In an English grave yard where lies are romantic

And the poets will struggle to find words to describe you,

but fail in sobbing heaps where no light will shine upon them.

cry o' tortured artists, as her beauty will not fit into your man made words,

but cries of passion and visions of lust will but capture an image of her face,

for mere seconds before fading away.

For she is as fragile as a tear drop, none could describe how it seems,

so perfect, flawless, reflecting your face in your dream dimmed eyes,

for she is aphrodite, godess of love,

and the poets, are but me who shape words,

sitting with cigarettes that burn away before an idea of her beauty,

shall ever shine upon their troubled minds.




Now, i haunt chapels and grave yards,

to remind me of our last encounter,

siting behind a chapel worn by years,

i shall write with my hearts blood,

and bleed my dreams onto the pages,

crying for a vision of your face,

to return to my homeland,

and to return to my kins men,

who shall shape these words into melodies,

and play them to a god no one has seen.

But i sit amongst tombs,

with pigeons at my feet,

brave, boisterous,

with wings that grace the air,

as my pen to my pages,

for their wings grant them flight,

mine grant me freedom.

XxXxX

HeLLo.

As to your poetry, usage of words, imagery, metaphors and flow, I have no problems. It's all absolutely beautiful.

But the spaces between the lines are an overkill. Chnage the structure of your poem. I don't think it's a major thing but it will make it easier to read.

Again, lovely usage of words. I admire you for the flawless way they fall into poetry.

--Knightly

Hello there, and I must say that it's an honor to be able to reviwe this poem. It was beautiful, as Knightly mentioned. The words just flow into place, the whole poem one wondrous metaphor. However, there were just a few kinks with your punctuation and I'm just being nitpicky today.

sitting[b] behind a chapel worn by years,

i shall write with my [b]heart's blood[/b],

and to return to my kinsmen,

Yeah, that's it. The inherent lack of capitalization, especially with I's and names, bothered me a bit, but it just added to the poem. I'm not sure whether I like or dislike that part, but it was a beautiful read nonetheless. I'm positively green with envy, to quote an endlessly used cliche. Good work.

yeah, thar's what i'M talking about!

I love the premise of the work and the scenery, I can't help but praise your ability to baptise the reader in the neutral perspective that an omni-scientific onlooker is entitled to.

I'm no going hop all over punctuation that much, because I write pretty much the same way.

you gotta work on spelling regardless.

you're my kind of writer, but we both work on the this spacing issue
(it's killing us)

This is beautiful literary composition, I feel as If I am within the Garden of eden wherein I witness a beauty so great it makes the foliage look as alive as stone.

Aphrodites body is like a hurricane that rocks the world with the slightest shake...

Aphrodite is such a tease, her followers worship fervently.

Her temples resonate with the vigor of those wishing to catch her eye, always failing to do so.

out in the graves lovers speak, and are spoken to, they eveything of sweet nothings.
a lovers lies manifest through the acts of infatuation.

A woman in love is a Dove amongst pigeons

a heartbroken man is a Raven amongst crows.

peace out!!!

nine
Hey there, I liked the title and so decided to read your poem, I review all poems that I read, just to be fair, so I've come to review yours. Anyway, please excuse me if I accidentally miss out a letter or an apostrophe as I've found my laptop isn't to fond of lemonade. Shall we begin?

[s]And[/s]

Where's the and coming from? And implies that you have stated something previously and you are going on to further your discussion or talk of another contribution to the subject. Here, you have said nothing before the and. You evidently mean to use In an English grave yard where lies are romantic as your first line, yes? However, I'm not too sure of this as a first line. What is to say that lies are not romantic in anywhere other than an English graveyard? Your title/ first line seems to imply that the only place where lies are romantic is this English graveyard, is this really so?

the poets will struggle to find words to describe you,

I really enjoy this line, but am left wondering who you're referring to as you. If you mean your readers I have a few problems. People are different. People have different and subjective opinions. Some people will be very easy to comprehend, whilst others will be almost impossible. Take, for example a reader who is very easy to comprehend, the poet must be pretty poor if they cannot find a word to describe the person. See? People are different and opinions are not impartial. They are based upon other things. Consider revising?

but fail in sobbing heaps where no light will shine upon them.

This line, is sadly rather true, yet happily rather true too. For we see poetry as a rather romantic little hobby, visions of people sitting on rocks and hills, miles away from anyone, scribbling away, on the contrary, reality is rather different. This line seems to signify a poet failing? But fall in sobbing heaps, is rather evident, and means to be upset, yes? No light will shine upon them - they cannot achieve what they wish to achieve.

cry o' tortured artists, as her beauty will not fit into your man made words,

Yes, as this poem continues to grow, and flourish, my impressions of this being a poem to signify a failing poet increases.

but cries of passion and visions of lust will but capture an image of her face,



for mere seconds before fading away.

Is this person... dead? For you talk of the poem taking place in a graveyard, and then of not being able to see her face, so I imagine this person is dead. However, this may just be me, but I feel these lines contradict themselves. How can you not capture her beauty in words, but you can't see her? The two lines before this one seem to conjure a picture of a man huddled over his visions and pictures of what one looks, yet cannot put this into words, you then go on to say that you cannot see this woman. I think these lines most certainly need revising.

For she is as fragile as a tear drop, none could describe how it seems,

Eh... a teardrop? Fragile? This is an unusual description, yet the more I read over it the more I love it. Fragile generally implies some sort of precious material that easily smashes, yet a tear can be fragile, for when it hits something it... it doesn't smash, but it almost... splits? Fragments? In a different way than a solid.

so perfect, flawless, reflecting your face in your dream dimmed eyes,

I really love the imagery in this line.

for she is aphrodite, godess of love,

Ah, greek mythology is not my strong point, but I think aphrodite is the Greek Goddess of love and beauty, and she was the daughter of Zeus. Goddess has two d's.

and the poets, are but me who shape words,

me? This is rather confusing? Your use of pronouns is quite irrational and strange. I do not know who you mean by you, hitherto I had thought of you as the reader, as me but now you add yourself to the poem? Or the writer, as in the poet who is struggling. Just watch your pronouns.

sitting with cigarettes that burn away before an idea of her beauty,

You happen to be rather spectacular at this imagery business. [;

shall ever shine upon their troubled minds.









Now, [s]i[/s] haunt chapels and grave yards,

I think your use of commas here is rather improper. The use of a comma after now implies that you mean it as a moving on point, a word that many consider redundant, but the context of this sentence suggests that you actually mean it as an indicator of time, as in now, to this day, just now, currently, presently &c. &c. Also, the I must be capitalized.

to remind me of our last encounter,



siting behind a chapel worn by years,



i shall write with my hearts blood,

Again, your imagery is simply marvellous. Just to fix a few small grammar errors; sitting has two s'. I should be capitalized and hearts should have an apostrophe to indicate the possession. Now, a few other issues with these three lines; chapel is the actual building, isn't it? I don't really understand the imagery here. A building is more likely to be worn by weather than by years, unless it was hundreds of years old, so I'd change that to something inside the church. Heart's blood. This is over-dramatic, blood is quite adequate. Your whole body has blood, and your heart's blood is not any different from your toe's blood. xD Furthermore, I find it a bit ironic how all of this poem is involved with the church.

and bleed my dreams onto the pages,



crying for a vision of your face,



to return to my homeland,



and to return to my kins men,

kinsmen is one word, unless you mean King's men, but I think you mean kinsmen.

who shall shape these words into melodies,



and play them to a god no one has seen.

Why do not you capitalize the word God? The way you forget to capitalize your i's makes me think that this is not deliberate, if it is however, you are perfectly entitled to keep it there.

But i sit amongst tombs,



with pigeons at my feet,



brave, boisterous,



with wings that grace the air,



as my pen to my pages,

Earlier you talk of being unable to write. Has this changed?

for their wings grant them flight,



mine grant me freedom.

Lovely ending.

I enjoyed this poem. I don't have much time to do a review, so I'm going to run over things very quickly.


Watch your pronouns , they can at times be very hard to fully comprehend.

Anyway, I will do you a review later today, just now I am going to get a drink and a headache tablet. xD

~Kirsten

Church element


*Just a note of something to remind myself of later, as I sometimes forget things when reviewing things and I find this rather annoying*

Expect a review in a few hours, if I have not done it by then please bug me until I do.


Imagery, Church Element, Pronouns!

^Just a few more notes


~Kirsten

heyy, thanks for all the reviews =]

i'll try like, explain most of it =P

my puncuations kinda awful for writing sorry, i write like i would say it, with all the pauses hehe, and was rushed, it was wrote in a notebook when i went to england on holidays hehe

they're kinda two seperate poems, but are the same if you get me

the title isn't part of the poem, the idea behid it was that i was in a complicated affair with a girl, and i over romanticed it in my mind a bit, while sitting in a churchyard in ipswitch =P

i used the 'and' at the beginning just to make it a bit more dramatic, as if it was being spoken.

with 'the poets will struggle to find words to describe you', i was trying to create the feeling that her beauty couldn't be fit into mere words.

lost in dreamland, you completely tore the meaning out from that line and into the world =D
perfectly drew my idea from the line, i was so happy about that =P
thank you =D

with the line 'but cries of passion and visions of lust will but capture an image of her face, for mere seconds before fading away.' again i was trying to show how beautiful she is, that even such a emotional and potentially beautiful feeling cannot grasp the idea of her perfection, you would have to be seeing her to know.

and typo, i'm a bit careless typing, was s'posed to be 'men' ^.^

with the worn church bit, it was a really old church =P
i tried to also show it was a bit worn down, with the faded stones and all that hehe ^.^

and the heart blood bit was a style i'd take from w.b yeats, and also i tried to use it in the poetic version of heart, that the hearts blood ideally is more, umm, beautiful i guess hehe, should've explained that better ^.^

and spelling mistake, not too hot on the old english terms spelling wise =P

i was actually set on capitalizing the G on God, but thought about it so much i forgot hehe, i wanted to do it so that with the 'i's, it showed that the protagonist is just a voice, it could be any person saying it, to make the protagonist less of a character, more of an idea.

and with the bit where i say about writing, i forget to try seperate the poems a bit, but i havent got the best memory sometimes ^.^

well thank y'all for reviewing, your criticism is amazing, it has helped me a lot =D

and looking forward to review =P

thank y'all once again

Eva

XxXxX

eleven
Thanks for explaining it to me, Eva. I do really love this poem.

it could be any person saying it, to make the protagonist less of a character, more of an idea.

Okay, I absolutely, utterly adore this idea, truly wonderful. It is rather refreshing and different amongst so much poetry that is the same. This poem, now comes across to me as a whispering upon the wind, something carried along summer breezes to different people. You have no idea how much that single line up there has impacted upon my love of this poem. xD
Furthermore, I thank you for getting back to me and telling me more of your poem, as lots of people never do more than read over the review and perhaps leave a comment thanking me for reviewing it, you took the time to go over your poem and comment on my review, thankyou.

Unfortunately, I have not yet read any of W. B Yeats' poetry, but I hope to do so, if it's anything like this poem it shall be great.
Now, I'm going to briefly run over some things:


Church element

I love this poem being set in a church, for churches set about poetry an air of romance and adventure. I also adore the title, it is very fitting, and rather perfect. Just be careful with the line about the church being worn, if it is from age perhaps add a little more imagery to show that, maybe talk of cracks upon the wall or something?
There is, however, one issue I do have with this being set in a church:

Aphrodite, excuse me if that is mis-spelt, is Greek, is she not? Yet church and English graveyard implies that you are talking of Christianity &c. If this is set in a church should not it of a Christian saint or something, but that would completely ruin the beauty of this, so I have an idea.

Perhaps, instead of using Aphrodite as a metaphor you could use her as a comparison? Using something like;
'Of the beauty of Aphrodite...'
Something to indicate that you are not saying this girl is so pretty that she is Aphrodite, merely that she's like Aphrodite, and that way you won't get tied up with any religious problems .

I simply state this because I found it rather strange that this was set in a church, yet it talks of Greek Gods and mythology.

I adore the fact that you wrote this in a graveyard/ church, as that sets about this piece a most beautiful atmosphere.

Imagery
Oh, I could talk of your imagery for days, years. It is absolutely beautiful. It sings to thy heart words of beauty and wisdom? Truly, it is amazing, of such calibre that you must have been writing and reading for years, years and years.

Your imagery contributes a vast amount to the atmosphere, which is fantastic, tense and feels as if it's going to be snapped at any point.


Pronouns

Ah, the thing that I spent so long complaining about. To contradict myself, I am now going to tell you that they are fine, perhaps I did not fully understand the poem upon first reading it, but the pronouns are fine. I shall not pursue the matter any further.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this piece, if you have any questions feel free to PM me, and I will most definitely review some of your other work, as I found this most beautiful.

I shall also give you a gold star, the first gold star I have ever given since I became a harsher critiquer. xD

~Kirsten

First of all, you've found a fine way to make someone interested in the story with the title. It made me quite interested in what the poem had to say

Good choice of words, in my opinion the poem is fluent and just flows so easily that it makes if an enjoyable read.