Dreams of Giants

EDIT: Thanks to my reviewers, the first draft of my story has been edited. It can be viewed here: [spoiler]I have asked the question thousands of times. I have answered the question thousands of times. Always, the question remains the same, and always the answer morphs into something more. Always the answer becomes more wonderful; more terrible. I doubt whether any of the answers represent the truth, but each one is in and of itself an exciting prospect. Each one represents a possibility. I have never been able to accurately gauge truth. I have never been too interested in gauging truths. How can I care about truths, when possibilities are far more intriguing; far more enticing? Maybe this is because with possibilities, you never really know what's going to happen. They always seem mysterious. They always seem dangerous...

I tell a story about the real world. Or rather about a real world that might exist. I do not know the true answer to the question that has plagued my mind for longer than I can remember, but I tell a story about one of the many possible answers. And since the answer is only a possibility, I can inject it with mystery. Since my tale tells only of possibility, I know as little of its truth as you do. I, however, look more closely at the converse: you can only tell me it's a lie as much as I myself can.

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. The question I ask is this: Is our world real, and if not, which master story teller gave birth to the idea of creating our world? My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real. Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.
____

There is a universe, not very different to our own in appearance. But appearances can be deceiving. The deception stems from the fact that unlike our own, the universe of which I speak is real. Within this mighty universe, lies a world far larger than our own. Blue rivers lie across this world’s surface, leaving small, fertile islands floating between riverbanks. The archipelago stretches across all four corners of the world. Those who inhabit the world have christened it Garuana. Translated into English, Garuana means simply the world. It is in Garuana that our world was first conceived.

The Order of Kavaria is the largest center of knowledge in all of Garuana. Inside this religious monastery a relic lies. Only the elite of the Garuanaens know of its existence, and outside of the island Kavaria, knowledge of its existence is almost unheard of. In our world, however, its existence is known by even the lowliest of people. Inside of our world, though, it is not defined as a relic. Inside of our world, it is known as the world itself.

Inside the monastery’s library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end. The book has existed for as long as anyone can remember. It is not dated, and its title page contains only the book’s title: “The Chronicles of Earth”, and the name of its writer: Quirantino. Nobody knows who Quirantino was.
___

Stormy clouds decorated the mountain peak. An opaque mist covered the crosslegged man who sat concealed from the view of even the mountain-eagles. Baduin Quirantino’s eyes opened. A notepad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl. The pages were weathered. It appeared that they had withstood several violent storms. Two years after he had first visited the mountain’s peak, Baduin Quirantino, heir descended from the long Quirantino dynasty, left it for the final time. His lips were curled into the wry smile that can only be attained by those who have true reason to celebrate.

The final chapter of the manuscript was complete.

Notepad in hand, Baduin Quarantino returned to his home on the island of Kavaria, to insert the final chapter into The Chronicles of Earth.[/spoiler]

The second draft of the prologue follows.

Prologue

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. Have you ever asked yourself that one question? Do you know that our world is real? Do you ever wonder which master story teller wrote our story?

Many a time have I asked the question of myself. The answer to this question is one of possibility, and always, it morphs into something more. Something more wonderful; more terrible. I do not tend to worry whether each answer is true, because possibilities have always intrigued me so. Maybe this is because as long as there is doubt, there is always mystery. As long as there is doubt, there is always danger...

I tell a story about the real world. Or rather about a real world that might exist. My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real. Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.
___

There is a universe, not very different to our own in appearance. But appearances can be deceiving. The deception stems from the fact that unlike our own, the universe of which I speak is real. Within this mighty universe, lies a planet far larger than our own. Clear blue rivers lie across its surface, leaving small, fertile islands floating between riverbanks. Those who inhabit the world have christened it Garuana. Translated into English, Garuana means simply the world. It is in Garuana that our universe was first conceived.

The archipelago stretches across all four corners of Garuana. The largest of its islands is known as Hyvria. Although geographically Hyvria is about twice the size of any other island in the archipelago, it is home to few. Most of Hyvria's inhabitants live alone, and any plans to colonize it have long since been abandoned. Archaeologists and historians alike have speculated that this is due to its treacherous landscape, which is almost entirely made up of mountains.

About fifty miles to the East of Hyvria, lies the smaller island of Kavaria. Kavaria is viewed by many traders as the most lucrative port in the East. But Kavaria is not merely a sailor's island. Kavaria also plays host to the largest center of knowledge in all of Garuana: The Library of Kavaria.

