Pain from the Beauty

*I’m excited. This just came to me, and I was like, whoa. Tear it apart!*

I just want to scream.

I crouched down to the ground, covering my ears. The pain was unbelievable. It was just…..horrible.

Why? Why me? Why do all this, just to torture me?

The sirens were roaring all around me, but I didn’t know what to do. I could hear my parents screaming in the distance.

It’s too hot…..too light…

My head was pounding; I was gasping for air. My lungs felt like they were scratched raw.

The pain…

The flames were dancing all around me, taunting me with their bright reds and oranges. It was so beautiful, and I just wanted to reach out and touch it.

“Alex!! Alexandria!!!”

I ignored the calls as I reached out to feel the light. To feel the beauty that emits such heat.

“Alex!”

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me away from the fire. I clawed at the person and reached for the fire.

No! Don’t take me away. I want to feel the brightness of the flames!

“Alex, calm down,” I heard the person whisper into my ear. “Calm down.”

But….the fire...I want to dance with it. I want to dance along with the reds and yellows.

I could still hear screaming. The crying for help. The crying of pain.

The fire. Please…

I wriggled and squirmed. I tried biting and screaming. Nothing worked. The person wouldn’t let go. It just held on tighter.

No! No!
“Please?” I rasped out, looking into the stranger’s eyes. “Please, let me go.”

Yes. Let me finally dance with the beauty.

The person just looked at me like I was crazy. “What are you talking about?”

“Please, just let me down.” I stared into the depths of the person blue eyes, trying not to scream at them. The blue felt so cold, so soothing, but as hard as a stone wall. No dancing, no reds or yellows. None of it.

“No, Alex. I’m not letting you go.” The person held on to me tighter as it tried to weave its way around the flames.

Why couldn’t the person see? How could it not understand why? It was just so beautiful…

“No!” I screamed and started clawing and kicking at the person. It looked surprised and loosened its grip on me.

Now!

I pushed my way out of its arms, down into the flames.

Wh-wh-what…

I screamed. The reds and yellows covered me, shielding me from the rest of the world. I was blocked off, and the flames began their dance. On me.

No, this wasn’t supposed to happen. How can this be? How can something be so beautiful, yet, so painful?

“Alex!” I heard the person yell and I saw his shadow through the fire. His shadow danced with the flames, jumping all around the wall, or what was left of it.

That’s supposed to be me. That’s what was supposed to happen.

The pain became too much. I felt like I could just curl up and die. It was overwhelming.

“Alex!” was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.

****

“How is she doing?”

“Same. Hasn’t waken up yet.”

“Hmm….”

I could hear the annoying beeping in the background of the two people whispering. One male, one female. I was also on an uncomfortable bed. I tried shifting a bit.

Holy shit…….

The two people stopped talking. I could feel their eyes on me.

“Did you see that, Doctor?” The woman finally asked.

“Yes, yes I did,” the man replied.

Why is there a doctor? Why are they looking at me?

I slowly opened my eyes; I wanted to see what was going on.

“Alexandria?” The doctor leaned over me, looking into my eyes. “How are you feeling?”

W-w-what happened?

“Are you okay?” The doctor’s concerning, brown eyes looked into my pitiful, gray ones.

I nodded my head yes. I didn’t want to talk.

“Do you remember what happened?” He asked. I saw the lady start to say something, but the doctor stopped her.

I shook my head. What happened?

“Doctor, don’t ask her right now. Give her some time to rest.”

“Shush Merriam. I know what I’m doing.” He turned to me. “Do you remember a fire?”

I racked my brain, trying to figure out what happened. The doctor’s eyes had begun to creep me out, so I turned away and looked at the bleached white walls.

Fire….fire…

I could see Merriam tap her foot impatiently out of the corner of my eye. The look of disgust on her face clearly showed that she thought this was useless.

Fire…fire…

I looked back into the doctor’s eyes. His brown eyes were patient, but hard with determination.

Hard eyes…

I remembered the blue eyes. The blue, cold and soothing, but not what I wanted.

But did I want?

Then it hit me. The reds and yellows. The dancing and the crackling. The pain and the beauty.

“The fire,” I whispered. “There was a fire.”

The doctor nodded. “Yes. Your house caught on fire.”

I nodded as the memory came back to me.

I was asleep….and then I smelled the smoke. My parents yelling, the excruciating pain.

“Alex….we know how the fire started.” The doctor looked at me, waiting for any response.

“Doctor, no. She just woke up. Give her time,” Merriam said angrily.

The doctor just ignored her and kept looking at me. “Your brother started the fire in an attempt of suicide.”

No….no….Not Gage. No, he couldn’t have…

I felt cold as the news washed over me.

I know he was having problems, but not this much. It can’t be.

“Doctor, that’s it. We’re going to leave the girl alone now. She’s practically about to start crying, thanks to you.”

The doctor sighed and stood up. “Fine Merriam.” They walked out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts.

He wasn’t having problems….I know he wasn’t.
But I knew that I was lying to myself.

No…

I didn’t even have a chance to ask if he was okay; my parents, too. Were they okay?

I heard the door creak open again.

“Alex?”

It was the voice. The voice belonging to the person who had tried to save my life.

It walked over to my bed, and I looked into its eyes. The blue was bright, but calming. I felt myself relax.

“They said I could see you now,” The person said. “I’m Chase, remember?”

Chase Rollins…the boy who sits behind me in homeroom. The boy that everyone said had a crush on me.

