New Day

Do you hang on
to yesterday's newspaper,
believing it to be
the rarest of all treasures?

Accept the message
pressed between the inkblots
and move on.

Today,
new headlines will be made,
the foundation of tomorrow.

The night recedes.
A new sunrise beckons.
Follow it.

I like this poem. It's profound and relevant! ^_^

Just one little nit-picky thing:

believing it to be

the rarest of all treasures?

"Believing it to be" is, to me, REALLY awkward phrasing. D: "Believing it is" or even trying to work in some kind of newspaper terminology would be better, in my opinion. Which brings me to my main point about this poem : the message is clear, deep, and modern, but it seems a bit plain and simple to me. However, I see something peeking through that I believe could really make it fantastic.

What if you focused on the idea of newspapers, since that's what you open the poem with, and make all the verbs or metaphors related to newspapers -- headlines, due dates, etc. ^_^ I think that would be pretty cool and definitely original!

=D Still, even if you don't rework it, it's good!

-Hannah-

niteowl wrote:Do you hang on
to yesterday's newspaper,
believing it to be
the rarest of all treasures?

I cringed at the line breaks, all of which seem random at best. What is so special about the second line that it cannot be merged with the first? What about the third and fourth lines? Remember, having a poem "look good" is about the least important thing to consider when writing a piece. Unless you have woven some stroke of brilliance into these line breaks, I suggest rearranging them so that when the line does end, it does so for a reason or perhaps even an aesthetic pause. This poem, so far, has neither.

Accept the message
pressed between the inkblots
and move on.

Interesting. Apparently the message is "between" the inkblots, and I assume that this is implying that there is a hidden message within the words as per the saying "between the lines". If that is not the case, then change the "between" because in my opinion, it makes no sense.

Today,
new headlines will be made,
the foundation of tomorrow.

Please, no. I have heard "foundation of tomorrow" too many times to count, and it has become a cliche and a blight on your poem. It is along the lines of "children of the future", "laying the ground for the next generation", etc, sayings that are basically empty and at best are skeletons of ideas. Instead of saying that it is a foundation, you need to show us some imagery, considering there is none in the rest of your poem. It would do you good to paint us some picture, some metaphor of what the future is, in these lines; it is the most appropriate place to do so in the poem.

The night recedes.
A new sunrise beckons.
Follow it.

Boring ending, as it does nothing but reiterate what you said in the last two stanzas. This means that 75% of your poem is saying the same thing over and over again without introducing any new ideas. Keep the imagery of the sunrise but don't overdo your preachiness (as you have done in this last stanza). Simply show what you feel is so significant about the sunrise, and the reader will connect the dots from there by himself.

Overall, a disappointing poem if one was looking for something deep and meaningful, but not bad for something to be read quickly and be smiled at before moving on to other works. I won't remember this poem five minutes after I log out of Young Writers' Society, I can tell you that much. Then again, since it was apparently written so long ago, I doubt you have much use for it anymore.

Hope that helped.

Hello! Peanut here.

Accept the message
pressed between the inkblots
and move on.

Could you be a little clearer with this, please?

Today,
new headlines will be made,
the foundation of tomorrow.

Perfetto! Assolutamente meraviglioso! That means "Perfect! Absolutely wonderful!" I loved the description in this stanza, and it really seems to click with the whole meaning and point of the poem.

The night recedes.
A new sunrise beckons.
Follow it.

Try putting that a little more like this;

"The night recedes,
and a new sunrise beckons.
Follow it."

A tiny change is all.
Over- all, this poem was really, very good. Sorry for the Italian, but I'm learning and I'm excited about it. Plus, it sounded really cool, didn't it?
Very good job!

I liked this. The message made it, I think, and I like the way it was so clearly and concisely put. The only real problem for me is that it's rather abrupt; I think it's the full stops in the last stanza. It just gets kind of jerky, you know? I think Peanut has the right idea - you could probably smooth that out by inserting an "and" in there. I'm also not sure about the line breaks in the first stanza - it's a bit choppy. You might want to experiment a bit there.

Overall a nice poem though. Kudos

Cheers,
~bubbles

niteowl wrote:Do you hang on
to yesterday's newspaper,
believing it to be
the rarest of all treasures?

Accept the message
pressed between the inkblots
and move on.

Today,
new headlines will be made,
the foundation of tomorrow.

The night recedes.
A new sunrise beckons.
Follow it.

This is really good, but it doesn't seem much like a poem, the first verse is very well written, but i am no poetry expert though. It just seems a bit bullet pointed this, especially this verse,

Today,
new headlines will be made,
the foundation of tomorrow.

The last verse seems like there is another part to it, it would be better longer, it seemed too short to me.

Smart and clear point. I like the message.