Inside this library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end. The book has existed for as long as anyone can remember. It is not dated, and the worn cover holds only the book’s title: “The Chronicles of Earth”, and what is presumably the last name of its writer: Quirantino. Even the mysterious librarian does not know where or when the book was placed in the glass box in the library’s attic.
___

Stormy clouds decorated the mountain peak. An opaque mist covered the crosslegged man who sat concealed from the view of even the mountain eagle circling overhead. Baduin Quirantino’s eyes opened, their deep blue invisible beneath the fog. A writer's pad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl. The pages were a weathered yellow. It appeared that they had withstood several violent storms. He rose, fountain-pen tucked between his robes, and descended the mountain for the final time. Starlight Peak would never see another member of the ancient Quirantino dynasty.

Baduin Quirantino's lips curled into the wry smile that can only be attained by those who have true reason to celebrate.

The manuscript was complete.

Notepad in hand, Baduin Quarantino returned to his home on the island of Kavaria, to insert the final chapter into The Chronicles of Earth.

Hey, I'll be your reviewer today

yrclever wrote:I have asked the question thousands of times. I have answered the question thousands of times. Always, the question remains the same, and always the answer morphs into something more. Always the answer becomes more wonderful; more terrible. I would change the phrase 'always the answer' to 'forever it becomes...' etc. Because you have already said something similar to the one you used and you should not have the word 'answer' two many times so close together as you have here. I doubt whether any of the answers represent the truth, but each one is in and of itself an exciting prospect.Don't understand this, maybe you should rephrase it? Each one represents a possibility. I have never been able to accurately gauge truth. I have never been too interested in gauging truths. How can I care about truths, when possibilities are far more intriguing; far more enticing? Maybe this is because with possibilities, you never really know what's going to happen. They always seem mysterious. They always seem dangerous...Good opening paragraph Besides those one or two things I pointed out, I could not find anything wrong with it. You did a very good job in capturing the reader's attention.

I tell a story about the real world. Or rather about a real world that might exist. I do not know the true answer to the question that has plagued my mind for longer than I can remember, but I tell a story about one of the many possible answers. And since the answer is only a possibility, I can inject it with mystery. Since my tale tells only of possibility, I know as little of its truth as you do. I, however, look more closely at the converse: you can only tell me it's a lie as much as I myself can. Not too sure about that last line, did not seem to make sense to me. Maybe you should change it into something like: You can say it's a lie... I can't prove you wrong. Or something like that because it would make it sound cooler! But that's just my opinion.

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. The question I ask is this: Is our world real, and if not, which master story teller gave birth to the idea of creating our world? My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real. Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.
Wow! I know I'm supposed to be critiquing this but those last parts were awesome!


There is a universe, not very different to our own in appearance. But appearances can be deceiving. The deception stems from the fact that unlike our own, the universe of which I speak is real. Within this mighty universe, lies a world far larger than our own. Blue rivers lie across this world’s surface, leaving small, fertile islands floating between riverbanks. The archipelago stretches across all four corners of the world. Those who inhabit the world have christened it Garuana. Translated into English, Garuana means simply the world. It is in Garuana that our world was first conceived.

The Order of Kavaria is the largest center of knowledge in all of Garuana. Inside this religious monastery a relic lies. Only the elite of the Garuanaens know of its existence, and outside of the island Kavaria, knowledge of its existence is almost unheard of. In our world, however, its existence is known by even the lowliest of people. Inside of our world, though, it is not defined as a relic. Inside of our world, it is known as the world itself.

Inside the monastery’s library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end. The book has existed for as long as anyone can remember. It is not dated, and its title page contains only the book’s title: “The Chronicles of Earth”, and the name of its writer: Quirantino. Nobody knows who Quirantino was. Instead of writing 'nobody knows who Quirantino was', wouldn't it be cool to say something like: 'the unknown author' or something along those lines? Again... just an opinion.
___

Stormy clouds decorated the mountain peak. An opaque mist covered the crosslegged man who sat concealed from the view of even the mountain-eagles. Mountan eagle is not seperated with a dash... it's two wordsBaduin Quirantino’s eyes opened. A notepad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl. The pages were weathered. It appeared that they had withstood several violent storms. Two years after he had first visited the mountain’s peak, Baduin Quirantino, heir descended from the long Quirantino dynasty, left it for the final time. That last sentence was very confusing. Change it into smaller sentences or rephrase it. Maybe to something like: 'Two years after Baduan Quaratino had first visited the moutain, he left it.' And then adding the 'an heir to the Quirantino dynasty' somewhere else because it stops the great flow you had going and confuses the reader! His lips were curled into the wry smile that can only be attained by those who have true reason to celebrate.

The final chapter of the manuscript was complete.

Notepad in hand, Baduin Quarantino returned to his home on the island of Kavaria, to insert the final chapter into The Chronicles of Earth.

