Anomaly chapter 2

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I am back :) I have spellchecked to the best of my and my computers ability. I am always open to story line advise and I love it when you point out things you like so thanks for that :), and if you dont like it then well... dont read it :D
Alway thankfull for advise. ps. it is quite short.

Em
xoxo
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Chapter 2
Dead End


I hurrayed down the road as fast as I could with out arousing suspicion. But they managed to keep up at quite an impressive passe. Every turn I made around the twisty bending streets they were there behind me. I did not recognize where I was by this time , I was in some dark narrow ally way , on top of the tall dripping wet walls was barbed wire that curled around and intertwined with dead ivy.
The perfect setting for a lame horror flick, the type were the damsel-in-distress- like heroin is being stalked by some blood thirsty creacher of the night but then tragedy strikes and the heal on her 6 inch stilettos brakes. Oh what ever will she do? Que the unlikely hero, so on and so forth, the they live happily ever after the end.
Lame.
But on the verge of coming true. Only this heroin can kick butt if she has to, pules I almost always wear high tops, you know just in case I am ever on this kind of situation, and there stylish.
My breath become ragged as I picked up my passe , I came to the end of the first ally but it opened up in to winding mazes of tall walls and fences. My eyes searched frantically for a way to lose them. Next turn nothing. Next turn nothing. An other, nothing but massive puddles. Next turn ...
Dead end. Crap.
They were just a few stride away now. No getting out of this one.
I turned slowly.
"Stay were you are." I said , my voice was shaking. But they did as I command despite my overuse panic.
"W-who are you? No I don't care about that." I mumbled partly to myself "Why are you following me?"
I could see them more clearly now under the orange glow of the street lamps ,there flawless feachers thrown into shadows. The animal like one , was a lot shorter then the other ,with bright fiery hair that was insanely curly and tied loosely into a side pony tail that draped artfully over one shoulder, she had topaz colored eyes and they looked like they were burning but not in the same way as the boys' on the bus did, who I notest for the first time was not with them. The other , the tallest one had short black hair cut into a bob style, she had a long and slender frame and a relaxed carming face.
"Esme?" The tall one spoke.
My heart stopped "H-how do you know my name?"
They looked at each other and smiled and the smallest one stepped forward, but I put out my hand palm facing them to indicate that I did not want her to come any closer.
"Let me get to the point," She spoke in a danette little voice which had a hint of French accent. "My name is Daisy," No surprise there, she looked like you could picker her up with grate ease and if a slight gale hit her she would go fighting."And this is Bernina. Let me be blunt, we know what you are."
"W-w" Was all I could sputter out. To say I was confuse would be the understatement of the century.
The one that appeared to be Bernina rolled her eyes and stepped forward ,gently surfing Daisy behind her who made a disgusted little noise.
"What my esoseat meant to say was, we have come to understand what you are and we would like to invite you to speak to some one who could hep you."
Suddenly I felt like my world was coming down around me , no one had really payed the slightest bit of attention to me and I liked it like that, but suddenly these cruses woman appear out of no where and seem to know every thing about me. Who are this women and how do know who -or what- I am?
I didn't even know!
"How do I know you don't want to kill me?" I blurted out a little to fast. And I regretted it as soon as the words came out of my mouth, because memoirs that I had tried so very hard to repress flooded back to me.
Once a very long time ago a man approached me just like these two had. I was living on the streets at the time my parents were dead so I was no my own , just after my 'coming of age' (something my parents used to talk about , though at the time I had no idea what it meant), I had no shelter and was starving hungry.
The wind wiped around my fragile little body, making my hair and tattered shall flutter up into the cold air. I rapped my arms around my legs and hugged them tightly, trying to stop the shaking and shivering.

"Hello little one." A strange voice emerged from the dark, making me jump.
"Are you lost?" He spoke in a kind and gentle voice.
I looked up to see his face, but it was covered in the shadow cast form the brim of his hat,only his long beak like nose protruded from the shadow.
"No sir." My voice was weak, like the rest of me.
He grinned at me and I saw a flash of yellow teeth, hiding behind a peer of thin lips. "Are you hungry?" He knelt down to my height, I could see his face more clearly but his eyes were still hidden in the shadows.
"Yes, very much sir." My mother always told me to be polite and certus to my elders, so when ever I spoke to an older man , the sentence was followed by a 'sir' or if its a woman then 'ma,am'. I was a very polite child, although I drew the line at curtsying, I did not see the point, you only curtsy for your elders and it was very likely that I was already older then them

He waved his hand in front of my face, wiggling his fingers, then as if out of thin air, a small hunk of bread appeared in his palm.
"Take it." I did as he said and wolfed the peace of bread down.
It was just a cheep parlor trick, but an effective one, I was completely under his spell and at that point I would have trusted him to the ends of the earth.

