Permanent/Sacrifice
You walk into the room, feeling a deep-seeded pain inside of your heart spring up as you enter. You see its plain while surroundings; it’s plain while walls, the white ceiling and white tiled floors, and you remember how tired you are to see those things. The only thing that brought you comfort in this tiny little room was the brown crucifix that was hanging on the wall. You look toward the end of the room, wherein a small window could be seen, covered by a thin white curtain. You wish with all your heart that you could be on the other side of that window, so that you could be free of this crushing pain you are feeling inside.
But you know that you had to be there. You just had to.
You had to be there for the girl that is laying quietly on the bed, the girl that is patiently waiting for you to come and visit her. Her beautiful, brown curls were resting neatly on the bed, while her pretty little face seems untouched by the death that was slowly enveloping her.
“Hey, Stella.” You say cheerfully as you walk up to the side of her bed.
“Oh. Good morning Sam.” She replies, as she slowly turns to face you with a beautiful yet weak smile. Your heart breaks as you see her like this. You both know that she is bying as you calmly toak to one another, and yet she can still smile at you and be happy. As if…
“Sam...” she suddenly says, disrupting your train of thought.
“Yes, what is it?” you ask gently, being careful not to disappoint her in any way. It is natural for you to feel this way, since it is a very common attitude to act6 differently toward dying patients just to make their last days on Earth possibly better and more memorable for them.
“Why are you so sad?” she asks with much concern.
You are taken aback at what she had just said. You want to shout at her and tell her: “How can I be happy!? With everything that was happening in my life, there was nothing I could be happy about! My life was spiraling out of control and it was my entire fault!”
But you know very well that you can’t tell her that. It would break her little heart just to hear those words from you. So, instead of bursting out in anger, you close your eyes shut, take a deep breath, and simply say:
“No, I’m fine, really. You don’t need to worry about me.”
You can clearly see on her face that she wasn’t convinced. Her warm smile suddenly turns grim, as your heart quickens in tis pace. If there is one thing that you didn’t want to do today, it is to upset this weak, little girl. And yet, you seem to be failing at that very simple task. It breaks your heart t6o know how you have failed her once again.
Just like what you have done before.
She slowly starts to sit up, with a straight expression on her face. You can clearly see that she does not have enough strength in her body to continue. And yet she still struggles to saunter on. As you watch her like that, you suddenly look at her in a different light. You uwonder why she exerts so much effort to talk to you when she can just rest and preserve her life for another day. You wonder what the heck is going on through her head that makes her worry about you when she is slowly withering away. It is only a matter of time until...
“Sam, you know I don’t like to see you sad.” She worriedly tells you.
“You don’t like to see anyone sad.” You answer elegantly.
“No, listen...” she shakes her head; you can feel that she wants to tell you something serious.
“I don’t think you understand the beautiful gift that has been given you.”
You are taken aback at what she said. Now you suddenly wonder if her medication is going up to her head. You think she’s losing her mind, since you couldn’t find anything that you have received to be a gift. As far as you’re concerned, all you’ve been given are curses, curses that you believe should not be set upon anyone’s shoulders.
“What are you talking about?” you ask, trying to control the hysteria in your voice.
“You know, the new life that you’ve been given. Not everyone gets a second chance like you do.” She replies, topping it off with a soft smile.
“At the expense of someone else!” you instantly south back, as your perfect control suddenly snaps at a strong gust of emotion. You see Stella become startled because of the anger in your voice. Instantly, you want to apologize to her, but before you could, she already begins to speak.
“It’s not your fault, Sam. Stop blaming yourself.”
“How can I not blame myself? Look at you! That is all because of me!” you shout back, as you crash down into her bed, almost folding your glasses and messing up your neatly gelled hair. You rest your head unto her lap and try to hold on to your only sister. Your only sister that you could feel...
“Shh... of course it wasn’t your fault. I knew the consequences of my actions; I knew the risk I was taking. You don’t need to blame yourself for that.” She replies sweetly, as she softly pats your head. Although you found that simple movement soothing to your aching heart, you could feel the great effort it is taking on her part to do that. So, you instantly lift your head up to face her, as another wave of emotion crashes upon you.