Hey!
On the whole great job! The piece flowed very well, you kept me hooked to the story and wanting to read more. The only thing I would like to comment about is in some places where you did a lot of telling instead of showing. For example, where you said: The pages were weathered.
If you don't know what showing is, here is an example:

Telling:
Sam was very hot because he had just come back in from a very long and tiring game of football.
Showing: Sam's face glistened with sweat as he barged through the door with muddy sneakers on and a football tucked under one arm.
(Bad example but you sort of get the point... If you want there is a very good article about this in the 'knowledge base' part of the site.)


Great work, keep it up!
PM me when the next part is up or if you have any questions.
xxmimixx

Here is my review, as requested. My keyboard is being kind of tupid, so if I am missing letters just ignore my spelling.


Preamble: The very first part of your story was remarkably redundant and I felt like it didn't convey the deep thought-provoking discussion I think you were going for. Honestly, I felt like it just made your story drag on, which is bad, considering it was the first three paragraphs of your story. If you really want to keep this, I'd shorten it to read something like this:

I have asked the question thousands of times. I have answered the question many times. Always, the question remains the same, and always the answer morphs into something more. Always the answer becomes more wonderful; more terrible. I doubt whether any of the answers represent the truth, but each one is in and of itself an exciting prospect. I have never been able to accurately gauge truth. I have never been too interested in discerning truths. How can I care about truths, when possibilities are far more intriguing; far more enticing? Maybe this is because with possibilities, you never really know what's going to happen. They always seem mysterious. They always seem dangerous...


With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.

Focus on redundancies. Make sure you aren't constantly repeating the same words or phrases over and over. Because even though it may not be cliche, it will feel that way to your reader. Plus it is my biggest pet peeve.

The deception stems from the fact that unlike our own, the universe of which I speak is real.

This statement confuses me, as it cannot be truly proven if our world really exists or if this alter universe actually exists as well. And I do not know how this deception of reality would affect the appearance. Maybe you could elaborate or jut cut this out entirely. You make the creative decision here.

Within this mighty universe, lies a world far larger than our own. Blue rivers lie across this world’s surface, leaving small, fertile islands floating between riverbanks. The archipelago stretches across all four corners of the world. Those who inhabit the world have christened it Garuana. Translated into English, Garuana means simply the world. It is in Garuana that our world was first conceived.

Ahh, redundancies!! Let's see, you said world six times in this paragraph. May i uggest the use of a thesaurus? I love it, it is one of my most used tools when writing. Some other options include: planet, globe, or Earth.

In our world, however, its existence is known by even the lowliest of people. Inside of our world, though, it is not defined as a relic. Inside of our world, it is known as the world itself.

Again, you are getting repetitive here. Also, I was confused as to what exactly the relic is. Is it the planet Earth? And if it is the Earth, how doe it fit into this monestary? Furthermore, as inhabitants of the Earth, we know that it exists as it is where we live, but I don't think we actually think about it's existance. It is something we kind of take for granted. Do you get what I am saying? This part just was very confusing and left me with a lot of questions.

It is not dated, and its title page contains only the book’s title: “The Chronicles of Earth”, and the name of its writer: Quirantino.

Perhaps instead of saying title page you could replace it with something like the first page, or just inside the cover. Something, so that you aren't repeating title so closely together.

A notepad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl.

Since I get the feeling that this is an ancient story, I'm not sure notepad is the proper word. Perhaps, scrolls? Or papyrus? Notepad makes me think of a spiral notebook, and I just don't get the feeling that Quirantino would be the type of guy to have a college ruled five subject spiral notebook.


Characters: I'm not exactly sure who your protagonist is, since you changed perspective from first person to third person. I'd like it to be Quirantino, because he sounds like an interesting guy. If that is the case, I'd definitely would like more of a physical description of him. How old is he when he finishes the final chapter? I'd imagine old, but still spry. What does he look like? What type of clothing does he wear? I'd really like a description of his hands since he is a writer. Plus, I'm just fascinated by people's hands.

Setting: You kind of skimmed over the description of Garuana. I think you really need to expand on this, because you did such a beautiful job describing the setting where we found Quirantino finishing the final chapter. I want to know about the inhabitants, what do they look like? What kind of clothing do they wear? What is the weather like? You describe there are a lot of islands and water, but I want more. What are the island's geography like? What about the water? What color is it? At certain depths and depending on the color of the sand, this affects the color of the water. Make sure you use all five senses when you are doing descriptions.

Overall: I felt like your flow dragged on a bit in the beginning. I really got excited about reading the story when we found Quirantino on top of the mountain. I'm interested in seeing where you take this story, will we get to read the final chapter of Earth? Will that really be what the end of time will be like? It is all very exciting, and for that reason I give this extra points for entertainment value. However, it is like a diamond in the rough and just needs some polishing up to really sparkle.

Hopefully I was of ome assistance. If you have any questions or need some help feel free to PM me. I'd love to know when you post more of this up.

Well done, this is much improved! A lot of the corrections I had to made were just grammar, so that is fantastic!

Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps it is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

The largest of it's islands is known as Hyvria.

You missed an apostrophe there.

Archaeologists and historians alike have speculated that this is due to its treacherous landscape, which is almost entirely made up of mountains.

I love how you described more of the setting and how it affected the inhabitants. It makes the world seem very realistic.

About fifty miles to the East of Hyvria, lies the smaller island of Kavaria. Kavaria is viewed by many traders as the most lucrative port in the East. But Kavaria is not merely a sailor's island. Kavaria also plays host to the largest center of knowledge in all of Garuana: The Library of Kavaria.

I liked this description too, as it isn't like an info dump, but it still informs us about Kavaria.

Inside this library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end. The book has existed for as long as anyone can remember. It is not dated, and the worn cover holds only the book’s title: “The Chronicles of Earth”, and what is presumably the last name of its writer: Quirantino. Even the mysterious librarian does not know where or when the book was placed in the glass box in the library’s attic.

Again, well done! I loved this, I was so excited to read it. You are a fantastic writer!!

Baduin Quirantino’s eyes opened, their deep blue invisible beneath the fog.

I liked this description of Quirantino's eyes. The little bit about him that you infiltrated into the piece, gave us more about him but still kept him mysterious. I loved it!!

This edited version is very much improved as you can tell from my lack of criticism. You did well with trimming the introduction down, you also really did well getting rid of the redundancies, and you gave us more description on the setting and Quirantino as a character that was well written. Congrats!! I loved it!

Hi,
I really liked this piece. It flowed wonderfully, and the vocabulary level was great. I didn't notice anything wrong. Only the prologue doesn't seem to hint at anything much going to happen. Maybe if you inserted a little more action that would hint at something more, it would be better. But it was great! Keep writing!

mimimac wrote:Hey, I'll be your reviewer today

Hey!
On the whole great job! The piece flowed very well, you kept me hooked to the story and wanting to read more. The only thing I would like to comment about is in some places where you did a lot of telling instead of showing. For example, where you said: The pages were weathered.
If you don't know what showing is, here is an example:

Telling:
Sam was very hot because he had just come back in from a very long and tiring game of football.
Showing: Sam's face glistened with sweat as he barged through the door with muddy sneakers on and a football tucked under one arm.
(Bad example but you sort of get the point... If you want there is a very good article about this in the 'knowledge base' part of the site.)

xxmimixx

Very good point. Trust me, I do the same thing. Let the characters take the reader on the journey; after all, they lived it.

I've gotta say, that was amazing! Completely and one-hundred percently amazing. The first sentence had me and I just couldn't stop reading! It seems to me that this is going to be awesome as you continue to write it!

Hope to see more!

-Autumn Silence

To tell the truth, I think that the first section is a little awkward. You might try seeing what the story feels like without it. Remember, your readers are smart, and don't need to be spoonfed.

I really like the idea you've got so far. Taking our world and making it the figment of someone elses imagination is definitly unique.

Keep it up.

I have one thing to say before continuing this critique: I should have read the prologue first. Since these opening paragraphs are in first person, the first chapter no longer seems so final.

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. Have you ever asked yourself that one question? Do you know that our world is real?

The opening line here was really good. However, the first question here had me scratching my head. What is that "one question"? I'm thinking it's the second question, but I'm not sure because of the question mark separating the two. If they are related, I would use a colon instead of a question mark to separate those two sentences.

Many a time have I asked the question of myself.

I find this wording a bit strange with the pronouns the way they are. I would rewrite it as: Many a time have I asked that question to myself.

Something more wonderful; more terrible.

Comma instead of a semicolon

Maybe this is because as long as there is doubt, there is always mystery. As long as there is doubt, there is always danger...

I love these lines. They're just so chilling, so profound.

My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real.

Us or it? Ohh, the plot thickens if you really do mean "us." ^_^ (At first I believed that "us" was simply a misused pronoun, since it seemed as though you were talking about the story itself, or the planet as an inanimate object. After reading this work over again, I now believe you are commenting on how the narrator is a part of that race, and you are simply establishing it as real).

Within this mighty universe, lies a planet far larger than our own.

You could stand to lose this comma.

Clear blue rivers lie across its surface, leaving small, fertile islands floating between riverbanks.

Nice imagery! The only thing I would consider adding is a metaphor or simile just to make the imagery really stick. Although it's nice on it's own.

The archipelago stretches across all four corners of Garuana.

What does "archipelago" mean? Is it some sort of government? It seems critical for the story, so I would either explain that term or replace it with a more well-known one.

Inside this library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end.

Another comma you would be fine deleting.

Baduin Quirantino’s eyes opened, their deep blue invisible beneath the fog.

