Save Me

***Hey, so I have enough reviews on this, I was wondering how I can move this to drafts or something, that way I can work on it without it being read and stuff, any help would be great, thanks guys. Also thank you for the reviews!***

Humiliation exceeds the involuntary rush of blood to my cheeks.
Truth seems to be something that exudes.
There is no comfort at the end of the road -
nor the end of this bottle I hold possessively.

Day by day my demeanour is devoured by their judgmental stares.
To my unseen hero I cry out without a sound - save me.
Destroyed by a small town - escaped in the clouds I created.
Wandering inside the color of your eyes.
I’m flirting with my newest distraction.
I’m escaping the destruction you left me in.

Telina wrote:Humiliation exceeds the involuntary rush of blood to my cheeks.
Truth seems to be something that exudes.

Even before the poem has really started thematically, your first two lines have a severe net drop in rush, emotion, and excitement. "Seems"? Why "seems"? If truth exudes, say so and describe it in a way that is consistent with the same level of fear and tension that is present in the second line. The first line is, right now, weak.

There is no comfort at the end of the road -

An end of the road is a common metaphor and a cliched one. Find something else, possibly something that has to do with the despair that your poem desires. If you must use a road, make it cracked by the wheels of millions, soaked in salty water so that it is nothing more than sod, etc. Show us what it is.

nor the end of this bottle I hold possessively.

Generally, it is a bad idea to use any word with "vely", "gly", or any other weasel adverb that simply tacks on an element to another word and wraps it up while denying any type of visceral response from the reader. Instead of possessively, you are like a vulture eyeing your dying prey. Something like that.

Day by day my demeanour is devoured by their judgmental stares.
To my unseen hero I cry out without a sound - save me.
Destroyed by a small town - escaped in the clouds I created.
Wandering inside the color of your eyes.
I’m flirting with my newest distraction.
I’m escaping the destruction you left me in.

This is too perfect of a fairy tale ending. I mean that it ends with such an elegant bow and a "Now you know!" feeling that the mystery and wonder present in the beginning, which was really one of the only good aspects of this poem, is gone. Don't mention "you" directly, let the reader decipher that on his own. Judgmental stares, also, is too abrupt and borders on the dry-explanation tone that real poetry should always abhor. Change that and perhaps this poem will end on a satisfactory note.

Hope that helped.

this isn't bad. it seems like the poem has a lot of unwritten pain behind it which seeps through. particularly in the last stanza.

my favorite lines are the third and fourth.

This was good, but I found no emotion in the words. Your flow was good though. There was a lot of depth into the stanza's. My favorite one was probably the last one. *Gold Star* Keep writing. You are good.

I agree with ballerina13, there didn't seem to be much emotion behind the words. There were some good images presented in this piece but I don't feel anything about them - I also couldn't get a good sense of what was actually happening. The lines that you've broken up with hyphens read back as a little awkward, I'd consider ditching them (the hyphens, not the lines). I enjoyed the line about 'wandering in the colour of your eyes' but it doesn't seem to amount to anything, and doesn't make sense in context with the rest of the stanza.

I like the depth and a lot of the vocab you make use of, but I'd just appreciate a clearer view of what the poem is about and what it wants the reader to feel.

This poem had some nice parts, but it is overdone to the point that I can't recognize your writing style and I only vaguely know what your talking about.


Important aspects of a good poem(off the top of my head) are:
-honesty
-fluidity
-simplicity
-a point of view
-imagery
-emotionally heavy words

In general:

The hyphens are distracting. They clump the words together more than allowing any kind of break, which is what I think you were going for..

Humiliation exceeds the involuntary rush of blood to my cheeks.
Truth seems to be something that exudes. exudes isn't a good word here
There is no comfort at the end of the road -
nor the end of this bottle I hold possessively.

I liked the 'rush of blood to my cheeks' . It put a picture in my head, which is good.

You used a lot of, not necessarily 'big' words', but they don't exactly roll of the tongue either.
This is the opening stanza of your poem, and I have no clue what it is your referring to.
I think it's about alcoholism and not admitting to it...? I'm not too sure.

Poetry and writing in general is about how you use words, not how many big words you can fit in one line.
It's like you had other more simple words that may have worked just fine, but you grabbed a giant thesauras and replaced them all to make it 'better'. You don't have to do that..

Day by day my demeanour is devoured by their judgmental stares. BEST line.
To my unseen hero I cry out without a sound - save me.
Destroyed by a small town - escaped in the clouds I created.
Wandering inside the color of your eyes. niiice.
I’m flirting with my newest distraction.
I’m escaping the destruction you left me in.

This stanza was much, much clearer as far as the words were concerned.
However, I still don't know what your poem is truly about. It's completely okay to have a little sprinkle of mystery, but not throughout the entire thing.

I can understand what the others are saying about the lack of emotion.
I think bitter anger and then later on a little bit of 'look bitch you can't control me anymore' is what you were trying for, but it didn't come across bluntly enough.

Humiliation exceeds the involuntary rush of blood to my cheeks.

Taking out the 'involuntary' sounds good and you could add more discriptions if you'd like.

Humiliation exceeds the rush of rosy blood to my cheeks. Maybe?

Truth seems to be something that exudes.

I think the word exudes could be replaced with a simile, that way there is more of an explanation there.
Also, you could use more depth in this line. Does the fact that the truth always comes out piss you off completly?

Depress you to such an extent that your knees crack and you fall onto the jagged ground and begin to cry, cry, cry into your dusty hands.

If it's humiliating, tell me what your going through.

Do you hide in the corner of your room underneath the covers, not even peeking out with the top of your head to check if the 'monsters' have gone away?

Do you attempt to face the source of your hurt, but end up cowering down?

Do you long for some sort of resolve to the point of a painful desperation?

Do you keep all of this emotion pressed and sealed inside and allow it all to escape in one great eruption?

Or do you ignite in a rage like the strike of a match and then flicker down just as quickly?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions, because you didn't tell me, silly.
I'm sure you just forgot.

There is no comfort at the end of the road
nor the end of this bottle I hold possessively.

I didn't like this line at all. It doesn't fit. And I hear the phrases 'comfort' 'end of the road' and 'end of the bottle' all the time.

Try not to use elastic words like comfort. It means something different to everyone. Just cross that out and be more specific.

This is a suggestion:

There are no comforting arms waiting for me at the dark seductive dead end
nor are there any at the glassy bottom of the bottle I am gripping tightly by the neck.

That's just a quick little sketch to show what I mean.

So sorry if my spelling errors are a distraction.


That's all! I really hope my review helped you and PM me if you have any questions or clarifications you need.

Chao,
Myrcei