The night beckons

The Night Beckons

Sick and tired of the contrasting swishing and swirling of emotions that roiled through her. Not only did it rush through her head but it even had the audacity to pass through her stomach once in a while causing a slight pang when she thought back to a point she felt particularly guilty about. Paige turned onto her back and surveyed the night sky surrounding her, as she settled against down as if on her favourite coarse woollen blanket, the tips of the green blades of grass tickling the curve of her neck. With half lidded eyes, she stared deep into the velvety black sky interspersed between the quietly shimmering stars, and wondered why on earth it felt so good to be this desolately alone. Okay it didn’t feel good to her all the time... but on many occasions like this where a cool, breezy, summer night, with a sky free of clouds came along, she found herself yet again laying herself down in the middle of the night onto the same stretch of scratchy, slightly spiky grass that overlayed the top of the rolling hill, before descending into an even darker turmoil. It was not like it was particularly warm or welcoming but she was alone, and it was quiet.
Sighing deeply, she conceded to closing her eyes which had been waging a secret, silent battle with her brain which refused to let her doze off, lest she find herself in the same spot the next morning. She found herself literally breathing in everything around her, the dust, dirt, damp dew, soil, earth, trees, the dark smoothness that was the night, the sky, the stars, the moon and the everlasting, ever present silence that surrounded her. Safe? That was hardly a feeling that any normal person lying out in a deserted field in the middle of the night would feel, but that was exactly what she felt.
She used to catch herself yearning at some points during the day that night would descend quickly so that she could feel this sweet release again. Breathing out again, she let all those smells float indefinitely back to their rightful places and felt her skin break out in goose bumps as a shiver ran through her body, all her emotions leaving with it, as if seeping through her pores and sinking into the ground right beneath her. Then that feeling of contentment, a happy, dozy, buzzing of the brain, as if a captain experiencing calm waters after a violent, stormy night. Her mind deliciously blank, she revelled in the fact she could no longer feel, hear, smell or taste that previous tumult of emotion, only the delightful emptiness. If that’s what nature could do to her, what did it make her? A romantic? She thought, thinking back to all those drowsy English lessons with Mrs Gunther and discussing what she felt were pointless notions about what were obviously the result of Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s drug induced high’s. No hopefully not.. with any luck she wouldn’t have to resort to downing bottles of laudanum any time soon.
However at times like these, she did feel mysteriously giddy. At some points she’d lived if only for that giddiness that seemed to black everything out. It had given her a break from the constant flow of strain and stress that was involved in thinking, feeling and simply being. She had craved it, which she guessed made her no better than Coleridge. Those days, she had found herself in the quietly undisturbed field nearly every night, trying to satisfy the need that would hopefully keep her going until the next night. Those nights, the dark field seemed to welcome her back with open arms, as if knowing she’d come back. That she needed to come back. It was like a living, breathing atmosphere that smiled tentatively as she approached, ensnaring her deeper and deeper into its web of light headedness before eventually wrapping her like a babe in a warm woollen blanket, where she felt at home. It knew her only too well, like a distant aunt who you hadn’t seen but had been informed about your life slowly but surely through your mothers gossiping mouth that span out every inch of detail or tit bit of information she had found by snooping through your room. Yes, those were the times that the night had owned her. Captured her in an impenetrable tower, high about the sparse tree lines and white fluffy clouds where she couldn’t or hadn’t wanted to escape. That still remained a topic of debate within the deep, winding crevices of her mind even now, although she’d never dare to admit which one of them was more true.

(c) MJ 2008/9

Hey, you really need to break this story up into smaller paragraphs! It will make your reviewers happier and more willing to read. EDIT: I just realized you were new. Your first post isn't supposed to be on the literary forums! It should be in the welcome forum so all the nice people there can help you get acquainted to the site. Then you post reviews. You need a 2:1 ratio (two reviews to everything you post) now go here and introduce yourself properly! I hope you enjoy the site (and my critique, of course )

mel.j wrote:Sick and tired of the contrasting swishing and swirling of emotions that roiled through her.

This is bad right here! You don't have a noun or a direct person your talking about say, "[Insert her name] was sick and tired..."

Not only did it rush through her head but it even had the audacity to pass through her stomach once in a while causing a slight pang when she thought back to a point she felt particularly guilty about. Paige turned onto her back and surveyed the night sky surrounding her, as she settled against down as if on her favourite coarse woollen blanket, the tips of the green blades of grass tickled the curve of her neck.