So many meanings for the word "fog"! If you want that, leave this as-is, if you want a clearer meaning, expand on this line. ^_^

A writer's pad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl.

Since you seem to be so meticulous with your lines I almost don't want to comment on this, but I find "a" to be a touch repetitive here. Methinks that the "a" is to show that the writing is very specific (or is it general? Hmm, I can't decide), but I still find it a touch repetitive. Up to you if you rewrite this line or not, however.

He rose, fountain-pen tucked between his robes,

I'm wondering how the pen is tucked between his robes. It could be me (probably is), but I consider robes rather loose when it comes to clothing. Does he tuck it in his belt? Cloak (I'm assuming he's wearing a cloak because you mentioned fog and the fact he was hidden from view above)? Does he have a belt-purse for his fountain-pen? I'm just curious as to where he actually puts the pen...

The Chronicles of Earth.

The first time you used this title, you used quotes. The second time, you didn't. Is that for a reason left unmentioned? (To take a guess, I'd say it was because the people of the island don't know much about it while Baduin Quirantino know everything) If my guess is the reason you have skipped the quotes here, fine, but if not, I would pick one for consistency. (Or even change both to italics so we know it's a book title)

~

What to say about this work? (It's so deep I have a hard time coming up with anything)

I consider your introduction to be rather unusual, good unusual, in the fact that you take so much time to establish your world as real, or perhaps it's not (from the earlier comments in the prose). You seem to go to great length to leave us wondering, and we are actually aware that this is a story, written by somebody in another universe which gets more and more real as the prologue progresses. And the fact that you refer to Earth as a separate location, just as tangible as the world your story takes place in, all of that makes us slightly more aware that this is a story.

This makes me realize is how many layers this will take, and how much thinking I, as a reader, will have to do. You seem to be going more on the drama side of suspension of disbelief, where you are rather open to the fact that this is a story. Each time Earth is mentioned, it seems to draw us a bit out of the story, forcing us to examine everything that's going on.

And since I tend to be long-winded at explaining things, I shall say this: Your story is very multi-layered and shall take some thinking to properly critique. That's good though. Something more then just an action-packed plot.

Hmm, what else? I'm not really going into the whole "character," "description" and other such elements at the moment just because there isn't much to comment on other then the style of the story itself (which I am adoring, by they way). Because of your style, and your meticulousness, I shall leave my nit-picks and comments stand on their own.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Have you ever read Clive Barker's Weave World? You should, if you haven't, simply because it is wonderful. Also, the beginning of it reminds me of yours, not in any specific way, but in a sort of general, stylistic feel (and being like Barker at all, naturally and not affectedly, is a great thing). In terms of the conception of the story as a whole there is very little I can yet comment about, simply because I haven't read enough yet. However, I am already convinced that it is going to be a great read.

I am not merely here to lavish praise, however. I like the philosophical ruminations at the opening passage (which, by the way, is reminiscent of the philosophies of David Lewis - you should definitely look into his theories of possibility), but I feel that you are posturing. I have nothing against posturing, I do it too, but slight changes of words will make you seem less patronizing and more earnestly contemplative (no offense, I don't think YOU are patronizing, of course, but, yeah).

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. Have you ever asked yourself that one question? Do you know that our world is real? Do you ever wonder which master story teller wrote our story?

The first sentence is a technical error in a couple of ways. First of all, storyteller should be one word. Secondly, it is not in agreement of number: storytellers is multiple, story, its are singular. You might be in control here and are trying to imply that all of them are writing the same story, but you risk appearing grammatically mistaken to the casual, but careful, reader. In the second sentence, I recommend removing the word "one." "Have you ever asked yourself that question?" seems more inclusive, "one" seems more like you are privileging it slightly (which you've already done by bringing it forward). It's what some would refer to as braces and belts, where you have a belt on your pants and overalls too. You want this dialogue to roll forward seamlessly and pack its punch into each little word with no distractions, and that single word is a slight ripple. I notice in the final question you both directly address the reader, and include the reader as "we." I like this, and I think you should extend it: in the second question, by asking "Do we know that our world is real?" you are not accusing the reader of a lack of knowledge but making more of a statement-as-question, rhetorical as it were, and I think it would greatly enhance the line's impact. Also, again, storyteller should be one word.

The answer to this question is one of possibility, and always, it morphs into something more.

I suggest removing the phrase "to this question" as we already know where you're headed. Keep the words focused, succinct, to let this philosophical query really hammer in its force. Morphs is too technical, too biological a term, and it caused me to recoil slightly. I suggest a simpler "it becomes something more," or something like that.

I do not tend to worry whether each answer is true, because possibilities have always intrigued me so.

This sentence is technically correct, but there is a tension in number between the first half and the second. "Each answer" is singular, "possibiilites" plural. I would sugget "which answers are true." I like possibilities kept as plural. These slight little differences in how you handle number can convey a lot of meaning for the topic you're discussing, which is literally numerical (the number of possibilities).

