Holy Rolling (6)

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[franklin]

Phoebe Winston sat in the cusionless chair with her hands kept neatly in her lap and her spine erected severely. Her mouth was tiny and strict. Her hips were too narrow. She had pink, anthill breasts that barely breathed against her blouse. There was a kind of wasted perfection about her. The plain, pious way she wore her hair, in a steel bun, like the shell of a beetle. The reigned meticulousness of her fingernails. Straight, woven dress, no nonsense. The precipice of her nose. Just the smallest dabbing of lady-like sweat on her upper lip.
She wore her skin like a uniform.
And age wore her like the yellowing, well-traveled pages of a bible.
The only things out of place about Phoebe were her silly, unchristian name and her teeth. Her crooked, carcassed teeth. Stained and rusty. A row of poisoned, sick trinkets. Unevenly space, rotting, atrocious in their foulness. She kept her lips closed around them. She kept them secret and out of sight. Her cheeks were smooth from the infrequency of a smile.
She smelled of chamomile and abstinence.
Phoebe sat in front of Pastor Franklin's desk. Charlotte, her daughter, sat beside her. She held her head in her hands. Franklin was playing with his pen and avoiding eye contact. He had stripped off his coat and loosened his collar and the window was propped open, letting in flies and the sound of cars choking on the road.
It was a real shame about the Gibbs boy. Real, godawful shame. Shot himself clean in the mouth. The girl's eyes were red and sick looking, like round sucker wounds left on the legs by leeches. He opened his mouth to speak, but lost the words, and closed it again. The carnival of the flies.
Phoebe said, “Pastor, let me make things clear and short. Charlotte was sinning with this boy. She was pretty much whoring with this boy. She's got no more grace. She's a stain and a dishonor. But God in his great and infinite mercy will provide forgiveness. You know this. He always does. Even for her kind.”
She paused.
The sin crawled and groveled in the the curdled shadows of the room, unseen, like a monster under the bed. Festering and licking at fingertips. Franklin kept his lips tight and his eyes down.
“First, I want you to pray for her immortal soul, Pastor. God knows that I've prayed enough. And maybe she'll find it within her to change. Second, I would like it if you could find some work for her to do. Some work around the church. Maybe if she's somewhere holy she'll realize the heaviness of what she's done.”
In a strangled voice, Charlotte said. “Mother, I do. I swear I do! I'm sorry. I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million times more until you hear me, but I'm sorry.”
“Doesn't make things any better. Don't apologize to me. Apologize to your Father in heaven.”
She looked at Franklin.
“Can you do that for me?”
Franklin sighed and shrugged. “Listen, Phoebe. I think I know what you're going through. And I can't deny what Charlotte did was a sin. It was. But people will be people. Sin's our big brother.”
“Christ is our brother.” Phoebe looked offended.
“Sure, sure. You're right. He is. He's right there with us, too, even in all of our sins. Your daughter looks sorry enough. She looks like she knows the 'heaviness'. She's a good girl, Mrs. Winston. Let her and Jesus work it out between themselves. Let's do it that way, okay?”
Phoebe's lips shriveled and tightened in on themselves, and her face grew passive and distant, color draining out of her cheeks, like a yolk being sucked out of an egg by a weasel. Charlotte was looking out of the window, her mouth hanging open slightly. Her face fallen and swollen. Her whole body still trembling a little bit. The soul, slumped and shouldered. A pale resemblance, tired, like it's seen the whole world. Just want to sit and think. Sit on the curb. Dry and old already, he could tell. The grind and squeal of unoiled chastity.
Franklin looked back down at his hands.
He didn't like this spoiling of youth.
Phoebe Winston stood. He could hear her dress slithering, molting on her body. She pulled at Charlotte's shoulder who stood up behind her. She walked to the door, opened it, and looked back at Franklin.
“Pastor, you're a spineless, godless man.”
Franklin stood up and pointed at her. “Now wait a minute!”
“And you can stop calling her my daughter. She is no daughter of mine.”
The heat chafed.