With half-lidded eyes, she stared deep into the velvety black sky interspersed between the [s]quietly[/s] shimmering stars, and wondered why on earth it felt so good to be [s]this desolately[/s] so alone. Okay it didn’t feel good to her all the time... but on many occasions like this where a cool, breezy, summer night, with a sky free of clouds came along, she found herself yet again laying herself down in the middle of the night onto the same stretch of scratchy, slightly spiky grass that overlayed the top of the rolling hill, before descending into an even darker turmoil. It was not like it was particularly warm or welcoming but she was alone, and it was quiet.

You're overusing adverbs!

Sighing deeply, she conceded to closing her eyes which had been waging a secret, silent battle with her brain which refused to let her doze off, lest she find herself in the same spot the next morning. She found herself literally breathing in everything around her, the dust, dirt, damp dew, soil, earth, trees, the dark smoothness that was the night, the sky, the stars, the moon and the everlasting, ever present silence that surrounded her. Safe?

You said "which" twice in the same sentence. Change it.

She used to catch herself yearning at some points during the day that night would descend quickly so that she could feel this sweet release again. Breathing out again, she let all the smells float [s]indefinitely[/s] back to their rightful places and felt her skin break out in [bgoosebumps[/b] as a shiver ran through her body, all her emotions left with it as if seeping out her pores and sinking into the ground right beneath her. Then that feeling of contentment, a happy, dozy, buzzing of the brain, as if a captain experiencing calm waters after a violent, stormy night. Her mind deliciously blank, she revelled in the fact she could no longer feel, hear, smell or taste that previous tumult of emotion, only the delightful emptiness. If that’s what nature could do to her, what did it make her? A romantic? She thought, thinking back to all those drowsy English lessons with Mrs Gunther and discussing what she felt were pointless notions about what were obviously the result of Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s drug induced high’s. No hopefully not.. with any luck she wouldn’t have to resort to downing bottles of laudanum any time soon.

You used "as if" two times in the same sentence. Change it.

At some point[s]s[/s] she’d lived if only for that giddiness that seemed to black everything out. It had given her a break from the constant flow of strain and stress that was involved in thinking, feeling and simply being. She had craved it, which she guessed made her no better than Coleridge. Those days, she had found herself in the quietly undisturbed field nearly every night, trying to satisfy the need that would hopefully keep her going until the next night. Those nights, the dark field seemed to welcome her back with open arms, as if knowing she’d come back. That she needed to come back. It was like a living, breathing atmosphere that smiled [s]tentatively[/s] as she approached, ensnaring her deeper and deeper into its web of light headedness before eventually wrapping her like a babe in a warm woollen blanket, where she felt at home. It knew her only too well, like a distant aunt who you hadn’t seen but had been informed about your life slowly but surely through your mothers gossiping mouth that span out every inch of detail or tidbit of information she had found by snooping through your room. Yes, those were the times that the night had owned her. Captured her in an impenetrable tower, high about the sparse tree lines and white fluffy clouds where she couldn’t or hadn’t wanted to escape. That still remained a topic of debate within the deep, winding crevices of her mind even now, although she’d never dare to admit which one of them was more true.

Okay, you use adverbs a lot. Adverbs are fun and everything, but you should use them sparingly. They're not always needed!

I rather liked the idea behind this.... Hope I helped!

---Dahlia

She was sick and tired of the contrasting swishing and swirling of emotions that roiled through her. Not only did it rush through her head but it even had the audacity to pass through her stomach once in a while. It [s]causing[/s] caused a slight pang when she thought back to a point she felt particularly guilty about.

This is a slightly long sentence. I tried to break it up for you. You may need to reword it a little.

Paige turned onto her back and surveyed the night sky surrounding her. As she settled against down as if on her favourite coarse woollen blanket, the tips of the green blades of grass tickling the curve of her neck.[/

The underlined sentence was kind of confusing. I didn't really get what you were saying.

Okay, it didn’t feel good to her all the time... but on many occasions like this where a cool, breezy, summer night, with a sky free of clouds came along, she found herself yet again laying herself down in the middle of the night onto the same stretch of scratchy, slightly spiky grass that overlayed the top of the rolling hill, before descending into an even darker turmoil.

This is way too long to be just one sentence. You will probably have to to re-word and seperate it.

It's pretty much the same errors repeating after this. It is a really good story and it is really well written. Just try to shorten up some sentences. Good luck!