Mistake. The man , Noah , had a kind face , not a pretty one no were near pretty but kind. Although there was something about his eyes I did not trust , I can read eyes , it like my special gift, I can't read minds -through some times I wish I could- just eyes.Its a hard subject to try and explain, I did try once with Nicole but she did not really understand, but that may be due to the fact that I don't really understand it much, how I can do it or why, I just kind of roll with it.
Surprisingly you can tell a lot from some ones eyes I could tell whether some one had experience a grate sadness like death or a grate happiness like a new child, but I could not tell what some one was directly thinking which is why my gift can sometimes be deceiving. Like Noah , he looked kind enough but I should have trusted my instinct, because later on that night I discovered what it was I could see in his eyes, it was hatred. He called him self an 'Anolomy hunter'. He would search for people like me and kill us, apparently we were freaks and dangerous and we could pollute the pre human gene pool, I did not have the heart to tell him - though thinking back I probably should have- that the human gene pool is not pure , there is more corruption in humans then there is in the government.
That was I day I discovered I was different , I should be thankful to him really , because of him I know I am a freak. An out cast. An Anomaly.
Yeah thanks Noha. Thanks a bunch.
"Esme , we don't want to kill you we want to help you." I was still hesitant and they were getting more and more frustrated. But can you blame me?
"Look if you want to find out more," I was expecting her to say 'log on to our website' because in her black pencil skirt and black swede jacket she looked very professional. "Stay behind in your lecture tomorrow."
I did not know how she knew I had a lecture the next morning but at that point my mind was so jumbled up I did not even think to question her.
"What if I don't want to know more?"
"Then leave as soon as the bell go's and you will never see us again, I promise."
"Fine." I had to agree , they did not look like they were going to hurt me but I knew from experience that you can't all ways trust peoples appearance.
"OK lets go Daisy, Eric is waiting for us." Eric, that must be the name of the boy on the bus the one with the smoldering eyes. Bernina turned around but Daisy stayed behind for a little while and looked at me with a sheepish smile on her face.
"It was a pleasure meeting you at last Esme."
"Um like wise." She giggled and turned on her heels running gracefully after her friend.
Once they disappeared into the dark I manged to gather my thoughts and pick up the pieces of my world that lay scatted around me.
I had never bean attacked on the street , -one or two people have tried but to no avail- but I imagine that the shere shock I was feeling was the same, it all happened so fast.
I raced back to the home with my head down , I did not take the bus , I made a vow that day that I would never ride on the two twenty four or any other bus for that matter ever again. The walk would have taken me at least 20 minutes, pulse the time it would have taken me to find my way out of the never ending labyrinth of alleys but the journey flew by and before I knew it I was standing out side my window.
I felt void of every thing , the confusion fase had complete by passed me and I could only think of one thing and I know it should be the girls proposal and incomarson to the rest of my evening this seamed quite petty , but no matter how hard I tried I could not get the image of the guy's amazingly blue eyes out of my head. Eyes that burnt a hole straight though my soul.
"You all right , Ezzy?" It was not out of the ordinary for Nicole to wait up for me or call me by that irrataing pet name. "Huh?" I shook my head , trying to knock the events of that night of my mind."Um, yeah I am fine." I knew she did not believe me but I was not about to make up some lie about why I was not exactly on the same planet and I was certainly not going to tell her the truth.
The last time I did that she found out her best friend was a freak of nature and for days she thought I was an Alien (which is still a possibility)
"So have a nice time?" Her voice was full of sarcasm but I was thankful that she was not going to persist.
"Yeah it was .. fine. Just like all ways." I was all so very thankful that she could not see my face in the dark room , any one , even some one as perceptively challenged as Seth (yeah some care worker he is) would be able to tell something was wrong just by looking at my face.
"OK. Night , night Ezzy."
"Night Nic."
I climbed into bed , and curled up into a ball under my cold sheets and tried to plan what was going to happen, even if I need it I could not sleep my head was buzzing like I had drunk 10 captions but less aware and perceptive more void and dazed.
I'll just go in there , sit through my lecture and then leave as soon as the bell sounds if not before.
If only it was that simple.
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - the king from alice in wonderland.
We'er all mad here.




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Hey, Ems!

Your ending is fab! You leave me hanging for more! I can't wait for chapter 3 now!

Critisism:
- There are still some spelling mistakes and words that divided that should be one word and so on, but it is a great improvement! It's easier to read and flows better.

Good stuff:
- You have an amazing way of writing her thoughts. She just comes across as an awesome girl. And you know I love the name Esme! I feel that I could totally be friends with her.
- I am curious about the whole anomoly thingy, but we find it out as she finds it out, right? I'm guessing you won't spill the beans at just two chapters:P Which is clever;)
- Also, your writing makes me laugh. In a good way. As I'm reading there are these lines and turns in her thoughs that are so awesome!
- "Yeah thanks Noha. Thanks a bunch. " the sarcasm here is lovely!
- "The perfect setting for a lame horror flick, the type were the damsel-in-distress- like heroin is being stalked by some blood thirsty creacher of the night but then tragedy strikes and the heal on her 6 inch stilettos brakes. Oh what ever will she do? Que the unlikely hero, so on and so forth, the they live happily ever after the end. "
Haha, well described hun!