“Yeah, I remember now,” I whispered. I felt him take my hand into his warm one. “Do you know anything about my brother? Or my parents?”

“Um….” He cleared his throat, looking away. “Your brother is down the ward. The doctors think he’ll be okay.”

“How about mom and dad?” I asked, the dread of the answer spreading throughout my body.

“I’m sorry, Alex. They didn’t make it.” Before he even finished the sentence, I had already felt the tears coming.

No…not mom and dad…no…

“Alex, don’t cry,” Chase said, and tried to wipe away my tears. “Shush, don’t cry.”

“It’s all the fire’s fault!” I cried out. “Why? Why?” I buried my face into his shoulder, sobbing.

He quietly put his arms around me and said nothing.

“How could something so beautiful, bring so much pain?” I asked. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“How could such pain come from the beauty?”

He said nothing and just buried his head into my charred hair. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

Hi! I'm fragile_heart(!), and I'm going to review your story today .

The pain was unbelievable.

What pain? I thought the M.C didn't go into the fire until after Chase let her go. I'm not sure if this fits into what you were aiming at, but what if you change that to "The heat was unbelievable."

I could hear my parents screaming in the distance.

This made me curious. Were the just screaming out in horror, or screaming someone's name? Calling for help?

It just held on tighter.

It sounds a bit robotic....maybe try "They just held on tighter."

The blue felt so cold, so soothing, but as hard as a stone wall.

I really liked this line, but I think you could've expanded onto it. Like: "The blue felt so cold, so soothing; the ice contrary to the flames." Just because it makes me think of Fire and Ice by Robert Frost.

It looked surprised and loosened its grip on me.

Again, a bit robotic. Wouldn't M.C realise the gender of the person taking her away?

That’s supposed to be me. That’s what was supposed to happen.

I don't really get this line. I thought M.C wanted to feel the flames, to dance with them. Now she wants to be a rescuer?

I was asleep….and then I smelled the smoke. My parents yelling, the excruciating pain.

I think that if you changed this a bit, it would add to the groggy, disoriented effect. "My parents yelling...the excruciating pain..."

“Alex, don’t cry,” Chase [s]said[/s]murmured tenderly, and tried to wipe away my tears. “Shush, don’t cry.”

“How could something so beautiful, bring so much pain?” I asked. “Why?”

You don't need that little comma in there.

On another note....
I really liked this story. I felt a sort of undercurrent to it...like reality itself. It seems like all that is beautiful seems to bring pain in some way. I"m no pyro, but fire has always seemed to mesmerize me somehow, so I guess that's how I could really empathize with Alexandria.


- A

Cat! Here is a review, served warm.
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It was so beautiful, and I just wanted to reach out and touch it.

Never just call something beautiful. At least I think this is decent advice to give, because there's always telling the reader something is beautiful, and then letting the reader see the beauty right before their eyes. So, how is the fire beautiful? Give us descriptive language!

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me away from the fire. I clawed at the person and reached for the fire.

Both these sentences end in "the fire". Try using the "flames" or "fiery licks" or something different from "fire".

No! Don’t take me away. I want to feel the brightness of the flames!

Oh wait, there's the word flames. Well, either way, rearrange the sentences with the double "the fire" endings so you don't have repeats or the subject at the end of the sentence twice.

But….the fire...I want to dance with it. I want to dance along with the reds and yellows.

- Try not to use so many ellipses. They're very passive looking, and -- this is really more of a personal opinion -- they make the reader read too passively. Commas are your friend! Maybe rephrase something like: "But, the fire... "
- You switch to present tense for a moment. If it's in her thoughts, italicize it, since her thoughts would be present tense while the actual narration is past tense. I think you would be better off saying, "I wanted to dance with. I wanted to dance along with the reds and yellows", since I think it sounds better like that than as thoughts in her head.

But did I want?

What did I want? Typo, I think.

“They said I could see you now,” The person said. “I’m Chase, remember?”

"the" should be in lowercase.

Chase Rollins…the boy who sits behind me in homeroom. The boy that everyone said had a crush on me.

Again, here, I think the ellipses should be a comma.

---

Very intense!

For the beginning part, when Alex is desiring to be with the flames, I think you should give a bit of setting. Where are the flames she is struggling for? In a room, is she outside? Perhaps describe the smoke as well.

As for the rest, I find myself a little confused as to who actually started the fire. Was it Gage? Is that her younger brother? Whoever this person is, they needed to be included more in the storyline. Right now, the maker of the flames is kind of off to side, we can't really get a grip on who they are. Perhaps, have a scene where she watches the flames be created, so we can see where this entire scenario is coming from, so we know who, and why, and how. This would clear up some of the confusion that begins to pop up at the end of the story.

Another thing to be clarified: her fascination with the flame, though I sort of get into it in my comments at the beginning of this. Besides the colors, why is the flame so beautiful to Alex? You have a very intriguing concept here -- someone desiring fire, and then being destroyed by, but I think you can buff up the story with more descriptive language. By adding more imagery, we can feel Alex's obsession with the fire more, and then more clearly feel her pain from it.

Pyromania... I don't think I've ever read about it before. Very cool, and I find myself wondering about the fascination with fire. What makes someone fascinated with fire? Though it clearly exists, because there ARE pyromaniacs, so your story has a clear basis. You just need to explore the concept more.

Ooh! I hope I helped. PM me if you have questions, and just PM me whenever!

~ Clo