“No! It’s my entire fault! You were supposed to have a life! Yu were supposed to be student council president, have a beautiful career ahead of you. You had a life! I was the one who was supposed to die. I was the one who had leukemia in the first place. It was all because of me! If you didn’t agree to the bone marrow transplant, if there wasn’t a complication in the procedure, and the infection didn’t get in the way, then you would still have a life. And look at you now! You’re dying! You’re dying and it’s my entire fault!”Your balled-up fists crash on to the thin hospital bed, as tears are flowing freely from your eyes. The pangs of guilt are unbearable for you;yu are wishing with all your heart that you could change thee outcome ot the events. If only you are the one who is dying right now, if only..
But you know very well that those words could only remain as wishes.
There is nothing you can do to alter the fate of your sister.
But maybe… you still have the chance to change yours.
You feel Stella’s soft hand on your right fist, which makes you look up to her face. She is still wearing that beaming smile, just like when you first entered the room. But now, you could see tears sparkle in her eyes.
“I’m sorry to have caused you so much pain. If only my body was a bit sringer, then it would have been able to fight off that infection. But it didn’t.. so look at us now! We’re just a bounce of crazy kids crying our eyes out!” she let our a weak laugh as she tries her best to lighten up the mood, despite the tears that are pouring our from her eyes as well. “But..” she begins, after regaining her composure “do you know why I agreed to the bone marrow transplant? Do you know why I actually allowed myself to go through that excruciatingly painful procedure? I did that..” she paused, as meaningful tears drop from her eyes, “because I wanted you to have a chance at a better life. I wanted you to live out life in the fullest, to do the things that you have always wanted to do. I know, I could see, that you were held back by your disease, by leukemia. So, I wanted you to have another shot; I wanted to give you a shot at a better life.”
You look up to her with a puzzled expression on her face. You are surprised to hear those words from her. Yu have never thought of it that way; you have always believed that it is your fault why your sister was suffering. It has never crossed your mind that you are actually causing her a different kind of pain.
“But, “ she began once again. “I don’t see you taking that shot. I don’t see you doing the things that you have always wanted to do. I can’t see you appreciating life as it really is. Oh Sam, can’t you see? I did this all for you. But, if you don’t live your life in the fullest, then you are wasting the sacrifice that I had done just for you.”
Her words have brought you to silence. This is the only time that you have actually realized how important this is for her. Yu know that what she is saying is all true. Ever since Stella was confined in the hospital, you have adopted a cynical view in life: that you are the most ill-fated and the worst being walking on the face of the planet. But, after hearing those words from her, it suddenly dawns on you. You can finally understand the importance of the life you have been given, and how you’ve been wasting it all away.
“I’m sorry.” You say sincerely, as you get up from the bed and hold her hand. “I’m so, so, so sorry Stella. I guess I have been weak as well, and I have let you down. I’m really sorry Stella. Please forgive me.”
“You have already been forgiven.” She replies, still with the sweet smile that shortly disappeared awhile ago. “But Sam..” she adds, with her smile turning slightly grave. “Please, please appreciate the life that you have been given. Not everybody gets a second chance at life. Please, please.. don’t waste your life away. You can be so much more, only if you try.”
“Yes Stella, I will.” Is all you can say.
“Thank you.” She softly whispers, as she gently closes her eyes. The monitor starts to show a flat line as you can feel the life in her quickly escaping your grasp.
“Stella.. Stella!” you call out her name so many times, as you hold her shoulders and shake her body, as if it would help. You already know what was happening. You just did not want to believe it. Tears pour out from 9your eyes like waterfalls and you start to lose your own strength as well. By the time the doctors and nurses arrive, you have stopped shaking her, and you voluntarily leave her side so that they can do what they have to do.
As they try their best to revive her, you stand in the corner of the room and you remember the promise you made to Stella. You smile, thinking that you will have to honor that promise for the rest of your life. And of course, you will. You have been wasting your life for far too long. It’s about time you take control and make something out of the life that you are leading. You have to, to honor the sacrifice your sister gave just for you to have that second chance.
You look up to the crucifix hanging on the wall and you know in your heart that you will not let her down this time.
In loving memory of Maristella Hontiveros and Sam Buenaventura.
