driveway

If you were to see me the night before this morning, all depending on the exact time really but anytime over all. You would see me sitting in my drive way with a group of friends, casually smoking cigerettes and passing around a half empty wine bottle. When you would see me, the stars would barely be coming out to play. The sky would glow with selected oranges, violets and pinks. The air is a comfortable breeze almost coast like weather.

You would hear laughs and conversation amongst me and my friends. You would see a skinny whight girl in pants with orange hair, a baggy t-shirt with the words "GOD SAVE TEXAS" printed at a slant near the collar. Her freckles were light but they covered her cheeks and nose. She holds out a cigerette, speaking with a faint whisper about David Bowie. The rest of the group listens carefully at what she says even thought most of it is drunk dribble.

I take the cigerette out of her hand, taking a long drag before flicking what was left of it in the grass. She asks me to lay down on the pavement so she could lay on me. I kindly accept the invotation and lie down on the concrete, she nestles between where my chest and shoulder meet, breathing softly alwhile the rest of the group continues with their talk.

By now I am disorentated with current events and think nothing of my beautiful young friend who has never passed any sign of affection toward me until now. It hits me five minutes into I realize our mouths are connected and moving. The night sky is completly dark, the smell of afternoon rain fades in the backround. The sound of crickets chirp loudly, as to warn us of our fleeting youth, like 50s bomb sirens.

The get together in my driveway lasts for a few more hours before I dismiss everyone upon return of my mother. The time goes by so slow until then, I still find myself kissing my young friends small lips. She whispers sentences into my ear between our reunions, words that she claims express her hidden love for me. I smile at them all, they all are sweet to hear, even though it's just drunk dribble.

Hi there Johnny

Welcome to YWS! In case you have not been informed, we do have a rule at YWS to ensure that everyone gets work reviewed. Before we post a work of hour own, protocol requires that we post two reviews on other peoples work.

Let's get down to the review.

I'm not sure of the exact image that you want to portray here. To start off with, you tell me what I would see, but later, you speak as if it is happening in the present. This is quite disorientating, and I would discourage it. Essentially, I think this is where the main flaw in this piece lies.

The second problem with your piece is that you don't seem to be driving at any specific goal. That is, your story doesn't seem to be moving anywhere. The problem with this, is there is no reason for readers to continue reading. You want to draw your readers attention.

johnny2x4 wrote:If you were to see me the night before this morning

This is pretty confusing. You really throw your reader. You might want to consider "Last night".

When you would see me, the stars would barely be coming out to play.

I don't particularly like the grammar with which you have conveyed your imagery. Perhaps: "You would have seen me beneath a sky just dark enough for the stars to peep through."

The sky would glow with selected oranges, violets and pinks. The air is a comfortable breeze almost coast like weather.

Here is your change in tense. It is pretty uncomfortable to read.

You would hear laughs and conversation amongst me and my friends.

This sentence seems a little disjointed with the rest of the piece. Almost as though it has no place here.

You would see a skinny whight

White

She holds out a cigerette, speaking with a faint whisper about David Bowie. The rest of the group listens carefully at what she says even thought most of it is drunk dribble.

Once again you have changed tense. Also, they listen carefully "TO" what she says. Even "though". And perhaps, "Drunk murmurings," would be a fitting replacement for "drunk dribble"?

She asks me to lay down on the pavement so she could lay on me. I kindly accept the invotation and lie down on the concrete, she nestles between where my chest and shoulder meet, breathing softly alwhile the rest of the group continues with their talk.

How come she asks you to lie down on the concrete? You just dropped a cigarette onto the grass. Grammar needs work here: "She asks me to lie down on the pavement so she can lie on me. I kindly accept the "INVITATION"". "Alwhile" should be "while".

It hits me five minutes into I realize our mouths are connected and moving.

You need to fix up this grammar.

The time goes by so slow until then, I still find myself kissing my young friends small lips.

Firstly time goes by SLOWLY. Secondly, this should be two sentences.

She whispers sentences into my ear between our reunions, words that she claims express her hidden love for me. I smile at them all, they all are sweet to hear, even though it's just drunk dribble.

I don't think the word "reunions" is the right one here.

Overall impression:
You are a fairly good writer. Sometimes, however you tend to sound as if you're very busy looking words up in the thesaurus. Now there's nothing wrong with doing this, but you should be sure to look inconspicuous. I would also suggest trying to show us what you're driving at a little more openly, as we don't really know what we're reading until the end. So, this does need some editing, but be sure to keep writing. There are only two ways to improve writing. By reading, and by writing more.

I hope you make yourself at home at YWS!

Have a good one!