It was above Holly, calling to her. It offered a way out- it offered freedom. A refuge from the twisted body her spirit was confined to. If she were to shun it, she knew the pain would return- perhaps it would kill her. Holly had an overwhelming urge to leave, to float up and out and be released. She wanted it, more than she had ever wanted anything in her life before. There was something pushing her towards it, ushering her towards peace and calm.
No…
End of part 8
*
I used to be powerful. The all-important Esmerald. I can still recall a time when people would grovel at my feet, presenting me with gifts of precious jewels and masterpieces in art and sculptures. I never cared much for what I was given. I became accustomed to being adored- it grew almost boring. People were different in those days, stronger, skilled- not like the humans who live now. Some knew how to accomplish impossible things, they had unusual talents- I was one of them. I was treated honourably due to my abilities. I could sense things, know where they were hidden and tell if whether what people spoke was the truth. It came easily to me, I was special. It didn’t stop me from dying though.
I’ve waited a long, long time to return. Now it is so close, a body almost open for me… Just within my reach. Others like me are waiting, powerful ones who fought their way back into life. They need me. Once I’m back I will be valued, I will be respected once more instead of floating in this non-existence I have been trapped within for so long.
So close…
*
It would be easy, Holly could feel herself coming away from her body. The light was plucking at the seams connecting her to her flesh- but it was not horrible, it was a gentle touch; the hand of a loving parent. It sang to her with the promise of sweet and impossible things. She did not need the mass of cells slowly falling below her. There was so much more, and she was almost there…
No!
Holly broke away with a violent shove from the trance-like compulsion and slammed heavily back down into her body. She could feel her bones shake and her teeth rattle as she re-entered, it was as if she had been thrown down onto concrete.
I won’t leave. This is what they want. I can’t leave.
The thought grounded her, bringing her back to the present. Holly tensed herself and repeated the words like a mantra in her mind. She could resist, she knew she could. The light still hovered above her, but now she felt it wasn‘t so beautiful, wasn‘t so tempting. As she pulled away from its hypnotising presence she could feel a shadow looming at the fringes of her awareness- the pain was returning. Holly felt fear tremble through her but ignored it.
Pain is better than… than…
*
Who am I?
There was no feeling, no sense of anything. Just… black.
Who am I?
The thought repeated, but the answer still did not come. Surely it wasn’t supposed to be a difficult question.
I remember… something.
Memories flitted back and forth, flutters of colours and echoes of conversations from a different time.
People loved me, I was important… I remember a throne. But wait, I’m a teenager. I live at home with my dad…
Everything was jumbled up. A raging river of thoughts and feelings lay beneath the surface, but it was just so confusing. There were two separate lives, memories from two different times of two different people.
I’m Esmerald. No, wait, I’m Holly.
Everything felt strange and peculier, she was walking on un-trodden ground. There was an answer, she knew there was. Somewhere in this rush of memories there was the key to what was going on.
There.
She pinpointed the knowledge and clung onto it. It was recent and from her Esmerald half of thoughts.
I was supposed to occupy a body, some girl… but she wouldn’t leave. Holly- but I’m her, I’m the girl who wouldn’t go too…
Reality hit home.
I’m both.
Something had gone wrong. Holly hadn’t left, she’d stayed and in doing so, Esmerald had joined her. No mind could hold two separate awareness’- so they had become one. Holly was now Esmerald, Esmerald was Holly. The information they had each known separately had become one mass, Holly’s embarrassments, secrets, dreams, mingled with Esmeralds.
But then… who am I now?
Holly was different to Esmerald. They had lived their lives individually with their own personalities and actions. This was something new.
I’m Holly and I’m Esmerald- yet I’m neither.
Her mind was a whirlwind of mixed emotions and confusion. She felt like she needed to get to know herself all over again, as if meeting a stranger for the first time.
“Esmerald.” The voice registered on her ears- she was beginning to gain consciousness. It was too soon, she needed more time in this limbo state to wrap her mind around what she really was.
“Esmerald.” She felt a touch, a brush of a hand on her shoulder.
No, let me stay here.
She knew the voice, from both sets of selves. It was Zahra. The one who had kidnapped her. The woman who had helped her. She felt a spark of anger, along with an arrogant sense of superiority. All fear from before was gone though, she had left that emotion far behind.
“Esmerald, wake up.” Urgh. She detested the slick tone of Zahra’s voice, prodding at her drifting awareness. She knew she would have to wake soon, they would be expecting her. Holly’s eyes opened, slowly, to reveal the peering face of her captor/helper.
It was still night but the sky was pinkening slightly, a rosy glow from the east spreading slowly throughout the darkness. Esmerald was sitting on the golden chair, the bonfire now reduced to ash, with a wide circle of people surrounding her. Zahra stood beside her, Filo a couple of steps behind. Something that was entirely new and shocking to Holly was the awareness she now felt- each sense heightened impossible to pick at every individual thread of the world. Esmerald had never lived anything different, but now, being aware of every detail of the scene before her after so long, the feeling was enough to make her forget her confusion for a moment and let her mind unfold to welcome her new life.
She could see the crawling insects on the leafy ground making their way inch by inch across the clearing. She could note every persons expression, every twitch of their hands. Her ears picked up on the rustling of the trees, the crunch of twigs underfoot, the croak of a distant bird in the forest. More than that she could feel the movement around her, the vibrations of some creature burrowing underground, the texture of the chair beneath her and the cool breeze upon her cheek were thrills that zinged through her body. She could smell the burnt fire, the dried blood that crusted her arms and the unwashed bodies before her. Her taste buds jumped at the very flavour of the forest, the earthy and refreshing taste of her surroundings.
Esmerald was paused for but a minute before returning her mind to the present. Her eyes fixed on Zahra’s with a gaze of steel that would wither the strongest of men.
“Its so good to see you awake, we’ve been waiting for you, Esmerald.” Zahra’s voice was slightly fawning, but still held the edge to it that Holly had become so familiar with. She was not willing to completely back down before Esmerald, holding the gaze with just as much feeling.
“Its good to be awake." She allowed a small smile to curve her mouth. " Call me Esme.”
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