The Apocalyps

I've been working on this for quite a while. It doesn't get magical until chapter four, but at the begining of it, I'll put a little thing telling what's happened so far, if you just want to read it for enjoyment. If not, or anyways, please read and comment. I AM DESPERATE FOR PEOPLE TO HELP ME!!!!

*starts sobbing*

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Elizabeth sat down at her desk and flicked her computer on. She impaitently tapped her fingers, waiting for it to load. When it did, she clicked on the Internet icon and logged on to AIM. She smiled when she saw that her best friend, Chad (using the screen name CoolEnglishKid), was already logged on.

CoolEnglighKid: Hello.
MistressFay: Hey.

About a year ago, Elizabeth had met Chad in a hole-in-the-wall web site. Chad and Elizabeth had immediatly clicked, and, because she had full trust in him, knew that he was a kid like herself. And the fact that there were only one hundred members made her think that all the freaks would probally stick to MySpace and not bother with this site. Now, despite the fact that Chad lived in England and she in America, they talked online everyday.

CoolEnglishKid: So, how was school today?
MistressFay: The usual.
CoolEnglishKid: The boys drool all over you and admit to their love again?
MistressFay: You know that doesn't happen, Chad.
CoolEnglishKid: I know. I like to fool with you. Guess what!
MistressFay: What?
CoolEnglishKid: I have a surprise for you!
MistressFay: You do? You shouldn't have! What is it?
CoolEnglishKid: Are you ready?
MistressFay: Yes!
CoolEnglishKid: Are you sure?
MistressFay: Yes!
CoolEnglishKid: Are you absolutely sure?
MistressFay: Yes!
CoolEnglishKid: Are you absolutely positively sure?
MistressFay: Chad! Just tell me already!
CoolEnglishKid: Fine, fine! The surprise is...
CoolEnglishKid: I'm coming to stay with you!

At those words, fear struck deep into Elizabeth's heart. She couldn't breath and she just sat there, staring at the screen, fingers fixed on the hime keys.
Elizabeth was very different from the other three hundred and ninety-nine kids in her small high school. While they all lived in the small, unimportant town of Coventry, Rhode Island, beauty was a very large thing. Everyone had straight hair in ponytails withthose funny little bumps, and they all wore either American Eagle, Aeropostal, or Hollister. Elizabeth was the only one who was different. Her shoulder-length brown hair was wild and mangled, like a lion's mane. She had bright green eyes that peered through people. She did not wear Hollister or Abercrombie; she felt no need for it. Instead, she wore jeans and t-shirts from places like Gap or Old Navy. Elizabeth had a relitively clear face, except for a strand of pimples where her bangs parted.
Because of all these differences between herself and the rest of the student body, Elizabeth was constantly beraded. So she drew deep into herself, barely showing her true colors, never voicing her opinion, hoping to get along as best as she could.
This is what made fear grip her heart. Elizabeth did not want Chad to come and see how everyone abused her. She did not want him to see how terribly the whole school acted towards her, to see how she wasn't cool. She was afraid that he would be ashamed of being her friend, and maybe never talk to her ever again. But, most of all, she was terrified that he would like the girls at school more than her and they would turn him against her.
The ding of Chad's incoming message brought her out of her thoughts.

CoolEnglishKid: Hello? Elizabeth? Are you there? Did you faint or something?
MistressFay: No...I'm still here...it's just...
CoolEnglishKid: Just?...
MistressFay: I don't think that my dad would let you stay with us, for however long you are staying. He's super protective about boys and stuff.
CoolEnglishKid: I'm coming for three weeks.

It felt as though Elizabeth had just been punched in the stomache. Chad? Stay with her? For three weeks? She would have most surely lost Chad by the end of then. And, Elizabeth had not been lieing to Chad. Her father would never allow it.
Elizabeth's dad was a strong man with silver hair who grew up in the forests of Maine. About once a week, her father would prattle on about how she was not allowed a boyfriend until she was much older because they would just use her to feed their sex drive before dumping her for some slut. Elizabeth would just nod silently, secretly wishing that she did have a boyfriend. She would rather have a boyfriend do that to her than have to continue going through what she was now. But, of corse, that would never happen, they only made terrible fun of her.

MistressFay: Yeah, my dad most certinally won't let you stay.
CoolEnglishKid: Don't worry about it. I've already arranged it. Your dad and I talked, and I convinced him.
MistressFay: How?
CoolEnglishKid: I told him that I don't believe in sex until after marriage. He seemed to think about that before saying that it doesn't mean I could kiss you or anything, and if I did, he'd hurt me.
MistressFay: You say that as though it was a lie.
MistressFay: Chad?
CoolEnglishKid: It's not.

Elizabeth started to feel sick. It seemed as though there was no way out of it. Chad had gotten her dad to say yes, by telling him this...Elizabeth didn't know what to call it. She knew it wasn't a lie, but it didn't seem like the complete truth, either. The only way out of this was...yes, that might work...but it depended on how long it was until he arrived. If he was arriving soon, then she wouldn't be able to start wearing cool clothes and at least get them to stop teasing her. And if he came later, them maybe some of the girls would accept her as an aquaintence.

MistressFay: So, how long until you arrive?
CoolEnglishKid: A week.

No. The plan wouldn't work. It was way too soon, a lot sooner than she expected. She would have to find some other way to wiggle out of this.

MistressFay: A week? But isn't that kind of soon? I mean, you won't have time to buy your plane ticket, or pack your bags or anything.
CoolEnglishKid: Don't worry about it! I planned this about two and a half weeks ago. My bags are already all packed and everything!
MistressFay: Well, why do you even want to come to America anyway? It's a lot crappier than you think, with a bunch of obeste people, and you'll be bored to tears. I have tons of stuff to do, and I have school. We won't be able to hang out at all, and won't you miss your family?
CoolEnglishKid: I'm not really that fond of my family. I signed up to come to your school with you. And what kind of things do you have to do?
MistressFay: Um...clean my room?
CoolEnglishKid: Elizabeth! You'r hiding something, aren't you? Why don't you want me to visit? Don't you like me?

Elizabeth's heart twanged in sorrow. She leaned back in her chair, chewing on her pinky nail, wondering if she should tell him. Finally, she told him:

MistressFay: Yes, of corse I still like you! But...I have to tell you something...
CoolEnglishKid: What do you have to tell me?
MistressFay: It's...it's about school. Nobody there likes me. They all are mean to me, and avuse me and call me the most awful names! And all because I'm different...
CoolEnglishKid: Nobody? Not one person?
MistressFay: Not one.
CoolEnglishKid: But how can that be? How can they not? Your so funny, so smart, so nonjudgemental...
MistressFay: Yeah, well, here it's not like that, Chad! It's about the clothes that you wear and the style of your hair! And because they are shallow and stupid, they don't see the qualities that you see, so I gave up showing them, long ago.
CoolEnglishKid: But...why not? You should be proud of who you are, no matter what those kids say!
MistressFay: Well, easier said then done, Chad! You don't know what they say, how much it hurts...well, you will... and because of them, I can only express my true self with you. No one else understands!

At this point, tears were streaking down Elizabeth's face, and it was hard for her to see the computer monitor.

CoolEnglishKid: Well, I'll make them see!
MistressFay: I have to go, Chad. See you in a week.
CoolEnglishKid: Bye.

Elizabeth powered off the computer. As soon as she stood, her tears slowed and stopped. She quickly whipped them away and went to sit on the bed. She was glad that she had told Chad. He seemed deturmained to show everyone the true Elizabeth, deturmained to make them like her. She just hoped that it wouldn't turn into something big, something she would be punished for after Chad left.
Elizabeth's mother tapped softly at the door before poking her head in. Mrs. Cooper was a plumb, blonde woman who found family meals very important. When she saw Elizabeth sitting on her bed, staring out into space, she asked, "What's wrong, honey?"
Elizabeth jumped and swivled her head around to look at Mrs. Cooper; she was like she had just come out of a trance.
"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about Chad coming."
Mrs. Cooper entered and sat at the end of the daughter's bed.
"He finally told you about that, huh? I was wondering what he was waiting so long for."
"It really surprised me that dad's going to let him stay here for three weeks," said Elizabeth.
"Yeah, he seemed pretty convinced by the whole 'no sex before marriage' thing. But, he does keep threatening to pund Chad if he lays one hand on you."
Elizabeth furrowed her eyebrows. "You don't believe him?"
"No, I do, it's just that...it feels as though that kid has something to hid." Mrs. Cooper shook herself, then patted Elizabeth's knee. "Anyways, it's time for dinner."
Elizabeth responded with a faint "uh-huh". She turned to look out the window at the first star that was making itself visible in the Twilight sky.
The sentence Mrs. Cooper had said kept playing itself over and over in Elizabeth's head, like a broken record. It feels as though that kid has something to hid...it feels as though that kid has something to hid... something to hid...
For the strangest reason, Elizabeth found herself agreeing with her mother. Elizabeth had gad something to his from Chad, so why not Chad have something to hid from Elizabeth?

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So, what do you think? COMMENT RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF IT'S STUPID AND PETTY LIKE "I THINK IT WAS DUMB!"

Hello Dragnet. I'm The.Dreamwalker, but some call me dreamwalker or dreamy for short. I'll be reviewing your work!

Okay so ontot the critique:

Elizabeth sat down at her desk and flicked her computer on.

Okay, not the most exciting way to open up a plot line. Try adding an interesting first sentence, really attact the reader into your work. It'll pay off in the end.

CoolEnglighKid: Hello.
MistressFay: Hey.