I tell a story about the real world. Or rather about a real world that might exist. My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real. Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.

Okay, I am going to impose a lot of opinion here, but I think you've put the impactful words at the wrong place. They often say to use your second best argument first, then following, and then finish with your strongest point. I feel you did the opposite. I think "I tell a story about the real world" is the strongest thing you have to say, and everything after bleeds out its life. Instead you should gather all of the words behind it.

I would suggest something to the effect of:

"I delve into one of the infinite possibilities, about a real world that might exist. . . . (insert passage).

With this in mind, I tell a story about a real world."

Finishing on a jarring sentiment like that will really bring home the entire rumination. I also think shifting "the" to "a" creates a powerful tension, one you are exploring, since "a" real world would, ostensibly, be "The" real world, but you are arguing for something grander than this.

I like the historical and geographical ruminations which follow. A lot of people don't like "info-dumping" as it were, but I see this as a neat transition, from talking about possible worlds to describing one, and it works beautifully. In earnest, I have little to say in terms of editorial remarks, except for a single paragraph.

About fifty miles to the East of Hyvria, lies the smaller island of Kavaria. Kavaria is viewed by many traders as the most lucrative port in the East. But Kavaria is not merely a sailor's island. Kavaria also plays host to the largest center of knowledge in all of Garuana: The Library of Kavaria.

If you notice, you refer to Kavaria in each sentence. Break it up somehow; it will make the prose feel less cluttered.

Also, massive works should be in italics according to our grammar. No reason not to keep that rule, even with a massive imaginary rule like The Chronicles of the Earth.

I enjoyed this, and will certainly be reading more in the future.

Hey. Looks like you have a ton of reviews already, so sorry if I repeat anything. I don't want to read every single critique.

This is an extremely well written prologue. Right off the bat, it grabs my attention and holds it throughout the entire piece, which is something not easily accomplished. So, well done! I like the idea of The Chronicles of Earth, although, I would consider changing the title to The Chronicles of Garuana, for obvious reasons. I think that it seems to fit well with the piece.

You brought up an interesting... uh... thing. You said that there was another universe. See, I always thought that there was always one universe, and within that universe was billions of different galaxies. I just thought that it was interesting that you stated there were more than one universe.

Remember when you create your own world, be sure to have clear differences between our earth and the earth in this story. You mentioned "clear, blue rivers." That's oddly similar to Earth. Why? Couldn't you use your imagination to come up with something just a bit more creative than something that already exists.

Just my two cents. Sorry this review is so short. It's just that you have a million really good reviews. But I will be continuing this story at least one more chapter. So.

-Jared

Hi, Master_Yoda, I've actually been meaning to review this work for a long, long time but never got around to doing it until now. ^^

I haven't read the other reviews, so if I'm bringing up a point that's already been trod on, feel free to ignore me.

Only the best story tellers can give their story a life of its own. Have you ever asked yourself that one question? Do you know that our world is real? Do you ever wonder which master story teller wrote our story?

This is more an issue of personal taste than anything, but I'm not terribly fond of rhetorical questions in fiction (especailly as the first lines of a story). It comes across as being so very...pretentious and arty. But this is more my neuroses speaking than anything.

I also don't see how the "do you know that our world is real" question connects to the other questions being asked. Its inclusion feels rather random (sort of like, "apple, pineapple...Ferrari!...orange". Bad example, but you get the point).

Many a time have I asked the question of myself. The answer to this question is one of possibility, and always, it morphs into something more. Something more wonderful; more terrible. I do not tend to worry whether each answer is true, because possibilities have always intrigued me so. Maybe this is because as long as there is doubt, there is always mystery. As long as there is doubt, there is always danger...

All right...the sad thing is that I was completely lost by this part. It took me several read-throughs to fully absorb what you were trying to say here. A lot of it stems from the subject matter being discussed here being so abstract. It comes across as rather meandering too, like you're jumping from point to point with only a tenuous connection between each point.

There are so many ideas in this paragraph, as well, which helps make it harder to digest. It goes a little like this: question --> something wonderful/terrible --> answers being true/possibilties --> doubt -->danger. The ideas don't seem terribly connected. Either narrow down the subject matter of the single paragraph or strengthen the connections between the ideas.

I tell a story about the real world. Or rather about a real world that might exist. My comfort while telling this story is that you cannot prove us to be real. Perhaps our world is real, but perhaps is merely a concept created by a being with far greater imagination than our own.

The constant repetition of "real" here becomes almost comical (I've forgotten what "real" means...).

Again, to me, this feels like a lot of abstract musing that goes nowhere.

With this in mind, I delve into one of the infinite possibilities.

