The Pillar

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Once again, I may or may not keep the title. This is pretty much all I have right now except for some notes on plot and names and such, but hopefully I can commit myself to actually finishing this one. :roll:

The italicization is gone, but I'm sure you can figure out when the character is thinking.

Reviews welcome, obviously. Enjoy! *commanding* :x

~I did a bit of editing, but I'll probably wind up doing more.
_____________________________
Thad Sehow slid his long fingers along the lines of text circling the cool, dark stone pillar. At least, he assumed it was a text of some sort; nobody had been able to translate a single glyph, and many had tried. Including Thad. After several months studying nothing but this pillar, Thad had discovered only three things unusual about it: there were sixty-seven different symbols used, all of the symbols consisted of entirely straight lines and sharp angles, and somehow the stone had evaded erosion. For as long as anyone could remember, this pillar had stood erect, unmoving, unchanging, and enigmatic.
The circular clearing around the pillar was only slightly overgrown, the result of a few months of abandonment. He shook his head solemnly. He was an old historian, a specialist in studying the past, and so much of the present around him was changing. Never before had an outsider led the City, but now it seemed inevitable; Hiron Aadeaki had been a name on everyone's lips ever since he came to the City. He had high goals and a radical opinion of how those goals could be achieved. Thad knew too well that those two things do not make a good combination in a man, much less a leader.
Aadeaki had for some reason called for making the clearing with the pillar off limits to the public, but Thad had no illusions about why he had visited the pillar, and it was not because of that, nor was it only because of his fascination with it. Losing his Gina had taken the already minimal interest he had in everyday life away, his only reason for caring about anything beyond the histories. What had been a passion for him before became an obsession, his only refuge from his Gina. Whenever he allowed himself to become idle, memories triggered by small things he had never before thought significant assaulted him, cultivating his grief and watering it with his unshed tears. She ghosted through his dreams, as radiantly beautiful as she had been in flesh, never acknowledging or perhaps never aware of his presence, luring him ever onward to some unseen end.
He traced one of the symbols, the most frequently used throughout, with one finger. Nowhere in the world had anyone found its like. There are no unrelated languages, he thought almost by rote. He traced another, two rows down and somewhat to the left. Nothing is untranslatable. Some link would be found, and something would be deciphered. Time seemed to lose meaning as Thad kneeled before the pillar, tracing symbols and wondering where he might find a link; minutes ticked by like seconds, hours dragged like millennia.
Somehow, his methodically slow ponderings and tracings became urgent and a sense of foreboding crept over him. The sun was nearly hidden by the surrounding trees, cleared for several meters around the pillar. Darkness leaped from the forest, tendrils of it closing in from all directions. The moon, abandoning its usual role of nocturnal illumination, left him among the shrinking gray and growing black. The pillar in front of him suddenly did not seem an innocent puzzle, but a great dark beast ready to pounce on the small prey conveniently lying right in front of it. His heart racing, Thad traced faster, as though in that minute act he might outrun the hunting blackness.
A flash of white light, tinged with red, or so it seemed to Thad, ruthlessly crushed the dark from the clearing just when it appeared about to engulf him completely. He traced a final symbol with fingers moving almost of their own accord. Final, only partially because it was the last, but mostly because it felt final. The last note in a sweeping arpeggio. The last page in a good book. The last breaths before death.
And the preparatory sacrifice necessary for rebirth.

~

Hiron Aadeaki, as he had dubbed himself, smiled warmly at the fools surrounding him. If all went well, this speech would finally give him the authority he needed. Unfortunate that these primitives didn’t have any effective method of creating light, but he could avoid the night with ease. For now. “Thank you for listening.”
Stepping down from the stand, he walked confidently through the opening that formed before him in the crowd, waving to the people he passed. Applause slowly grew around the surprise of his sudden departure, but it soon became tumultuous, drowning individual words and muting the incessant buzz in his head that reminded him of the change about to happen. Something would have to be done about that particular change.
He began to feel an itch of sorts behind his eyes, trying desperately to drag his attention to the southwest. He clenched his fists, silently cursing the idiots surrounding him. How much easier would his life be if they simply did not exist, if he did not need them?
With no time for subtlety, he ran into the larger crowd to his right, and to the few who saw, seemed to vanish.
Hiron reappeared in the air directly above the thorn he had been trying to remove, barely able to stay out of the growing shadows cast by the trees surrounding it. He arrived, and almost too late, but something could still be done.
Looking down, he saw a dim shape, a man most likely, huddled at the base of the thorn. He glanced at the horizon. The sun was almost completely down, barely more than a sliver visible above the trees. He was not in his domain enough to be able to destroy the threat completely. Still, he thought he had the ability to stave off the transformation until morning. Once that came, his old acquaintance would be hidden deep in the recesses of the man's mind.
He held the right hand that was barely his by then and used it to cup a flash of light directed into the clearing, then dimmed it as far as he dared.
There was nothing more to do. He could only hope that the small light would succeed in outlasting the night, and that it would be enough.
Leaving the same way he came put considerable strain on him, and he stumbled into the secret chamber in which he kept his other self locked away. A small window facing east ensured that he would reclaim his control of this body every morning, but there was no way to escape once his hold on this body faded each night. He had felt the desperateness of his other self slowly ebbing away its sanity, along with its will to live. Soon, Hiron Aadeaki would have complete control, of his new body and of his new world.
Night came, and the world was free from the grip of Hiron and his old acquaintances for the last time.
Last edited by oneeyedunicornhunter on Sun Mar 08, 2009 4:38 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Am I a one eyed hunter of unicorns or a hunter of one eyed unicorns? The world may never know.