I particularily like this way of writing when it comes to msn lingo. Very interesting, and definitly something fun! Thumbs up.

The boys drool all over you and admit to their love again?

This sounds silly in our style of language. Try making the sentence more shaped out as someone would talk nowadays like 'The boys all drooling over you and admitting their love yet?'

fingers fixed on the hime keys

Hime keys? I'm not quite sure what that is to be frankly honest with your. Readers arent dumb, but if something like that confuses them, then you might want to rethink how thats worded.

hair in ponytails withthose funny little bumps,

You might want to specifiy what 'little bumps' is and withthose should be with those.

Elizabeth was the only one who was different.

There is nothing necessarily wrong with this statement, I have just come to realise that you use the name Elizabeth more then you use She and such things. Dont be afraid of the word she. It's not that terrifying.

She would rather have a boyfriend do that to her than have to continue going through what she was now.

Um.. thats kind of not something to really aspire too. I like the fact that your character isnt perfect and all, but honestly, is she really that desperate for some male attention?

But of corse, that would never happen, they only made terrible fun of her.

Corse should be Course.

Your dad and I talked, and I convinced him.

Ah and here comes the convieniantly placed lines. The 'I talked to your dad even though I'm a random stranger in england' and the 'I had this planned for weeks. My bags are packed and I'm just going to randomly show up on your doorstep' sort of feel. Seems.. to convieniant. Almost cliche.

And if he came later, them maybe some of the girls would accept her as an aquaintence.

Them should be then.

They all are mean to me, and avuse me and call me the most awful names! And all because I'm different...

I like the idea of the 'awful names' bit but you spelled abused wrong and the whole idea of her using the word 'abused' kind of doesnt fit well. harrassed would have been a better choice.

I have to go, Chad. See you in a week.

Um, this part sounds terribly silly. She just accepts it and goes 'okay well i have to go, see yah in a week and all that jazz'. I would think she would want more details from him and stuff, so she wouldn't just leave and say 'see yah when yah get here'.

Mrs. Cooper entered and sat at the end of the daughter's bed.

This is obviously from Elizabeth's POV so I would just call Mrs. Cooper 'mother'. It sounds silly calling her Mrs. Cooper from Elizabeth's perspective.

something to hid...

You definitly have to work on this area. All your 'hides' are hid. And you have a couple grammer mistakes here and there. All together, a sloppy sounding ending. Try fixing it up a bit. Add a nice flair.

Alright so thats it for my critique. Now onto my analysis.


Okay so this piece has a ton of potential. It excited me to read it, and I did like the idea of the storyline, but you really have to reread your work, get all those kinks out. They are very distracting as a reader, and we like a good flowing read. Grammer mistakes ruin that.

Also you have have have to fix up those cliche parts. You seem to just let things flow in a chiche way, and you must think it fully through. Those schemes could be wonderful if they are put in the right way. Definitly something to ponder.

Now, onto what I liked. I lovedd your main character. She is very down to earth, although I dont much agree with a lot of things she says, I do understand them. It makes her sound interesting. You also have a very nice way of writing when it comes to your male as well. This 'chad' character sounds very curious to me, and although the 'hids' slightly ruined your ending, I do believe there is more to this chad then meets the eye

So overall, great job and you have a tonnn of potential. Keep it up! If you need anything, dont hesitate to PM me and I'll review anything you need me too

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Heya Dragnet!
I liked this. It was very interesting except for the grammar, punctuation, nitpicks like that. Dreamwalker got a lot of the stuff i have just a few more to add. Uhh, i think you should change the rating to PG13 since you mentioned sex. Well Chad is kinda interesting. He is must be very smooth to convince her dad to live with them. The only thing is would teenage boy want to live in the same house of a girl that he has never even met? It's kinda unrealistic. For all Elizabeth knows he could be a pervert, stalker, or rapist. How could she trust him so easily? The only talk online and anyone can make stuff up. Uhhhh, yep. To the nitpicks:

Chad (using the screen name CoolEnglishKid)

Well i think you should cut out the parenthesis and just make it into a sentence but its your choice.

already logged on.

Time difference. Another thing to consider. Wouldn't Chad be at a different time than her? He would be really late at night when she would be coming home from school so it really doesn't make sense.

CoolEnglighKid

Shouldn't it be CoolEnglishKid?

hole-in-the-wall web site

Whats that?

Chad and Elizabeth had immediately clicked, and, because she had full trust in him, knew that he was a kid like herself.

Uhhh VERY confusing. How does she know he was a kid like herself? Just because you have full trust in someone you don't actually know them.

Yeah well that's it I'll do. I'll leave some for others! Well I'm thinking that chad will be some super cool hot guy? OR maybe the total opposite of that. Okay! Hope this helps. PM me when you write more or need to ask a question. Can't wait to see how this goes!
-Storm