'll lack.
Whatever this cloud may be,
Soon enough she will to see.

The clouds will part,
The melodies art.
Wishing on stars,
To be your Czar.

This is the magic poem,
Repeat it twice -- even thrice,
Keep it in your wake,
This is yours to make.

Swooning strolls through meadow parks,

Alleyways of mistful darks.

In the wake of sister Mary,

This her cross she is to carry.

This is my favorite stanza of the whole poem, self! I love how you use 'swooning' very great imagery, I love it!

Whatever this cloud may be,

This line is much weaker than the rest in stanza two. Maybe you could add some stronger words to it. Maybe describe the cloud, yes?

The clouds will part,

The melodies art.

Wishing on stars,

To be your Czar.

Whoa whoa whoa, this isn't a very good stanza. You should describe how the clouds part, maybe add some excitement! Once again with the starts, come on, you can do it! What is this about a Czar? I think you just put that there to rhyme. Change it. This stanza needs help. Srsly.

This is the magic poem,

Repeat it twice -- even thrice,

Keep it in your wake,

This is yours to make.

Love it, but, try to change the second to last line, I think you have it in another poem. The whole' wake' thing. But, I guess you can have that word in there twice. other than that, I like the last stanza. I felt a little bit of closure, but maybe you could add just one more stanza to make it better.


Overall: I like it, but, no Gold Star. I don't give gold stars to myself, okay?


---Self---


P.S. -- Thankyou self for critiquing this! It's bound to make people think we're, I, am crazy!


P.S.S. --

Reminds me of a Beatles song. I liked it for the most part. The ending four lines could of not sounded so cheap if you made them work with the rest above.

I suggest you work on how to properly end a poem. Like make the end appear like the begining but slighly twisted like from the movie "Adaptaion" staring Nicholous Cage: Write your dribble but end it with a bang. Thats how you get em.

lastly:

I like the references to catholicism and the Czars:)

Have a Good Day.

it was good

it was good

Hey Jon! June here!

(I've finally gathered something to say )

Seeing that you... have basically covered everything that I would have mentioned in this poem, silly, I'll just rant a bit here.

The clouds will part,

The melodies art.

Wishing on stars,

To be your Czar.

You were right about this line. You sacrificed something that could have been cool for rhyme, dear. So! Switching is needed. Let's try something else... car, far, are, bar... anything?

Also! What is this melodious art you speak of? I know you're going for rhyme here and such, but, elaborate, please?

This is the magic poem,

Repeat it twice -- even thrice,

Keep it in your wake,

This is yours to make.

Yes, I recognized that line! It's in another of your poems!

Words that rhyme: take, shake, fake, sake, lake... Jon, you can do better than this, dear! Take your time to go over this-- don't rush. You've got concrete potential in this. I want you to bring it out .


(also, repetition of clouds? )


[/nitpicks]


Jon, I thoroughly enjoyed this. The things that I pointed out didn't matter much, because it's the thought behind this that matters most.

I think I've expressed my feelings on this to you already? Yes/No?


Either way, well done. Keep it up, dear

June

Swooning strolls through meadow parks,
Alleyways of mistful darks.
In the wake of sister Mary,
This her cross she is to carry.

Lovely start. I especially liked "swooning strolls" and "mistful darks."

Whatever this cloud may be,
Soon enough she will to see.

The cloud line could use another syllable. I suggest using it to describe the cloud. :P

The clouds will part,
The melodies art.
Wishing on stars,
To be your Czar.

This whole stanza felt abrupt and jarring, mainly because the first two stanzas and the last all had lines with same/similar meter. Evening out the syllable count ought to remedy this and give you more room to be creative with the imagery. Also, how does this stanza relate to the previous two? It isn't clear.

I believe this stanza should be in quotations.

This is the magic poem,
Repeat it twice -- even thrice,
Keep it in your wake,
This is yours to make.

I could not see how this stanza related to the rest of the poem. Also "Keep it in your wake, / This is yours to make." It doesn't make sense. @_@ What is this "this" that can be made? Why is keeping the "this" in one's wake relevant? And what poem does this stanza refer to? If it is the previous stanza, then the third stanza should probably be in quotations to show that it is not part of the poem poem but a poem within the poem. Did that make sense?

This was interesting. The wording was good and it shows promise. Plus, it had great imagery. I could see it all. Good Job! Also, it sounded... old fashioned. Which is an interesting style for poetry. I enjoyed this piece very much. Keep writing because I can't wait to read more of your pieces. Great job. I loved it! *Gold Star*