[mathis]

Mathis had his thumbs through his belt-loops. He was smoking a cigarette. Daniels was talking to him – fast, incomprehensible words. His flustered hands. Boot heels crunching on the hard dirt. Mathis wasn't listening. He felt muddled and sedated by the fatty heat. The sun shone so pale, it looked ill. There were thin, beggarly clouds humping the horizon, circling, but keeping far away, like scavengers restless around a left-over body.
The few trees were white-skinned and shy, like undressed women.
Mathis tipped up his hat brim and flicked his cigarette to the road side.
Daniels was saying, “Aw, hell, my nose was picking up that godawful scent from all the way clear up the road and I was thinking what in the Lord's good name is that? And so I drove out here and I heard nothing, man. Dead, crap silence. No hogs or chickens. Shoot, man, I got out of my car and checked the stile and the coop and all my animals were dead. Ever' single one of em. It was all I could do to keep my stomach. Lord in heaven, the stench'll knock the breath right out of you...”
Mathis nodded.
He could smell something in the air.
Barely there, waiting. A suggestion of rot and decay.
The day was completely silent. Still and blue and secret. Hiding something. The trees were abolitionists. The shadows crouching and hounded at their bases by the light, like runaway slaves. Daniels pointed out the stile and the dumpy, squatted chicken coop, titled slightly to one side as if it were a head regarding the faraway clouds. Mathis sniffed again. The smell of fetid guts and hot, unused flesh, breeding in the heat.
They walked into the stile first. Mathis could almost feel the touch of the smell, could feel it crawling up his pant leg and slicking back his hair and pulling at his throat muscles. Dilated, naked. The heat spread its legs and wallowed in the smutty odor. He pulled out his bandanna and pressed it to his nose, coughing and holding his stomach. Daniels stood a little way off, still talking.
In the shade of the stile, he saw them. The black, mud-crusted bodies of seven or eight hogs, fat and stump-legged. Flies haggled and philosophized, congregating on the soggy flesh, diseased dabbing proboscises and wings, black and glittering, like the sweat on a negro's back. A casino of sickness and old meat. Just laying there. Mouths partially open, filled with flies. Eyes shriveled and wormy with slippery grubs. Mathis took his flashlight out of his belt and shined it into the shadows. He scanned the light up and down the bloated bodies. No signs of predators. No signs of struggle. Just the corpses. Peaceful and pupating.
He walked away and took a breath of air.
“See anything, Sheriff?”
He shook his head. “Nope. They're just lying there. What's in the coop?”
Daniels took him to the coop. Mathis put the handkerchief back over his nose and stepped in. Flies. Ghostly feathers and a thin spreading of hay and dry dung. There were hens and a few chicks strewn around the coop, stiff-bodied and strict-mouthed. Lying there white and dessicated. Deaf to the buzzing, nauseating fly-songs. Spoiled eggs in the nests. A filthy rooster, green-blue tail feathers curving behind him like peelings of the nighttime.
Mathis stepped out.
He put the handkerchief back in his pocket and took a cigarette out. He offered one to Daniels who accepted. They lit up and started walking back up the road.
“Sorry, Daniels. I don't see anything that would make me say this was a dog or a kid or something. It looks like they all just plopped over and died. I mean, look at the hogs. They're lying in the shade. All together. They aint got no wounds or nothing either. No footprints. Nothing out of place, right?”
Daniels nodded, his rawhide face sinking a little in thought and worry, features almost melting, dissolving in the dusty hot, like swallowed pills.
Mathis continued. “I bet it was just the heat. I think it was heatstroke is all.”
“Gonna be helluva mess to clean up.”
Mathis nodded and bit the inside of his cheek and looked warily up at the sky.
The heat preened.

(A/N): Somewhat slow again. Needed to introduce Phoebe Winston, though. More on her later.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hey Ky!

Her crooked, carcassed teeth. Stained and rusty. A row of poisoned, sick trinkets. Unevenly space, rotting, atrocious in their foulness.


Usually I don't mind when you use fragments, but having a line of them doesn't work. Try connecting these fragments.

Franklin sighed and shrugged. “Listen, Phoebe. I think I know what you're going through. And I can't deny what Charlotte did was a sin. It was. But people will be people. Sin's our big brother.”


