Heart

So, yeah, its pretty basic but it was supposed to be a homework assignment for my boyfriend and he asked me to post it to see what people think of it. Please be nice.

Quivering, quaking, quiet heart,
Creating waves in every part,
And shaking me from inside out
My brains calls out, I want to shout.

And my heart pounds heavy
Like drumming echoes in a valley
Womp womp, pwack! Womp, pwack
My wild stomach heaves attack

The voice within, it wants to speak
But passions have begun to peak
And words hurl themselves forward
Yet I leave them, for they’re wayward

This emotions like a stoke of fire
Would you stop me and call me a liar
Was I to say beyond a shadow of doubt
That this might be what loves about

WOOT first person to review. Nothing I enjoy more than ruining your dreams before anyone else!
Just kidding. I really like your first and last stanzas. It got a little stale in the middle.

And my heart pounds heavy
Like drumming echoes in a valley
Womp womp, pwack! Womp, pwack
My wild stomach heaves attack

Okay, you know and I know that you need some punctuation, girlfriend. I won't talk about that stuff because frankly I don't believe in it. But the people who really critique, man are they sticklers.

The image of "my heart pounds heavy" collides with "drumming echoes in a valley." Of course I don't quite understand what that means. A drumbeat echoing in a valley, or your heart is pounding heavily, like drumming echoes; drumming being an adjective in that case, whereas it would be a verb, if meant how I presume it was meant. Either way, heavy hearts and echoing valleys don't have enough in common for you to draw a parallel on them.

The voice within, it wants to speak
But passions have begun to peak
And words hurl themselves forward
Yet I leave them, for they’re wayward

I like this except the last line; but granted foreward is not very rhymable, so its good the way it is.
So magnificent, all in all, I really liked the poem. Great job!! :D

Hi! I'm Music, a.k.a. your grammar stickler for today.

Quivering, quaking, quiet heart,
Creating waves in every part,
And shaking me from inside out.
My brains calls out, I want to shout.

And my heart pounds heavy, You stopped punctuating here for a reason unknown to me, silly girl.
Like drumming echoes in a valley:
Womp, womp, pwack! Womp, pwack.
My wild stomach heaves attack.

The voice within, it wants to speak;
But passions have begun to peak,
And words hurl themselves forward.
Yet I leave them, for they’re wayward. I had liked this stanza, but this last line made it go a bit off and dry for me.

Th[s]is[/s]ese emotions, like a stoke of fire.
Would you stop me and call me a liar?
Was I to say, beyond a shadow of doubt,
That this might be what love's about?

Okay, now that I'm done with that, let's move on to overall impressions.

Language: It was pretty good. I wasn't blown away, but it was an okay use of words. The "womp, pack" made me laugh. Haha.

Concept: I didn't feel like I really got it. You know what I mean? It didn't draw me in enough to the point that I understood it. I understood it a bit more at the last line of the last stanza, though. Maybe I'm just out of it right now! Hehe.

Overall: Overall, fairly nice poem. Is he a beginner to poetry? I think he's got a bit of potential. Tell him I said to keep on writing.

Love,
Music.

He sounds a bit.. new to poetry.
It was alright, good start to him. If he keeps on, I'm sure he'll improve.