Now, I like this. You're suddenly zooming from very abstract into something tangible--a single possibility--and concrete and specific.

While reading through this abstract introduction part, I was considering suggesting that you cut it completely since it isn't terribly compelling and confusing to boot. Most readers, when opening the first pages of a fantasy book, are looking for action right off the bat instead of philosophical musing. I did actually get rather bored at some portions of the musing.

But because of the final line, I now think that the musing is necessary. In fact, the entire musing portion strikes me as very clever--you start off very abstract, but slowly narrow in to a more specific point until that point becomes the story you want to introduce (is this making sense? Sorry...). Keep the musing, but revise it heavily. As it is now, it's disjointed and a lot of it (especially the bit about the creator being, or whatnot) feels like random tangents that distract from the main point.

I'm sure you've seen those movies/videos or whatnot that start with an image of the entire Galaxy, before shrinking in bit by bit--an arm of the galaxy, then a cluster of stars, then to the solar system, down and down and down until the camera tightens onto a single city on Earth. When I read the last sentence, that image immediately popped in mind. And that's what I'd suggest you use here: a progressive tightening of perspective. If done very well, it will take the reader's breath away.

Start off with the most basic, most abstract of concepts. Then, with every paragraph, specify, tighten, and narrow until there is only that last sentence, the single point that becomes the springboard for the actual story. The best way to start would be to trim away any unnecessary tangents.

There is a universe, not very different to our own in appearance. But appearances can be deceiving. The deception stems from the fact that unlike our own, the universe of which I speak is real.

"Our own"? Does that mean the universe where we're living on right now, and writing and posting on YWS? Interesting...now I want to see our universe factor somewhat into this story, at least to discover why it's fake.

This section seems to be setting up an infodump, yet strangely I don't mind. Perhaps it's just the style of the piece, but an infodump actually feels appropriate here. It reminds me (why do I keep thinking this...) of a documentary, in which the narrator is discussing, say, the entire Galaxy--but then decides to zoom in a single planet and start describing the planet in detail. It works, because it connects to the portion above.

Within this mighty universe, lies a planet far larger than our own.

The comma is unnecessary.

Translated into English, Garuana means simply the world.

I don't like the whole "translated into English" bit; it pulls me out of this compelling world you've created and again, gets me thinking that our planet will become involved in a big way. If it is, then keep it; if it isn't, excise it. You could easily just say, "Garuana means simply the world".

Besides, the story is already written in English, so there's no point in pounding it into the readers' head.

It is in Garuana that our universe was first conceived.

Interesting idea; again, I'm expecting our own universe to be explored in greater detail.

Most of Hyvria's inhabitants live alone

"Live alone"? Are you familiar with Isaac Asimov's "The Naked Sun"? I'm thinking of the situation there, where only about twenty thousand people live on an entire planet, so most of them live in estates all by themselves.

It would be an interesting topic to explore, but the wording of "live alone" is ambiguous enough that I'm not quite sure if that really is what you mean.

Archaeologists and historians alike have speculated that this is due to its treacherous landscape, which is almost entirely made up of mountains.

You don't need much of the second clause; in fact, the sentence would be snappier and more decisive without it. "...this is due to its treacherous landscape of mostly mountains" is a much quicker read and says the same thing.

Inside this library, lies a book so huge that it has never been read from beginning to end.

The first comma is unnecessary.

The idea of the unfinished book is an interesting one, though. Is it really that massive (I'm picturing a book the size of a room...) or is it because there's some magic or the like connected to it?

An opaque mist covered the crosslegged man who sat concealed from the view of even the mountain eagle circling overhead.

This sentence is a mouthful. I get the feeling that there are a lot of extraneous words crowding it up, such as the "even the", "opaque mist" (is not fog simply opaque mist?), and "from the view".

The pages were a weathered yellow. It appeared that they had withstood several violent storms.

These sentences seem like they should be connected somehow; on their own, they're disjointed.

Starlight Peak would never see another member of the ancient Quirantino dynasty.

Ooh, I like this. Dramatic way of phrasing it. And for personal reasons, I think the name "Starlight Peak" is the coolest ever.

Baduin Quirantino's lips curled into the wry smile that can only be attained by those who have true reason to celebrate.

"Can only be attained by"...*twitch* You've got too many unnecessary words (lard!) clogging up what could be a powerful and impactful sentence.

Notepad in hand, Baduin Quarantino returned to his home on the island of Kavaria, to insert the final chapter into The Chronicles of Earth.

The second comma is unnecessary.

On a somewhat more negative/personal/subjective note, the character's name is making me think of Quentin Tarantino. Don't know if that was intentional or not...but it gets me into incongruous giggles every time I read it. Perhaps consider changing it.