Sin's should be Sins

Well, this was another job well down. Really there isn't nothing to nit-pick over. Yeah, I'll agree that this is going slow but it's still entertaining.

Keep writing!

~Angel
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star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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=D Back for more~

Phoebe Winston sat in the cusionless chair with her hands kept neatly in her lap and her spine erected severely.


*cushionless
But also... 'erected severely' is a really awkward phrase, even more so than 'severely erected'. I think, if you wanted, you might not even have to say severely here, because it definitely comes through in the rest of the description about her. ^_^ Just consider rephrasing it; I don't know if it sounded weird when you wrote it, but it does to me. =P

The plain, pious way she wore her hair, in a steel bun, like the shell of a beetle.


I don't think you need the comma after bun, because you're saying the bun was like the shell of a beetle, yes, not the way she wore her hair? Also, this was one of the places where I thought the severity of her character really shone through. This is the only even slightly cliched definition of a strict lady, and the rest were just fantastic. It was really gorgeous description, Kylan. Bravo.

The only things out of place about Phoebe were her silly, unchristian name and her teeth.


I even liked this. I loved it, in fact, because though some people might think that over-strictness is a flaw in itself, you went further to add a different kind of twist. I dislike this sentence though, because though it's grammatically correct, it just seems like the phrasing is kind of weird. D: I think you might be able to break this up into two sentences and phrase them differently or something. ^_^

Charlotte, her daughter, sat beside her. She held her head in her hands.


Don't know if you caught this, but there's a bit of ambiguity here. Who held whose head in their hands? You say Charlotte, but the next 'her's refer to Phoebe, so we don't know if you're talking about Charlotte in the next sentence or not. If you are, you might say 'the girl held her head in her hands' or something like that? ^_^

It was a real shame about the Gibbs boy. Real, godawful shame. Shot himself clean in the mouth. The girl's eyes were red and sick looking, like round sucker wounds left on the legs by leeches.


Sure, this is probably the stream of thought the pastor is having, but there's no connection between the two thoughts. D: Try to make some kind of connection?

She was pretty much whoring with this boy.


Well, from the little I know about Phoebe, I'm really not sure she'd use the phrase 'pretty much'. She seems strictly set in her ways so that she'd be able to form a solid opinion without using those vague intensifiers. =P But, if I'm wrong, then leave it. C:

The sin crawled and groveled in the the curdled shadows of the room, unseen, like a monster under the bed. Festering and licking at fingertips.


Just a quick suggestion here would be to extend the metaphor of the first sentence to the second as well. Fingertips hung lazily over the side of the bed or something like that? =D

Charlotte said. “Mother, I


Comma after said. ^_^

She looked at Franklin.

“Can you do that for me?”


It kind of gets through if I assume, but you might want to clarify who is looking at Franklin. C:

“Pastor, you're a spineless, godless man.”

Franklin stood up and pointed at her. “Now wait a minute!”

“And you can stop calling her my daughter. She is no daughter of mine.”


I think you should capitalize 'Godless'? But this is fantastic. This is beautiful tension and you just hit us with it without giving any warning. ^_^ -thumbs up-

There were thin, beggarly clouds humping the horizon, circling, but keeping far away, like scavengers restless around a left-over body.


I love this sentence, but it gets a little confusing after the middle. You say they are far away, which might mean they're far away from the horizon or far away from the people and the town you're describing. The first wouldn't make sense of course, so you, again, might want to clarify.

Mathis sniffed again. The smell of fetid guts and hot, unused flesh, breeding in the heat.


=O Ooooh, fantastic, but didn't you say earlier he could only smell at hint of it, then Daniels could smell it a long ways away? I'm just not sure of the spacial contexts at the three parts where you reference it. D:

There were hens and a few chicks strewn around the coop, stiff-bodied and strict-mouthed.


Strict-mouthed is not my favorite description for them. It kind of hearkens back to Phoebe in the first part of this, which is a really odd and confusing comparison if you meant it to be that way. =P Plus they've got beaks and not mouths! Hehehe. =]

Still in love with this piece. Especially the heat personification at the end of that last part. Preened is great.