Well, a very good chapter all in all. Work on your spelling, you see, it's getting way better already, and email me whenever chapter 3 is up! :D I love this!<3

See ya round Ems

Love, Liz
xoxo
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




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Hi EmmaJ! I've read the prologue to Anomaly and skimmed over the first chapter. Anyways, here's my review:

I [s]hurrayed[/s] hurried down the road as fast as I could [s]with out[/s] without arousing suspicion. [s]But[/s] they managed to keep up at [s]quite[/s] an impressive [s]passe[/s] pace. Every turn I made around the twisty, bending streets, they were there behind me.


I think the phrases 'as fast as I could' and 'without arousing suspicion' are a little boring and overused. They make the prose drag. I'd think of a more creative way to say this.

To be grammatically correct, you should never start a sentence with the word 'but'. I'd rewrite the 'at quite an impressive pace' part. You definitely should remove 'quite' from here. That word makes you sound unsure of yourself. ACT CONFIDENT!

'Around the twisty, bending streets' will flow better if you take advantage of the chance to use parallel structure and say 'twisting, bending streets' instead.

I did not recognize where I was. [s]by[/s] By this time , I was in some dark, narrow [s]ally way[/s] alleyway. On top of the tall , dripping, wet walls was barbed wire that curled around and intertwined with dead ivy.


This is a run-on! There's too many ideas in the same sentence. Break it up a little so the reader can digest it a little better. Also, I'd watch how many adjectives you attach to one noun. Less is more. Find better adjectives, not more of them!

The perfect setting for a lame horror flick, the type [s]were[/s] where the damsel-in-distress[s]- like heroin[/s] is being stalked by some blood thirsty [s]creacher[/s] creature of the night but then tragedy strikes and the [s]heal[/s] heel on her 6 inch stilettos [s]brakes[/s] breaks. Oh, whatever will she do? Que the unlikely hero, so on and so forth, [s]the[/s] and then they live happily ever after the end.

Lame.


The first sentence is again a run-on. Shorten it somewhere And I'd remove the part about calling her a heroine. By the way, it's heroine. Heroin is a drug. Let us hope that this damsel-in-distress is not on drugs, for that is bad.

Also, you used lame in the first sentence, and then again at the end of this. I consider 'lame' to be a slang word, and I think there are better words out there to describe this.



[s]But[/s] Yet, this tale was on the verge of coming true. Only
, this [s]heroin[/s] heroine[/red] can kick butt if she has to, [s]pules[/s] [color=red]plus I almost always wear high tops, you know - just in case I am ever on this kind of situation, and [s]there[/s] they’re / they are stylish.


‘But on the verge of coming true’ is a fragment, and again starts with the word ‘but’. Also, switching from 3rd person [this heroine] to 1st person [I] is awkward. People rarely talk like this, and even if Esme does say things like that, it makes me to think that she is a smug little brat.

My breath [s]become[/s] became ragged as I picked up my [s]passe[/s] pace , I came to the end of the first [s]ally[/s] alley, but it opened up into winding mazes of tall walls and fences.


Watch the verb tense.

Next turn - nothing. Next turn - nothing. [s]An other,[/s] Another – nothing but massive puddles. Next turn ...
Dead end. Crap.


Honestly, if this was me, I’d be saying a lot more than just ‘crap’ if someone was chasing me and I was in a dead end. Now, I understand that your character may not be the swearing type, but I think that she should be expressing a little more emotion here than just ‘crap’.

They were just a few [s]stride[/s] strides away now. No getting out of this one.
I turned slowly.
"Stay [s]were[/s] where you are." I said[s],[/s] . My [s]my[/s] voice was shaking. [s]But t[/s]They did as I commanded, despite my [s]overuse[/s] panic.


I’m not really sure why you have the word ‘overuse’ in there.

I can continue plugging away at this, but honestly right now it’s overwrought with errors and needs to be spell-checked before anyone can give a serious critique. There is a spell checker in the upper right corner when you are making a post, and it’s very useful. Or, you can insert this into Microsoft Word – that will catch some of the grammar errors as well, but not all of them.

You could also use Mozilla Firefox as a Web Browser. That has a Spell-Check built right into it that has saved me many a time.

In the mean time, I highly suggest researching comma rules. There are quite a few mistakes with comma placement in this story. It’s an interesting concept, but I just don’t think it’s exciting enough. The prose is stilted by clichés. Try to present descriptions in an interesting light, without info-dumping. I also recommend reading through some articles by our members on writing. I know Snoink has some great articles in the Writing Tips section, and there are many other writers on YWS who have spent their time crafting help guides to lead new writers in the right direction.

I'm sorry if I come across as rude or blunt - I mean this in the most friendly way possible. Right now I am sitting at home with a high fever and a pounding headache, so that may make me a little more edgy than normal. Just remember that by posting on here, there are millions of people across the world who could see this, so try to put your best foot forward and clean up mistakes before posting. ^.^



cron
You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King