Overall comments:

The first thing I'd like to address is that I'm confused about the POV of the first two portions (the musing and the worldbuilding). At first, I thought they might be what Quarantino (snerk...sorry) wrote in his book, but the second portion got me uncertain because it talked about the Chronicles of Earth as if it didn't know much about them. Then who is narrating the second part? An ominiscient narrator? It seems odd to suddenly switch to an omniscient narrator after the first person narrator of the first portion (who I assume is Tarantino...I mean, Quarantino...writing in his book). You might want to clarify things a bit. I would suggest making Quarantino narrators of the first two portions to better connect him to the rest of the prologue, but it's your call.

Overall, I liked this. It had a very mysterious air and though there wasn't much action so far, the world you have created seems like one in which many interesting stories can be told. In particular, I appreciate how epic this story is fixing to be. It's very rare to read a truly epic fantasy story, and one that doesn't follow the stereotypical swords-and-sorcery conventions as well. The story seems one that will involve many different universes and events far greater than just who gets to sit on the throne or whatnot (which, sadly enough, is what most fantasy plots boil down to if you examine them close enough). You hinted at the epic-ness in a very subtle fashion, drawing the reader in without giving too much away. And you've definitely put a lot of thought into your world; it shows in the confidence of the details you utilize. Nothing feels wasted or pointless (with the exception of portions of the abstract musing).

I'm not going to go in depth into what bothered me about the abstract musing portion, because I covered that more specifically already. What I am going to say, though, is that your constant mentions of "our" universe have got me thinking that Earth will be involved in the story. If it isn't, then you had best excise them because they're creating false expectations. If it is, though, well-done foreshadowing.

Your prose is clear and concrete and does the job you've set out to do--tell a story--well. Sometimes you got a little too enthusiastic with commas, though, and there were points where the lard was laid on too thick. I'm not asking for Hemingway-style minimalism (shudder...), but try to use only the words that are necessary.

All in all, a good start. I'm especially pleased that you didn't succumb into the prologue = first chapter plague that afflicts so many novels. It's abundantly clear that this is a prologue, a short piece that connects to your overall story but is not the story, not quite yet.

I'll stick around for more. The best of luck in your endeavors!

Hi Villain here and I’ll be reviewing you

Well first off I must say even though I loved the introduction (it made me think) I didn’t quite understand it.

Many a time have I asked the question of myself. The answer to this question is one of possibility, and always, it morphs into something more. Something more wonderful; more terrible. I do not tend to worry whether each answer is true, because possibilities have always intrigued me so. Maybe this is because as long as there is doubt, there is always mystery. As long as there is doubt, there is always danger...

Maybe you should state who you have had this discussion with or state different people’s opinion on the subject, otherwise loved it.

I also agree with Moriah world is repeated a little too often for me maybe try Universe or something along the lines of that.


Also, I would love it if you described the library more personally because I think of the library of this beautiful mysteries place where endless knowledge lies.

The manuscript was complete.

What kind of manuscript is it? For example is it a dangerous manuscript that holds great secrets of the Garuana world,or is it a manuscript filled with mysteries.

Stormy clouds decorated the mountain peak. An opaque mist covered the crosslegged man who sat concealed from the view of even the mountain eagle circling overhead. Baduin Quirantino’s eyes opened, their deep blue invisible beneath the fog. A writer's pad in front of him revealed a tidy cursive scrawl. The pages were a weathered yellow. It appeared that they had withstood several violent storms. He rose, fountain-pen tucked between his robes, and descended the mountain for the final time. Starlight Peak would never see another member of the ancient Quirantino dynasty

I love this part especiallyly about the deep blue eyes.


But as much as I love it i think you should decribe Quirantino more like his robes for example is he wearing just plain old robes or are they sparkling with golden threads you know stuff like that.


Other than that loved reading it can't wait to start on Chapter One

Stay Marvelous and Keep Writing

Okay, so my first impression with the title was 'Okay, this story is might be about a boy who dreams about giants?' and then, after reading your prolouge I felt like laughing at myself XD

Quite an amazing read, Yoda! That first sentence got me hooked but I do have one input about it, the first part of the prolouge was much more interesting in the first draft then the second, in my opinion of course. But, please take that into consideration.

I prefer if grammar and punctuation mistakes are found by the author and not the reader because it is a much better learnign experience, so I'm not going to point those out. *didn't find any >>*

This to me, seemed like a book I'd happily buy at a book store and sit in my bed and not put down until I was completely finished! Trully excelent.

--
Summer

Hi
This was really good!
I couldn't find much wrong with it except you don't really put enough character detail or depth.
Also it doesn't have much actually happening.

Many a time have I asked the question of myself.

This sentence sounds weird to me. Maybe you could change it to something a little different.

Other than that it was great! It flowed smoothly and intrigued the reader. Great job!:)

~Tayla