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The hunter becomes the hunted. :P

Description: I like the "rushed" sense that the description has, but at the same time I think you could spend a bit more time on how forbidding everything suddenly seems. "Suddenly" is the key word here. You go from a slow, meandering description about the language, to a sudden rush at having to trace the symbols because of forbidding dark. Slow down some of the description on darkness so we have to to comprehend what's happening, okay? ;)

Scene break: Add one. I was so very confused when the name/viewpoint changed so suddenly. ^_^ Put a double-space or some sort of marker to show the viewpoint change. It would make things way less jarring.

The second half: This feels sudden as well. Everything happens bang, bang, bang, and we don't have a lot of time to comprehend what's happening. ;) Really slow down to make things less shocking and jarring.

It also confused me about the two "bodies" that light-giver has. Which one has the most power? Which one does he prefer? What does the pillar even have to do with things? Answer some of those questions to make things clearer. ^_^ (Or were you planning on doing that later on? :P)

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hey One!
---


Thad had no illusions about why he had visited the pillar. Losing his Gina had taken the already minimal interest he had in everyday life away, his only reason for caring about anything beyond the histories. What had been a passion for him before became an obsession, his only refuge from his Gina.

I think more of a transition is needed into thoughts of Gina than what I've bolded. I feel like you switch from the glyphs to Gina too fast, and I felt quite startled as a reader.

Whenever he allowed himself to become idle, memories triggered by small things he had never before thought significant assaulted him, cultivating his grief and watering it with his unshed tears, and she ghosted through his dreams, as radiantly beautiful as she had been in flesh, never acknowledging or perhaps never aware of his presence, luring him ever onward to some unseen end.

Whoa! There is nice imagery in this sentence, but it is much too long. Split it up into at least two sentences.

The pillar in front of him suddenly did not seem an innocent puzzle, but a great dark beast ready to pounce on the small prey conveniently lying right in front of it.

Nice metaphor.

His heart racing, Thad traced faster, as though in that minute act he might outrun the hunting blackness.

The use of hunting doesn't quite work here... either use "the blackness hunting him" or change it to something like "pursuing blackness".

Hiron Aadeaki, as he had dubbed himself, smiled warmly at the fools surrounding him. If all went well, this speech would finally give him the authority he needed. Unfortunate that these primitives didn’t have any effective method of creating light, but he could avoid the night with ease. For now. “Thank you for listening.”

He's departing already? Describe the crowd before him. Give us an idea of what he is departing from before he departs.

Beginning
I found it too sudden. No description of anything else really, just a sudden drop into the glyphs and the technicalities. Have some fun, yourself, and let the reader discover some things through nice imagery and introduction. I'm not saying you need to write out a long intro, but something to help elaborate the setting and the glyphs that isn't a technical description of the glyphs. :)

Setting
Be careful with it. You're focusing so much on the characters you've created that you're losing a sense of the environment that they're in. For instance, where is this pillar? In the wide open, or is it hidden between landmarks? And I don't know where this crowd is located, how vast it is, why it has assembled -- your characters are clear, but then everything around them is fuzzy. Remember: the reader doesn't know what you know.

PM me if you have any questions! I hope I was helpful!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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This story has very good characters and a lot of potential to be great...just do some rewrites and put more detail in the surroundings and it will turn out fine.
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut its self.




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The second half just confused the heck out of me. @_@ It took a second rereading before I realized the last sentence meant that it was the last time Hiron would lose control of the body and not that it was the last time Hiron would have control of it. Rephrasing that sentence in particular would really help make the second half less confusing. Also, a lot of the sentences, especially near the end, felt a bit wordy, and it felt to me like you were trying to say too much in each sentence. Breaking things up into separate sentences and rephrasing some things should help make things clearer.

That said, overall, I really enjoyed reading this. The characters of Thad and Hiron intrigue me, and I like how you link the second half to the first. I also like how you showed us that Hiron is inextricably linked to light rather than telling us. It makes it that much more interesting to read about him.

I look forward to chapter two. :3



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