Also, I didn't think this piece was really slow at all. It just had more understated conflict -- the conflict in the relationship between Phoebe and Charlotte is INTENSE, just not explosively so. ^_^ The characterization in the first part is spectacular, though I'm not really feeling any specifics with Mathis -- he could be just any guy checking out a friends' dead animals. I'm sure you'll reveal more as you go along though, so I'm not too worried. ^_^

Keep going and PM me when you've got more fantastic work for me to look through! ^_^

-Hannah-
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Well, Kylan, I have to say that this was an interesting portion and that I liked it. The first section with the Pastor was rather well done. I thought that the character of Phoebe played well against the Pastor and that she will make a very good addition to the story. I also liked the characters in the second section. They seem to be the only sane people in this story, simple and down to earth about what's going on around them, and I like them for that.

This story is going good so far. Sorry if this is a little short. I'm just not finding much wrong with this section at all. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
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Ky! I love how you PM the work right to me, I don't even have to go looking for it. I wish everyone did this.
---
Phoebe Winston sat in the cusionless chair with her hands kept neatly in her lap and her spine erected severely.

"Erected severely" sounds rather -- painful -- and reads as exceptionally awkward. I tried rearranging the sentence to make it sound less strange, but I can't seem to come up with a magical cure for this one. "Erected" carries with it its connotations, and its fine on its own, but coupled with a harsh word like "severely" it just comes across as, well, unfortunately, awkward. I think you're going to have to think of a new way of explaining it.

The reigned meticulousness of her fingernails.

I think "reigning" would sound better here, unless I have the context wrong.

Straight, woven dress, no nonsense. The precipice of her nose. Just the smallest dabbing of lady-like sweat on her upper lip.

Besides my little nitpickings thus far, you have dominated in the description of her. I can picture her so easily.

She wore her skin like a uniform.
And age wore her like the yellowing, well-traveled pages of a bible.

Love.
Simply,
Love this.

Unevenly space, rotting, atrocious in their foulness.

Typo: Unevenly spaced.

“Doesn't make things any better. Don't apologize to me. Apologize to your Father in heaven.”

Hm. Double meaning here? Is her father deceased?

Franklin looked back down at his hands.
He didn't like this spoiling of youth.

This is very interesting character development, because I've never spotted this level of caring so far in the story, and now he seems like a trustworthy protagonist -- deceptive? I'm not sure. Interesting, though.

Wow! Good portion of the story, I say. Do you live in the South, Midwest, Ky? You capture the setting so well. I am entirely convinced by the characters and the setting descriptions, it's all real in my head while I read it.

I can't wait for more.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Hey, Kylan!

After the intensity of last chapter, I'm glad that this one was slightly slower. I like the fact that we got to be introduced to Phoebe. I like her already. She's the sort of prissy, I've-never-sinned-in-my-life-before character that I'd absolutely love to read about. I can sort of tell that Charlotte is depressed that her mother is dragging her to talk to her Pastor. I like this hint that you've given us. I don't think that Charlotte is very religious. I think she is one of those kids that their parents have to drag them to Sunday morning mass every week. But then again, in the last chapter, I thought it sounded like Jim had raped Charlotte, and so Phoebe has it all wrong. Hm... I like the irony in this chapter

She smelled of chamomile and abstinence.


I love the line.

The second part was a bit boring to me. But I guess you're just setting up the plot. I know that it will become interesting again. After all, you wrote it. I'm still in shock with that last chapter that I love so much. I hope there is another smash-bang chapter like that one again.

I don't like Pastor Franklin all that much. To me, he seems like he's just there. Like he doesn't have a real big part in the story, although he's been used a bit more than the other characters. I hope that in the future chapters, you've fleshed him out a little more. His dialog doesn't sound like a pastor to me, very much. I would think that a pastor takes a chance to look at both sides of the problem (Phoebe's and Charlotte's). After they have both told their side of the story to him, I think he should then make a decision. Then we would be able to see what kind of a man the pastor is.

Great work, by the way.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau